Help Needed

Can you be gay and have no apparent attraction to the same sex? Can you have internal homophobia so bad that you can repress everything?

I’m desperate for answers as to whether I’m gay or not.

I have tested to gay porn and zero reaction in fact quite it makes me feel a little bit sick.
Is this again down to internalised homophobia.

My lack of interest in women has led me here instead of my interest in the same sex. Is the lack of interest in women because I’m secretly gay and don’t realise it?

Am I just gay and in massive denial, I’ll be honest the realisation that I may be gay fills me with absolute terror like I’ve never felt. It’s as if my whole life is a lie. I don’t deserve my children and I’m a complete fraud who has ruined people’s lives.

Id love to go back when I was comfortable and happy in my heterosexual life.

Any insight is welcome.

Thanks

 

No never had any gay experiences.

I’ve tried to imagine being with a man and there’s no reaction.

Still get erections watching straight porn, tried watching gay porn and nothing.

Shouldn’t I derive some pleasure from wanting to be with men, I have no urges for it. Or am I totally in denial.

I’ve always historically masturbated to women and my thoughts when alone have been about women. In my head once I fell myself this there’s a short period where I say I’m obviously straight and why am I torturing myself. Then the doubt starts to creep in again.

I spend everyday checking and can’t wait until bed time to sleep and get some respite from the thoughts.

life is painful

 

I have no interest in anything sexual at the moment. I have found her attractive and still do but have no drive for sex or anything really. I’m very low.

When I was younger I remember thinking that I wasn’t as sexually driven as my friends in real situations, but always fancied girls and my fantasies were with females. I was teased about being gay in my late teens early 20’s. I hated it, but still never had any sexual attraction or fantasies about males. I remember meeting a few new friends and thinking they were good looking. Never anything sexual though.

I’ve had loads of positive experiences with women and really enjoyed them, they were when I was sure of my heterosexual self and confidence was high. I’ve has negative ones also and these are the ones that stick out in my mind and make me question. I remember ten years ago I had a failure sexually with a girl and told myself shit you’re gay. That’s when the depression started, still had no real sexual attraction for men. Or am I so entrenched that I won’t let myself. Like I said I’ve tried to relax and mentally imagine myself with a man it just doesn’t sit right and I get no pleasure, guilty pleasure or otherwise. Also I’ve watched gay porn which was a huge leap and nothing no reaction. I’ve watched straight porn got an erection, flipped to gay to try and continue and the erection goes. This surely should be all the evidence I need but no. Tell myself it’s because I’m internally homophobic. So draining. Every day it’s like this.

I’ve withdrawn myself from friends out of fear of gay questioning that I can’t defend which makes no sense. I’m terrified of being called gay.

terrified of being found out without any rationale for it.

makes no sense does it.

 

Hi thanks for the reply, I was a super happy confident bloke until I had a failure with a girl about ten years which led me to start questions which brought the severe depression.

I’ve not really got fully over that, it feels like it’s self feeding, the depression feeding the lack of interest which then feeds the fear of being gay.

I took the day off work today to concentrate and relax and try and figure things out. Tried doing things with only my imagination, thought about girls and got a reaction. Tried with guys and down he goes nothing.

Felt as if I’d cracked it but my brain started accusing me of horrendous possibilities, if I’m denying being gay what else am I denying. Horrible unwanted thoughts, I was actually screening at myself what the hell is wrong with you!! Was physically sick!

In a weird way this has opened my eyes, the things that were popping in my head are things I’m completely not capable of and would never ever do. I think I have OCD and am obsessing over things that Are absolutely the opposite of what I want.

well if they’re not I would be better off dead!!
100% fact!!!!

Over answered your question a bit sorry.

Thanks for the reply

 

Failure to get an Erection which led me on the self doubt and gay fear cycle. Which set me on a massive depression and has left me questioning constantly ever since.

 

Yes it will come to that if I can’t work through it myself.
Thanks

 

Thanks very much, I don’t think I am but am shot to bits. Bit of a fruit cake really.

 

No you’re spot on, I tell myself that there is no real evidence to support me being gay but the obsession is still there every morning I wake up.

 

I have considered it but I was completely the opposite for many years. Was a bit of a fool for women for a period.

would love to have that interest and confidence again.

 

There would be no question of my sexuality, I’d definitely be gay, almost zero sexual drive same almost zero interest in women, but the main point of being gay is that you are interested in the same sex sexually which again I’m 99.9% certain I’m not and certainly don’t have any urges towards men or fantasies of that type.

It’s fair to say this has absolutely ruined my life. Lost all my friends and am struggling to hold the relationship with me wife and children together.

I’ll have to try and get some help from somewhere, life is absolutely miserable.