hi I’m 16 and I haven’t told anyone I’m gay. None of my friends are gay and I’ve heard them say a lot of homophobic things but I can’t tell if they would actually not be accepting of me. My personality probably seems completely “straight” and everyone assumes I am based on that. Some of my friends are starting to question why I don’t try to hook up with girls. I don’t know if I should come out to them or not. I also feel like I should come to out to my parents because it seems as if we’re growing distant which is probably causing a good amount of my depresssion. I feel way to awkward having that conversation though. I know they would be accepting I just don’t know how to come out. Any advice for all of this?
My dear young friend, I am saddened to hear of what you are going through. Rest assured that it is not as bad as you fear. You may want to consider speaking to your folks and sharing what you are going through. Even if they are shocked, they will still view you through a parents love. You don't want to have this create a barrier between you and your parents. You will need their love and support no matter what. Regarding your friends, don't fret about rejection. If they are true friends, they will stick with you. A lot of guys talk tough, especially about people they don't know. But these people know you. If they discover that you are gay, it may cause them tor reevaluate their earlier views on homosexuality. If they reject you, so be it. You don't need to hang around people like that. Being sixteen, you already have so many challenges ahead. I do hope you find the courage to come out and live your life openly. Staying locked in the closet (as I did) will create feelings of torment and unhappiness. You have so many years ahead of you. I trust that they will be happy and wonderful years. Stay positive!
At 24, I can tell you that none of the things I thought were so important at 16 mean a damn thing to me anymore. I don’t know exactly what you’re going through, but I can tell you I definitely know what it’s like to feel things other people make you feel you should be ashamed of. And I know what it’s like to worry that people you love won’t love you anymore. If your parents are not horrible human beings, they will keep loving you and eventually accept you 100%. If your friends are real friends, it’s the same story. Think of it as a litmus test. You’ll probably be closer to the ones who stick around and thank GOD you got rid of the pieces of crap who didn’t. But there also FABULOUS perks to coming out! You’re going to make new friends. People who maybe understand you in ways your current social network can’t. The LGBT community is full of so many amazing, colorful people. You’re also going to have a chance to meet a boy! And to kiss a boy. You’ll get the chance to fall in love and connect with someone on an intimate level you probably haven’t yet. This hurts now and it’s awkward as hell, but one day it’ll be worth it. And all the pain will be gone and replaced with new pain and stress but also amazing new experiences and opportunities and people. Be brave. You’re only 16 and one day you’re going to be so proud of the kid who made it possible for the man you’ll become to be out and proud and happy.
Don't fall into the idea that you have to look, act, or dress any certain way. There are gay people that are firefighters, cops, farmers, ect. It takes a lot of energy to hide. I would encourage you, as long as you feel safe to be yourself. Dean
I would urge you not to stay in the closet. Why waste years pretending to be something your not. I did and it’s not worth it. You need to come out to your family and then to the rest of your circle. Being gay is not a terminal disease but simply a different orientation to sexuality. Coming out allows you to find a boyfriend and enjoy the passions of your teen years. Please don’t waste those years as you can’t re-live them. You owe it to yourself to be happy. Best wishes as you navigate your path to being authentically you!
