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Hello from this 43 year old lesbian

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Starlite, Dec 15, 2016.

  1. Starlite

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    Well, I can't believe I'm here and doing this but I am. I need to do this. I don't know what 'this' is yet and I'm scared. Hoping for lots of (&&&) and to make some new friends too.
    I've been married (twice) and currently in a relationship (with a man) who I care about but we're more just like roommates. We don't even sleep in the same room and I've NO desire whatsoever. I'm very sad about this and feel like a hypocrite wasting both our time. I have SO much guilt here.

    Looking back in all my relationships with men, it's very very sad to realize I needed alcohol before even considering anything sexual. I'm just not into men. I've always been attracted to women. If a man and woman walk past me, I don't even notice the guy! lol I had lots of little girl crushes growing up, and a major crush when I was about 20 with a friend. We never acted upon it, but the chemistry between us was so undeniably thick. Never in my life have I since experienced anything like that, and I would love that one day. I'm actually a bit secretly jealous of those lesbians who are fully out, whether coupled or not...

    Anyway I really have no idea what else to say right now and am kind of jumping all over the place with my words. I guess I'm excited and nervous here. And as I'm not out yet I feel like I'm being sneaky on here. ugh. Anyway, :smilewave

    Looking forward to learning from others here and really starting to live. How sad is it, that I feel like I've been asleep and hiding myself all my life... but I'm ready to begin the small (baby steps) to really living my life MY way.

    ---------- Post added 15th Dec 2016 at 07:09 AM ----------

    Shoot - I wonder if I should have posted this instead in the welcome section? But I am 'later in life' too. lol ahhh - I over think everything!
     
  2. silverhalo

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    Welcome to EC :slight_smile:

    Its never too late to get where you want to be, I hope you settle in well.
     
  3. looking for me

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    welcome starlite, from cold Newfoundland.
     
  4. hexamum

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    It's springtime....well....it's not.... technically.....but.....welcome to the end of hibernation!! Hehe!!

    I am 43.....married to a guy.....
    If you need a natter, throw me a message :slight_smile:
    Welcome!!
    It's exciting seeing your mind in writing, isn't it? xx
     
  5. Luana

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    I'm 47, and just started coming out. My sister is the only family member that knows, a friend in another county, and the woman I'm trying to woo....It is scare but also very liberating and enjoyable. I still have steps to complete. I had a lot of emotions, but I think I'm settling down and getting back to life...Lots of ups and downs, that still happen but the swings are not that big now. Do not rack yourself to much. From listening and watching forums, and being in the situation, it seems to happen a fair amount.
     
  6. Starlite

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    Wow thank you all for a warm welcome!!
    One thing I am wondering.... I would love to have some in-person support
    and curious if anyone has suggestions how-to considerijg I am not yet open to comijg out to those who know me. I have come across some meet up groups but they require you sharing a profile pic and I don't want to online out of respect for those Inhaven't shared yet namely my family....
     
  7. johndeere3020

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    Welcome. from Minnesota!

    The hardest part for me has been self acceptance. I tend to be my worst enemy sometimes. A found a great counselor to talk one on one to and it has helped greatly. I am not sure I will ever leave my wife but just becoming more ok with who I am inside has helped.

    Take Care
    Dean
     
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  8. Starlite

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    Thanks! I'd love to find a counsellor to help me. I've come a few times to almost coming out but then chickened out or convinced myself I was just in a phase of emotion. I also don't want to hurt my boyfriend but I already am by lying and pretending we have a future. I could stay stuck where I am, but I really dont want to be.
     
  9. looking for me

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    is there a Pflag group near you? google Pflag and your town's name.
     
  10. Starlite

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    Yes I think I saw something like that! I will check them out. :slight_smile:
    It seems there is more support for the younger crowd (which is fabulous, of course).
     
  11. looking for me

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    often its the younger ones, but open to all ages, I go and im older than the facilitators. but I do learn a lot from them and im able to give them a different perspective, more than a few are friends now.
     
