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Help for my sweet son

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by Kayley, Jul 31, 2016.

  1. Kayley

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    Hi, I'm here because in short, I don't want to screw up. My teenage son has been looking at gay porn, and while at 14 I have concerns about what he is viewing, it's from the standpoint of porn, not that he is watching men. I could never love my child one ounce less, not over gender or sexuality, not over anything that might pertain to his identifying as gay, bi, straight.

    I just love all my kids. Always.

    It's tricky though, because we are a Brady Bunch blended family. His, mine, ours. My amazing husband and I have been together over a decade, and the child in question was from his first short marriage. I'm not the biological mama, but I've been in this child's life since he was toddling, before he knew his ABCs, and he calls me mom of his own accord. He is loved as much as if I'd given birth to him, and I'd die to protect him, no questions asked. He lives with us most of the week.

    Yesterday my spouse got a voice mail message from his ex wife (child's bio mom) and she was kinda bonkers, very upset, told my spouse that this child was in huge trouble and it was an emergency. We of course were afraid he'd been in an accident. Turns out she and her husband (stepfather to wonderful son) caught wonderful son with male/male porn. And they freaked. They really freaked. They basically think he's some deviant and is awful. She said this wasn't the first time they'd caught him and so clearly he "can't stop" looking at nude men. Her husband (sons stepfather) feels uncomfortable with son around. :frowning2:

    First off...my heart breaks because this son at fourteen is so shy and introverted. He's tender, and loves books and is an amazing student. He is helpful, kind to his brothers and sister and helps around the house with no fuss. He didn't deserve to be lambasted in front of his stepdad over such a personal thing. No one deserves that. I feel a person's intimate feelings are sacred, and not to be flounced about heartlessly. He isn't a danger, omg, especially to a stepfather twice his size. Ugh.

    So I'm trying to make sure he is first off, as ok as I can help him to be. I know he is utterly mortified.

    My spouse spoke to sweet son in the car just now. Son is shut down and quiet. I hate this... I hate when any of these amazing kids we have hurt. I have always wanted to be a mom, and I got that wish. I love being a stay at home mom for our big tribe of wonderful and loving kids. I so so wish we, not his bio mom and stepfather had found the porn. I'd have gently approached it so he'd feel safe, like he could speak about it and it would be in a safe place, where questions about sex and puberty were not ridiculed.

    Alas.

    So I'm really hoping someone here can help me to help my baby. He's fourteen and he means the world to us. What can we do to help him? I don't know if he is bi or gay or curious. Doesn't matter really, in the sense we love him no matter what. I just want him safe and secure in who he really is. All I ever want for my five beautiful babies is happiness. I went through my first marriage and it was really hard, abusive and controlling. I know what it is to feel diminished and inadequate. I would hate for my kids to feel that...and right now I really think he IS feeling that and worse.

    So any advice, stories...heck anything at this point that can guide me as a mama. In my heart I think this son may well be homosexual, but I don't have the right to label anyone, and am just looking for the ways I can ease the burden of the tough journey being a teenager is.

    My spouse feels the same. We just want all our kids to not worry one minute about our total and complete love for our family. And while I'd never ever say it aloud, I sorta wanna kick his bio mom, how could anyone use such a thing to humiliate a young man? It's so cruel.
     
  2. logansarah

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    Wow you seem like such a good mom. If I was in his position I would want whoever I'm more comfortable sharing stuff with, (either you or your spouse) to sit down and tell me all that stuff you just wrote down. While he might be embarrassed when you do this, it will likely help afterwards in letting him know that you care. I would tell him that stuff that you just wrote about it being perfectly fine and natural to like men, though maybe let him know to try and be more careful about watching porn where people can walk in. Let him know that you support him and will care for him no matter who he's attractive to or likes. I would tell him to just be himself. This is the advice that I can give from being a 17 year who likes a the same gender. I hope this helps.
     
