Hi, so this is the first time I’m posting anything anywhere after realising that nope - I’m not really a man and I should not be ashamed of all the feminine behaviour, hopes and wishes that I’ve spent decades trying to suppress. So yeah. Feels like a heavy burden has been lifted off my chest, but the last few days I’ve been going from happy to despairing and back again. Happy to realise what the problem has been all along, but at the same time I’m over 40 years old, married (to a woman) and with kids. My partner has been really supportive, but I keep worrying about ”where will this lead, and would I have been better off keeping things just the way they were”... (although I know it would not have been possible). Sorry for starting off with such a heavy note! I’m really here just to make new friends and to hear about other people’s thoughts. Thanks for reading! Have a great day! M
Welcome to the community, M! Congratulations on being brave enough to share your story. That takes a lot of guts, especially when you're married and have kids. Self-discovery is hard work, but posting about your thoughts and feelings (and reading about other people's experiences) can help you sift through the mess of your mind. I recommend you check out the Gender Identity and Expression sub-forum, or the LGBT Later In Life sub-forum. Both would have pertinent threads to what you're going through. Please reach out to a staff member if you need any assistance. Welcome to EC!
Thanks for the tips TJ! Yeah, well I thought ”I cannot be the only one” so why not learn a bit from those who came before me and are willing to share their thoughts. Right now I’m focusing on trying to take it easy and not try to rush things, except learning how to apply make up (!) - something I’ve always wanted to do.
Welcome M! I think you’re really courageous for acknowledging your feelings and reaching out to us here. Do you mean that you do not feel cisgendered or that you do not feel that you fit the mold of what being a “man” is expected in Finnish society? I think these are normal feelings to have at the beginning of an important journey. It sounds like you may be relieved at having begun the journey, but apprehensive about the road ahead? Is that in the ballpark? Here are just a few thoughts based on my limited knowledge of your situation: 1. I would be very patient with yourself and give yourself lots of compassion. You won’t know all the answers right away and that’s ok. You will feel a lot of different things along the journey and that’s ok. 2. Perhaps avoid the use of labels for a while. It’s tempting to want to say “Am I still a ‘real’ man?” ”Am I gay, bi, curious, or just straight and perplexed?” These labels may come in time but for now it may be too soon to know, and that’s fine. 3. Practice good self-care and mental health. Socialize (as much as one can right now during the pandemic), take time to eat and sleep well, and practice gratitude. Good luck! I hope your journey is a rewarding one. Patrick
Meursault7.....Hello and a great big LGBTQ+ welcome to Empty Closets! There is a sub-forum here on EC that is titled "Gender Identity and Expression". If you post there I think you'll find people who will understand how you feel and will be able to offer support and understanding! We are so glad that you have found us here on Empty Closets! .....David
Thanks for your message Patrick! This is all a bit overwhelming, but let me try to reply. Trigger warning: I am a complete noob here and not sure if I can express my thoughts in a way that someone might not find weird. I will try. Apologies in forehand. So, do I not feel cisgendered? Umm, I do not really know the long term answer to that one. Right now I'd say that no I do not feel completely cisgendered. Do I feel I am a woman? Not sure about that either. From what I've been able to gather, reading through a lot of information in the last couple of weeks after I "came out" for my self and gave myself a permission to express my gender, I think I am somewhere on the man - woman spectrum. Is it closer to feeling like a man than a woman? I do not know. Right now probably not. I do remember fantasising about being a girl when little (approx 3 years old). Wanting to dress up in mom's clothes. Even being convinced (and this is a crazy thought) that I was meant to be a girl, but my parents made a boy out of me through some weird process (yes, these being the thoughts of a 4-6 year old). I've lived my life comfortably in the role of a man, or what I have thought is that role of a man. I come from a family small town, and from a somewhat conservative family, so these thoughts have been very conservative. I did perform a mental test and tried to picture myself with biologically female genitalia and that thought felt great or let's say normal. However, that is a massive change and I would DEFINITELY not trust myself right now so I'm taking a step back and taking things as they go. Do I feel disgusted with my own biological genitalia? No I do not. However, what I have been able to figure out is that I do not like body hair. Luckily that is something that will grow back if these feelings and thoughts change. I am changing the contents of my wardrobe. I am buying more clothes generally thought of being "women's" as it feels great wearing them. There is a lot of self awareness and trying to figure out what is the "appropriate" level I can take this to without embarrassing myself, my partner or my kids. I know, silly thoughts, but I guess there is nothing wrong with taking things in small steps. Is this all about a fantasy? I thought about that for a long time and I'm 99% certain that the answer to that one is a resound NO. It just feels great and normal to allow me just being me. I have been happier in the last two weeks than I ever remember being. Sexual orientation-wise: this is easier to answer. I am sexually attracted to women, or perhaps to be on the safe side: a feminine person. That being said I have always known that I am bi-curious, but aside from few odd kisses with men decades ago I have not have any experiences. I was very surprised that for a person who is generally not interested in labels, or definitely not in labelling people, I am curiously interested in finding a label for myself. However, I do recognise that this will take time. I already know that. For now, I feel that I'm non-binary. I'm okay with it, my wife is okay with it, so all is good for now Have a great day everyone! It feels great being able to write these thoughts to all you there.
Sorry, just want to share one more thing. This whole "thing" is not a question of choice. I have been feeling increasingly unwell in the last few years and have been able to explain it to my therapist (yes, starting therapy) that "I am not sure if I am living the right way. I need to figure out how to "do right" by myself. I'm sure there are other things I need to figure out and possibly fix, but having figured out that I'm probably non-binary, and having been able to come out to my wife about this, has made a huge difference. So for a long time I knew something is wrong. Something very fundamental that needed fixing as it was taking a toll on my mental health. So not a choice really...
