I've already talked about my crush K before so I won't go into too much background. I was texting her saying that I'd gotten my license (because she'd wished me luck) and she'd asked me about Saturday because we're going out to the movies on that day. And she apologized her texting me back late and said she was going door-to-door collecting signatures for something. When I asked her what, she started talking about the navy. She'd talked about joining the navy for a long time but I thought she'd gotten over it by now, honestly. I'd try to ignore it for so long because I didn't want to believe she'd really go through with it. But now she's really going to do it. And I don't know what to do. I don't know what that means, I don't know how long she'll be gone for or if she'll die in combat or something. I'm so scared because I've finally found someone I want to spend my life with and she's not even going to be there. I just don't know what to do. We're only just starting to become really close and now we only have a few months. I've heard people say that people in the navy can be away for six months every two years with no contact besides letters and I don't know how to deal with that. And I keep thinking, what if she dies? I don't know what you have to do in the navy but wouldn't she have to go into conflicts? I thought I'd be okay with it but I'm not. I thought nothing would make me feel like I didn't want a relationship with her and I hate to say this but sometimes I feel like this is a dealbreaker. I really want someone to say something reassuring but I don't think there's anything reassuring to say... And then the other problem I'm having with the whole navy thing is...well, I'm feeling really inadequate compared to her. I'm feeling fat even though I know I'm not. She has to work out to meet the fitness requirements but I mean, she goes for runs and lifts weights and does cardio...all that. And she gets up at like five every morning. I'm trying to improve my fitness because I need it for the career I want but I don't do it as much as her. And I certainly don't get up at five every morning. Even without all that, she's going to be serving the country and I'm just going to be at home. But I'm just not interested in joining the navy. I wish I could because then we'd be together all the time but I want a job in a hospital, it's not like I'm going to be a doctor or anything...and I'm only studying next year, she'll be able to work. I feel like she's got so much more of a life than I do. I wish I could be brave like her. I feel like because I'm physically able I should do it too... Ever since she's confirmed that she's going, I've felt a bad urge to cut myself again. I haven't done it since we first started getting close but now it just hurts so much. I mean, it literally hurts. I feel like just letting go...
Aww I'm sorry you are feeling so low. Have you spoken to her about her joining up and what that will mean for your relationship? Are you officially dating? I can understand why it is really upsetting but you just have to try and take a day at a time and work your way through it. It's easy to imagine the worst in scenarios like this and think she might die and of course there is a chance but many people who are in the navy don't die and people get killed in car accidents so you have to try and push that from your mind. Keeping yourself busy with other thoughts will help. It also sounds as though you could do with working on your self confidence, it doesn't matter what job you do or how fit you are those things don't make you a worthwhile person, you can be everything to someone without those things.
Have you considered punching something as an alternative to cutting yourself? It is less harmful. Obviously, do not chose a person or animal, or most living things, but perhaps a punching bag /wavemaster /other implement designed to be hit.
