Hello from Texas

i have been signed up for a few weeks now, but I want to say hi and thank you to everyone here at EC. I’m a 37 year old man in Texas. I am on the gay side of bisexual, and have been in the closet since middle school. I’m a recent widower that has been battling mental issues that have been caused in large part by being in the closet.

Since I was 15 I have been hooking up with mostly men. Every time I hooked up I would feel regret and shame, and I would beat myself up and punish myself for it. I started living a double life, despite the fact that my family wasn’t overtly homophobic, though they are fairly religious. I had some substance abuse issues, as I was self medicating the depression and anxiety that living a lie caused me. Eventually I stopped self medicating, but even with antidepressants and anxiety medication, I was still having serious issues.

Eventually I met my wife, and there was a spark there I hadn’t felt before. We fell in love, got married, and lived happily for a while. She knew that i was bi, but didn’t want to know any details or anything about any of my former partners, male or female, so the topic was really off the table. Even though I loved her, I eventually started sinking deeper into depression and couldn’t really talk to her about it. She passed away last year, and that sent me into a spiral that I’m only now starting to recover from.

Almost a year after she passed away, I realized I had to examine myself to pull myself out of the depression, as she told me she wanted me to move on and be happy. I started looking up information about my sexuality and found my way here. I have to say, out of all the things I have looked up regarding my being in the closet, this website helped the most by far. I finally found a safe place with people that had similar experiences and great advice.

I want to say thank you to everyone here, because I have started feeling alive again. The emptiness is going away. I am still on my medications, but I am finally making progress. Just a few days after joining, I came out to my mother and had a great discussion with her. Even though she is very religious, she had nothing but love and support for me, which made it so much easier. I felt a huge weight come off my shoulders and I was ready to start living again.

Since coming out, I have started going out, meeting new people, having fun, and even dating men in public, which was unheard of for me. I no longer feel shame or regret for just kissing a man, and I don’t punish myself either. I now get excited when thinking about going on a date in public instead of hiding in the shadows trying not to get caught. I still have a long way to go, but everyone here and IRL have had great advice and have made everything so much easier on me. I even have a nice guy I’ve been talking to that’s going to meet me tomorrow, which I’m sure will be wonderful.

Thanks again, everyone here at EC! You guys have really helped me to get my life back on track, even if you haven’t directly reached out to me. You guys just sharing your problems, advice, and support has meant the world to me, and I hope to be able to return that favor to you.