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Help...?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Genesiz, Mar 18, 2023.

  1. Genesiz

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    So... I don't really know what I'm doing with my life at the moment. I'm AMAB, and until... literally earlier this week, I'd never really questioned it. I was talking to a (trans) friend online, and a few things came up; namely that I tend to play a lot of female or trans characters (it's an... ERP site...), and that in a lot of my writing I use lots of genderqueer, trans, and just generally queer characters. Her response was to question whether or not I was 100% sure I was cis, and... I didn't have an answer for her.

    Looking back on my life, It kinda adds up. I know as a kid I used to do a lot of femme dressups and play. I asked my sister, and she said her standing memory of me was in a wig, high heels and dress, holding a handbag. And I had... almost exclusively female friends as a kid, as I tended to feel more comfortable around them.

    Like... I don't feel like I have any dysphoria, but... I know gender euphoria is a thing, and when my friend referred to me as female, it felt good. So... I don't know at the moment.

    Hoping someone out there with more experience with coming to terms with gender can help me figure out what I should be questioning...
     
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  2. Rayland

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    This is a little quide test what is used to help people who are questioning their gender. Maybe this will help a little.

    I'm adding an edit here too, what I've should've add at the beginning: this test isn't really a test, but rather a base guide to help those questioning to look deep into yourself. The initial feelings might not always be correct, so it's best to look at it again and try to answer. There is a question, what would you do, if you get to transition immediately, when thinking about this question, then also imagine having an opposite sex body parts and how it makes you feel. There is a lot to think about and it's not something to rush with.

    1. Imagine you discover a magical button. Pressing it will change you into another sex, painlessly, with everyone else understanding and relating to you as the associated AGAB. The button will break after you press it.
    Would you press it?

    2. Rather than the above, imagine you discover a different magical button. This button erases any and all doubts you have about your gender - from now on, you will never doubt your assigned gender again. You will have no memory of finding this button or pressing it.
    Would you press it?

    3. Imagine you’re in a room with both buttons.
    Which, if any, would you press?

    4. Now imagine you see the buttons, but are instantly stopped by a guard, who says “You are obviously your birth-assigned gender; what are you trying to do?”
    How would you feel?

    5. Imagine you find a magic machine that lets you design your ideal body, and then changes your body to match this design. You can mix and match or omit and include anything from any body you like.
    What features would that body have or deliberately lack?

    6. Imagine there’s a test that can conclusively determine your gender.
    What gender would you hope for?
    Would you try and skew the answers?
    Which way?

    7. For the four parts of this hypothetical, imagine you’re stranded on a deserted island, by yourself, with no hope of rescue.
    a. You find an abandoned town and enough supplies to live in comfort. What would you wear? Would you present masculinely? Femininely? Neither? A mix of the two? One way some of the time, another way the rest?
    b. You later find a lifetime supply of hormones, with perfect instructions for use and dosage. Would you take them?
    c. Later you stumble across the room containing the two buttons from question 3. Which button, if any, would you press?
    d. You also stumble across the machine from question 5. Would you use it? If so, what would you change?

    8. Imagine you take the perfectly accurate test from question 6, and the results are “Mild gender confusion. Not trans; do not transition.”
    How would that make you feel?

    9. Imagine you take the perfectly accurate test from question 6, and the results are “Trans; begin planning transition.”
    How would that make you feel?
     
    #2 Rayland, Mar 18, 2023
    Last edited: Mar 20, 2023
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  3. Rayland

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    So a little about me as well.

    This all started for me a little bit before I turned 30 years old. I was reading my favorite comics and suddenly there was this one thought that kept pestering me. It was how it would feel like, if I was in a male body. Then during month of June at my birthday, something happened, that changed everything for me. I had the same thought how it would feel like, if I was in a male body and that thought changed into another thought. It was what if I was actually a guy. This made me imagine myself as a guy and it was amazing. I experienced euphoria. It was like I had walked in a fog my whole life and this fog got lifted right away. It was like all the clouds lifted. Sun came out. I felt incredibly happy and I got the feeling that I didn't know what happiness is at all. It just felt so incredible. After I found this forum and reading about other experiences and tracing it all back to kindergarten made me realize, that I was born in the wrong body.

    It wasn't all incredible, because after having the euphoria, something else happened. I cried for hours by myself. I was terrified and saw myself as a monster in the mirror. It felt like the thing that is looking back at me is keeping me in prison and I can't get out. I've experienced both euphoria and dysphoria, but of course neither is needed. All that matters, is that you feel, that something don't match up.

    Now I have worked on myself quite a bit and this forum, my psychiatrist and therapy has helped me loads with my anxiety that this brought, depression and intrusive thoughts.

