Ever since I was a kid, I’ve been pretty comfortable with sexual thoughts and ideas. I started watching porn and masturbating at a young age. I’ve always enjoyed talking and thinking about sex, love, romance, etc. even when my friends didn’t. I remember in like 5th grade, I literally kept a printed picture of Sam from Glee in my pocket. I thought he was so hot. I would tell my friends about how I imagined he and I having sex, which, in hindsight, is SO SO weird, considering I was like 11/12 years old. I also had a massive crush on Brendan Fraser for the majority of my young life and a crush on some kid in my class for, like, the entirety of elementary school. So, yeah, I’ve always been a sexual person and always been into guys. I’ve never thought twice about my attraction to them. Now I’m 16 and I haven’t done anything with guys at all yet, although I still think about them like 75% of the time. Guys have always been a big part of my thinking and everything. I’ve always been known as the “boy-obsessed” one – I literally have a huge list of guys I want to marry and a list of qualities of my “ideal man” (I know that sounds really fucking weird!) I’ve fantasized about my future with a husband and when I would finally have a boyfriend and that stuff never felt weird for me. I’m DEFINITELY a “hopeless romantic” and love rom-coms, the Bachelorette, and Ryan Gosling. But yeah, for the past couple of years, most of my friends hadn’t done anything with guys. We would all laugh at how hopelessly single we were and I enjoyed living my life that way. Although I was excited to date guys and do stuff like that, I felt no urgency to start doing those things and actually strayed away from situations where I thought I’d have to hook up with guys or something. I had (and, really, still have) an intense fear of hooking up with guys – I was afraid that I’d be a bad kisser, it would be awkward, I’d be doing everything wrong, etc. So yeah, I haven’t hooked up with a guy yet, but about two weeks ago, I kissed two of my closest friends. It was for practice – hooking up is more of a big thing now so I figured practicing with my friends would be a good way to get more comfortable with it without the stress of actually doing it. One of these friends I actually think I used to have a small crush on in like 8th grade… but anyways I kissed them and had no desire to continue/deepen the kiss I guess you could say. I felt no “spark”, but I wasn’t ever really thinking of it in that way. SO BASICALLY, a couple days later (and about two weeks ago), I started feeling “not myself”, I guess you could say. I started thinking intensely about my sexual orientation, but in a way that I never had before. I felt like I had lost my attraction to guys, I didn’t masturbate, and in general I just felt very weird and uninterested in guys and sexual things. I was INTENSELY scared that my sexual orientation had suddenly just changed. I would “test” myself to see if I felt sexual attraction to guys (or EVEN girls) and felt nothing. I tried to chalk it up to a bunch of different things: low libido, depression, stress, etc. but I felt like none of those things could have had that large of an effect on me. I started telling one of my close friends about this problem and we laughed about it, called it my “low sex drive” and would joke about it every day. I began to believe that I had suddenly become asexual, aromantic or possibly demi sexual. I posted my story on an asexuality website, which told me quickly that I was in fact not asexual (or aromantic or demi sexual). This brought me relief for about half a day until I was convinced that I was asexual again. I would constantly go through the reasons I thought I was/wasn’t asexual, then I would take a bunch of quizzes and read through countless articles on “signs you may be asexual”… I related to very few of these “signs”, although I would still believe that I must somehow be asexual and hiding it from myself. This thought made me sick – my “asexuality” felt like a curse and made me so upset I didn’t want to do anything. But, by the end of the week, I finally convinced myself that I wasn’t asexual. I laughed at the thought I ever believed I was, and for about a day, I think, I felt normal again. Until, of course, the same thing happened again, although, instead, I began to think I was lesbian. This, though, was not a new thought. I’ve wondered whether I was a lesbian before, considering I have felt attracted to girls in the past, though I haven’t been attracted to nearly as many girls as I have guys. Every time I’ve thought about me being lesbian, it has been more of a passing thought, and for some reason I always remember me having the reaction of being like “Well, if I’m actually a lesbian, I’ll just suppress it or worry about it later because I don’t want to be a lesbian.”, which is one of the reasons I fear my entire life I’ve been suppressing my lesbian tendencies. But, anyways, I went through the same series of actions, only worse. I began by taking quizzes, and then started to read different internet articles and forums and all this shit on how to figure out if you’re a lesbian. I spend everyday doing these same things, going over in my mind all these reasons I could/could not be lesbian, “checking” out girls to see whether I’m attracted to them, etc. I’m constantly thinking about different childhood experiences and whether they’re indicators that I’m lesbian and questioning ALL the attraction I’ve ever felt to guys and girls. Every time I encounter a girl, I ask myself, “Are you attracted to her?”