  3. awesomeyodais

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    Kinda short form, might be back for more but
    1- He's lucky to have a (step) mom as understanding and caring, thank you
    2- Keep posting or venting here, but don't do like a few parents do and give out a ton of precise details (first names etc..., so far you're doing fine) and the reason I'm saying this is #3 :wink:
    3- When the time is appropriate, and sooner than later let him know about this site (he may already know btw)

    And yes, it's important from a "shame" point of view to break the link between porn and gay (i.e. some people will have issue regardless of the type of porn), and also have that talk about "balanced" or "respectful" relationships, because a lot of porn stuff involves domination and humiliation (really not helpful with situations of internalised self-homophobia), and he should learn NOW that's it's not necessary or even recommended to go to those extremes

    4- as logansarah suggested, have the talk about a place for everything, and why doors can be closed/locked lol
    5- tough for some parents but acknowledging that a lot of this is going to be unfamiliar/new for you and even possibly awkward but that it's ok and you'll get through it together cause you love your kid
     
  4. Stewie

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    Don't think I could have said it better, your a strong and loving mom, the only other thing I would add is after you have a talk with your son, also go have a talk with his other mom and stepdad, hopefully they can understand and accept him as you and his father do. (&&&)
     
  5. AmyBee

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    He sounds like a great person and that's probably no small part due to your support and love!
     
  6. DaniC

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    This is me kind of looking back to his age and how my mom reacted negatively to what she discovered about me. It wasn't identical but I feel there are certain parallels.

    I would equate my mom's reaction more to how his biological mom and stepfather reacted. What I can say is that the best thing you can do is what you are already doing. You are here asking. That means you are other places learning too and being supportive.

    It's great that you are going to be able to continue providing him with a loving and supportive environment. That's very important. Imagine all the stresses a teenager has with studies and dating and then throw on top of that him worrying about this and maybe being bullied and things like that.

    I have two thoughts that are maybe concerns. If the porn bothers you, you might speak to him about it. I mean it's not unusual for any 14 year old of any orientation to look at the porn of their preference. But having a discussion with him kind of letting him know that it has nothing to do with whether or not he likes boys or men and that you are completely supportive of that, but being honest with him about how you feel about any porn in the house. But do some real inward looking towards yourself and decide how you really feel about porn in the house first. Aside from transgender stuff, I had a bag of Playboys and what not in my room at that age, so again, some sort of porn is normal for kids that age as much as a parent might rather not think about it.

    My real concern is his interaction with his biological mom and her husband going forward. It definitely sounds like they aren't going to be as supportive as you. Maybe she'll come around but he (the husband) sounds a little homophobic. I can't judge that solely from your account obviously. I'd definitely suggest some strong talks with your husband to make sure the two of you are unified in where you stand and then maybe think about discussing it with the other two parents for your son's sake. It would just be terrible for him to have to go over to their house, even if it's just weekends, and be treated miserably.

    I would consider seeing if he would like to speak to a counselor or therapist. In that process, find one that is experienced in LGBT youth and will be supportive. Obviously he doesn't need to be "fixed," there's nothing wrong with him, but you already know that. Making sure the other parents know that might be important.

    If there is a local LGBT support center with youth programs, I would reach out to them. I don't know if there are or are not. It would be great if you could find a way for him to connect with other kids his age somewhere like that.

    (duplicated post removed by mod.)
     
  7. Kayley

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    Thank you all for your wisdom, kind words, and support. It's the middle of the night and I'm unable to sleep, my mind is on overdrive.

    To each of you, my gratitude, you've shared your experiences and your time with me, and for the sake of a sweet guy who is a stranger. I'm hopeful that I can do such a kind thing for others, as you have all done for my little family in a time of stress.

    Where to begin? I have no issue with porn in the sense that it bothers me. I know much of it can be extreme or really unrealistic. I'd like to have my kids know as they become aware of sex that porn can do a pretty bad job representing relationships with another person. I have no idea exactly what he was seen watching at his bio moms house, and I have a strong feeling her idea of 'deviant' and mine are poles apart, anyhow.

    Tonight we just focused on being a family. I think he needed time with his siblings and dad and I just hanging out. A big meal. Video games. We kept the talk brief and easy, and have in no way shared any of his worries with the other family members. He's been through enough as it is, and while dessert and I love yous cannot mend all wounds, I really didn't want to harp on and question him beyond the bare bones.

