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Help-I want my old self back

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Eric Dave, Sep 16, 2014.

  1. Eric Dave

    Eric Dave Guest

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    I grew up believing I was straight. Never had gay feelings and lusted after girls. I would get very horny and excited seeing girls boobs or whatever. I led a sheltered life and didnt socialise until my very late teens. But I would masturbate about girls a few times a day. The orgasms used to be mindblowingly enjoyable. I usually just fantasised about girls or female teachers I knew or pics of lingerie models. This was the mid 90-late 90's before I had internet. I knew about gay people but always found what they did gross and weird and not something I would like to think about. I thought it was icky. (no offence)

    When I was 18 I tried masturbating to thoughts about a guy I knew to try it out to see what it was like. I reacted the same as for girls but it satisfied my curiosity and never felt a need to do it again. I knew I liked girls and that was that really. I continued to masturbate about thoughts of girls.

    Then I got sick age 19 and my erections have never beeen the same. I have posted my story here before so I wont repeat myself but after years of erection probelms even during masturbation I questioned if I was gay. There was no attraction to guys before the thought occured to me. It was more questioning what was wrong down there and then coming to a possible gay diagnosis.

    Anyway my erections are still not quite right. When masturating to any gender my penis goes flaccid within 10 seconds when I stop rubbing myself. As a teen I couldnt keep it down!

    Anyway age 25 I came to a panic conclusion Im gay and my life has been miserable since. I dont want to be gay or ever do anything with a guy. I loved girls growing up and got very excited by them but it has diminished significantly. Even after my erection issues set in I would prematurely ejaculate when fooling around with girls and for my first few times having sex with girls I blew my load within 30 seconds of being inside her.

    However since the idea that being gay is the cause for my E.D. began I cant shake off the belief that im gay even though my erections are still not right even to thoughts of guys or gay porn etc.. I used these to test my reactions to see if I could induce an erection.

    What scares me though is that the orgasms can be stronger and more intense to thoughts of guys now. I dunno if this is because Im scared as I rub one out to men and the fear is making it feel more intense. I dont want to ever do this in real life though i.e. sex with guys. After my E.D. set in my orgasm intensity to girls slowly declined. It used to be unbelievably good. I remember getting so excited I'd blow my load seeing a girl strip on tv. Now when i se a girl on tv I feel little arousal. When I am with a girl in the bedroom in real life I still get aroused to seeing her naked.

    When I masturbate about girls I can ejaculate a large amount of fluid but the 'chemical brain release' factor seems to be missing now. That peak of ecstasy that I used to get for girls. I can admit that sometimes its there to thoughts of guys although very inconsistently and could be because I am scared of being aroused when masturbating about men. I do it to check if im gay if that makes sense.

    I have been diagnosed with ocd by Steven Phillipson and his colleague. I have also soughtan opinion from Jon Hershfield and posted on many ocd forums.

    Everyone tells me its ocd not a sexuality issue. While this makes me feel happy and reasured short term the doubts and anxiety are present everyday. I never seem to believe them that its an anxirty disorder and not just internalised homophobia.

    They say I have many compulsions and am obsessing about this non stop which is true.

    My behaviours are the following:

    Feel happy then something causes a burst of anxiety in me. Usually the sight of an attractive guy or gettting some feeling in my groin that co-incides with this event. My anxiety shoots up. I dont enjoy the feeling and assume it menas Im gay and I start to freak out a bit. To quell the anxiety I will post on ocd message boards what happened, or go test myself to the thoughts of that guy by masturbating about him to see if I get aroused or if I find it enjoyable. When doing it Im hoping I dont get aroused. Sometimes I get so anxious I have to go to a public bathroom to check. Once on an airplane I got anxiety and went twice to the toilet to masturbate to check my reactions to men.
    I feel a bit of relief when I dont get aroused. But then I think I was hoping it wouldnt work so then think that stopped the arousal so try again trying to enjoy it. If I get aroused or start to get erect I get anxiety and then freak out more.

    I have had checking binges whereby I will masturbate 8 times a day comparing my arousals and orgasms to gay v straight thoughts, or gay v straight porn etc..

    All I know is this has been happening 7yrs now and anytime I feel aroused by anything remotely associated with gayness I become anxious. I dont enjoy it although can force myself to orgasm by stimulating myself although I have to power through my anxiety as I do this.

    When this happens I feel like I have raped myself and feel depresed after and end up online asking for reasurance or researching ocd or gayness.

    I just want my old self back. The one who loved chicks, got horny and excited by them. Not this limp dicked homosexual that i seem to have become. Its like all the things I couldnt wait to experiece in life has become a nightmare.

    I feel as if I am living in a nightmare. I do not enjoy even getting as much as a tingle down there when seeing a guy. It causes me anxiety even after 7 yrs. The anxiety isnt going away.