. I’m so hyperaware of girls and BOOBS now and I’m constantly sexualizing them – but these thoughts are unwanted (I was never even INTO boobs ever before). I hate asking myself whether I’m attracted to girls and thinking of them sexually – it is so unnatural. I used to never notice girls or sexualize at them at all. Most times when I thought they were pretty, it was just that they were “aesthetically attractive”, more of me wanting to BE them rather than be WITH them. Thinking about girls like this is SO EXHAUSTING but I can’t stop. I go between being so confident that I am straight to then believing completely that I must be lesbian and I’ve just been in denial. I’ve also looked at pictures of girls and then guys to see if I had any “groinal response”. Anytime I do I become extremely anxious and worried. Now, I know “false attractions” are probably not real but I feel like looking at girls so much and thinking about them sexually so much has made me more “into” them if that’s possible? Which also SERIOUSLY FUCKIN SCARES me. The thought of me being a lesbian in general feels alien to me. These “lesbian” thoughts make me uncomfortable and stressed and thinking about me with a girl feels weird. Every time I’m slightly “attracted” to a girl or not attracted to a guy I’m so scared that I have turned lesbian. My heterosexuality is something that I feel comfortable with and something that I would say is a slightly large part of the way I live my life, so suddenly questioning whether I am straight feels SO SCARY. I am so worried that I never ACTUALLY found guys sexually attractive and that I’ve been in denial this entire time/haven’t realized my REAL sexuality. But, the thing is, I’ve never had a female crush or ever been seriously into a female character in a movie. Despite the fact that I’ve definitely been attracted to females, these attractions never developed into fully formed crushes, like they had for guys, and I think everyone's a little bi and I've felt attracted to girls less than 10 times. I think at this point I could say I’d be completely satisfied in life having no lesbian relationships ever. Seeing myself with a girl in the future feels so very weird. I don’t have crushes on girls and just don’t view them as potential relationship partners – I have always seen them as friends. But, on the other hand, I HAVE found girls attractive on few occasions, I watch lesbian porn sometimes, and I’m not in any rush to get with guys. All of these things seriously worry me. I feel like every day I come up with something new to be scared about that I think reveals that I’m actually a lesbian. I also have a deep fear that sex with guys will not be fulfilling? I’m not sure how to describe this… I’ve wanted to have sex with guys on multiple occasions. I’ve wanted dick before and have sometimes gone on omegle and looked at guys jacking off which turns me on but on the other hand, I feel like not many guys have really made me horny. Now, I know I can’t really say anything about being horny and getting with guys because I’m never exposed to guys, but I just really fear that this thinking also means that I’m a lesbian. But, the thing is, I don’t think that girls will be more sexually appealing/satisfying to me, so I guess that means something too? I have no idea. The thought of making out with a girl isn’t repulsive to me, I just have never had any desire to ENGAGE in that type of activity. Anyways, a few days ago, I found out about this thing called ‘HOCD’. I began to read about it and felt an OVERWHELMING sense of relief – I related to every “symptom” of HOCD and was so happy that I had finally found what was going on with me. It would also completely make sense for me to have it because I have, in the past, struggled with serious anxiety and intense “perfectionism”, which I always thought was something along the lines of anxiety and OCD. But, now, days later, I’m feeling just as lost as I was before – I need to talk to a therapist and I know if I tell my mom she’d get me one soon, but I just don’t know how to tell her about what I’ve been feeling without sounding sort of crazy. But, basically, all this QUESTIONING has made my life miserable. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO!
