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Help! I'm being pushed back into the closet.

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by DecentOne, May 17, 2018.

  1. DecentOne

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    If you read my earliest posts I was pretty much straight. I don't know why that has shifted, but looking back there is enough in my younger years to point to some same sex attraction. So, not made up, for me at least.
    I'm glad to be on E.C. I've recommended this place to a couple others.
     
  2. SevnButton

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    Yeah, there are PLENTY of things I can cite to show that this isn't just some passing fancy. But the thought still comes up. I think it's self-doubt as I get closer to having The Talk with my wife.
     
  3. DecentOne

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    You know how the younger folks on EC are encouraged to write a letter, to be clear on what they want to communicate? I suggest that for you before you walk into a conversation with your wife. I might have done the same, but didn't, and I can hear some of my earlier doubts being fed back to me by my wife as she is in denial/anger. I was pretty clear, and have been even more direct and clear since then, so not too bad that I did it without writing it out first, but still it might have helped a tiny bit.
     
  4. SevnButton

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    Great suggestion, Thanks DecentOne. Almost 10 years ago I wrote a letter to my wife on a completely different, but sensitive topic, following some poor advise from a counselor. It really hurt my wife's feelings, and it's still a sore subject. Maybe I'll write down my thoughts more in the form a diary that I could share with her.
     
  5. DecentOne

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    @SevnButton , in another thread here on EC recently you noted I'd been looking at straight spouse postings in their network forum. I came across one posted years ago which may be useful to me understanding why this is so hard for my wife. The poster said that all past is interpreted through the present. So every wonderful part of our wedding, marriage, raising children, going on trips, simple examples of expressing love, etc. are now no longer true, just because I'm Bi. Since I'm not the same straight man, it was all a lie.

    I'm looking back at movies where this reinterpretation happened. In "Get Out" -- the cop asks for Chris's license even though he wasn't driving (Rose was), and girlfriend Rose challenges the officer. When movie goers first see the scene it is interpreted one way, but once you get to the end of the movie it is reinterpreted. Or "The Sixth Sense" where we experience Bruce Willis' interactions with people all through the movie, but then have to go back and watch again to see it with new eyes when all is revealed in the end.

    That straight spouse spoke to his/her support network expressing something like that (didn't use the movie examples, that's my own creativity here). My wife can't articulate it... she just says I lied, and that our marriage has been a lie.

    The sad thing is I thought being open and vulnerable and real with my wife would improve our trust and love of one another. I'm feeling she responds as if I've given her a cruel movie plot twist.
     
  6. FooFight54

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    DecentOne, my heart goes out to you. I came out to my wife over a year ago that I'm bisexual and we struggle daily. I'm in therapy as well and have told my wife on a regular basis that I'm committed to her and to our marriage. However, there is NO intimacy to this day. I'm not trusted, especially in public. I have starred at other men in her presence, which I know is wrong. I struggle with coming out and not being physical by my wife leads me to my GAY side. Then I wonder am I truly GAY? My wife has the same fear that I will leave her for another man. With help from my therapist, I share with my wife daily that I want to be married to her, committed to her for the long journey.

    Stay strong and continue to share with your wife what's in your heart.
     
  7. r2de2baca

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    my thoughts on this are:

    1. what do you want for your future. if you want to stay with your wife and not entertain men, then just tell the wife, you're being upfront with her now. it's hard to disclose, you're not acting on it and all is well.

    2. wife my not be able to get it out of her head that you like men. some women really have a problem with this and may try to esmasculate you or never let you live this down. they may do this because they now feel insecure and paranoid which is understandable.

    3. why tell the kids if you're not going to be doing anything about it.
     
  8. DecentOne

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    Oh, I am so sorry to hear that over a year later it is still a struggle, even with your constant reinforcement that you are committed to her.

    I'm glad you have your therapist. I'm finding that to be a lifeline for me. I don't have much to say on E.C. lately, as this is just so hard for me to be in this stuck place with my wife.
     
  9. DecentOne

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    Yes... repeating this daily. Except for the "hard to disclose part" which doesn't fit for my attitude (because I'd like to be out to more people, and she is upset that I could be so authentic/open and says not to do it).
    She reads the straight spouse forum too (I don't know if she has signed up for the private forum, but we both found the public forum). Sadly most (if not all) of those posts are from spouses who are dealing with the opposite from me. I am open, honest, and faithful - and lots of those folks have just found out their "GID" spouse has cheated on them or brought home an STI. Not my situation at all, but feeds her fears. My wife says to me that the only reason a person comes out is because they are announcing they want sex. No. I came out to her so that I was true and open and willing to be vulnerable with her. I want to come out to more folks because that is a part of the healthy process of integrating and claiming this for my authentic self.
    My kids are important to me. I don't want to hide myself from them. My youngest has been around the house lately and has watched my wife cry and has asked what's wrong... and is getting brushed off. We need to get to the point of my kids knowing, and soon. I've read (and this sounds true to me) that if you withhold important things from your kids they get the sense you don't trust them, and that affects their well being and future relationships, and damages the parent-child relationship.
     
    #29 DecentOne, Jun 12, 2018
    Last edited: Jun 12, 2018
    SevnButton likes this.
  10. FooFight54

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    Thank you both, early40's and DecentOne for your support, I very much appreciate it!!!

    DecentOne, I offer courage and support to you and your family.
     
  11. SevnButton

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    Trying to resolve my own sexuality and marriage, three things have become apparent from people's posts here on EC:
    1) There are lots of men in similar situations
    2) Some guys end up ending their marriages, others figure out a way to make it work
    3) The ones who make it work do it with honesty, compassion, and forgiveness, especially forgiveness of themselves.