    I am not religious and dont think gayness is wrong. I think its natural but I dont want to do it. I want a girl!! :frowning2: I remember how they made me feel and now its gone :frowning2:

    People tell me the following are compulsions:
    -constantly asking for reassurance
    -checking my arousals to gay v straight thoughts repetitively everyday
    -confessing over and over to my parents that i'm gay numerous times a day in an effort to reduce the anxiety. I have done this for 7yrs now and they think I'm nuts.
    -researching gayness such as on here


    Arousal used to feel pleasant and exciting. Now its this horrible scary thing that fills me with terror. The thought of being in a relationship with a guy makes me depressed and anxious. I dont want to miss out on girls :frowning2:(

    But I'm scared I will never experiece that lovely excitement and mind blowing orgasms from them again and this is making me panic.
     
  2. ChromeNerd

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    Just get treatment for your OCD.
     
  3. TheStormInside

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    Eric Dave, I agree, you need to get treatment for your OCD. This guy sounds a lot like you, maybe his story will resonate with you and something will click.

    [YOUTUBE]e45EXbs7zZc[/YOUTUBE]
     
  4. Eric Dave

    Eric Dave Guest

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    Hi storm, Yes my story is almost the exact same but Im still worrying Im gay 24/7. It seems like all this evidence has built up to prove I am and its scaring the crap out of me.

    When I see a good looking guy I become scared and get a feeling in my groin. I'm worried I will never have a sex drive for girls again.
     
  5. TheStormInside

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    Well, that's exactly why you need to get treatment for your OCD. That's the only way this is going to get better, Eric Dave.
     
  6. Eric Dave

    Eric Dave Guest

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    Ok so I am posting here right now because I feel a bit anxious. I have been texting a girl on ******. I used to feel horny texting a girl because we flirt and stuff and I would get a boner and maybe feel an urge to masturbate to thoughts of her etc..

    Anyway the last year I've noticed that I am not getting aroused anymore and that even dirty talk is not really getting me going. this is worrying me. So tonight I was texting her and thinking why amn't i getting horny like I used to? So I imagined texting a guy and flirting and saying dirty things and I felt aroused. Now I feel like shit and depressed that I am actually gay.

    The only thing that keeps me in hope its ocd and not because Im gay is my past. I used to get aroused by girls, texting them, kisssing them etc..

    Am i gay? :frowning2: I dont want to do anything with a guy in real life.
     
  7. Eric Dave

    Eric Dave Guest

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    I'm freaking out that I am even capable of being aroused by a gay thought or sight of a guy. :frowning2:
     
  8. Kriskluwe

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    Ok, I can sort of relate to this way too much . Except for the e d ( sorry dude ) . Anyway, don't you mean treatment for E D D not O C D ( dsmvi dx)?

    ---------- Post added 19th Sep 2014 at 04:51 PM ----------

    Clarification : I meant that didn't the E D precede any possible OCD ? Which would mean that it just might be that and then work from there with the O C D.....
     
  9. Eric Dave

    Eric Dave Guest

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    I had erectile dysfunction for 6yrs and saw all sorts of doctors about it before wondering if maybe being gay was the cause. Never had a gay thought or attractions just wondered that somethig had to be causing it and being gay seemed like a posssible cause even though I had never even thought about being gay, nor thought about men or had any crushes or desires for men. I panicked from then on and now over 7yrs later still terrified of being gay. I was told I have ocd or hocd but Im still convinced Im gay and just not accepting it even though I never want to kiss a guy in real life or have a relationship with a guy. It fills me with sadness when I think of it.

    I was watching the hangover and the scene where the asian guy jimps out of the trunk naked gave me a groinal response or maybe it was some arousal but unwanted and made me feel fearful. Now I feel shit again and conviced Im gay. It freaks me out and makes me really worried that I am even capable of being aroused by men. :frowning2:


    All my life I visualized women and got hard and enjoyed it and liked girls. Now I can never have a relationship with a girl again :frowning2:
     
  10. Guitar123

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    Just because you do not get aroused by girls anymore doesnt mean you cant be in a relationship with them. Look if your gay then your gay. If your straight then your straight. But if you are gay then just blank everything out. Dont think about sex at all. Its not compulsary to be ina relationship anyway. My advice is that if you feel aroused at men on the tv then just switch channels. If your thinking of gay porn, dont, just think if girls. You dont HAVE to be aroused by them just dont think about guys if you really dont want to
     
  11. Reptillian

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    I love how people claimed that this man has OCD. If you are affirmative that your sexual orientation changed, it's likely not coming back. I used to be heterosexual, but now I am not into sex. Tried looking back and confusion explanation is disregarded as it does not align with I felt.
     
  12. TJ

    TJ
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    I don't have a lot to offer on the subject, sorry Eric Dave.
    However I'm just jumping in to say that the quoted advice isn't a good idea. Gm53 is essentially suggesting you deny your feelings and, instead of resolving your confusing feelings, repress them.

