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Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by razorsharp, Mar 1, 2020.

  1. razorsharp

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    I’m in my late 30s and I’m struggling with same gender attractions. I’ve been married about 18 months. Our sex life is pretty bad because of me. I otherwise love my wife but I’m struggling with the sex aspect of the relationship. Is there anything I can do to improve? My wife is unaware of my struggles. I’m from a conservative background. I intend to make a full effort for my wife. Getting pretty distressed. I would appreciate any suggestions.
     
  2. Poofter

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    well, speaking from my own experience, I found that using a cock ring could help me maintain my erections for sex. If it’s just trying to set the mood, try kissing and cuddling and foreplay before the act and sometimes that helps.

    That being said, if you know you’re attracted to the same sex, eventually no matter how hard you try, it’s going to catch up to you. Speaking from experience and being from a very conservative very religious back ground I have been down the road you are going. Just try to love you for you through all the struggles that may lie ahead.
     
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  3. DecentOne

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    Hi razorsharp,
    You have known of your attractions since you were a child, and I understand from your past postings that you believe this is wrong and unnatural. If you got married because you love your wife, that is wonderful, and I imagine you can work through the difficulties. But if you married her to avoid your attractions to men, that is very difficult. Does she know you are attracted to men?

    Sometimes opening up to the person you love, telling them your deepest secrets, releases whatever is holding you back from being fully with them. There is a boost in intimacy.
     
  4. razorsharp

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    No she doesn’t know. It would devastate her. I’m quite different to other people in my position. I never intend to leave my wife because of my attractions, Philip Schofield style. I find that extremely hurtful and selfish. I just have to work with what I’ve got.
     
  5. Poofter

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    I didn’t either. She eventually figured out what was wrong. And 7 years of trying to keep it together from there. She was ready to go on with her life. Her and I are still best friends. You do you, and live life on your terms. All I am saying is don’t start to hate yourself in the process.
     
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  6. Albawolf

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    I am 22 and a female. I come from a conservative background lilke you. My family dont approve of homosexuality. My family come from country in which gay marriage is illegal and gays have no humam rights. I grew up hearing anti gay views

    I am more on the bisexual specturm but generally prefer men .

    I understand why this is a dilemna.

    My answer is in a female perspective.

    I would love to be married in the future. When i am having sex with future husband i want future husband to be a happy and sexually satified with me . If future husband is not happy with me in the bedroom i will be upset and feel like there is something wrong with me. Your wife probably feels there is something wrong in the bedroom

    I would tell my future husband but my bisexuality

    Your wife has a right know . It is not fair on her.

    How long can you keep this up for?

    These things have a way of coming out. Believe me it will.
    You can not live lie .

    The sad reality is society and religion shapes our thinking .

    Sorry and good luck
    Love Albawolf
     
  7. Albawolf

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    This is all societys fault. If society just allowed people to two conseting adults to freely explore thier sexual preferences without judgement we will have not have generations of closeted gay men and women.

    My family are conservative and religious. I am more libertarian in my views.

    I hope you find love again and i hope your wife finds love again too.
    Everyone deserves happiness and love.

    I am more on the bisexual specturm. For me i love people for who they really are .
    I am so much love to give.
    I gernally i have a perference for men.
    I am more of a hetroromatic bisexual.

    Take care and keep safe
    Love Albawolf
     
  8. razorsharp

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    thanks for your advice. Every situation is different and I do not think telling my wife would help at all.
    I guess my main problem is visiting chat rooms occasionally which worries me and makes me feel guilty. I seem unable to resist at times. I feel weak. If I could at least control this aspect I feel that I would make progress. How I could achieve this is another question.
     
  9. Albawolf

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    I am young. I was born 1997 when were you born in

    You should not feel guilty at all . You are seeking help for what is clearly a dilemna .
    What is worst that can happen if you tell your wife?
    She is will be devasted . She may leave you.

    She has a right to know . It is selfish to marry someone knowing full well you are not fully attracted to them i am sorry

    Long term if you dont tell her she will always feel there is a something wrong with her. Women we can sense if there something wrong with thier man.
    What happens if you end falling in love with the same gender .

    Look at philp schofied wife . She says she supports her husband .
    She is saying for that for camaras. Behind closed doors she is shattered and feels like her life has been a lie.
     
