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Hello again...

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by am724, Feb 20, 2019.

  1. am724

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    So I am back for my third time on EC. I am in my late 40s and over the last few years have started to come to conclusion that I am probably gay. I had gay fantasies and crushes as a teen but also was interested in having girl friends and being a typical straight teenager. I didn’t really dwell on the fantasies at the time and as I got into my 20s I just thought as myself as straight man who had occaisional gay fantasies, not that unusual. As I got older I spent more and more time thinking about gay sex and less and less time thinking about straight sex and I realised that genuinely wanted to experience gay sex, not just fantasise about it. In my 40s I started to accept I was bi but then as I looked at my behaviours more and more I realised that virutally all my sexual desires and fantasies were toward gay sex, including starting to look at gay porn and chat sites and that I had little real interest in straight sex. I still find women attractive to look at but realise that there’s no real sexual attraction there.

    I can’t say I have truly accepted being gay, but I realise that there is not really another explanation. I have spoken to a couple of LGBT support sites and both people said that I should really start to try and accept that I am gay or at the very least bi.

    I am married and lived a typical straight life up till now and I really can’t see myself coming out but I also feel a real need to connect with people in a similar situation. I also find that I have phases where I am really focused on exploring this and other times when it doesn’t bother me, my sexual desires don’t change but they are less pressing. This is one of the reasons I am back here again as I feel need to start to address this again.

    I just thought I’d post this here rather than the welcome forum and also if people in a similar situation want to contact me please feel free.
     
  2. Dionysios

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    My dear friend, I attempted to suppress my homosexuality for decades. I was married with one child. No matter how long I sought to repress it, this desire for same sex relations remained. At the end of last year I finally accepted who and what I was. I came out to my wife, son and soon will come out to my family and to everyone. It has turned my world upside down and will take a heavy financial toll (my wife and I are separating and will divorce). Yet tje freedom to be able to finally be myself is worth it.

    I'm afraid you are delaying the inevitable. Consider coming out when you think you are ready. Hiding in the closet is a lonely and miserable place. You don't want to end your days there. You need to step forward and live your life as your heart desires. You will be happier as a result. *smile*
     
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  3. aw4288

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    I need advice. How did you know you were suppressing your sexuality, what did it feel like? Did you just constantly get aroused by other men? How can you perform with the opposite sex if you consider yourself gay did you have to imagine sex with a man? Sorry to ask im going through a similar thing I think. Im freaking out
     
  4. am724

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    @aw4288 For me suppressing my sexuality was not letting myself even think about gay sex for example. When I was in my 20s I literally wouldn't let myself if I could help but then when I occasionally did, I realized it just turned me on more and more, way more than straight sex. But it took me a long time to accept that the thoughts and desires meant I was gay. In the end I just had to accept that sexually speaking straight people don't spend their whole time thinking about gay sex like I do and finding guys attractive. I was always able to perform and earlier on in my life it was fine, maybe I'm a bit bi, but over time I lost interest. I guess some people are just able to perform fine despite being gay.
     
  5. aw4288

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    I tried getting off to gay thoughts I can't even get an erection. Im in a state I spent 3 hours testing myself this morning. I keep browsing photos of guys then measuring myself or flacidly trying to get off to men. I take it without being stupid im not supressing it im just not gay?
     
  6. am724

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    aw4288 It would seem so. Put it this way, if that was me it would take no time to get an erection and feel really turned on.
     
  7. bearheart

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    @am724 it seems that you are heading towards the same path as many of us! I would like you to think beyond your attraction to other men, it seems to me that it is almost confirmed from what I read from your post, and start looking deeply on how this would affect your life as a married man and the lives of others involved in the process (wife, kids?). Unless you're bi and are willing to continue living with your wife separation is inevitable at a certain point.

    It is good and healthy to define your own identity but keep in mind the bigger picture. Not to dissuade you from defining who you really are but to put you in perspective of its long term impact on your own psychological and physical well being.

    Personally, I fought my gay urges all my life and went into a straight marriage in a hope of "fixing" myself. I knew that I'm gay and I liked men from since I realized physical attraction in my late elementary school years. Everyone has a different story and different people around them that will react in different ways. But it seems to me that most gay men end by leaving their straight marriage, some chose not to, and everyone has his own reasons and circumstances to justify their decision.

    Wish you all the best and a quick self definition so that you'll be able to think clearly about how you'd like to lead your life in the future. We're all here to listen and to give our input from our own experience. Will be always there for you.
     
  8. am724

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    thanks @bearheart for your advice and support. I do think each time i have been on EC i have got slightly further along in terms of acceptance, at least to point where I am now of knowing and accepting I am gay. Just need to see where the I go next...
     
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  9. Redwinerox

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    I too fought my bisexual feelings since my youth. I experimented with a good friend as a late teen and both of us wrote off what happened to the weed and drink of the time. However as my life went on my Masturbation fantasies were always the most exciting when I flashed back to the times with him. I had gay friends in college, but we never did anything together. I seemed to over compensate with girls the more my bi desires surfaced. I started having gay sex dreams about some of my gay friends in college.

