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hello there

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by baristajedi, May 31, 2018.

  1. baristajedi

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    Hi friends,

    There have been so many times I feel like checking in but I haven't been able to because life is absolutely a massive whirlwind. I could use the wisdom and encouragement of you wonderful humans on this board a lot of the time, but I'm not able to sit down and write

    I guess a bit of a check in is what i feel like doing, some catch up.

    Friends, life is complicated, I'm trying to make sense of everything. Let me try to think of where to start....

    Today, I had an interesting feeling. I had an interview today, I'm really excited, nervous, really wanting this job. It would be very focused on LGBTQ issues, and it would be amazing. Heading to the interview, i took stock in my life a bit. Nearly 3 years ago, I had this massive moment of understanding about myself. Walking with my headphones on, listening to the hundredth coming out story that week on my way to work, I said the words out loud to myself, this is my truth, the reason I need to listen to these stories so often is because it reflects my truth. This is me in these stories.

    This realisation was only the beginning of so many realisations. I think for me, acknowledging that I'm gay was an uncovering of a deep part of my core self, it was acknowledging that i have a sexual part of myself (I had deeply buried any semblance of sexuality, such a natural, essential part of who I am). It was a reckoning of my belief in self. It was a confirmation that I matter, that my feelings have value, and my happiness has worth. It was validation of my belief in finding love, finding connection, intimacy, romance, sensuality, emotional bonding, passion, pleasure, as part of my life. It was my attempt to seize what I have left of this short life to experience joy. And it was a reclaiming of my sense of home, feeling at home within myself, feeling nourished within my soul, within my own truth. And a venture in righting a whole set of wrongs throughout my life, doing something with integrity, after years of making decisions that felt lukewarm and not quite right.


    When I was going to my interview today, I realised that I've come a really long way. I'm in a place that I'm really proud of, I'm in a more honest place, I'm able to be me, to live my truth, and I'm working towards fighting alongside others in my community. It feels good to be at this place in my life.

    But there are other things too, that feel difficult, and I suppose I need a bit of encouragement now and again... this battle is really damn hard sometimes. It's worth every second of the fight, but the scars are deep.

    Leaving my husband, making a new life and forging a new sense of our family for our daughter, I knew that was going to be a massive uphill battle. And then meeting my partner, no matter how much joy I have with her, I knew that bringing our families together would lead to lots of adjustments. But I also thought I could see the end coming to alot of these struggles. I thought I could see the end point drawing nearer and nearer.

    But then, life just takes things and throws you with a massive curveball sometimes, doesn't it?

    When her ex took his life, my partner's ex, the father of her boys, life got ever more complicated. I can't tell you guys how far all of the difficulties stretch. My daughter is working through loads of feelings right now, and it's hard. Her son was going through some really big feelings lately too but it seems he's getting through at least this phase and doing better. Our life was never going to be simple, but we had a plan, we had everything very carefully laid out to make the chidlren's lives feel secure and safe and positive. And we can still do that, but his abandoning everyone has created a chasm and a mountain of difficult decisions. It would take a lot to explain all the complexities of feelings that have come with him taking his life, but let's just say, it's thrown everything off balance, there's a lot of grief for my partner and her boys, my daughter's struggling to understand things, it's even made her relationship with her dad more complicated. THere's a logic to all of these struggles, so we're unraveling the troubles bit by bit and working towards making everyone feel more secure.

    But my partner and I have considered like multiple multiple times that perhaps our family can't be blended. every time we have these conversations, out of desperation, because the kids are struggling, we always acknowledge how much we'd each sink in heartbreak because we love each other so much. Guys, i love this woman so damn much.

    We are working so hard to make things work. But it is hard sometimes, and painful.

    Right now we're on a really positive upswing, things are going in a really good direction. But I feel like I want someone to share all these feelings with... So here I am, sharing.

    Thanks for reading if you've gotten this far...
     
    #1 baristajedi, May 31, 2018
    Last edited: May 31, 2018
  2. Lia444

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    Aww, I think you’ve done really well. Sometimes it does seem like life throws one curve ball after another but I think things happen for a reason even if it doesn’t seem like it. I think you can both get through this and come out the other side with the life that you have pictured. I’ve heard stories from other women on another group and it does get better, it might take a couple of years but you will get there, keep fighting and talking. Hugs.
     
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  3. baristajedi

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    Thanks @Lia444 i keep picturing a future where things are better, I really want to get there. My partner and I feel so much joy with each other and we really love each other, I'm so lucky to have her. but when our kids are all over the place, things feel so impossible sometimes.
    One step at a time, just like anything I guess.
     
