1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Help my brain that's bathing in wrong hormones

Discussion in 'Anonymous Gender Identity and Expression' started by Anonymous, Feb 14, 2018 at 1:34 PM.

  1. Anonymous

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 8, 2007
    Messages:
    114,706
    Likes Received:
    264
    I know this is stupid but I have nowhere else to turn to. Just speak your mind about this. I know I am whiny.

    So! Help my brain! I am going crazy. Talk some sense to me. I don't have any. I can't have another shot of testosterone for two weeks and I can feel estrogen taking over (it's a new kind of shot and my doctors want a blood sample so I need to suffer) I am paranoid and I just feel bad. So bad. I was seriously mentally ill before T fixed that almost overnight almost 2 years ago. I know it's all better now but my brain can't deal with this. Some old symptoms are back. My chemistry is messed up. It's going to be ok in few weeks but my brain do not understand. I am overreacting to everything.

    I don't understand how some people can deal with estrogen taking over. I really respect that. Women are tough. And everybody else dealing with that too. I was tougher back then.

    I have been on T for some time. My gender is going to be legal soon. You need an opinion from 3 places for that in here and I got them from 2. I just need this one thing to go right but I can't trust it. I have fought the system for over 4 years. What if the doctor just says that I look like a woman and there is no way I can be legally male? I know they can't do that but they actually can. It's the only place that can give me that paper.. They would be in trouble but that hasn't stopped doctors before. And it would delay my life for another year. That appointment is tomorrow. I need to travel. And what if the doctor is sick and I get the phone call when I am already on my way there? I don't have money for that. It has happened before.

    It's the estrogen! I can't deal with it. I think everything is a threat. I know I am paranoid.

    Just today some small children were shouting at each other because they didn't know my gender and they all just decided I was a girl. My crazy brain tells me it's what everybody is thinking. I feel like punching something until it's broken. I got mad at those kids! Of course I just walked away. I got extremely androgynous appearance although I am not really androgynous at all. It's not my fault. Normally I would just forget about everything but now my chemistry isn't ok. I was a mess since puberty. Estrogen is like a poison to my brain. I used to be seriously mentally ill and T fixed it almost immediately. I feel like I am going back.

    I can have my ovaries cut off. I was asked about that before but I didn't think it would affect my life like thi. It only takes a one phone call and it's less than a half a year ahead. But I need to be legally male for the law to protect me from being treated badly. They can still treat me as a female. If I start pursuing it now they could make a mistake about my legal gender and my gender in general.

    I am currently shut in my appartement. It's been like this for a week or two. Just help my brain. It's not doing well. I know most people see me as male and don't even doubt it but my brain is... not... working. This is stupid. I know it. Can just talk to me?
     
  2. emerry

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2015
    Messages:
    1,430
    Likes Received:
    113
    Location:
    Europe (Continental)
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I don't have the exact same experience, but I have quite much T in my body without any shots, so I took antiandrogens for some time, and it's not an uncommon experience to experience depression and anxiety when your T drops. It was definitely my experience with the drugs. Do you have experience dealnig with depression and anxiety? Maybe you can distract yourself if it is temporary? Watch something you like? Read a book? Do something that calms you down or makes you happy?
     
  3. Anonymous

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 8, 2007
    Messages:
    114,706
    Likes Received:
    264
    Thank you for your reply. It helps to write about this.

    I also have more testosterone naturally than I "should". It must have been rough on antiandrogens. I am happy that they never tested my levels before I started T. Testosterone is a happy hormone and a power juice in my experience.

    I do have a lot of experience with anxiety and even with some darker stuff but I had forgotten how bad it is. My mood is changing constantly. It's horrible. But at least I get more T in two weeks. I know it goes ways and I can deal with everything again. I am trying to learn strategy for some games. It's interesting and it does distract me a bit. Playing against AI doesn't even get on my nerves although she is good (I almost always picture robots as girls. Weird. Because they don't even have a gender, right?).

    It's tough. I don't ever cry on T. I can cry now. It's weird. The last time I cried was because someone close to me died. I don't even know myself anymore. I don't like myself when I got too much estrogen. I don't like this. Everything bothers me and I feel like things are out of my control. When I got enough T I just need to do something physical and everything can be dealt with.

    It's interesting though that this feels so bad for me but for transwomen this is how it is in the beginning of HRT. Propably. They feel fine usually.
     
