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Heartbroken

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Musician, Mar 23, 2013.

  1. Musician

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    Well, I hope they come out with something. I know, mice aren't humans. One day. I'll be the first to jump on it. Especially if my girlfriend is still single. And if she's with a man, I'll split them up, hahaha. I'm sure she'll be for it. I still think we are meant for each other. :frowning2:

    My girlfriend has been amazing. She's been crying with me, there for me, she's my best friend. I love her so much. She means everything to me, and she acts like I mean everything to her too. This is all too much. Like a death. She's more optimistic than me. We will raise each other's kids and be there for each other. We are definitely soulmates, straight or not.

    Also, I read that relationships really work when there is sexual passion for each other. That's why mixed-orientation-marriages have such high divorce rates. That with sexual passion, the relationship stays together. If there was a pill that increased my sexual preference towards women - passion - I would be with my girlfriend till the end of time, whatever the balances in the brain are. If some switch got flipped in my mom's womb, I'd like something to flip it back.
     
    #21 Musician, Mar 23, 2013
    Last edited: Mar 23, 2013
  2. BudderMC

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    Time to bust out the love triangle! (I love this thing)

    [​IMG]

    You can certainly have a non-sexual relationship with your (hopefully) ex-girlfriend. You can even love her, just in a different way to I would love my boyfriend or you might love your mother.

    In terms of the triangle, from what I understand "passion" is not the same as saying "sexual", though more often than not the latter leads the former. Obvious the goal is an ultimate, consummate type of love where you really get everything you want out of your partner, and if you can't be passionate towards your (ex-)girlfriend, then it probably won't happen.

    That said, keep loving her. It just might be better that you don't stay in a romantic relationship with her. :slight_smile:
     
  3. Jeff

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    Your girlfriend is really understanding because she does love you. And since you also love her, the pain and sorrow is real for you.

    But it sounds like you do indeed have a close friend for life here. And the sex you two just had was a celebration of sorts.

    Anfd since you have come to understand yourself, and have been honest with her and yourself, you've come a long way here. You deserve hugs and warmth. And your pain might just fade that much faster.

    You are really heading in the right direction, being a rather informed person, a gay man with depth and experience about love. You are ahead of the game in many important ways.
     
  4. Musician

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    Budder, awesome chart.

    Jeff, thanks for the great words. I was brought up with love, and so was she. It's obvious, at least on her part. I hope I can find a man whom I can love. Thing is, I have very little clue about what guys are even "my type". My girlfriend said she will find a good man for me. She will help me see and decide. I never even explored these feelings in my mind before. I really am like a babe in the woods.

    When I was "straight", I knew exactly, blondes, brunettes, definitely Latinas. Loved Latinas. Those always got me off and very hot. But with no attraction to women anymore, and it being pretty clear that I'm gay, I don't even have a base for which guys are hot. In my homophobic (?) mind, guys are ugly, kissing them isn't soft and nice, and not as nicely shaped. But I know that as of the past few days, when I really allowed myself to go there, I get hard to guys and not even real girls. I'm so heartbroken. I just want to feel attraction to women again, but I think it will never happen. Then I can love my girlfriend. But that's probably the reason I shut down to my girlfriend the past year. Because in my mind I saw myself married and with kids and in love with her, but my body and being apparently knew before my mind that I am gay.

    I'm very sad about this. Hoping it's a phase, but afraid it's not. I don't think it is... :frowning2: Unless I made this whole gay thing up in my head. I wish.
     
    #24 Musician, Mar 23, 2013
    Last edited: Mar 23, 2013
  5. Monocle

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    Musician, I don't mean to be presumptuous, but are you sure you're not bisexual? It could be that you're so stressed out over the revelation that you like guys that you're literally not allowing yourself to get turned on by women.

    Like I said, I don't want to make assumptions about something as personal as your sexuality, but it seems like you're interested in both sexes. I've heard of bisexual people who are "up and down" with what sex they prefer on any given day. The comment about Latinas and your attraction to women make it seem like you're not 100% gay, at least.
     
  6. Musician

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    I don't think I'm 100% gay. Thing is, on the bisexual forums, I was reading about people struggling with their sexuality, while being with a wife for years. But I do think I have a stronger attraction to guys. Many of those guys have these attractions which are stronger than with women, and they are struggling and unhappy in their marriages. And they consider themselves a Kinsey 3. They discovered this at my age, and are unhappy in their lives because of this. I live once. I want to be happy. I have this sad sense I'm actually gay.

    The other component I'm wondering about is that female sexuality is more fluid than men's. Even my brother's ex-gf, who I talked to at length today and who considers herself smack in the middle of the sexuality spectrum, said when she had her first crush on a girl, she rushed and came out to her family as a lesbian. Then, she got balanced out and has been involved in all types of relationships, with multiple partners, etc. Thing is, with men, I don't know if their sexuality is that fluid. This seems eerily real to me - my orientation.

    What scares me is that has been coming for ages for me. Not with the fantasies, but me having little success with women because I would reject myself for "some reason" and end relationships. Not knowing that I had anything sexual for men because I wouldn't let myself go there, I guess. So I watched straight/lots of lesbian porn and was loving it. That all my buddies would have long-term relationships, and why couldn't I be like them? I guess in hindsight, I was lacking passion for a woman, the type of passion that would make it easier for a woman to go for me - I'm a pretty good looking guy too, and not dumb at all. Also talented. Not to be modest or anything :lol: So this wasn't making sense to me. But I guess there was a disconnect between my mind and spirit. My mind thought I was straight, because I was supposed to be, and I used my attraction to women to bring that side out all the time. It was a constant battle, I guess, though a rather erotic one, haha. But my spirit would shut down, and I guess this was the reason why, very sadly for me.