    He's accepted, loved, wanted, and super just as he is. We want him safe, we want him to honor and respect those he comes in contact with. We want him to grow and learn to be a person who is thoughtful, kind, and loving. None of that requires he be heterosexual. So that's our half. His mom and stepfather are, well, rigid? I know when my spouse spoke to her she was adamant that their son was wrong/bad/creepy. She wants help for him and seems to think help is about making it so he isn't creating ripples in her smooth pond. I think we felt like she wanted him to see someone for his troubles...not to see someone to help him navigate his path, if that makes sense?

    Of course I have to be the first to say im angry and I'm not likely giving her leeway or even a fair chance here. It's a knee jerk response on my part, and I am going to have to get past that. I know we need to work on this with her and stepfather. It's just hard when I feel like my kid is being ridiculed. I feel protective.

    If I had an inkling his best interests were on her mind, I think this wouldn't be so painful to watch. As it is her words have made me wince, cringe, and cuss. It's just like please stop you are making this worse.

    Her husband is a good old boy, church going fellow, very conservative and I'm confident that he doesn't view ones sexuality as anything but a decision. Like if he glares at the child long enough, son is going to go shucks, I'll behave and be asexual til marriage...to a female...and only have sex to procreate. With the lights off.

    (And I wish I was joking there, but I really do see that sort of thinking in the two of them. It's like son is not a separate human being but something to be seen and not heard and certainly not allowed to cause a sinful ruckus.)

    We are going to find a counselor for son. I shudder to think on what mom thinks is a good match in that regard. I am not sending son off to be preached at or shamed. Screw that. No way. Husband and I agree on that 100%. Son has a lot to handle. We aren't going to make it harder. I'm so selfish because I know he needs his mom's love and support but there is this voice in me hoping she just moves to the other side of the universe if she cannot be kind and loving. I've never had any jealousy or insecure feelings regarding her place as his biological mom. It's not that. I just am tense and nervous over the damage she has done and can continue to inflict.

    I want all my babies safe, and it's so hard to see her flailing and claiming she's the long suffering party here. He's a kid, a teen, it's hard already when you don't have the extra hurdles of sexuality and identity to maneuver through. I really don't think she sees him as him, just as a reflection of her own ideas, and he isn't being a brag worthy son to her and she is angry. She thinks he's a real problem and this has to be handled now, even flat out said our other kids that are boys might be in danger with him around. The female contingent would she felt, be safe. That's her take on it to my husband. Creepy and dangerous.

    And she wonders why he calls our house home...

    I do like the idea of finding a teen group for him. I love the idea of finding a savvy and smart therapy option that helps him be the best him he can be. I never thought I'd be where we are, watching one half of his parents implode over something so important as his self view and identity. I understand how much a parents acceptance can mean. I thought his bio mom did, too.

    I feel selfish for feeling stunned and knocked back by how we found out. I feel weak for not having a solution handy. I feel scared. I feel love for this child, but ache for the turmoil. I hate that I can't fix it all and I hate even more that I am getting bogged down in thoughts of me when I want to be able to devote my energy to being a better mom tomorrow that I was today.

    And I can't seem to forget that when bio mom told us, she seemed so smug. So catty. Her words just lacking in any sort of love or concern for her child. Husband and I both noted it, and it's hard to stomach her word choices and decisions regarding this. I'm trying hard to let go of that. It's been half a day. It feels way longer.

    Husband and I told son we love him. His bio mom told him she told us, she didn't give him a choice in how that happened. We are trying to give him choices here. He knows my response to bio mom was 'teens watch porn, it's normal'. He knows I feel this was handled insensitively. He knows he can come to his dad or I and we spoke about a cool counselor that would be easy to talk to and we do not see gay/bi people as anything less than people.

    I'm rambling...late night worried mama musings apparently run away with themselves?

    Just please let me not drop the ball, here. Just let me say and do the things that can make this all as good as it can be. I don't want my kids, any of them, carrying war wounds into their future if I can help it.
     
  8. Stewie

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    As I said before your an amazing mom and your children(all of them) are lucky to have someone so loving and understanding in there lives. (&&&)

    A councelor or therapist is a really good idea in this case, but make sure he understands or at least wants to try to talk to someone about, whatever this is. Get him involved in choosing who he talks to as well, rather then just sending him somewhere, make sure he is going to be comfortable with it.

