Happily married for many years. But I can't hide what I feel inside. Now how do I tell others how I really feel?
Hey Soniaf3, I can certainly understand being happily married for years but no longer being able to suppress myself. I have been married to my ideal partner and best friend of almost ten tears, and late last year came out as both Bi and trans. This was/ is a big revelation to her but we have both discussed wantwwe want and both agree we want to be together, despite how this is changes various aspects of our relationship. To start I'd ask if you know what you want regarding the feelings you mentioned. Also have you talked it I erased with your spouse, and if so what is their reaction?
Welcome to EC Soniaf3! In my case, about a year ago I needed to figure out things with a therapist before I came out to myself. Those sessions (and reading lots here on Empty Closets) also helped me realize I wasn’t going to ever live in a closet, so I told the most important person in my life next, my wife. It was (and sometimes still is) a roller coaster for her, emotionally. I knew I was safe telling her, but I hadn’t realized how hard it would be for her to hear (even though I’m still fully committed to her and have never cheated in all our decades of being together). The way I brought it up (besides first saying I needed to go to counseling), was that I was discovering something about myself, and I saw this as a journey and wanted to be completely open and honest with her, and that I loved her still and always. Being bisexual doesn’t mean I’m having to be sexually active with others, or be vastly different from who I’ve been all these years in other aspects of my life. I explained that to my wife. But I need to connect with LGBTQ events and activities, and become part of a network of friends. I’ve explained that to my wife too, and eventually after two or three months she gave me permission to tell the kids (ours are grown and out of the house... they have no problem with me being bisexual, so long as my wife and I are happy). Over time I got her o.k to come out to my co-workers and some others. I’m respecting her progress in being able to handle my level of being out, going slower than I’d want to myself — because I do want her on the journey with me, not left behind as I run ahead. It is hard though, as I don’t feel fully supported yet. I read the Straight Spouse Network Open Forum from time to time. It is hard for me to read sometimes, because it seems there is a whole mess of hurt caused by LGBTQ spouses who hide from their wives or husbands, and/or cheat, and the forums erupt with reactivity to those betrayals. It helps convince me I did the right thing in being open with my wife, and paying attention to her pace of accepting this change. My way isn’t the only way into authenticity though, and I’m seeing that by reading lots of stories here online. Again, welcome. I suspect, like me, you will find Empty Closets to be a very supportive online community.
Welcome to EC. As said above, you’ll find lots of people on here who can relate to your situation. Mine is similar as I’m in a long term relationship with a man. To start with, it may help to break it down in to small steps, rather than thinking of having to tell everyone at once. If you feel able to share more about your situation, I’m sure somebody will be able to offer more detailed advice. Take care!