  12. Starlite

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    Yes, and thank you! :slight_smile:
     
  13. Luana

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    I slowly started adding photos and more details. The friend in the other country was actually in the same situation but younger then me, and we shared a lot. We talked about what was happening, and how to deal with it. One of the things she said is that really the only people in the meet up groups are people like us looking for support, that made me less concerned about being ousted. Spent a lot of nights up texting life experiences and why, which we asked a lot. It was nice to have someone, that was many miles away and I was not concerned about actually having a real life confrontation that would "ruin" my world. I did run into some really uptight women that had no compassion, so watch out for that. They are pretty obvious...
     
  14. NYCer

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    Hi, I'm older, too--46 years old, divorced (from a guy) with 2 kids. I'm finding dating (online) frustrating and would love to connect with others in my situation.
     
  15. ladykiki

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    Hello and welcome! :smilewave you're part about needing alcohol to be with a man is true for me also, my early 20's are a blur, I couldn't be intimate with a man unless drunk and I felt wretched the next day which I put down to a hangover, but really I hadn't figured out I was gay yet... it's strange how things work out! It's amazing how something so obvious can be overlooked, when I realised I was gay it was like a slap in the face and I started waking up to myself, this forum has been a great help in talking about it and reading other people's stories to know I'm not alone (&&&)
     
  16. Starlite

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    I can't begin to say how much better I feel knowing I'm not alone. I'm sorry we're all in this boat so to speak... but at least we're in it together right? :slight_smile: I can't even imagine being on the dating scene again. I actually never really dated...I just went from relationship to relationship with men. I think I had a fear of being alone. Now, I'm very independent and I like that however I'm craving a real deep and lasting connection that is both passionate, spiritual and fun... guess I'm at a place in my life that I really want what I've always wanted and not wanting to 'settle' any more or fit a mold I felt I was supposed to.
     
  17. Luana

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    It is amazing how we just over looked it, I felt really stupid...and the self esteem was the pits. I sounded pathetic and was pathetic. I have been coming out only since July. I'm not one to move slow on things. Once I decide I go, everybody is different...I was amazed I was in the dating scene, I had given up. But then I too craved the deep and lasting connection once I realized what I truly wanted.
    I have found a beautiful, loving woman that I hope is that relationship. She is compassionate and understanding. The only problem is she lives far away. I plan on traveling to her over Christmas, which has me kind of twisted now. Am I looking at the relationship, and not the person? I guess I will know in a week....

    Anything I can do to help I will! I lucked out and found the friend that I could talk to, so I will pay it forward.....(Not saying I'm a success, but I have experienced the turmoil!)
     
  18. Starlite

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    Aww that makes me smile, Luana... I hope she's what will make your soul smile!
    And thanks...happy to have any assistance I can. I've got my eye on a lesbian counsellor I'll reach out to in the new year however I can't really afford many sessions but I'm going to give this a go. Before I seriously change my life in coming out, and shaking the whole boat for my boyfriend and family, I really want to be sure... and have a strong network in place to help me! I know there'll never be a 'perfect time or moment' for coming out but I want to do all I can to do this right.

    ---------- Post added 15th Dec 2016 at 07:17 PM ----------

    And by 'being sure' I don't even know what that means. I am sure I don't want to be with a man in any sexual or romantic way. That's all I know. haha
     
  19. I'm gay

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    Hi Starlite,

    You are definitely not alone. I'm 48, married for 20 years with 2 kids, and came out of the closet last June. Separated from my wife Dec 1st. It's been a rollercoaster ride right from the beginning, and the train hasn't stopped yet.

    This is a journey of discovery for you, and there really is no good way to take this journey but by taking it step by step.

    If you know that you don't want to be with a man in any sexual or romantic way, I think you owe it to yourself and your boyfriend to end your relationship with him. He deserves someone who is attracted to him, and you deserve the life you need to have. It doesn't have to happen immediately, but it seems from your posts that you already know what you need to do.

    The journey out of the closet isn't easy, but I, and so many others here, can tell you that the end result is worth it. Being free to be who you really are is really the start of the next chapter of your life.

    I wish you safe travels on your journey.

    Take care. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:ride:
     
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  20. Starlite

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    Thanks yes, I wholeheartedly agree. While not in love with him, I do care and he deserves more and better.