  10. Lin1

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    I am sorry and I will be crude here, but you ARE already being hurtful and selfish, by marrying someone you cannot love and be attracted to properly you are selfishly preventing her from having the life she deserves, it's incredibly selfish and hurtful and if you think she isn't already suffering and most likely feeling self-conscious about your lack of sexual interest in her, I can guarantee you, you are wrong. If you love her (in any form) you will set her free. The correct thing to do if you are gay but don't want to be out, is to leave your wife AND remain single. Using someone as a cover is not okay, and I hope you will be correct enough not to have children with her, trapping her further.

    I am sorry but too many people think that because they are gay and they fear not being accepted, they are justified in taking somebody else's down with them, effectively stealing 15+ years of their lives they will never get back.

    You have no idea how life will pan out for you, you may well come out and leave her in 20 years time, you can't say for sure, so my question is do you think she deserves what you are keen to put her through just to stay in the closet?

    Do the right thing. Leave her and leave your life as an happy single man, let her have her youth and freedom and find love, you both deserve it, but if you refuse it for yourself at least let her have it!
     
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  11. razorsharp

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    I’m sorry but I think you are jumping to conclusions. Just because I have same gender attractions does not mean that I’m ‘gay’. I’ve never had any sexual experience with anyone of the same gender and never will. Granted, in the sexual side of things I’m clearly not good at it with my wife, but I am trying to work on this. It’s definitely difficult and it’s one of the reasons I posted - to get other people’s perspectives who may have more experience.

    My wife and I love each other too much to end the relationship. It’s a great relationship apart from this one area, which is totally my fault I agree. However, before we got married I had made some good progress with dampening my attractions. However, I seem to have relapsed the past few months, unfortunately. I do not know why I have these attractions, so I’m trying my best to work with what I’ve got. I hope you guys respect that. I am determined to make my wife as happy as possible, attractions or no attractions.
     
  12. justaguyinsf

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    I have been there too and understand your desire to stay with your wife and respect the seriousness of your commitment. I would recommend that you not have children for a while, until you see how this is going to work out for you and your wife. Divorce with kids is really difficult.

    As far as your sex life now, what has worked for you so far in terms of getting turned on? Are there fantasies that you find hot, and can you use those (as your personal fantasies) in your love-making with your wife? What about trying out sex toys or different positions? In other words, instead of just working on dampening same-sex attractions, which is probably not something you can achieve completely, accept to some degree that you have non-vanilla interests and see how that might be a way to boost things with your wife. Have you tried dirty/sexy talk? How open is your wife to different things (not gay things, but just some more racy hetero-oriented stuff)?
     
  13. DecentOne

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    Again, my recommendation is to be honest with your wife. Don’t put a label on it, just talk about it. Go ahead and express your love for her, and how you feel about attractions to guys being wrong. If as you say everything else about the marriage is great, then it should be the right container to express what’s going on with you. The longer you live with a secret, the more risk to damaging the love and relationship. Linning is correct - wives pick up when something isn’t right, and it can be very damaging to their self-esteem. Wives also like honesty from their mate - lying and hiding are worse than any truth, it is corrosive to the trust needed in long-term loving relationships.

    I’ve read so many of your posts. Just because you can’t stand being attracted to men doesn’t mean you can’t say it to the person you love.

    I really hope you did not marry in order to hide this part of you. Please don’t continue a habit of hiding your full self from the woman you love and chose to marry.
     
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  14. razorsharp

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    Thanks DecentOne. I married her because I loved her and felt a strong connection to her. Hard to explain but it is as if we were meant to be together. I care for her deeply. When she is happy, I am happy. When she is sad, I am sad. I must admit, I have underestimated my same gender attractions. I rather naively thought that I had them under control before we got married. I’m having a hard time with it now but I’m trying my best.
     
  15. BiGemini87

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    Regardless of what your orientation may or may not be, I agree with the assessment that you should be honest with your wife about how you feel. The truth will come out, as it always does where marriages/long-term relationships are concerned. Repressing your attraction is probably backfiring at this point; the more you try to shove something down, the more it wants to break free.

    I won't tell you how to feel about your orientation/attraction, because it seems to me that your view is deeply ingrained; only you can change that. But I will say it's not healthy to repress it, and it's definitely not healthy to hide it from the person you love most. Maybe in admitting it out loud to another person, you'll find some of the weight lifted from your shoulders. Just be sure to let your wife know you love her, want to stay with her, and will do all you can to improve things between you--and that admitting your same sex attraction, as much as you dislike it, is a part of that.
     
  16. bluehorizon

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    You're awfully vague about what's wrong with your sex life—it's "bad," you're "struggling" and you're "not good at it"—so it's hard to make suggestions. And with respect, you're being disingenuous when you keep saying "I do not know why I have these attractions." Seriously? Not even a clue? Have you thought about why these attractions are apparently stronger than your determined resolve? This is not a problem that can be solved with a few handy tips.