    ---------- Post added 1st Aug 2016 at 08:36 AM ----------

    As another thought, can't remember if this was mentioned before, but send him here. It's completely anonymous, he doesn't know your on here(granted if he sees your post, he might figure it out) but he doesn't have to let us know who he is(in relation to you).
    We're all a pretty good bunch (&&&)
     
  9. Anthemic

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    First of all, let me just say that everyone (including myself) reading your post is wishing you were our mom right now, LOL! My mom is nothing like you. She is disgusted by homosexuality and it upsets me that I will never be able to be myself completely around her. Right now, your son is at an age where he is embarrassed and doesn't want to admit that he is having these feelings. Once he grows up a bit, he will learn to accept these feelings, especially with you being so loving and understanding. Right now, I'm kinda envious of your son because he has you as a mother. I would love for my mom to accept me for who I am and what I'm attracted to. Adopt me? LOL!

    As for what you need to do, just be exactly like you are. You are already doing a great job by just not judging him and being gentle with him. Right now, he is feeling mortified and invaded. He is feeling outcasted and disgusting because of how his bio-mom is making him feel. She's a witch for that. I bet he wishes you were his only mom at this point. I know I'd feel that way if I were him. He definitely will feel safer around you. And I'm willing to bet he will prefer to live with you all if his other parents keep up this crap of being cruel to him. Right now, just be gentle with him and tell him that you understand and accept him for who he is. Tell him that you don't care about what he did and that it is perfectly normal to research those kind of things. Tell him that his other parents don't understand much about homosexuality and that eventually, they may come around. Tell him that they love him, but they just don't know how to show it right now because they are confused. Be there for him as much as you can. Let him know that you are always here to listen, no matter what.

    You are a precious person for being so sweet and loving. God bless you!
     
    #9 Anthemic, Aug 1, 2016
    Last edited: Aug 1, 2016
  10. Kayley

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    Thank you Stewie and Anthemic (and I'll totally adopt you, you are insightful warm generous and wise, I'd love to see my kids turn out so self aware and caring. You seem like such a great person. I'm so sorry your mom isn't at a place where you can be the whole real you around her. It would slay me if I created that atmosphere for a family member or friend.) I offer you hugs galore. You seem very brave and the type of adult I'd be very proud to know.

    I am following my gut and the wisdom offered here, gentle and calm and collected are my go to's right now. He's had enough tension. And besides stressing someone out just never helps. He would wither under the stern lecturing and glares of annoyance of a judgmental parent (or grandparent/aunt/uncle/etc). I'm a believer that the world can be a hard place, ones home should be about sanctuary and community, not anger and frustration or sadness.

    I do think the idea of letting the therapist be someone he chooses (we are working on a list of possible candidates) is important. He isn't a baby and it doesn't work if I say go to this person and they clash or fail to connect. I'd be pretty upset if someone told me I had to see this particular person, and gave me zero say so in the choice. I have to establish boundaries in so many areas (drinking and driving, curfews, chores, etc) that I really try, or I should say hubby and I try hard to allow the kids age appropriate freedom when and where we can.

    Today one of my other boys is baking a big cake (two of my kids love to cook) and we are completely gonna just devour that cake for the heck of it. And much movies and television and gaming. Because:fun!

    Fun has to remain. Love and deep talks seem to happen with my kids when we are being silly and eating half a cake or walking in the woods or watching mindless TV. I think they are more inclined to open up if it's informal and not intense. We are doing an activity and they'll just sorta float out feelers on a topic and wait to see how I react. Sometimes it's hard not to double take but I'm sure trying to stay easy and chill so that they learn dropping a large topic on me isn't gonna result in hysterics and lashing out.

    Son has kept kinda close to me, hovering around in my orbit and I am determined to be the same mom as he always gets. He knows I have said we are cool but words don't always have the weight of action to this particular child. He's an observer. A quiet but very aware young man. He has a good BS meter. I know that deep down be may well be waiting for me to not do as I say, and so I'm going to be extra mindful to reinforce the love we have for him and siblings, a love stronger than I could ever put into words. If he were to feel ostracized by me? I think I'd be heartbroken.

    I don't blame him if he is in total 'turtle' mode. I would be after the last twenty four hours if I were in his shoes! So yeah. No rush. Just constant confirmation of hey, you are part of our pack. Always. No worries.

