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Help! I need to Courage to do what I need to do!

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by glittergirl8178, Apr 18, 2013.

  1. glittergirl8178

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    I am 34 year old married woman with four kids, and I'm gay. I think I have know it forever, but I have just gained the courage to admit it to myself. Here's the thing, I had an affair with a woman 2 years ago and left my husband for 2 days, then, I got really scared and he took me back. I have tried to make it work, but the fact is, I am not attracted to him. I want to be with a woman. (Maybe the same woman I had the affair with). But I feel sorry for him, he is a good man and leaving him just seems so unfair. Plus, I am worried about finances And, mostly, I am worried about my kids. I have three girls and a boy. My girls are from a previous marriage, so this will be the second divorce they will go through. My son is only 5, but I know he will miss his dad being in the house. Can I do this to them? But how can I live life as a lie? What should I do?! Help!
     
  2. Thewitt

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    At the end of the day you have to do what's best for you. Do you want your kids to grow up and watch their parents in a dead loveless marriage. Trust me they will notice. I would say prepare for the change that will come in your life. If finances are a worry try and find a extra source of income. As for your husband, think of it as let him go so he can find a women who can truly and thorough love him. You may love him but you do not want to be with him. I see it as giving yourself and him opportunities to find true happiness. For the kids, maybe its best to the older ones who can handle the truth and the younger just tell them that you still love their dad but it is best for you to separate and it will only more the pair of you will be happier and be able to love them even more.
     
  3. RainbowMan

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    As hard as it might be, I think that you have to do what you need to do. For you, that seems like yet another divorce, sadly. But this will be the last.

    It doesn't have to be all bad with the kids, there are several people on here who have come out as gay following a divorce.

    As to leaving him seeming so unfair, is it fair to you to live the rest of your life as a lie? Nope. In the end, I think that the only fair thing for you to do is to divorce your husband, come out to your kids (maybe a little later for the 5 year old, probably too much for the little guy to handle right now), and live your life as you need to, either with the woman that you had the affair with, or another one.
     
  4. Italy or Bust

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    The kids will probably follow your lead. If your husband and you are calm and loving about separating, they will be too. If the trauma turns to drama, they will pick up on it and have a harder time. If your husband and you unanimously agree that the best thing to do is to separate/divorce, then it makes sense for you two to work out how to present a united front for the children. Just my two cents.

    This forum has many similar stories that can really help you. I hope you read and post here. Welcome.
     
  5. moonwillow

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    The second divorce may be really hard on your older girls, and being away from his daddy might be hard on your son, but honestly what would be worse for them is seeing their mama unhappy day in and day out. You need to take care of you first so that you can take care of them. The same can be said for your husband. It will be better for him in the long run if you break things off now rather than both of you suffering through a marriage that won’t make either of you happy.

    I didn’t leave my ex because of my sexuality and being completely unattracted to him, but the basic principles are the same. My kids are better off now that their mommy isn’t stressed out and anxious 24/7. I am happier now that I am in the relationship I should have been in all along (fell in love with a woman right before getting married, now I’m with her).

    Living a life that isn’t right for you is downright awful and you deserve way better than that. I think the only person in our situation that thinks they aren’t better off is my ex but he’s just one big walking ball of issues (why I left him) and a total control freak. He lost his subject of control so he’s falling apart. I think so long as your husband’s head is in even a marginally better place than my ex’s he will realize that you leaving is better for him too.

    I’m here if you want to vent or ask questions, my divorce finalized back in September 2012 so a lot of the process is still really fresh in my mind if you want to pick my brain. I wish you the best of luck whatever you decide.
     
  6. Eliza

    Eliza Guest

    I'm a child of two divorces, and I have to say, divorcing is absolutely not the worst thing you can do to your kids. Both divorces were excellent decisions, and I think we were all relieved when they happened.

    My only complaint about the second divorce is that they should have done it sooner. They languished in a loveless marriage for ten years waiting for us all to grow up and leave the house, but I think we really would have been better off they hadn't.

    When you're a kid, you don't have a lot of control over your life, and you kind of accept that. Kids are resilient. They just want happy, loving parents, a safe place to sleep, and food on the table. I have fond memories of living in a single-parent household.

    The only things that made those divorces painful for me were: watching my parents fight, and being asked to choose sides. But you can choose to spare your kids from that.
     
    #6 Eliza, Apr 19, 2013
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 19, 2013
  7. LoveMusicPoetry

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    I also have a 5 year old son. I came out to my husband about 6 weeks ago and I have just instigated divorce preceedings. 'Although it's hard,we are trying to be grown up about it. Finance is difficult for me because I'm a student, but that is what benefits are for.I couldn't live a lie any longer, it was driving me either to suicide or the psychiatric hospital. Yes things are going to be difficult and pride and feelings will be hurt. the kids might take it hard to start with, but, as people have said, the in the long term, they will have a happier mum. I know from my own experience that for the last few years before I came out, I was so stressed and depressed that it was being transfered onto my son. You need to be the best mum you can be and you can't do that if you are living a lie.

    Good luck, I really hope you can find the inner courage to do the right thing, whatever that is. We are always here for you on EC and there are quite a few of us going through exactly the same thing. You are most definitely alone. All the best

    Vicki
     
  8. PeteNJ

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    So many of us here who have been/still are in relationships with people of the opposite gender -- and thinking we HAD to make it work -- either because of our vows, because, of the kids, because of family, church, etc.