  4. baristajedi

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    I wanted to apologise for the way I'm talking in this post... I realise rereading it how clear my anger comes out in the way I describe my partner's ex. I generally try to remember to say things in a more neutral way, but if I'm being honest, what he's done makes me really angry. I'm short on understanding for him right now and long on anger at his decision and all it's consequences.

    But if I can look objectively outside of my own situation at the idea of someone doing what he's done I can see the pain and the mental anguish too, I'm just not there with this in my own circumstances at the moment.
     
  5. LostInDaydreams

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    To me, Barista, the primary feeling coming across was of concern and understanding and love for your partner and your children.

    Don't apologise. I can't imagine what you're all going through.
     
    #5 LostInDaydreams, Jun 1, 2018
    Last edited: Jun 1, 2018
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  6. baristajedi

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    I do primarily feel concern and protection for my partner and children, but I suppose that comes hand in hand with anger for me, I feel like he's put this burden on everyone and it gets me so angry. I know anger isn't a good emotion to hold onto, I'm working on it.

    But you're right, my feelings stem from love for my family. It's all quite emotional.
     
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  7. baristajedi

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    GUYS!



    I GOT THE JOB!!! Omg I'm so happy, this position means so much to me.
     
  8. LostInDaydreams

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    Congratulations! :slight_smile:
     
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  9. baristajedi

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    Thank you!! I'm so happy
     
  10. Lia444

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    Well done, congrats, you’ll do great.
     
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  11. baristajedi

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    Thank you :slight_smile: :slight_smile: :slight_smile:
     
  12. SoulSearch

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    Your anger is real and justified. You can’t help what you feel and his actions deeply hurt people you love and affected the course of your journey. That is a heavy thing to go through and I’m sure your emotions have been all over the place.

    Hope things will be looking up with your kids and the adjustment to new circumstances.

    Congrats on the job!
     
  13. sparki

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    Congratulations on the job! Thank you for posting your experience. It was beautifully written. Loved the paragraph about realizations. Can totally relate. On the other part... Keep working through the emotions and let yourself feel. That he took his own life hit me particularily hard for reasons I will not disclose at this time. I know I shouldn’t bury the emotions I am feeling and need to find a way to talk about it.
     
  14. looking for me

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    sooo great to see you again. I was thinking this morning, wondering where you were, if you were ok. job interview, I'm sure you did great I hope you get the position.

    you have come so far, climbed so much and growth? wow so much. you and your partner are people I look to when my times get hard. and yes your family can be blended, maybe not seamlessly but maybe swirled as one?

    this has to be hard on kids, me splitting from my ex and her self harm had my son in therapy, it saved his life because he was considering ending his as he saw everything fall apart in his world, even with the abuse, emotional and otherwise in our family. getting you and your family through this is hard but I know you all can do it. HUGS
     
  15. SevnButton

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    Yup, read the whole thing, start to finish! It was uplifting. @baristajedi, no need to apologize for the anger - everything you wrote was honest and sincere, I didn't get any negativity, or anything destructive out of it.
    As much as we seem to seek smooth sailing, sometimes it seems like it's just not the way life happens.

    Hugs and light!
     
  16. I'm gay

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    Thanks for the update, and congratulations!

    Even after coming out, separation and divorce, new relationships, kids, jobs, etc. Life just goes on, doesn't it? Full of more twists and turns.

    Just keep swimming.
     
  17. Bazinga87

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    You know what, you probably don't remember me but we talked a couple years ago and I am impressed with how far you have come just reading some recent posts you have made that I have lurked. I'm really sorry that your family is going through what it is. That pain for the loved ones close to him would be unimaginable and it sounds like you are grieving with them and trying to help along the way.

    I'm not trying to jump on your back here but I'm still married and last time we were close to splitting she threatened suicide. We ended up with an ambulance and ER visit (I had to ride uber because they thought I was abusing or needed to ask that without me there. Which I could never do to her) but it scared me.

    Anyways my fears are my own and I'm going to group again too. It's just a mixed bag of emotions I have for you. You have come a long way as the strong woman you are but I hate that you have to deal with this too.

    I'm here for you anytime you wanna talk. Even if you don't want to talk about you and just want to shoot the shit or ask me about what's going on. The bridge is here and I'm here to stay.

    Keep on fighting for your true because it's inspirational to at least one gay guy