    When we do chip down to the subject (when he is ready) I would like him to find an online support setting. He is shy and I feel like online might feel less in his face initially. I've spent time here last night and today, just reading. Absorbing. Trying to learn. We all have challenges but this challenge isn't mine and I can no more claim to know it than I can claim to have deep understanding of what it is to be Hispanic, or gifted academically. It's not my dialogue, it's not my story. So I'm going to keep reading. Keep learning here. It'll never be my story to tell but that's no excuse is it, to not hear the story in its fullness.

    He's a trailblazer, I'm the camp cook? He's the pioneer. I'm support staff. I just don't want to make errors that cost him self esteem. And maybe it's silly but I've made sure to touch his arm, give a quick hug that's a little extra tight, call him darling or sweetie, because I know when I hurt being touched in a kind way is a reminder that I'm not a pariah. Of course I'm not a teenager boy but so far he has not pulled away or rolled his eyes so that's something! :slight_smile:

    As far as explaining his other parents are confused? That's actually pretty sensational. It turns some of that rejection as coming from ignorance and not from malice. Thank you so much for that wonderful wording. It feels far far less toxic. It feels like the issue isn't hatred of who he is or what he's done, but more like a lack of education/understanding. It provides a bit of breathing room from the weight of the scorn he faced, doesn't it?
     
  11. Willa

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    YOU ARE A SUPER-MOM!!! Seriously! You are amazing! Your son is so lucky to have you!

    But on to the nitty gritty.

    Honestly, it's pretty normal for fourteen year olds to watch porn. That's relatively healthy, as long as it's not compulsive. The important thing for someone young and sexually confused to understand is that the kind of gay they see in porn is not what being gay is really like. It's a dramatization. I would definitely talk to him at some point about being able to recognize that what he sees when he watches gay porn is not realistic, nor is it the ideal, that what he wants is a loving relationship with meaningful consensual intimacy. You know, someday. In the meantime, it's okay for him to explore, get to know his own body, and figure himself out.

    Speaking of consent, it's a good time to have that conversation, too. In a lot of gay pornography, the lines that divide consensual sex and rape are blurred, and coercion is romanticized. Your son, as he gets older, needs to know that No Means No, that he owns his own body, and anything less than an enthusiastic "yes" should be an assumed "no." And I know it seems silly, but he also needs to understand that there is no such thing as convincing or "turning" a straight person gay, just like you can't force a gay person to be straight. In gay porn, there's a common narrative that says "Oh, I'm a straight man, but now I'm drunk/confused/lonely and you've convinced me to have gay sex." He's gotta know that's not real or okay.

    I have a bonding thing for the two of you. Find a really funny gay comedian you both like and watch them together. That'll give you both a more down-to-earth image of what it's like to be a Real Life Normal Gay Person.
     
  12. Kayley

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    Lol I'm no super mom but I have super kids so I'm working to be the best me I can for my babies. But thank you for the vote of confidence. I'm learning as I go, and trying to not mess up too often lol.

    The gay comedian idea is great! I'm now going wow why didn't I think of that?! He really loves stuff in the political humor/satire realm. So yeah I totally think he'd be happy to crash on the couch with some popcorn and a comedian. Thanks! I'm going to absolutely do this with all the older kids. Laughter is good for us all.
     
  13. faustian1

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    So how does a mom convey to a shy, respectful kid that it's OK and normal to think of sex and guys and so on? Once a long time ago, I was that shy kid, and I had secrets just like his. And I know the absolute last person in the world I'd want to know about my interests would be my mom. So how do you build that bridge?

    As far as porn goes, 9th grade boys have been looking at that in one form or another for longer than anyone on this site has been alive. Today we have the internet, but it's only slightly better than our imaginations most of the time. Of course, that porn that forms the most profitable media websites anywhere, and that accounts for an enormous share of internet traffic, well almost no one admits to watching it. Except to other 9th grade boys, and so long as it's straight porn only. Some things seem never to change, do they? 9th grade boys think more about sex than most adults ever do, and even with all that thought they have very poor depth of knowledge and information.