    You can always turn to me with any question or anything. My PM's are always open.
     
  4. Genesiz

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    God, those are hard questions...

    Uhm...
    1. Yes? I think so...
    2. I... honestly don't know. I think so. I think... at that point I'd just... like to stop questioning it.
    3. The first, not the second.
    4. Shitty? Angry? Hurt?
    5. I don't have an answer for this. Like, I don't feel uncomfortable in myself at the moment. Like I said, no real gender dysphoria (though it may be creeping in the more I dwell on the question) and moreso... a want? Like, when my friend called me a girl, I just... smiled. It wasn't conscious or anything. It just felt right.
    6. At the moment...? Girl, but I wouldn't try to skew it. I think I'd just want to know for certain. Like... similar to answer 2. I just want to stop questioning it...
     
  5. Rayland

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    Take time to look deep into you. There is no hurry. :slight_smile:
     
  6. Genesiz

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    Like I said, at the moment there's just... a lot of confusion. Since I started pondering it, I realised I tend to imagine myself as the girl in any porn/smut I watch rather than the guy. I... know I've bought female clothes for myself at a point to be more... I don't even know what, but as I was typing, the word comfortable came automatically so I'm going to use that; when watching said porn.

    I work in a female oriented field of work, and then with all the aforementioned things...

    I don't know if I'm just overthinking it or what. My friend suggested just... imagining myself living as a woman and see if it makes me happy. And it does. But those thoughts only started popping up since she brought it up.

    I guess I'm trying to make sure my brain isn't just doing a "well if people think that about me it must be true" thought train. And I'm kinda scared by what I'm finding...
     
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  7. Rayland

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    It all is really confusing. I questioned a lot and even had an imposter syndrome. There is also all the internalized phobias, so it takes time to fully be comfortable with these thoughts. You could try and do gender affirming things too. Like trying to wear makeup, using female products and dress femininely and see how it all makes you feel. When I started doing more gender affirming things it did make me feel great. Like more in tune with myself.

    Sadly I can't tell you what you are. This is something you need to figure out by yourself. I can only help you with the direction.
     
  8. Genesiz

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    Yeah, I'm honestly just... terrified.

    Like, I already talked to my partner about it and now she's anxious about things changing. And my parents are super religious, so...

    I'm just... trying to find a couple of small things to test the water, I guess. I was looking at some wigs to maybe get and all I could things of was how pretty they were, and wondering how I'd look in them, so...
     
  9. Rayland

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    Yeah it's scary and change is not easy either for anyone. I'm still gathering courage to tell my family. My father is homophobic and my country is conservative, but it's moving in liberal direction.

    It's okay to jut take baby steps. None of it is a race. The main thing is for you to be happy.
     
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  10. Wanderlost

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    You're getting some great help from Rayland here. He sure knows his stuff. I think he even has me questioning and I'm quite feminine! haha.

    Now I'm going to try to be devils advocate, because we all need those too. I think there is a statistic, not sure the actual percentage, but it's really quite high, high enough to where there are meme's and vids on youtube poking fun at this phenomenon, that a lot of guys love to play female characters in video games. A high number of men do fantasize about being a woman, or having a woman's body, probably for the boobs and vagina mostly, but some probably even just the beauty of the female form, which they hold in high, almost worshipful esteem. Boys, especially those who have a sister will almost always have experienced dressing in female clothing, walking in moms high heels, have had makeup on them at some point. My own very heterosexual brother is just one example, (the poor kid, lol) I don't know that a writer chooses their characters in a story as evidence of their own gender or even orientation. I write myself, and some of my most loved characters are cis men, some are bi girls. I do tend to lean towards queer relationships though, but I never attribute that desire to more than just me wanting to represent in my own way. Okay so now hoping you're not annoyed at me, but I don't think, all by itself, these are concrete reasons to question your gender as much as beginning to understand that gender fluidity is a very real thing that I think is a much more common thing than most will admit.

    It sounds like you are using some common sense here. The power of suggestion and human conditioning is a powerful thing and another very long topic in and of itself. Regardless of how your journey turns out though, you have found a place to get great support and advice.

    I did learn something here. I did not know that some trans people do NOT suffer from any dysphoria. I've met a few and they all seem to suffer from it at least some. It's nice knowing that not all suffer in that way.
     
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  11. Rayland

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    Sorry about that. It can be all very confusing and I hope I didn't make it more so, what wasn't my intention. I'm also learning a lot from others and doing research online and within trans community as I go forward with transitioning myself and gaining experience. When I started questioning I didn't even know, what transgender means or about anything really. I just knew something happened, that made me question. There are so many different ways you can express yourself in. It's all a journey of self discovery.
     