Okay, so I've just taken out some parts from what you've written...if you look at these quotes, you state that you are not attracted to girls multiple times. You're not sexually attracted to girls, you don't want to date them and you see them as "aesthetically attractive" which is totally normal for a heterosexual girl. Honestly, when I first opened this thread, I thought you had HOCD just from seeing how much you'd written. You do seem to have an obsession around your sexuality and I'm so sorry that it's consuming your mind like this. I've dealt with intrusive thoughts before and it is no fun. Oh and there is a "groinal response" symptom of OCD...I've seen this online regarding sufferers of both HOCD and POCD. Nothing you've written indicates you're anything but straight IMO. I'm assuming your friend is female but experimentation with members of the same sex is again, completely normal for heterosexuals, especially since you're only sixteen. A lot of straight girls prefer lesbian porn, I know it sounds weird but porn actually isn't a good indicator of your sexuality. Trust me, you're not asexual either. If you were you wouldn't be fantasizing about sex with guys or want sex at all. Fluctuations in your sex drive are normal but it seems you're under a whole lot of stress so it wouldn't surprise me if that was suppressing your sex drive. I hope that helps. I'm sorry if I sounded really mad or something, I just want you to get the idea out of your mind because intrusive thoughts suck. I've had them since eight years old and it's a hard cycle to break. Try and talk to a therapist or school guidance counselor if it gets any worse. Good luck
Thank you for responding!!! It's funny that you mention how long this post was, becuase I had to spend like 30 minutes shortening it before I posted it becuase it had reached the character limit. The thing is, I think I have been attracted to girls in the past as more than just an "aesthetic attraction". This deeply worries me, although on the other hand I do believe that everyone is bi and has liked at least one person of the same sex. I never saw these attractions form into crushes at all and could never see myself with these girls, but then that makes me believe that the only reason I couldn't see myself with them was because of society and all the messages I've been getting since birth that I should end up with a guy in the end. I don't know. This is just making me question everything. Thank you for responding though!
There's a rather simple reason that many people have this pseudo-holy moment when they read the symptoms of HOCD: it's a load of vague symptoms and anxieties that anybody can relate to who has been closeted at some point in their life. Unless you have displayed OCD behaviours and been diagnosed as such by a qualified professional, then it isn't adequate to simply locate a single trait and self-diagnose it as HOCD. That isn't to say that people with OCD cannot have compulsive intrusions regarding their sexual identity etc, but it doesn't become an autonomous condition like the name HOCD suggests. It's why, for example, you don't see people identifying as DCOCD (door checking obsessive compulsive disorder) or [insert any other stereotypical compulsive behaviour here]. OCD is a broad umbrella, and therefore it requires an expert consultation and diagnosis. The one thing that is very apparent to an overwhelming number of people who I have seen identify as HOCD is that they not only self-diagnose, but they have this rather self-destructive mindset that they can't get their 'condition' legitimated because the medical field is out to get them, and therefore they rely on the reinforcement of other self-diagnosed people to legitimate their condition. It's not a healthy place to be, especially as it tends to become a rather dysfunctional and mutually-suffering echo chamber. So... my advice in this regard would be to consult a professional if you are concerned you have OCD which is affecting your sexual identity. Self-diagnosing, and seeking the informal advice of others who have done the same, isn't a treatment plan for OCD. Regarding your actual identity, there is no way for us to know, based on your posts. I've been on this support community for nearly 10 years, and there's still no magic wand that we can wave to figure out if somebody is a specific identity or not. Having read your post, I can't tell one way or another what your identity is, because the subtext of what you're writing is very defensive and searching for context to prove you're heterosexual. Additionally, there's elements of contradiction in what you say, because you're desperately searching for any excuses as to why you may be attracted to other women, but then you're also acknowledging you've had attractions to girls, that you're deeply worried by it, and that you also believe that everybody is in someway bi. The problem with the 'everybody is bi' routine is that also doesn't leave the HOCD identity on a particularly solid footing, because all you have then are people who are supposedly bi reacting to a world which demands heteronormativity and identity. Honestly, it is no wonder you cannot figure out and have confidence in your attractions, because your mindset isn't allowing you to understand them in a particularly healthy way. You concede you think you may have been attracted to women in the past, but your defence mechanisms about what this may mean is causing you to overthink a lot of things. That isn't a criticism of you, because I suspect many of us have been guilty of doing this in the past, myself included. As a teenager, a possible attraction to somebody of the same-sex was accompanied with me internally beating myself up, creating rationalisations about it not meaning anything more than acknowledging that a person can be good looking, and completely overcompensating for that by self-stigmatising my own thoughts. In other words, it's no wonder you can't really grasp what your attractions mean, because you're not really experiencing attractions in a way that allows you to understand them. Instead, any time you have a hint of an attraction to somebody, you're then engaging in an elaborate internal argument with yourself about what it means, whether it's real etc, and that's not a way of understanding who we're attracted to. The unfortunate part is that because we think like that, that too must be evidence that we aren't LGBT, because we can't pinpoint a moment when we've had a clear and 'undisturbed' attraction to somebody. It was only later that I realised that the reason I didn't understand my own attractions to people was because potentially having one caused this elaborate and defensive thought process in my head about what it all meant. The end result was that it just masked any attraction I did have because, after all, who cares who you're attracted to when you're in the midst of an identity crisis? I don't say all this, however, to convince you that you are straight, gay, bisexual etc. The reason I say it all is because you're at a place that many of us have been before, and we do end up at different ending points despite that. Some people conclude that they've had a phase and can only have a meaningful relationship with people of the opposite sex, whilst others conclude the same about people of the same-sex, or those somewhere in the middle. You'll need time, space and honest reflections to really understand what it all means and get some sense of perspective. The one thing that was really interesting from your posts is the sudden shift away from HOCD, to questioning whether your mindset has been impacted by society's heteronormativity and homophobia. It is something which impacts us all, including those who identify as straight after posting similar questions. Unfortunately, there's no quick way to address it and offer a fantastic solution, but if you're not afraid to ask questions and reflect upon things properly then you're already well on your way to understanding who you are. There are acknowledgements you have made which are potentially indicative of attractions towards both sexes, but it isn't my place to try and box you into a particular identity based on 1 or 2 posts. That's why it's important that *you* are the one who identifies yourself, and not giving strangers the power to do it for you.