    For most of us, it just isn't possible. Not because we don't/didn't love our partner. Rather because staying with them we are inauthentic, dishonest with ourselves, and not true to our own needs.

    That last part can be so hard to acknowledge. I struggled with that a long time. And I realized that may be the best lesson I can give my kids.

    In terms of changes in relationships -- my kids are with my former wife (not my girlfriend). My ex wife remarried, that husband died not long after. She's now with another man, and he is in what looks like the last stages of cancer. I'm sure this has had an impact on them. I don't think a "bad" impact -- maybe my kids are more open, more understanding, more empathetic. Easy? no. I've never felt jealous of my ex-wife's partners -- I've always felt that its good for kids to be as loved and as supported as possible. And with this change in your family -- put the kids first -- and they'll feel that.
     
  9. cerulean

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    I hate to say this, but I think the children deserve more consideration than your own feelings. I realize that it is incredibly difficult to life a life that you do not want and that does not reflect who you are. Unfortunately, many people do live such lives because they have others that they need to think about. Being a parent means putting your children's well-being above your own - at least to the extent that you are not in mortal danger.

    I would advise waiting until the children are older. If you absolutely feel that you cannot bear to be living life without a woman in it (romantically/sexually), consider approaching your husband with the truth. It might not need to lead to divorce. Alternately, you could feel him out for a threesome and find some suitable outlet in that until later in life.

    At the end of the day, this situation is not fair to anybody. It's not fair to you (especially since you did not choose to be/feel this way), it's not fair to your husband (he has already decided to be there for you despite a past indiscretion), and it's certainly not fair to your kids (who are just unlucky enough to be facing a second divorce). But if you want to do "the right thing" (or, to be more accurate here, the "better" thing), I would consider the casualties of any given possible course of action. Is it really worth it to devastate your husband and cause your children so much grief and emotional pain, just so you can try and avoid your own emotional pain?

    I'm not trying to sound dismissive of your problems, only highlight the extent to which any decision should fully account for all known factors. Maybe you will be able to find your children important enough to save this ordeal for another time in life. If not, I do wish you all the best of luck and strength in dealing with the outcome. :icon_sad:

    ---------- Post added 21st Apr 2013 at 03:02 PM ----------

    Just as a general follow-up to some other comments on here: I find it difficult to accept responses that argue that it's more important to be fair to oneself than to another person. What makes me more important than everybody else? Should I not also be fair to the loved ones in my life, and to the people I have made promises to? Since the OP identifies as bisexual, I don't even know if one could argue that staying in the marriage would be being untrue to herself. This is just my two cents, since I think the world would be a better place if we stopped to think about others first (the way the OP does) rather than attempting to justify our actions based on how they affect first and foremost ourselves (and/or only ourselves).
     
  10. allnewtome

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    These situations are tough all around but are we ever thinking of other people by hiding parts of ourselves? Are we being the best spouse possible by surpressing our feelings? And is it really fair to our spouse to go on while not being genuine to ourselves or to them about who we really are? Could that no be more cruel to them by not allowing them to find someone who can give them 100% of themselves that we can't?

    Our happiness affects those around us whether we want it to or not, especially children and whether we believe it or not they will pick up on it.

    The bolded part is pretty offensive-the best thing we can do for our children is to be the best we possibly can to ourselves.
     
  11. Rose27

    Rose27 Guest

    "These situations are tough all around but are we ever thinking of other people by hiding parts of ourselves? Are we being the best spouse possible by surpressing our feelings? And is it really fair to our spouse to go on while not being genuine to ourselves or to them about who we really are? Could that no be more cruel to them by not allowing them to find someone who can give them 100% of themselves that we can't? "-Allnewtome
    So true. I just can't say the "D" word.
     
  12. Ohana

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    What allnewtome said!

    I did a lot of reading on a board for straight spouses and a couple of books on the topic. It was important to me to try and understand things from my husband's perspective. Over and over again, people expressed that despite the pain, despite divorce (in most cases), that they were glad they had been told the truth. And regarding kids...it's not easy and I wrestled, we all did/do with the very question of what makes my happiness more important than theirs. But, look at that question, look at what it ASSUMES. Being the child of divorced parents does not automatically make for a miserable, unhappy childhood or life. Nothing is that black and white.

    Furthermore, I would argue that you have every right in the world to make yourself happy. And not just the right, but the responsibility. To each his own philosophy on parenthood, but I don't think my responsibility as a parent is to make my kids happy. My responsibility is to provide first for their basic needs, then second to give them the tools, love, encouragement and EXAMPLE as to how to make themselves happy.

    We are and can be responsible only for our own happiness.

    That doesn't mean you do so at the cost of morality.

    The golden rule is love your neighbor as you love yourself. Not love your neighbor more than yourself. Not love your neighbor instead of yourself.

    I mentioned this in another thread, but it was so powerful for me that I'll put it out there again in hopes it might help someone else. When I was struggling with this very thing, my therapist asked me what I would say to my daughter if she was in my position. I would tell her without hesitation to do what makes her happy. So, treat yourself, think of yourself, with the same love and compassion you would for your own children, for your friends, etc.
     
    #12 Ohana, Apr 21, 2013
    Last edited: Apr 21, 2013