    When I came out Thursday, I realized how much tension I had been holding in my body. I had all this tension in my stomach and genitals, which my therapist constantly noted upon. It resolved upon coming out. I think my orientation was physically repressed in my body like that. So with this freedom, I see that I am more gay than bi, because I guess I was using that tension to deny my gay side and to be aroused by women instead. It caused problems in relationships, distance with my girlfriend, etc.

    Do I hope my attraction will return? OMG yes. Do I think it is likely? Doubt it. I haven't even explored the gay side of my fantasies because I'm not ready yet. But I really think I'm gay anyway. Just having sex with my girlfriend today, I have no arousal, but when I thought of a guy, it was so hot. We both had a great time! But I know it's not the same. I need that masculinity to be aroused. And that's what breaks my heart. I thought I was just being loving with her by not being passionate in our relationship. Sensitive and kind. But I guess there has been no animal instinct, like I get with the guys. That's the heartbreaking thing for me.
     
    #26 Musician, Mar 23, 2013
    Last edited: Mar 23, 2013
  7. Femmeme

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    I can completely relate to the lack of "animal instinct." That's such a good way to put it. I'm really sorry this is such a hard time for you. You and your girlfriend have my deepest sympathies. I have faith that this struggles will make life better for both of you in the long run. hugs
     
  8. Musician

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    Thanks, Femmeme. I goosed the homosexual fantasy today and it felt so right. My girlfriend and I are great friends now. We hope to stay together as friends for a very long time, maybe even build our music careers, finally, now that we are more at peace in our relationships. It just sucks, when I see a beautiful girl, I get excited, but I know nothing will happen.

    Don't get me wrong - if a nice girl asks me to taste her, I won't refuse. I like variety, and since I'm a good chef and good with food, I love exploring that type of thing. But I've learned that in a long-term relationship, it probably will never work :tears:
     
  9. Jeff

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    Did this realization happen slowly fading in on you, or did some switches suddenly flip on, and you knew?

    Your situation seems unique to me, very different from mine. But perhaps if one reads enough about struggles of men coming to terms with their sexuality, your's is not so different than many.

    Having a fully understanding GF is something unique. Even might be able to help you find a great guy, this is a special girl indeed.

    "When I came out Thursday, I realized how much tension I had been holding in my body. I had all this tension in my stomach and genitals, which my therapist constantly noted upon. It resolved upon coming out."

    Tell me about this tension, and how did it appear on the outside of you? Were you frustrated, and people noticed? Mad about little things? Or were you just feeling sick inside, or headaches?
     
  10. Musician

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    It was incredible. I was suffering from severe HOCD for a year, and I was denying my attractions to guys. I thought I was straight because I used straight/lesbian porn my whole life. Everytime I would question or think I was attracted to a guy, whether old, young, ugly whatever, I would freeze on the outside, my thought processes would stop. I was a walking zombie for a year.

    A month ago, during the latest bout of HOCD, which was ongoing pretty much 24/7, including in my dreams, I lost it and got hospitalized for bizarre behavior for a night. I went into therapy, and a month later admitted I was bi/gay.

    So I had suspicions, but it wasn't on any sexual fantasy I ever had. Just somehow, my body knew before my mind, and there was a real disconnect between the two. Now that the two are more in touch, it's easier to deal with. I don't know how much that answers your question. It's kind of hard to describe right now.

    I know we will be great friends. We will do anything for each other, and help each other find great people.
     
  11. Jeff

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    You answered my question as clearly as one can.

    This must be very very hard from you, because you had these intense feelings that would not go away. Being that it then seeped into your dreams - that is pretty strong symptoms, in fact it is horrifying. Your fears being confirmed is a real nightmare. You did not want this to be the answer. Yet it is and you are able to move forward with it and be healthy and sane. It must be good therapy, and a great gf makes the difference.
     
  12. Musician

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    I totally agree.
     
  13. HEREIAM2

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    It sounds like you might be genuinely bisexual (it needn't be a 50/50 thing). I mean the fact that you get turned on and desire to have sex with your girlfriend merely by seeing her shirtless does by all means indicate a fair amount of attraction to females.

    Perhaps you can get her to try to accept your possible bisexuality and not lose her?

    I too see myself as Kinsey-4 as well, however can only emotionally connect to men and whatever attraction to women I have is pretty screwy and dysfunctional. Basically I will only desire to have sex with a very young attractive female....usually one with strong, masculine features (am also turned off by any woman with large breasts) and will have no desire to go near the vagina. Basically I see myself as the inverse of the straight older guy who starts having sex with much younger "pretty boys" because "they are not that different to girls anyway"

    Your relationship with this woman seems totally real and loving. I think you have done an amazing thing by being honest with her. Now you might stand a chance of explaining that just because you have feelings for guys (even if they predominate) the "one" can still be a female and you didn't choose to be bi or gay or whatever.

    If she is comfortable with you sometimes seeing men or even having an arrangement (not sure this can work, just suggesting) with another man (many obviously would be wary of such a thing) your relationship might be saved.
     
    #33 HEREIAM2, Mar 31, 2013
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