  12. Wanderlost

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    Oh no need to apologize. What I meant was your presentation is very compelling. I'm one of those people who thinks I am fine with whatever I happen to be, but some of that is also bravado speaking. It's one thing to think you'd be comfortable with any orientation or gender, quite another to be faced with the reality of it and then proceed to live it out. There is a level of bravery there that I can only respect.
     
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  13. Genesiz

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    Yeah. I'm... trying to be as conservstive as I can be, for lack of a better term, with jumping headlong into this. But it does seem like a lot of things are adding up, and falling into place.

    I don't even know if I don't suffer any dysphoria, or if it's just something I've pushed aside as being... normal? (I grew up in an extremely religious household, and any sort of questioning of my gender, I'm sure would have been frowned upon) But as I think more about it, it becomes crystalised in my mind that, like... I've never pictured myself in a "male" role while watching porn, etc., and I feel like it's less so... do I feel uncomfortable in myself now, or have I just... always thought of myself as female in those times where I turn my brain off?
     
  14. chicodeoro

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    Hi Genesiz, hmm I'm guessing you're really young, right? One of the big differences between the generations is that when I was 13/14 (I'm 53 now) no-one ever spoke about transgenderism and in 2023 it seems it's freakin' everywhere.

    Because it's freakin' everywhere, it's hard to cut out the background noise and listen, really listen to yourself.

    First of all forget about seeing 'signs'. As Wanderlost points out, the fact that you play video games as female characters has no more bearing on you being trans as liking peanut butter sandwiches. There is no trans 'test' where you can tick off the signs one by one.

    And dysphoria - one of the biggest misconceptions about being trans is that you have to suffer from dysphoria. You don't. But my God you will know it, if it does encroach upon your life.

    Being trans is about what is in your soul, essentially; in the shadows of your consciousness, deep down. It's not something you think of one week and then forget about. It's a deep deep yearning. That's what I mean about listening - keep yourself time and space to hear your own voice.

    Beth x
     
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  15. Genesiz

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    I mean, define "young"... I'm 31. I just... yeah, I'd never thought about it until this past week. But I grew up in a super conservative household, and it was never something that was talked about.

    And... having said I don't suffer any dysphoria, I feel like it's starting to creep in. Like... Today was the first day I've been out in public since I started thinking about it, and... I just... felt really self-conscious. Like I wanted to shrink into the floor and not get noticed. I couldn't make eye contact with anyone, and I feel like I'm about to have an anxiety attack...
     
  16. Genesiz

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    Aaaand now my brain is taking every spare moment to point out everything I hate about myself and my self-loathing is through the roof. Thanks brain, this is exactly what I needed at the start of the work week.

    Fml...
     
  17. Rayland

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    Take deep breaths in and out. It helps calm down the anxiety. At first it will be overwhelming, but you will be okay.

    Maybe take time out and try not to think about it at all and see, if the feelings come back in or not.

    Like mentioned porn and playing as certain gender video game characters play no role in your sexuality or gender identity.

    Clothes and not such don't play a role either, but they help you to feel more in tune with your true self and therefore can make you feel great.

    Getting in tune with yourself is something that helps you to figure yourself out, clothes can help, but also the previous test isn't a test, but rather a base guide to help those questioning to look deep into yourself. The initial feelings might not always be correct, so it's best to look at it again and try to answer. There is a question, what would you do, if you get to transition immediately, when thinking about this question, then also imagine having female body parts and how it makes you feel. There is a lot to think about and it's not something to rush with.

    Things will get better. At first I tried to go gender neutral instead. To me it didn't work out, but maybe for you it does.

    Dysphoria is something that causes uncomfortableness in your body. It can develope, but it's not a rule.

    Hope you are okay. Hugs.
     
  18. Rayland

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    I've also found therapy really helpful too, so I'd definetly reccomend it.
     
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  19. Genesiz

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    Yeah, I'm looking into it.
     
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  20. Genesiz

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    So. After all this...

    I'm Nonbinary. To an extent.

    Bear with me. It gets... odd.

    I'm 90% sure, after some soul-searching, and an interesting internal dialogue, that I'm borderline DID (Disassociative Identity Disorder), with one very definitively male persona and one definitively female persona. Either that, or this is the way my brain is parsing my being enby.

    But because they exist at the same time, and neither of them see each other as anything but that gender identity, I (as host) am not allowed to be genderfluid.

    The anxiety and such I felt from the suggestion of being trans was the femme side of my brain kicking my ass mentally for locking her away for as long as I have, and forcing me to acknowledge her.

    But. Tl:dr; I'm nonbinary, and I'ma hoard all the pronouns. Omnomnom.
     
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