    Related, in my view, you really should not say things like, "My wife and I love each other too much to end the relationship" when you have this secret. You don't know if that's true from her perspective, since she's in the dark about what you're struggling with. You should give more thought to what she might want in a marriage.

    Me, I come from a conservative religious background and was married for eight years in my twenties. We eventually got divorced, and I moved on with my (gay) life. Today I'm 68.
     
  17. razorsharp

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    You’re right it’s not fair on her. Believe me I’m trying, it’s not easy. Apart from forums there is very little help available for people like me.

    I absolutely have no idea where the attractions came from because I even remember having them as a child. Of course everyone is different.

    I even tried seeing a therapist 4 years ago and they were quite defensive, thinking that I was requesting reparative therapy. I wasn’t, it was just a cry for help.

    This is one of those ‘don’t go there’ situations no matter what your beliefs are. It makes it extremely difficult to find a resolution, which leads to depression etc and a vicious cycle.

    I just have to keep trying.
     
  18. Nickw

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    @razorsharp

    I think there MIGHT be a number of things going on here. This is just a forum for us to share. So, take my comments with a grain of salt.

    I think you might be having a lot of denial in accepting your sexuality. Most of us go through this at some time in our lives. I'm bisexual but I used to feel my same sex attractions were a "kink" and not fundamental to my sexuality. I could do this because I would look at any gay men and say "I'm not like them so I can't be gay". This made it easy to diminish the importance of my sexuality. It was something I had "control" over. I would suggest trying counseling again to try and understand and accept your sexuality.

    When we get older the urges seem to come back with a greater intensity than they did when we are younger. Almost every later in life gay or bisexual that I have talked to experiences this. The same sex attractions generate an urgency. I don't know if this is a function of aging, mid-life crisis, or something else. But, it happens. Fighting it is fruitless...it really is.

    You love your wife. This means a lot. We are taught to give ourselves to our spouses completely. This includes sacrifices of all sorts. So, it is easy to fall into the trap that one of these sacrifices is to NOT be gay As @Linning has pointed out. This isn't fair to your wife. She needs to have the information and choose her path. It's only fair. If you are like almost all of us, you are just buying time.

    It took me 30 years of marriage before I came out to my wife. I was/am a good husband and my wife is my best friend. I felt I had to keep the secret because I didn't want to lose her. I was willing to give up parts of my sexuality for her. Being bisexual, I think this is easier than being gay (or at least it CAN work). But, I began to feel I was not myself with her. I felt I could never reach that point of vulnerability when I could keep such a thing that is so much a part of me away from her. When I told her, it made our relationship better. Our love is now true. No secrets.

    You also need to consider who you are and what you need. You mention sex is not that great with your wife. I didn't have that problem. From my perspective, sex was awesome with my wife until she went through menopause. So, I got to experience profound intimacy with another person. In full disclosure here. I now have a boyfriend (with my wife's blessing). The lovemaking that we share is also incredible. I cannot imagine going through life and not having experienced this with both men and women. If you are gay, not bisexual, you may not have experienced this sort of intimacy. Gay friends of mine will tell me how sex was OK with women and when they are finally with a man they are blown away. It is not fair to you to not experience this. And, if it is not working for you, it is not working for your wife as @Linning wrote.

    I wish you the best. I know how hard this is.
     
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  19. SevnButton

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    Hi @razorsharp -
    We share some things in common, and everyone is different. As for myself, the more I resisted and hid my same-sex attractions, the stronger they became. It was as if a part of me was screaming to be heard. I made the choice to come out again to my wife (first time was on our honeymoon 27 years ago, then I swept it under the rug) and it's been rough. Like you, I choose to stay with my wife.

    A big realization for me was that I was craving the opportunity to do the things that I really love to do, and I was craving a tribal connection with other men. But the fear of being found out (about my same sex attractions) kept me from taking the risk of connecting with anyone.

    Only you can decide what's right for you. Every situation is a little different. Good luck. Keep posting - it helps! And know that you're not alone.
     
  20. razorsharp

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    Thanks. As you say everyone is different. I know my situation and trust me it would not help anyone if I told her my problem. This is something I have to deal with on my own I’m afraid.

    Last year I was in a better position so I know I can do it. It’s just that I’m going through a bad patch that isn’t improving sadly.

    @Nickw: not experiencing ‘mind blowing’ sex is the least of my concerns. My main concerns are doing the right thing by myself and beliefs and by my family.
     
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