Typical (probably boring by now) denial vs Anxiety/ OCD scenario I am male, 23 and have been in a relationship with my best friend (GF) for 6 years! We have currently just moved in together for the first time in a new city! I have obviously not considered myself to be someone with same sex attraction hence this message however, there has been times in the past where I have noticed that a colleague was a good looking guy which was followed with a quick thought to whether I thought this meant I was gay. This thought would bring me anxiety when it did happen but I never thought it was anything more. Friends are mostly male never developed crushes etc. Mental health wise I have always been doing not so well... shy, awkward kid coming from dysfunctional home single mum barely coping, bullied and beat by brothers (Youngest of 3) they would often call me gay.... This family dynamic lead me into a lifestyle of intense drink and cannabis use daily from the age of 15 to escape. To hurry things up I have come off all intoxicants since moving in with my girl. 3 months of bliss perfect life (for the first time in my entire life) turned into my worst nightmare when I have suddenly started to question my orientation. It started with my mind saying ' what if I am gay?' After finishing up masturbating to a girl solo video whilst my gf was out at work and thought why am I watching porn when living with my girl. Previous to this we had been long distance for just over a year and I was consuming a lot of porn. (Never anything taboo just straight, lesbian and quite often girl solo). Masturbation has always been about girls without any curiosity about guys. This thought appeared and seriously intense checking of sexuality begun using porn, pictures, imagination, reading up on sexuality and looking into my past. In public my mind is measuring arousal to everyone in sight imagining them naked and imagining sexual experiences with them. It is sending me on the worst anxiety trip of my life and I decided to contact an emergency helpline one night when it felt like during work I had actually made a move to sexually assault my male manager during one of these mental checks, I thought I was going insane. The GP whom took my call assured me it sounded like intrusive thoughts from the recent changes in my lifestyle and that they would pass. Unfortunately I felt unable to stop obsessing and was continuing the checking routines etc. One night after about 10 continuous weeks checking through mental fantasy I was able to get an erection to a same sex fantasy although it took a massive amount of concentration and force. 2 days later I was again able to force an erection through a same sex fantasy. This sent me extremely depressed and I contacted my GP again whom said that this definitely does change things and has referred me to a psychologist. I am still checking, researching and thinking about this for pretty much my entire day for 5 months now with a bit of a difference.... I am only doing mental fantasy checks of me pleasuring and kissing a guy as I think I may have forced an erection through what I would be feeling when receiving pleasure. Using this method I have been unable to become erect even when magnifying potential fantasies deeply. I am able to become erect when I fantasise about pleasuring a girl without imagining what my penis would feel. However this does not stop my constant daily obsessing. I have not been diagnosed with OCD but I did go through my past when the GP suggested intrusive thoughts to see if it could be a possibility. I have been extremely anxious my entire life with always having some type of worry on my mind. (Way too many to include if this is relevant I can provide info). My mum also suffers from anxiety, depression, intrusive thoughts and body dysmorphia. The night before this obsession started I was googling why I am constantly having a worry on my mind at all times and OCD came up weirdly enough. I know I could have OCD or at least definitely an anxiety related issue and I know if I did it doesn't mean I'm not gay. Would you say these 2 erections out of probably 100s if not 1000+ of checks are significant? Do you think the mental check of giving pleasure rather than receiving it will be accurate enough to determine orientation? I am in the UK and waiting lists for the free therapists are long, I was hoping you may be able to provide some insight to whether or not this suggests I have any same sex attraction going on. My GF is aware of this situation I told her when it begun, I would like an answer if not for me then for her. I'm so sorry this message is so long you are obviously well within your right to not even read it. Thank you so much.