    I wouldn't recommend that.

    Anyway - absolute best of luck to you. This place is a wonderful resource. :slight_smile:
     
  13. ChromeNerd

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    I have to disagree with you. I don't think his sexuality has changed. It's a well documented fact that people with OCD often feel like their sexuality has changed.
     
  14. Chip

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    In this case, he has OCD diagnoses by crdible professionals, plus a lot in what and how he is writing that would support that idea.

    To the OP: it seems highly likely that the OCD is the root problem, not your sexual orientation. Without resolving the OCD, there's no way to tell where your real attractions lie.

    Deal with the OCD first, then the other issue will resolve itself.
     
  15. Eric Dave

    Eric Dave Guest

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    @chip

    Hi chip. How do i know I haven't turned gay though? There are incidents which are freaking me out. e.g. I was on facebook and saw a cartoon photo of a topless guy some girl had posted (like an anime cartoon) and I felt scared and aroused at the same time and now Im feeling anxious and panicked.

    I can also be looking at facebook or tv and if some photo or tv scene ctaches me off guard such as a topless guy etc I get this fear/arousal. Its not an erection but I feel like my groin is horny yet Im scared at the same time. Its like being raped but getting aroused during the raping. Its confusing because you know you dont want it but your body is reacting sexually.

    How do I know im not gay?? :frowning2:

    Before I started worrying about being gay I remember looking at mens fitness magazines in the barbers and wondering what women see in guys? I couldnt get why girls were attracted as I thought men were ugly with muscley bodies which to me were not attractive. I never once felt aroused. I thought women got a bum deal, that us guys got to have sex with women and that women were so much more sexy and beautiful.
    I also used to get aroused to topless photos of girls or raunchy lingerie pgotos and that has all disappeared.

    Since this panic and fear of being gay has started I cant STOP my body reacting to pics of men.

    You have no idea how freaked out I am by this. Right now Im convinced Im gay and its so depressing. I am genuinely scared when my groin reacts or feels 'aroused' by a guy. My breathing stops and I feel 'oh no! here's that awful feeling again' type reaction and its scary when your body is reacting to something you do not want.

    I never found men attractive and I went to an all boys high school and never wanted a romance or anything with men-only women. Now Im terrified of seeing men on the street or on tv/facebook etc in case I get aroused and if I do Im freaking out like now. I will be dwelling on this all day and worrying about it.

    People tell me this is the 'groinal response' caused by anxiety/ocd but I am not so sure at all. Im worried sick about this.
     
    #15 Eric Dave, Sep 23, 2014
    Last edited: Sep 23, 2014
  16. nerdbrain

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    Hypothetical question: if you received a letter from God tomorrow saying that you are 100% gay, what would you do? Would you be upset or would you just go about adapting to your new gay life?

    The reason I'm asking this is that it sounds like the uncertainty over whether or not you are gay is what's killing you (i.e., the fear of not having an answer), rather than the possibility of actually being gay. I realize this is a subtle distinction but it's pretty important in OCD-land.

    As I understand it, the path forward is to adopt a mental stance of "It's possible that I'm gay" and keep yourself open to the possibility without trying to resolve it.
     
  17. Eric Dave

    Eric Dave Guest

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    No I would be devastated if God told me I was gay. I mean out and out depression.

    Also the not knowing is also killing me.


    Its like that missing malaysian plane. The not knowing is killing them but if you told them their relative was dead they would be unbelievably grief stricken. So in a way its slightly comforting not having confirmation but the deadlock of not having an answer is also a nightmare.

    The other thing is I am still terrified when my groin reacts. You would thinkt he fear would wear off after 7 1/2 years but it hasnt. I freak out with terror.
     
  18. Eric Dave

    Eric Dave Guest

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    Oh I feel really anxious. I dont do it on purpose but if I see anything with a topless guy I get this intense feeling in my chest and groin and it scares me :frowning2:

    Chip could you answer my questions from a few posts up?
     
  19. Eric Dave

    Eric Dave Guest

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    Oh no :frowning2:

    http://emptyclosets.com/forum/anony...on/99764-type-orgasm-clue-your-sexuality.html

    I used to get really intense orgasms to straight fantsies as a teen and early 20's and now its only 'meh' and sometimes (maybe 30-40% of the time for gay fantasies ) I get a more intense orgasm although its not as good as the ones I used to get for girls as a teen.

    If this means Im gay I think I want to die :frowning2:

    I am so scared of being aroused to guys that I only hope that the intensity of orgasm is due to fear.

    I only started masturbating to thoughts of men age 25 onwards to test if I was gay and if that was the cause of my ED. Then I started getting these groinal responses to men and became terrified and so would masturbate about the guy to see if it was genuine arousal or an ocd induced sensation in my groin. :frowning2: (therapists have told me this is a compulsion but I dam dounting it)

    I am shitting it here :frowning2: