Hello, I have been looking over this site for a while now and this seems to be the only legit on to actually talk to people. I am looking for information or something maybe advice or confirmation on what is going on with me. I am almost 18 and I have been a few girls since I was 14 and I have always been drawn to them and enjoy being with them. I have had sexual relationships with 2 of them. Lately when watching porn or at gym or the pool I sometimes catch myself looking at some of the guys and it does turn me on so to speak. I've never had these feelings and I don't even think I can picture myself with another guy but it's starting to really get to me. I've never looked at gay porn or had an urge to. The thought of ever sleeping with or even kissing a male is rather disgusting to me. I've read some other peoples threads and I know I'm not alone in this, but the real question is what triggers this and what does it really mean? Am I turning gay or bi? Will my want for girls change? Can you control it? Any thoughts will be welcome please.
Do what gives most satisfaction. Some people know they're gay from a very young age. Some people's sexuality can evolve over many years and preferences can change. I considered myself straight until I considered myself bisexual and I considered myself bisexual until I realised I'm homosexual. But that took many years and I enjoyed every minute without worrying about which identity I should pick. Don't pressure yourself and don't feel pressured by others. This intense self examination can be very destructive. Just enjoy whoever you're with.
sifting life…..Hello and a big LGBTQIA+ welcome to Empty Closets! I can remember the first post that I made on EC. I was desperate for help and I got the help that night that I so needed. I hope that we can help you in the same way that I received help. The most important thing to remember about Empty Closets is that we do care about you! We're very glad that you found us here on EC and hope that we can answer questions, give you support and provide a place to vent (as long as it's not violent! ) when that becomes necessary! This is a safe community of loving, caring and very supportive people and we will do our best to help you blend into the community. *****There are 18 different sub-forums here that you can check out, join in the conversations or start your own thread/conversation. When I first joined Empty Closets I was in need of a lot of support and encouragement and I found it here…EC is a safe place. I hope that you'll find good things here too! Folks here will talk to you and share...you don't have to be afraid of asking questions...we're glad to have you! Empty Closets is all about making connections and giving LGBTQ folks a voice when they otherwise don't have one in their day-to-day lives. *****In particular you may want to check out the forum that is titled “Sexual Orientation”, there are people there who may have dealt with some of the same kind of issues that could be challenging you. Some info on how to navigate EC: When you have made at least 10 posts on various threads you will be able to post messages on a member's Profile Page. Just click on a member's Avatar Picture and then click on "Profile Page" in the dialogue box that pops up. You'll then be on their Profile Page and there will be a box that says: "Write Something”. When you have been on EC for a few weeks and have made at least 50 posts on various forums, you can apply for Full Membership. Only A Full Member can send Private Messages (PM) and then only to other Full Members and share personal contact info. Right now you can only send a PM to a Staff Member as that is always possible. Here is a quote from the Full Membership information forum: *****To be eligible you must be a member of Empty Closets for a minimum of two weeks, and have a minimum of 50 posts. These posts must be across numerous forums (Fun & Games does not contribute to post count), and consistently posted across a minimum of two weeks. You wouldn't be eligible, for example, if you registered, had no activity for two weeks, and then returned to post 50 times on your 14th day of membership. *****Well, as I said, we're very glad you found us! If you have any questions at all, you can send me a Private Message as you can always send a staff member a Private Message. …..David
sifting life.....What @Hugh said is true. Sexuality can change. Some people know from an early age that they are not straight (me), while others find that their sexuality goes through a gradual change over a period of time. Our biggest problem is that current society is still orientated towards a heavily heteronormative attitude. There has been progress but we are still stuck in that rut. What is most important is not who you want to have sex with, but who you love! I know that many guys, when thinking of having sex with another guy find themselves turned off and even a little bit sick. That's understandable when you have been "programed" from birth to only think of sex with a woman. However, if you were to truly find yourself in love with another guy, your feelings about being intimate with him would probably change. I fought my sexuality for over 40 years. I tried my best to be straight. That cause increasing pain, self-hate and depression until I almost took my own life. Believe me, fighting who I really was caused a disaster for me. It was only when I finally accepted that I am and have always been gay that I began to actually live a life that was worth living. I'm not saying that you are gay/bi! What I am saying is that you need to be honest with yourself, take a serious, deep look inside and find out where your sexuality/attractions really are. I would heavily suggest finding a therapist that works with the LGBTQ Community to help you with this journey. Finding a good therapist that did work with the LGBTQ Community was one of the best decisions that I ever made. He made it clear from the beginning that his job was not to convince me to be gay or to convince me to be straight, but to help me find out who I really was...to help me find the right path for my life on my own. His job was to help me find my way, not to make me take any particular path. That's the kind of therapist you need! When you are searching for a therapist, look at the information that they list on their website...try to find what I call a "gentle" therapist, one who doesn't push you in a direction, one who instead helps you find the direction that is right for you. I find it strange that we will not hesitate to go see a doctor if we fall and twist our ankle, but we will resist going to see a therapist when we are fighting an emotional conflict and need help to work it out! Believe me, you do not want to go through the years of doubt, and self-hate that I went through. You are young enough that you have plenty of time to work this out and have a full, wonderful life! Please give seeing a therapist some very serious consideration and don't be afraid to share with us here on Empty Closets...we want to help in any way that we can! .....David
I might get pushback on this, but I don't think you need to take this all that seriously. You're essentially straight, but you've looked at a couple of guys and felt like you've become aroused. I don't think its a big deal, really. I don't think worrying or overthinking it will you do any favours. You're 18, hormones are all over the place and you could probably get horny looking at anything. Personally I would suggest not stressing about it, just live your life and be open-minded about where that takes you.