Jacobjohns.....First of all...hello and a very big welcome to empty closets! I was a high school teacher for 41 years. During that time I saw a huge change in how teenagers dealt with the LGBTQ Family. I was filling in for a teacher friend of mine in a technical theatre class just last week. There were 8 boys and myself crowded around a lighting control board in our high school theatre. There wasn't much room and only three chairs. I was sitting in one running the board and two guys were sitting in each of the other chairs with the others standing. Someone made a "gay" comment about the guys who were both sitting in one chair and I just held my breath waiting to see what would happen. One of the guys in the chair said: "Sitting in a chair with another guy doesn't make anybody gay, and if we were gay it wouldn't matter anyway". I was stunned at the maturity of that answer! For the next ten minutes or so there was a really open and honest discussion about how so many gay high school kids are mistreated. The attitude of those boys was amazing. They basically said that treating someone like dirt because of something that they have no control over was unacceptable. The boy who had made the first comment said he was sorry and that he hadn't meant it to be mean, it was just something that he had heard often and it popped out of his mouth without thinking about it. This whole conversation happened without me saying a single word. Afterward, I told them how proud I was of them to realize and accept people who are not the same as everyone else. None of those students had the slightest clue that the adult who was working with them that day was himself gay. We have a long way to go yet in the struggle to accept that who you love does not make you less than others in our society...but we are making progress. Now as far as coming out goes...here is something that I often share when someone is trying to decide when, if or how to come out... Coming out can be wonderful and terrible. Occasionally at the same time! The most important two factors in deciding when to come out are: 1) Come out when YOU are ready. Don't let anyone push you into it if you are not at the place where coming out is right for you...not them. and... 2) Don't come out if there is a real chance that you will be in danger. That includes being kicked out of your house, having no way to support yourself, having all privileges (phone, computer, friends, etc.) taken away, being verbally or emotionally abused as well as the danger of physical abuse. Waiting can be very difficult, but your safety and emotional well-being are more important. Being out in high school is easier now than it used to be...but depending on your school and your relationship with other students, it can be problematical. Try to evaluate these things and see what you seriously think about the results of coming out would be. One of the best ways to handle a coming out that may not go well is to write a letter. Writing a letter lets you be sure that you are saying things in the right way. It lets you collect and organize your thoughts without the pressure and nervousness of a face-to-face confrontation. It also lets the recipient of the letter have some time to collect their thoughts instead of the emotional outburst that happens too often. You don't have to be present when the letter is read...and that can be a very big plus! You don't even have to actually use the letter. Sometimes just writing the letter allows you to be prepared to do a face-to-face coming out. There are some good sample coming out letters here on empty closets...check them out! COMING OUT LETTERS: Go to the Login page, but do not login. At the top, you will see some links. Click on "Resources". That will bring up a page with a box on the upper left. In that box, you will see a link to "Coming out letters". Click that and you are there! I wish you much good luck...you can and will make it! Remember...you are a part of our LGBTQ Family and we do care! Keep us updated on how things are going for you! .....David
The principal thing to think about when coming out to your friends is whether you are ready for everyone at your school to know. I say that because often, unless your friends are super trustworthy and really, really good at holding confidences, it's hard for them to hold onto a secret like that... it's a "juicy" secret in many people's eyes and so that much harder to not share. What often happens is that person A, who is supposed to keep it secret, tells person B, and makes person B promise not to tell anyone... but then person B shares it as well, and at a certain point, the intent to keep it secret is lost. So often, you tell someone, and the whole school knows a couple days later. That isn't a bad thing in most cases, but it helps if you're ready for that possibility. As for your parents... a letter or even a text can do the job. In a book I read years ago about coming out, one teen boy left a note on the refrigerator... "Hey, went out to play basketball. Back around 6pm. PS: I'm gay." It can be as simple as that. And once you cross that hurdle, the rest becomes easy. Also, it might help to know that parents, especially mothers, often have an intuition, so she may already have an inkling. In which case... no reason at all to keep it under wraps any longer.
I’m in the same state as you as well as the same age and I came out earlier this year; it was pretty easy. If something along the lines of romantic interests ever comes up in conversation you can just mention how girls aren’t really your thing or something like that. It really shouldn’t be that big of a deal because almost all the schools in our area have very accepting vibes and many people don’t really think about it after you tell them. I do cross country, swimming and track and even when changing in the locker room for swimming I’m not treated any differently. If you just don’t make a super big deal about it (the way it should be done), it should be quite easy to come out
Love the younger generation. They are really brave and in touch with their true selves. How refreshing to read about their coming out stories being no big deal. Coming out as gay in high school is the definition of courage. The line “ I am just not into girls” is an awesome response. Well done!