    You're literally going to have to sell him on the idea that he doesn't need to be ashamed of himself before you. So why not start by having that talk with him about being gay? Tell him how you feel about it. But especially, ask him how he feels about it. Give him time to tell you. Find him some appropriate gay service groups for kids, if you have them in your community. Encourage him to make gay friends. Tell him you want him to fully accept himself, because a lot of us don't readily do that, and this leads to all kinds of self-destructive things like drug abuse.

    Tell him you understand his sexual urges, and that they are normal. However, in the gay community relationships and friendships often come last, and even though he is horny all the time like anyone his age, encourage him to make some friends that don't have that component. Friends can teach him some things that will help him deal with things he doesn't know much about.

    You'll do best if you facilitate and accept, because the advice he will listen to most will usually come from those friends he so desperately needs to make. You remember how this works, because you were young once.

    Now, like everyone else I have to say, you're one hell of a mom. Some people here would kill to take your son's place. My own mother believed in me no matter what. I know what it's like to have that one person who doesn't give up on you. My mother is dead now. Her birthday was a few days ago. Let me assure you that, when you do this job right, that kid won't ever forget you.
     
    #13 faustian1, Aug 1, 2016
    Last edited: Aug 1, 2016
  14. Willa

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    Just checking in on this thread. Sometimes it surprises me how invested I get!

    I hope you and your son are talking and opening up to each other. Why not direct him to this website? It could be great for him.
     
  15. Andrew99

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    All I have to say is, you are such a great mom!
     
  16. Chip

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    Lots of really great advice here already. I may duplicate some of what's been said but hopefully will include a few things that haven't already been said :slight_smile: And I echo everyone else's comments that you are an awesome parent and many, many kids would love to have someone as caring and concerned as you are.

    Because of the issue with his mother and stepfather, I think it's going to be necessary to have a pretty uncomfortable conversation with him and directly address the elephant in the room (his [likely] sexuality and his other family's resistance to it.) I think it is unlikely he's really "questioning" at this point; he probably knows, but may not have fully accepted it yet. There are stages that all of us (parents, friends, as well as the affected person) go through in processing loss... in this case, loss of perception as straight. The stages are denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. They aren't always sequential, one can go back and forth, and people can take anywhere from minutes to months or longer to go through them. Understanding this can really help in interpreting behaviors and attitudes.

    As far as the conversation with him... Just the idea of discussing anything having to do with porn, sex, sexual attraction, or masturbation is generally pretty mortifying to a 14 year old (and equally mortifying for many parents) but it's important to push past these issues to have this discussion.

    So once you're in the conversation, first and foremost is to make it crystal clear to your son that being attracted to guys is normal, natural, and nothing to ashamed, embarrassed, or uncomfortable about. This, in turn, will involve explaining that some people (unfortunately, in this case, his mother) have outdated and misguided, but completely false beliefs and judgments about same-sex attraction, but he need not heed any such misguided information.

    The problem here is, of course, the potential of starting World War III with his other family by, in essence, challenging his mom's parenting values and beliefs. But I don't think there's any other way around this, and your son's self-esteem is ultimately what matters here. You may be able to frame it that some people simply don't have the knowledge and information, and so they speak from a place of lack of understanding that doesn't mean they're wrong, just misinformed... but that he may have to simply "go with" their ignorant beliefs for a while until they can come around to it.

    As long as he is clear that anything negative he hears from them regarding same-sex attraction is simply wrong and based on misinformation, and as long as that message is subtly reinforced by you and his father, there shouldn't be any long-term impact to his self-esteem.

    If it is possible to have a meaningful sit-down with his mother and stepfather (without him present) that may be advisable. You could print out some materials from PFLAG to give to them to read, and focus on the importance of acceptance. They are likely in between denial and anger in the 5 stages, and the key will be to make it clear that this needs to not be conveyed to him. (This, of course, assumes you're dealing with rational, reasonable people, which may not be the case.)

    Finding a therapist for him is also going to be really important... but finding one that's actually competent, and will make a good connection with him, isn't easy. Hopefully you and your husband, and not his mother, will be able to help choose the therapist. It's an excellent idea to let him choose. I'd make it clear to him that if he doesn't like the first one after giving it a try, that you can try another one. I hear an awful lot of horror stories about teens forced into therapy and the therapist being absolutely inept at reaching the teen where s/he is at, so it's really just finding a good match. It will be important in this case to find a therapist fluent in LGBT issues who is experienced with adolescents, and you may want to call and have a short consult (perhaps with both of you on the phone?) with several before choosing one.