i like what both quebec and JT1999 wrote. i do not think they contradict each other, but offer two sides of the same coin? Life brings us all sorts of new experiences and encounters that surface all sorts of new thoughts and feelings. To me, that is living. i think a lot of anxiety and conflict that we experience is not from those new experiences and encounters, but from the conditioned expectations we have been "programed" with (that quebec mentions). The conflict arises between what is and what (for whatever reason) we feel or think (or both) 'should' be. I.e., you think/feel you should be straight, and now you have a few experiences that cause you to wonder, to question that, because those experiences evoke other feelings or thoughts in you that you do not identify as "straight." And a lot of this is not even conscious, eh? To me the gift of feeling differently than expected is it gives you a new window on life, it makes your life bigger. That not only opens new possibilities for you, but gives you a better understanding of other people as well, which enables you to better connect with others. To me, the question is not whether or not you are gay, bi or straight... that puts the cart before the horse in my mind. To me, the question is where do the conflicting emotions come from, why the anxiety, if/when you do feel or think something that is different from expected? Which is more important for you? To be who you are supposed to be or to be who you are... and why?
Alrighty then thanks for the responses. Still in heap of confusion but I guess y'all suggested to just roll with and ignore and take it in stride. Clearly I would never act on these impulses since I am still trying figure what in the world is happening. I never realized peoples sexual orientation can change over time that is just something I thought was not possible. Aren't we all supposed to be who we are naturally? Is this the take away here?
Ha, interesting. i didn't get "just role with and ignore and take it in stride" from all the responses. Quebec recommended therapy, which strikes me as another option? As to your response to what i wrote? i think that the question you ask is a good and worthwhile question for you to explore, and i also think it's a big and ongoing question, not a one and done question with a simple answer. For instance, discovering what parts of you are "natural" and what parts of you are a result of "nurture," is an ongoing part of the sexuality question that has been asked... forever? But i think exploring and discovering the question: which parts of you are "natural" vs which parts are maybe not, but are "conditioned" in from and by others like parents, culture and have been planted in you as what/who you "should" be. To me, a "take away" is there is not a simple black or white answer to your query, but the question is a life long one.
From your first post it is hard to tell if this might be something that's just bugging you or if it feels like an all-consuming problem that's constantly on your mind. Is it possible that you can simply acknowledge the feelings you have and choose not to do anything about them, not to worry about them? Don't put any significance on them for now, but don't suppress them either. Be aware, but don't react. You've had some success with the opposite sex, you say you're drawn to them and it sounds like that's what you want, so can you keep doing that for a while? I think how you deal with something like this is something of a choice. You can get in a panic about something, but if you think calmly and logically then you can decide on a path that feels right to you. I'm not a worrier by nature, I am an overthinker but I am aware of when I am doing that and I can just sort of decide to box something up and put a 'deal with later' label on it, that is what I did when I realised I liked girls. Instead of trying to deal with it straight away, I let life and experiences happen and after a while it no longer felt like a big thing. That's kinda what I was asking whether you might be able to treat it the same way?
Also, just want to add that you'll get different responses from people because we've all had different experiences coming to terms with our sexualities. Compared to a lot of people on here, I feel like I really "got away with it". I didn't have any major problems accepting the changes in my attraction (I was 16), I didn't understand where the attraction to girls came from at first but I feel like I managed to get on just fine without that understanding, and now at 25 I realise it no longer matters to me. Some others here found it really difficult. I hope nobody thinks what I said in my previous post above is a criticism or making light out of something that can be really difficult.
I do understand what everyone is saying. I just have this issue where I have a mental plan of what I want and news to be in control. This is a huge curveball that I wasn’t expecting. And yes it probably is just a hormonal phase but my fear is what if it isn’t. I am sure that all sounds immature and ridiculous and I’m surely over reacting but I just wanted some opinions. So I do want to thank y’all for that. Time will tell I presume. I guess my initial concern was the fact that it has been increasingly infiltrating my thoughts.
I don’t think our sexualities change as such I think we just become aware of different aspects of them. Society in itself always leads us down the straight and narrow so to speak so even in the uk where it’s acceptable to be gay, most of the things you see in the media or in day to day life kind of train you that if you are a boy you will be attracted to girls etc and vice versa. So I think this happens naturally by default if you are straight or bi and then for the rest of us it can take a while. For sure there are some gay people that know straight away they are attracted to same sex but for others t takes longer to realise or figure something out. What if it isn’t? Worst case scenario you either discover you are attracted to men or you fall in love with a guy. Ultimately you are still in control, you can still choose to act or not act on those feelings. The only thing you can’t control is who you are or aren’t attracted to regardless of sexuality. The human brain is marvellous but also has a habit of self sabotage. You have this thought but the more you try and figure it out, naturally the more it is on your mind and then the more you think about it and often the more confusing it becomes because then you don’t know if it’s on your mind because you were attracted to a guy or because you are so desperate to figure it out you can’t think of anything else. I know it can be hard but just try to give yourself a break from it and often it actually becomes clearer.
