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Help answering a awkward question

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by Guff, Nov 11, 2016.

  1. Guff

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    I'll make an effort to keep this post as small as possible.
    So I've fairly recently come out to my parents. My dad took it decent and is trying to be supportive well my mom... Isn't LOL

    So today my dad and I went out for a drive to pick up some pizza, he asked me a few questions like how old was I when I realized, do I plan on moving from our homophobic state, what do I think of trump, you're not gonna dress up like a girl right, do you know what AIDS is, and so on with somewhat stupid questions LOL
    Okay so than he asked, how do I know I'm gay.
    I said because I like boys, And not girls. He than said but HOW like HOW do I know. He said about how I've never had a boyfriend or girlfriend. I was having trouble answering because he's my straight dad. What was I gonna say? I think guys are sexy? LOL
    So finally I awkwardly said I've never crushed on a girl... He than asked about why that means I like guys. I said some guys look nice. He than said maybe you think some dudes look nice, but how do you know you like them. And how do you know you don't like girls. You've never had one. I awkwardly just said I'm sure you knew you liked girls before your first girlfriend... It was a miserable conversation. I've very recently told anyone I'm gay in real life for the 1st time ever and I'm barely comfortable with him addressing the fact I'm gay let alone asking me to tell him "how I know".
    He implied he's going to ask me again sometime, probably with my mother. (Who I'm 100x more awkward around, and is way more homophobic)

    I simply don't know what answer to give to the question
    "How do you know you're gay" when the people asking will only settle for definitive answers. I mean I know I'm gay. LOL Trust me I'm sure about that, but how do I say this to my parents? Anyone else have to go through something like this? What did you say?
     
  2. Olle

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    Ask him, "How did you know you were straight before you actually had sex? How do you know you don't like men if you've never had one?"

    Basically any question he asks you, reverse it and ask him instead.
     
  3. killswitch0029

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    I agree with this statement. Playing the devil's advocate, like asking him how he doesn't know if he likes men or not, shows him how such questions aren't necessarily so simple to answer.
     
  4. Guff

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    I did attempt to point out to him that he knew he liked girls before he ever had 1, but that wasn't enough.

    Apparently to be straight all you gotta do is say so but if you wanna be gay you gotta reinforce it with some sorta evidence. Logic
     
  5. Olle

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    Another tactic would be to make the conversation as awkward as you can possibly make it, like going into excruciating detail about how you would like to sleep with men but can't imagine doing that with a woman or something like that. Probably not a tactic you're comfortable with taking, but it would likely shut him up quickly.

    Does seem like it would be difficult actually getting through to him with regular routes. I'll try to think of better ideas but not sure if I can. Hope it works out ok :frowning2:
     
  6. falconfalcon

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    i like the give it to him if he wont back off approach.

    perhaps "because guys give me a boner and girls dont, and I can't even stand to look at a girls genitals"


    or some such - sorry about this. They are just trying to deny the situation... easy does it

    ---------- Post added 11th Nov 2016 at 10:57 PM ----------

    yeah i remember now, my mom did that

    "how do you know your gay"

    my response

    "WELL HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU'RE STRAIGHT???"

    ---------- Post added 11th Nov 2016 at 10:58 PM ----------

    oh... by the way. i'm still suspicious my mom might like girls and is somewhat bisexual...


    if either of your parents is at all bisexual

    they might think that "gay" is just a "preference" and everyone likes both

    so................ you might be arguing with someone who thinks this way


    BEWARE discussing homosexuality with closeted bisexuals _IT GETS CREEPY!_
     
  7. killswitch0029

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    Maybe tell him when you started to question and what made you confirm it? That might be a little too personal given how awkward the talks are for you, but it could be you're coming out just hasn't clicked just yet with him. I'm sure once it's all settled in and he's had enough time process it all he'll lay off the questions, it's just his way right now of making sense of everything.
     
  8. Olle

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    lol I just remembered my mom did a similar thing, except instead of asking me how I knew I wasn't straight, it more like, "Are you sure you're not a lesbian?"

    To be fair when my brother came out, he did initially say he was bisexual instead of gay so she might have thought the same thing was happening. But luckily she was easy. Pretty much just had to say that I was sure and that was that. If only everyone was that easy where people could affirm that they were certain once and then it would be accepted without further questions.