Hi, So I sort of understand what you're saying... that lots of people go through these feelings of "questioning" and I can't really call it HOCD... I understand that, and honestly it makes me really scared that you say that, but you point out a valid argument. I mean, I was wary of believing I had HOCD at first because I saw it primarily on internet forums and, as you probably know, you can't really trust strangers online who diagnose you with disorders over a professional opinion. I did some research on more well-known public medical websites and found information about "sexuality" ocd so I assumed it was a real thing. The only thing is, I don't feel like this is the way most people "come out" or "realize their sexuality". And maybe the only reason I'm making these rationalizations because I don't want to be gay, but these feelings are so "all of the sudden" and uncomfortable for me. I never thought of myself with a girl, never thought of myself marrying a woman, and still can't really see myself having sex with a woman. The feelings are slightly unnatural and uncomfortable for me so it's hard for me to believe that this is just normal. I mean, for the past two weeks I've been so extremely stressed and upset over all of this that I just don't want to do anything. Some of these "symptoms" I believe just can't be normal... the "groinal response" checking, constantly asking myself whether I'm attracted to every girl I see, etc. And the thought of me with a girl is so so weird. I mean, who knows. I guess I'll figure it out soon. Thank you for your response.
Maybe I'm trying to rationalize even more, but I've never felt like I was "in the closet". I've always felt regular with my friends and just... I don't know, normal. I don't know what I'm trying to say here, but I can't stop OBSESSING. That's the thing that I think it unnatural. I can't turn the thoughts off. I'm CONSTANTLY thinking about this and it's just terrible... I don't usually have these feelings towards girls. I don't usually even NOTICE girls. It's just... icky. I feel like I'm trapped in this dark place and I can't leave. I'm so upset. Anywho... if anyone else has any advice/support to offer, that would be really nice. Thank you to those who have responded!
About noticing boobs... well, you know how when you first hear of or buy something then suddenly it seems like they're everywhere? And you never noticed before? Boobs (mmmm!) are like that. Especially if you are (here it comes) the obsessive type. Now HOCD may not be a real "thing" but it sounds like it is a description of your sort of personality -- right now. It will change. (Although you may always love boobs. Most mammals do.) At the risk of repeating other posts, you sound basically straight. There is no question you like guys, think about guys, imagine a life with a guy, etc. And it sounds like you would prefer sex with a guy, even though you couldn't rule out "crossing the line". The kissing didn't make the earth move. So your problem is the self-reinforcing worrying. And (dang it!) knowing that doesn't help nearly as much as you'd like. Because you do already pretty much understand that fact, but the friggin' "mind-loop" won't stop. Perfectionism is pretty close to OCD. You can turn it to good use -- artists, scientists, athletes do. I hope you can break the dumb cycle and relax. Maybe a real boyfriend?
I was recently diagnosed with severed OCD. My psychiatrists and therapists told me that I was obsessing with my sexuality and the idea of me being gay. It sounds like you are going down that rabbit hole. Hope for the best. If it helps, I suggest you read my previous posts, I went through hell. I am back to my old me and log back in with people like you and me.
Actually, this almost sounds like me, but in my case it's just the other way around: I identify as lesbian, I see my future with a female and just know that it must be totally fulfilling for me, the idea of intimacy with a girl is totally enjoyable, but for some time I've been having (just as you've described) very exhausting intrusive thoughts about an opposite sex. I guess (at least in my case) it must be an OCD. Exactly how I feel now, too.
