I grew up believing I was straight. Never had gay feelings and lusted after girls. I would get very horny and excited seeing girls boobs or whatever. I led a sheltered life and didnt socialise until my very late teens. But I would masturbate about girls a few times a day. The orgasms used to be mindblowingly enjoyable. I usually just fantasised about girls or female teachers I knew or pics of lingerie models. This was the mid 90-late 90's before I had internet. I knew about gay people but always found what they did gross and weird and not something I would like to think about. I thought it was icky. (no offence) When I was 18 I tried masturbating to thoughts about a guy I knew to try it out to see what it was like. I reacted the same as for girls but it satisfied my curiosity and never felt a need to do it again. I knew I liked girls and that was that really. I continued to masturbate about thoughts of girls. Then I got sick age 19 and my erections have never beeen the same. I have posted my story here before so I wont repeat myself but after years of erection probelms even during masturbation I questioned if I was gay. There was no attraction to guys before the thought occured to me. It was more questioning what was wrong down there and then coming to a possible gay diagnosis. Anyway my erections are still not quite right. When masturating to any gender my penis goes flaccid within 10 seconds when I stop rubbing myself. As a teen I couldnt keep it down! Anyway age 25 I came to a panic conclusion Im gay and my life has been miserable since. I dont want to be gay or ever do anything with a guy. I loved girls growing up and got very excited by them but it has diminished significantly. Even after my erection issues set in I would prematurely ejaculate when fooling around with girls and for my first few times having sex with girls I blew my load within 30 seconds of being inside her. However since the idea that being gay is the cause for my E.D. began I cant shake off the belief that im gay even though my erections are still not right even to thoughts of guys or gay porn etc.. I used these to test my reactions to see if I could induce an erection. What scares me though is that the orgasms can be stronger and more intense to thoughts of guys now. I dunno if this is because Im scared as I rub one out to men and the fear is making it feel more intense. I dont want to ever do this in real life though i.e. sex with guys. After my E.D. set in my orgasm intensity to girls slowly declined. It used to be unbelievably good. I remember getting so excited I'd blow my load seeing a girl strip on tv. Now when i se a girl on tv I feel little arousal. When I am with a girl in the bedroom in real life I still get aroused to seeing her naked. When I masturbate about girls I can ejaculate a large amount of fluid but the 'chemical brain release' factor seems to be missing now. That peak of ecstasy that I used to get for girls. I can admit that sometimes its there to thoughts of guys although very inconsistently and could be because I am scared of being aroused when masturbating about men. I do it to check if im gay if that makes sense. I have been diagnosed with ocd by Steven Phillipson and his colleague. I have also soughtan opinion from Jon Hershfield and posted on many ocd forums. Everyone tells me its ocd not a sexuality issue. While this makes me feel happy and reasured short term the doubts and anxiety are present everyday. I never seem to believe them that its an anxirty disorder and not just internalised homophobia. They say I have many compulsions and am obsessing about this non stop which is true. My behaviours are the following: Feel happy then something causes a burst of anxiety in me. Usually the sight of an attractive guy or gettting some feeling in my groin that co-incides with this event. My anxiety shoots up. I dont enjoy the feeling and assume it menas Im gay and I start to freak out a bit. To quell the anxiety I will post on ocd message boards what happened, or go test myself to the thoughts of that guy by masturbating about him to see if I get aroused or if I find it enjoyable. When doing it Im hoping I dont get aroused. Sometimes I get so anxious I have to go to a public bathroom to check. Once on an airplane I got anxiety and went twice to the toilet to masturbate to check my reactions to men. I feel a bit of relief when I dont get aroused. But then I think I was hoping it wouldnt work so then think that stopped the arousal so try again trying to enjoy it. If I get aroused or start to get erect I get anxiety and then freak out more. I have had checking binges whereby I will masturbate 8 times a day comparing my arousals and orgasms to gay v straight thoughts, or gay v straight porn etc.. All I know is this has been happening 7yrs now and anytime I feel aroused by anything remotely associated with gayness I become anxious. I dont enjoy it although can force myself to orgasm by stimulating myself although I have to power through my anxiety as I do this. When this happens I feel like I have raped myself and feel depresed after and end up online asking for reasurance or researching ocd or gayness. I just want my old self back. The one who loved chicks, got horny and excited by them. Not this limp dicked homosexual that i seem to have become. Its like all the things I couldnt wait to experiece in life has become a nightmare. I feel as if I am living in a nightmare. I do not enjoy even getting as much as a tingle down there when seeing a guy. It causes me anxiety even after 7 yrs. The anxiety isnt going away. I am not religious and dont think gayness is wrong. I think its natural but I dont want to do it. I want a girl!! I remember how they made me feel and now its gone People tell me the following are compulsions: -constantly asking for reassurance -checking my arousals to gay v straight thoughts repetitively everyday -confessing over and over to my parents that i'm gay numerous times a day in an effort to reduce the anxiety. I have done this for 7yrs now and they think I'm nuts. -researching gayness such as on here Arousal used to feel pleasant and exciting. Now its this horrible scary thing that fills me with terror. The thought of being in a relationship with a guy makes me depressed and anxious. I dont want to miss out on girls ( But I'm scared I will never experiece that lovely excitement and mind blowing orgasms from them again and this is making me panic.