  4. emerry

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2015
    Messages:
    1,430
    Likes Received:
    113
    Location:
    Europe (Continental)
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I always picture robots as male, lol. Although not as a superman type of men, more like a thin nerd.

    I have no idea why, I stopped crying when I went to college.

    Hmmm, I've seen some trans women complain about depression when in the beginning of HRT... or just generally. According to my doctor, testosterone acts like an antidepressant. Except it makes you more angry in my opinion.

    I literally went nuts on the antiandrogens. I mean... my mood got really, really bad. I wasn't even depressed, I was afraid all the time. And I lost my temperament. And energy. I took that because I was wondering whether I would feel female if my androgens were lower, and I struggled with acne and body hair. Of course, those two things were fixed, but a lot of other things went wrong, so I didn't take the hormones long. Not only the mood went wrong, but it was the worst to handle. I didn't feel female, just horribly bad and still male/genderqueer/you name it. And I didn't get straighter (I lost any interest in those matters, which didn't feel too good) or less geeky (oh man, I got even more geeky, because I didn't want to move so much, just sit in the books).
     
  5. Anonymous

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 8, 2007
    Messages:
    114,706
    Likes Received:
    264
    I always think that robots are like nerdy ladies working as receptionists or nurses. Age 30-40, not married, asexual, kind and serious but with an odd sense of humour. It's interesting actually. Even if it's an AI that has no body or voice I think most people would imagine it having a gender, body, age and so on. It would be an interesting to ask a lot of people how they see robots that are just code.

    I got more angry when I started T but it's easier to deal with it with some physical activity. Like running or lifting some weights. If my testosterone gets too low I feel less angry but it's harder to deal with it. It kind of lingers. It's harder to get over bad feelings.

    I have heard that going on estrogen can be harder than getting T emotionally although I have only encountered transwomen who haven't complained. My issues were pretty much solved when I got testosterone. I even forgot how bad it is to not have it that much.

    I feel afraid of everything too right now. My body is just ready to fight or run all the time and I worry about everything. Like I have to travel to another city tomorrow but I doubt I will be sleeping at all toninght because I am so worried about everything that could happen.

    Do you have PCOS or something like that? Of course you don't have to answer. I do/did and that makes T levels high naturally. My doctor told me that surprisingly almost all transmen she had seen had it.

    Gender is a strange thing. I used to think it was very binary and I have felt like a binary man for a long time. But my body is so androgynous I keep wondering about what the heck am I actually. It feels bad to be like this though and if I really was genderqueer it wouldn't I guess. Other people, men and women are usually bigger and taller than me too. Maybe a space ship will some day land on my rooftop and a 35 years old female nurse robot comes to take me home. Maybe there is a planet full of androgynous little people (and robots) and in their eyes I would be extremely manly.

    I get the feeling of not fitting in any category. Labels are just labels but sometimes you just want a diagnosis so things can be accepted or fixed or talked about. I just read about an intersex woman today and the comments on that article were so bad. People were just so ready to judge without even reading the thing or knowing anything. I hate that. We have to grow up like this among those people and figure out everything while being judged. It's wrong.
     
  6. emerry

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2015
    Messages:
    1,430
    Likes Received:
    113
    Location:
    Europe (Continental)
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Hmmm, excersice also regulates me a lot. I'm not sure in which way. I excersice an awful lot... not so much now, because winter and flu and exams, but usually a couple of times a week.

    I guess trans women view the changes as more positive, like... they view it as being more sensitive and less violent...

    Mild CAH. The only thing it does it the acne and body hair, really. Or somewhat androgynous built. So... it's more of a variation than an illness. It's interesting about the PCOS.

    I don't feel like I fit, because... well... I put the trans male in the box on the left for a lack of anything better. I like the term transmasculine the most. People tend to think I take the hormones and have the surgeries, which I don't, but to be honest, the trans male label hits home a lot better than androgyne/genderqueer. Maybe I'm a tomboy? A tomboy who has a masculine nickname. But it doesn't really matter. It's just words.

    Nah, it's not about how you look like. Don't worry, dude.
     
  7. Crisalide

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 14, 2016
    Messages:
    455
    Likes Received:
    196
    Location:
    Italy
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    1) I believe you about low testosterone messing up with your mood, but I think it's partially placebo.
    2) I had the experience of lower than usual testost. too, because of a pill with antiandrogens. Maybe it's not a coincidence that I started gender questioning then.