1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Help me with understanding my sexuality!

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Roses1276, May 22, 2020 at 7:07 AM.

  1. Roses1276

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 3, 2020
    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Liverpool
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Typical (probably boring by now) denial vs Anxiety/ OCD scenario


    I am male, 23 and have been in a relationship with my best friend (GF) for 6 years! We have currently just moved in together for the first time in a new city!


    I have obviously not considered myself to be someone with same sex attraction hence this message however, there has been times in the past where I have noticed that a colleague was a good looking guy which was followed with a quick thought to whether I thought this meant I was gay. This thought would bring me anxiety when it did happen but I never thought it was anything more. Friends are mostly male never developed crushes etc.


    Mental health wise I have always been doing not so well... shy, awkward kid coming from dysfunctional home single mum barely coping, bullied and beat by brothers (Youngest of 3) they would often call me gay.... This family dynamic lead me into a lifestyle of intense drink and cannabis use daily from the age of 15 to escape.


    To hurry things up I have come off all intoxicants since moving in with my girl. 3 months of bliss perfect life (for the first time in my entire life) turned into my worst nightmare when I have suddenly started to question my orientation. It started with my mind saying ' what if I am gay?' After finishing up masturbating to a girl solo video whilst my gf was out at work and thought why am I watching porn when living with my girl. Previous to this we had been long distance for just over a year and I was consuming a lot of porn. (Never anything taboo just straight, lesbian and quite often girl solo). Masturbation has always been about girls without any curiosity about guys.


    This thought appeared and seriously intense checking of sexuality begun using porn, pictures, imagination, reading up on sexuality and looking into my past. In public my mind is measuring arousal to everyone in sight imagining them naked and imagining sexual experiences with them. It is sending me on the worst anxiety trip of my life and I decided to contact an emergency helpline one night when it felt like during work I had actually made a move to sexually assault my male manager during one of these mental checks, I thought I was going insane.


    The GP whom took my call assured me it sounded like intrusive thoughts from the recent changes in my lifestyle and that they would pass. Unfortunately I felt unable to stop obsessing and was continuing the checking routines etc.


    One night after about 10 continuous weeks checking through mental fantasy I was able to get an erection to a same sex fantasy although it took a massive amount of concentration and force. 2 days later I was again able to force an erection through a same sex fantasy. This sent me extremely depressed and I contacted my GP again whom said that this definitely does change things and has referred me to a psychologist.


    I am still checking, researching and thinking about this for pretty much my entire day for 5 months now with a bit of a difference.... I am only doing mental fantasy checks of me pleasuring and kissing a guy as I think I may have forced an erection through what I would be feeling when receiving pleasure. Using this method I have been unable to become erect even when magnifying potential fantasies deeply. I am able to become erect when I fantasise about pleasuring a girl without imagining what my penis would feel. However this does not stop my constant daily obsessing.


    I have not been diagnosed with OCD but I did go through my past when the GP suggested intrusive thoughts to see if it could be a possibility. I have been extremely anxious my entire life with always having some type of worry on my mind. (Way too many to include if this is relevant I can provide info). My mum also suffers from anxiety, depression, intrusive thoughts and body dysmorphia.

    The night before this obsession started I was googling why I am constantly having a worry on my mind at all times and OCD came up weirdly enough.

    I know I could have OCD or at least definitely an anxiety related issue and I know if I did it doesn't mean I'm not gay. Would you say these 2 erections out of probably 100s if not 1000+ of checks are significant? Do you think the mental check of giving pleasure rather than receiving it will be accurate enough to determine orientation?

    I am in the UK and waiting lists for the free therapists are long, I was hoping you may be able to provide some insight to whether or not this suggests I have any same sex attraction going on. My GF is aware of this situation I told her when it begun, I would like an answer if not for me then for her.


    I'm so sorry this message is so long you are obviously well within your right to not even read it.


    Thank you so much.
     
  2. Confusedmoose

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 6, 2016
    Messages:
    387
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    Toronto
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hey Roses,

    First of all congrats on getting off the intoxicants. That is something to be very proud of. I have anxiety and OCD and it does sound like you probably do have some sort of OCD (although I'm obviously not a psychiatrist so don't take my word on it). It seems to me that the fact that you have to put that much effort into getting aroused by a man, it seems unlikely that you are gay. Do you think that maybe because of the bullying from your brothers calling you gay, etc. that it has caused you anxiety about it and that you may be feeling compelled to feel something towards men? There is of course nothing wrong with exploring your sexuality, or having doubts and the fact that you have been open with your girlfriend is wonderful. Are you on that waiting list for a therapist?
     
    BiGemini87 likes this.
  3. Roses1276

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 3, 2020
    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Liverpool
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Hi @Confusedmoose I appreciate your reply more than you can imagine it makes me tearful how kind and supportive this forum is, it really was such a struggle becoming clean so thank-you.

    I agree that I definitely have some kind of anxiety at play here whether that is OCD or not I am unsure but sure seems like it could be from the amount of anxious obsessions I have had in my past which seem similar and common within other OCD sufferers. I believe what you're saying is definitely a possibility as I am just refusing to take no for an answer and have to constantly revisit these mental fantasies. I think like you said the teasing about it and the fact I am a fairly shy and anxious guy (without a father figure) to begin with convinces me it has to be true.

    I don't believe there is anything wrong with exploring sexuality either and if I felt like I genuinely wanted to and was single I wouldn't have a problem. The problem is however that I am with a perfect girl who is my best friend, who I love more than anything and has dragged me out of a ditch. Any exploration at this point would just be a forced encounter to answer my question of sexuality (Which it wouldn't). I am currently on a waiting list for telephone assessments due to corona virus so I will just have to wait I guess.

