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Help with this complicated friendship?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by WhiteShadows, Jan 9, 2017.

  1. WhiteShadows

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    Ok, will try to make this short as possible, but there's a guy I've gotten close to and it's confusing me. Here are the main points:

    - started as friends, and began to hang out a often, we both know the other is gay, and he's said flirty stuff to me
    - very soon, we ended up making out...
    - he was in a relationship, and said it was open, but I still felt confused b/c I didn't know if I felt ok doing stuff with him while he was in a relationship
    - it was a weird relationship... like they only saw each other every 2 weeks...

    - the guy he's seeing ends up being a total dick, and dumps him
    - we kind of hookup and give each other handjobs, but then he goes a bit cold on me and sort of pretends it didn't happen...

    - 2 weeks later, we go out together, make out, and hook up again, possibly fueled a bit by alcohol

    - After that it starts to become a regular thing, and now we seem to be... sex buddies?

    So here's the thing, I don't know what we are. I've even asked him and he hasn't given me a straight answer. We are very close friends, and we love each other... and we essentially do everything that boyfriends do... but we're not boyfriends...

    The thing is, this whole time I've started to get some pretty strong feelings for him, and I mean, a solid part of me really wants a relationship with him. But, he seems so indecisive and not sure what he wants from me.

    I guess I just don't know what to do. I don't really know what's on his mind. I do believe he genuinely cares about me, but possibly doesn't want more than just sex... which makes me sad. I mean, it could also be that he just needs time after his last disastrous relationship? and I'd be willing to give him that time, but only if I was sure that was all it was.

    He has had very poor mental health in the past, and has only recently gotten healthy mentally, so that also may be playing a part.

    I guess I'm scared if I just keep hooking up with him, hoping for a relationship in the future, one day I'll just find out that he's gotten involved with another guy/s. We haven't even discussed if the 'thing' we have at the moment is open or not.
    I mean, I like doing stuff with him a lot, but this is always at the back of my mind. It would be pretty hard for me to decide to stop doing stuff with him, because we are such close friends now that hanging out with him would kill me with temptation :frowning2:

    I think my plan for the moment is to maybe try to cut down on hooking up, give him a bit of space and then talk about it with him once he's had some more time to think. But what do you guys think?
     
  2. CameOutSwinging

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    If you're starting to have feelings for him, it is probably a good idea to stop the sexual relationship. Right now it sounds like you're just friends with benefits, and since you're best friends, it feels very boyfriend like but its not. You need to talk to him and maybe make it clear that you have more of an interest in him than just sex, and if he doesn't have the same feelings, it would be good for you guys to stop hooking up so you can get past the feelings.

    You don't have to cut off being friends with him (unless you think that will help with moving on) and the temptation/attraction you have to him may not dissipate for some time, but it doesn't mean you can't be friends. I've been there, and it is a challenge, but I found the friendship I had with one particular guy was much better when we stopped having sex.
     
  3. WhiteShadows

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    Thanks, I think you are right.

    He's away at the moment for 2 weeks, but when he comes back, I'm going to give him a bit of time. I'll avoid sex with him during that time if I can. And then I think I'm going to have to talk to him about it to find out: Can we be boyfriends or is this only ever going to be FWB?

    If it's the latter, I think I'll have to ask to just be friends then. Because, even though I go through ifs and buts about if I have feelings or not, the truth is this: If we continued doing this for another month, and then one day he turned around and told me he hooked up with some other guy, I'd feel hurt. And I think that definitely means feelings.
     
    #3 WhiteShadows, Jan 12, 2017
    Last edited: Jan 12, 2017
  4. CameOutSwinging

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    That absolutely means feelings! Its great that you identified that now. I tried for a long time to ignore that feeling with a couple of hook-up situations, and it was a huge mistake. It sounds like you've got the right idea on how to handle this now. Good luck!