    Time went on and eventually i experimented (with the help of the internet) with gay sex and wow! By this time I was married and really confused. There was a lot of self-medicating that went on to try and forget my desires. My marriage was anything but happy. I had flings with girls/women and men (lots of latex involved there). But it wasn’t until i was in my 40s and had taken my 100th are you bi or are you gay test on the internet that I accepted I am bisexual. That ah-ha moment of self-acceptance was like an anvil lifted off my chest and head.

    I came out to a few close friends and finally in therapy came out to my wife. I wish that had a happy ending but it’s more like a to be continued story. She didn’t take it well and still doesn’t. At the same time I came out I had an extramarital love affair with a very awesome accepting (she was fine I was bi) lady. My wife has health issues and can’t work, so I couldn’t take my relationship with my friend to any next level without ending my marriage. That was my 2nd acceptance moment. I decided that I was going to stay with my wife until we both didn’t want to any longer. So, no extra bi/gay or straight experiences since that moment 3 years ago.

    Now, I am not going to lie I am frustrated. I probably watch more gay porn than I should and my desires have not diminished. I do however not have to live a lie of cheating on her and the lack of guilt is refreshing. I don’t know what the future holds, but for now we’re trying to see what happens and are both taking our happiness in moments from our kids and grandkids.

    If I can offer any advice it would be discover who you are and accept it. You won’t believe how good that feels.
     
  10. Brandy Bee

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    Hi, just my two cents, but I would be careful not to conflate how much any given porn arouses you physically, with your true sexual orientation.
    It may seem counter intuitive, but porn is just that: porn. It doesn't take into account how you feel in the company of a man you really like, or letting yourself open up and be vulnerable on an intimate level with a man, or a transgender man, or anyone else for that matter.
    I'm a believer that your true sexual orientation is found by things so much richer than any porn movie or photo.
     
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  11. DeadPoolUK

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    Hey am724 and others. I just wanted to say I read your story and it resonated with me in ways that made me feel I needed to reply.

    I'm now 45 and from an early age I was convinced I was straight, I had girlfriends, had male friends but no attraction to any of them. As I got to my teenage years and encountered my first gay guy of my own age I was curious, but felt it was nothing more than intellectual curiousity as I felt no attraction to them as I did with girls.

    It wasn't until my early twenties when a friend I had known a couple of years came out to me that I ever really considered it again, I hadn't had any attraction to guys, and no desire either. But his coming out seemed to raise the question in my mind again and I found myself wondering what things would be like if I was gay. Though I wasn't heavily attracted to him, this left me curious as to whether I actually was gay, or bi or just extremely curious. However my thoughts only lasted a day at most and didn't reappear for a long time, even after being engaged for the second time. For over twenty years I lived thinking I was simply curious on an intellectual level and any thoughts I had were from a desire to understand and not my own sexuality or preferences.

    It wasn't until just after my 41st birthday that things changed. I woke up one morning and found my curiousity had returned but to a much larger extent. I felt a need to explore this new desire for men, not just sexually but romantically though my desire for the opposite sex hadn't changed. Like you, I took time to explore this, from porn to forums and talking with friends.

    I have to say though, I too have altering desire. Some times I feel more attraction to men and perhaps more gay, but times where I feel less gay and more hetero. I have had this question on my mind for two years "Am I gay, bi, pan, confused or all four?" and I finally realised I don't care that much.

    Hopefully what I say makes sense, if not ask away haha. Best regards.
     
  12. DeadPoolUK

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    I completely agreee with this. Porn did nothing for me. Porn was so unrealistic and I didn't find the guys that attractive so no arousal. Yet the idea of spending time with a guy, romance, dating, and all that entails was what did arouse me. And I also agree, that for me at least, my orientation came from far more than the visual.
     
  13. Poofter

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    For me I could perform, with my wife. But I had a connection to her. I couldn’t get it up for straight porn or when we did a small separation our 3rd year of marriage I tried to go out with a woman and I couldn’t perform at all. All I wanted was a man. I started to realize the only reason I got jealous when a man would talk to my wife is because I wanted them to talk to me and look at me like that. I knew I loved her, but sex was always missing something. I was never really satisfied. So many reasons why but the main being I am gay. And it took me a long damn time to accept that.
     
  14. regkmc

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    I can experience strong fantasies about men 90% of the time now......ever since I had an “awakening”, that has been my masturbation (without porn) life. Unfortunately, I have a lot of shame and fear tied up in doing anything IRL.

    I separated from my wife for a year, and had sex with 6 different women.....I suppose there was an overcompensating component for me too.

    I am back with my wife, and sex is good when we have it. But it doesn’t take away from the gnawing unease of knowing I have strong sexual attraction (in my head) to a man. And then I can spiral off wondering how I can still be the family man I want to be while this is going on for me.

    I am trying to work on baby steps, meditating regularly, and connecting with the LGBT community in ways that don’t include sex. For now.
     
  15. aw4288

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    I was not using porn. I was trying fantasy. I closed my eyes while getting it on with the wife and imagined a guy and went flacid very quickly.
     
  16. Brandy Bee

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    Oh, sorry! My mistake. I shouldn't have assumed.