    Finally, you might point him here. EC is a great resource for kids coming out, and is probably one of the safest places on the 'net for gay teens. We also have a team of volunteer advisors that he can speak with one-on-one. They aren't trained counselors or therapists, but have been through many of the issues your son may be experiencing and so can help simply by being a sounding board.

    I hope also that you'll stick around, as one of the best resources EC has is the contribution of parents just like you who are going through this process. :slight_smile:
     
  17. RainbowsFactory

    Regular Member

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    Firstly, you sound like a wonderful mother! Even if you are not his biological mom, you truly sound like you love him to bits and I am sure that he does too. So now about your problem: I think that first of all, his biological mother and her husband should NEVER treat him differently because of his sexual orientation. I am sure that you understood that because you are smart and an amazing mother and I can understand you why you want to kick his bio mom in the butt.

    Anyway, at his age, watching porn is I guess expectable. I mean, come on, with the internet and his curiosity due to raging hormones, he watches porn. There is in my opinion nothing wrong with that! :slight_smile: As long as he does not get addicted to it. To be completely honest with you, I am 16 and I watch gay porn but it has not changed me as a person at all. Now he might be gay, bi, straight etc. and I am glad that you do not want to put a label on him. He is probably still figuring his orientation out and this can take a lot or little time, it all depends on the person.

    I think that you should have a conversation with him about this issue, because he must be, like you said; mortified from what others might think. (It will come as a huge relief that he knows that one of his moms supports and loves him, no matter what.)

    And about the homophobic biological mom and her husband, talk to them about it and tell them that if they do not stop this ridiculous hate, you will have to bring your son home with you where he is safe and feels loved.

    You sound like a marvelous mother! Thank you for being so kind and supportive, your son really needs this. :slight_smile:
     
  18. guitar

    Full Member

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    At 14, the vast majority of kids are trying to figure out what their sexuality is. Everyone goes through a sexual discovery. I did. You did. Your son is.

    I applaud you for being such a loving, devoted and accepting mother.

    If you have questions or would like to talk more, feel free to write me on my wall. I have a lot more to say but I'm typing this slowly on my phone well after midnight and I'm falling asleep.
     
  19. RavenTheRat

    Regular Member

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    You ROCK mom! Trust me, a lot of us only wish we had moms like you.

    You sound like a wonderful person. And honestly even if you're worried about doing the 'wrong' thing for your son, you're really doing the right thing by supporting him, and going above and beyond by coming here :slight_smile:

    I remember reading something about how reacting with disgust to finding out one's child is watching porn is literally the worst way to react. It makes them feel dirty and mortified, which are two absolutley awful things if you ask me. The way his biological mum reacted was definitley the wrong way. So it's your job to be the understanding mom :slight_smile:

    In terms of "is watching porn bad", well, technically no. In large quantities, yes, it is. It can be addicting and it decreases brain activity- however occasionally watching it out of curiosity or while exploring sexuality is pretty harmless in my opinion.


    My advice would be to tell your son that he HASN'T done anything wrong (because he probably feels like he has) and explain why he needs to be careful about watching pornography and advise him that porn is not realistic.

    But again, you're an awesome mom!
     
  20. lnamae

    lnamae Guest

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    You are a wonderful mum, honestly.

    All those things you said you wrote here, you could tell him. My mum reacted the same when she first suspected as his bio-mum, and (while I love my mum and things are okay now) she still hasn't apologised and I feel tension with it and at the time, I hated myself and probably felt like how your son is feeling now.

    Most importantly, let him know that you accept him, love him, that it doesn't change anything, that you'll support him. Let him know that the way his bio-mum reacted wasn't okay, that some people have outdated ideas. That he can be completely, 100% comfortable in your house and can bring home a girlfriend or boyfriend when he starts dating.

    Do your best following your instincts and ensuring that he's okay.

    Not sure what you can do about the bio-mum. He might even just have to keep this part of him hidden from her if she's too unreasonable to deal with it. For now.

    He's lucky to have a mum like you. I mean, really.
     
    #20 lnamae, Aug 10, 2016
    Last edited: Aug 10, 2016