    You honestly don't understand how much your reply means to me at this moment and it's nothing to do with you reassuring my sexuality. It's feels like such a relief to just have a place to discuss and air out my thoughts and get an opinion without personal bias.

    Thank you so much
     
    Dackmon likes this.
  4. Confusedmoose

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 6, 2016
    Messages:
    387
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    Toronto
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    No worries! That's what EC is here for. If you ever need to talk I'm here. Also I hope you didn't think I was saying to go explore with other people, especially since you are in such a committed relationship. I just mean that it's nice to see you being so upfront with her. Again, it seems that you really care for her and there is no reason to force any sort of encounter.

    It's hard sometimes to figure out what is just obsessive thoughts and what is actually your real feelings.
     
  5. am724

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 17, 2018
    Messages:
    14
    Likes Received:
    14
    Location:
    United Kingdom
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I have ocd and anxiety and I can relate to your intrusive thoughts completely. You're doing the right thing going to your GP to get help. It is slow in the UK but there some good services out there.
    With regard to sexuality I am married but have accepted I am predominantly gay. One of the reasons I realised I am gay is that my fantasies are almost 100% gay now. And all I can say is I find it really easy to get aroused thinking about gay sex. Like really easy and equally easy to masturbate to. For me I'd have to really try now to get aroused to straight fantasies. I have tried a few times over the last few years but it's just too much effort and gay fantasies are just so much more of a turn on. So I would say if you really have to force yourself to get turned on by gay fantasies your probably not gay at all.
    Hopefully if you can start to get some help for the anxiety it will help with the intrusive thoughts.
     
  6. Roses1276

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 3, 2020
    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Liverpool
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    @Confusedmoose i didn't take it in that way at all I was just clarifying that if i felt it was something I was into and could get aroused by it I wouldn't be against experimenting if I was single! It atm however just gives me intense anxiety and doesn't feel like an experience I want, I am just forcing myself to think about it to gain an answer to my obsession. Thanks again for your responses and support!

    @am724 thankyou very much it is a hard thing to deal with isn't it! I am currently expecting a telephone assessment on the 1st of June (I have been waiting since February) so looking forward to that as my life is just on standstill atm. I hope this is not too rude to ask but if you fantasise about just pleasuring a guy whom you think is attractive is this enough to make you aroused?
     
  7. Confusedmoose

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 6, 2016
    Messages:
    387
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    Toronto
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    @Roses1276 Yeah I can understand how the intense anxiety would make it difficult. I think for the time being you are doing everything right.
     
  8. BiGemini87

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 21, 2019
    Messages:
    258
    Likes Received:
    130
    Location:
    Petawawa, ON
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    All but family
    To be honest, I'm not seeing anything in your post that suggest you're anything other than straight. The fact that the erection you gained was forced is a pretty good indicator. I'm not saying for certain that you're not something other than straight--just that imo, I'm not getting gay or bisexual vibes from your post.

    For one, watching porn even when you're in a relationship is normal--especially considering you were used to relying on it prior to moving in with your girlfriend. The availability of sex doesn't mean never having to masturbate ever again, and it's completely healthy. So in that regard, I wouldn't think too much on that (hard as that may be).

    It really does seem (again, imo) to be your OCD and anxiety working against you. If you had said something about repressing feelings/attraction toward the same sex due to growing up in a broken home where your brothers used "gay" as a slur, then I'd be inclined to say "sure, you could be gay or bisexual", but it sounds to me like there wasn't attraction of any kind.

    However, regardless of my own impressions, I'd definitely encourage seeking out the input of as many other people as possible. I'm sure someone here will be able to help you sort through things, or at least give you a much needed boost in the right direction. :slight_smile:
     
  9. case121

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 28, 2020
    Messages:
    31
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Berlin
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Interesting:slight_smile: But what does a broken family or brothers that use 'gay' as a slur have to do with being gay or bi?
     
  10. BiGemini87

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 21, 2019
    Messages:
    258
    Likes Received:
    130
    Location:
    Petawawa, ON
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    All but family
    In context, I said that if he had said anything about having those feelings and repressing them due to his home life, I'd be inclined to say that he could be gay or bisexual; my ultimate conclusion is that he isn't (since he had to force himself to get off to same-sex fantasies). I'm not all knowing about anxiety and OCD, but I know enough (especially about the former) to know that sometimes, we come to illogical conclusions and that they can often stem from the fear or shame imposed on us in our youth (or even younger).

    As in, just because he's fearful of being gay due to his past home life, doesn't mean he actually is; it could be something akin to a Pavlovian response, wherein he associates being gay with something negative because of his family, and because he's not in the best head space right now (i.e. feeling down on himself) he could be conflating his lacking self-worth with that.

    Again, not all-knowing or anything. These were just the conclusions I drew from his post, while extrapolating the rest from life experience. The brain is complex and can make some pretty strange connections. :slight_smile:
     
    #10 BiGemini87, May 26, 2020 at 11:49 AM
    Last edited: May 26, 2020 at 11:49 AM
  11. Roses1276

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 3, 2020
    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Liverpool
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    @Confusedmoose Thankyou I will keep you updated!

    @BiGemini87 thank-you for your insight I appreciate it more than you can imagine. The question for me at this point is just whether I have suppressed it without knowing because of my family using gay as a slur and projecting it within a negative light or whether like you say when I am in a bad head space I come back to my past traumas. I will update my thread as I come to finding more answers. Thanks again.