    So far my only other ideas are writing "I'm gay" on a million sticky notes and leaving them throughout the house. Or if there's a shared computer, purposely leaving up porn. Not sure if any those would be helpful though :frowning2:
     
  9. PatrickUK

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    Saying I like boys more than girls should be enough, but if it isn't, ask your parents how specific they want you to be? What do they want you to say? Do they really want you to outline in detail all of individual features of the male body and personality that you find attractive? Do they really want you to tell them about your sexual desires and instincts? Ask them these questions directly and be prepared to push through the awkwardness and tell them, if they insist on it (which I very much doubt they will).

    Don't be aggressive or confrontational when you are talking to them, because it will only lead them to believe you are unhappy about your sexuality, but do leave them in no doubt. You can and will answer their questions very directly, if they insist on it, but is that what they really want?

    Also remember the PFLAG website and all of the resources it contains for struggling parents - www.pflag.org
     
  10. DAFriend

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    I've found that the most understandable way to explain it to a straight person is to first ask them who they imagine growing old and spending their retirement with. Of course they will say their partner, or someone of the opposite gender.

    Then all you need to say is, "I imagine that person being the same gender as me so, I know I'm gay."

    That is something anyone can relate to, and it tells them it isn't a phase, or passing fancy, you see being gay as permanent, life long, which it is mostly, for most but, people that have never even questioned their orientation don't understand fluidity or, the nuances of sexuality we know. To them it's all set in stone, you are this way or that way always and forever. Makes explaining things and, answering some of their questions in a way they understand difficult for us when we have to leave out the nuances and variations, and changes we know about and understand but, know they will brush of as meaningless, contrived, or imagination.
     
  11. Austin

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    I like some of these answers! Lol. My mom asked me this question when I came out and I think I just said I always had crushes on guys instead of girls. She sort of just didn't ask it again, and accepted it. I guess maybe it's the "denial" phase where they believe "well, he's young maybe he isn't sure" until they realize their straightness was pretty hard wired. I'd probably just tell them that "I just know what I like" and ask them how they knew they liked the opposite sex. Of course, for me (this just jogged my memory), this led to my mom telling me about her experimenting with women and how she could "probably" be with a women if she wanted...... Awkward....
     
  12. Quantumreality

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    Great post, Austin!

    So true! The denial phase of grieving by parents and close family members of LGBTQ people can be SO powerful at the beginning! We can't let us get that down! Their denial does NOT make our understanding of our own sexuality invalid. It's a lack of acceptance on their part. So just insisting that you KNOW who you are (sexually) is the most important thing.
     
  13. I'm gay

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    Guff,

    Your parents are still in a mode of seeing your sexuality as abnormal. They just don't get it, and don't see it past their own worldview of sexuality.

    Of all the responses here, I agree most strongly with Patrick.

    I don't know if you can get your dad to see that same-sex attraction is exactly the same as opposite-sex attraction. The physical feelings of attraction, admiration, and even lust are EXACTLY the same for both gay and straight people. Of course there is a whole spectrum of feelings and emotions that we can experience, and we all have differences in our experiences, but the physical sensations in your body aren't any different.

    Getting more specific as to the physical feelings of attraction is a way to get the discussion off of your mental conclusion that you're gay and onto what attraction really is - a physical bodily sensation. Explain to him that when your dad sees a pretty woman, and experiences a physical feeling of attraction, you feel the exact same thing, only it happens for you when you see a guy that you find attractive.

    You might ask your dad to describe the physical feelings of attraction for him. Don't let him off the hook. It's not easy to describe these feelings because we feel them, but don't really think about the feelings very much. The real truth is that gay people who are out to themselves actually have a much greater sense of their own feelings and attractions because they've thought about them so much more than straight people. If your dad can describe his attractions to women in any specific detail, you will see that his description will probably fit yours as well, just change body parts and gender.

    It's possible that they may never really understand, especially if they don't put any effort into really trying to understand. You can live your life even if they don't understand. Just tell them you love them, and that it's ok if they don't understand though you wish they would, and live your life.

    Take care. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:ride:
     
  14. BookWriter1994

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    You should ask him "How did you know that you are straight?" If someone asks how I am I gay if I never had a girlfriend that's what I would say right back to them..
     
  15. pinkpanther

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    All of the above except remember to be respectful and patient with their questions. They are still struggling to understand and accept a part of you that until yesterday they had no idea it existed.

    They're not trying to offend you or put you down, they're genuinely interested and are trying to understand, but you have to give them time to sink in. I think that in a few months or so they will turn around and fully accept you who you truly are. Just remember that it takes time.