Hi, bisexual female here!! So I've been casually seeing this guy and we made the mutual decision to have sex. He came over to my place, we were making out and having a good time. He took his pants off and it looked like he was hard but when we tried to put the condom on it wouldn't roll down all the way. It went nearly to the base but not all the way. When he tried to go inside of me he couldn't go all the way in and kept slipping out. Then he went soft and we just gave up. On a side note, he is 16, I'm 17, and we are both virgins so it was more challenging then we anticipated. We tried again a week later and I tried giving him oral beforehand to help and we managed to get the condom on correctly but as soon as it was on he started going soft again. We took it off and I tried touching him and we tried again then just gave up. I have no idea why this happens, but I worry sometimes that I'm not doing something right even though he told me he got nervous the first time but is this a common problem for 16 year old guys? I thought it only happened with older guys?? I'm also scared that he's been watching porn when he isn't with me and now he can only get off from that and not with me....
It's a very common problem for guys who are new to sex and nervous. It's less likely, though possible, that it could be related to his porn habits. The really crappy part is that the inability to keep an erection actually makes it more difficult to get and maintain an erection because the nervousness impacts performance. If you can have open and honest conversation with him, and tell him that you're confident it's just something that will take a bit of time, you aren't concerned about it and he shouldn't be either, and, for the moment, enjoy yourselves in other ways. If you feel comfortable doing so, you could suggest he take the next couple of weeks and masturbate not using porn. If he's used to using porn, it might take a couple of weeks before his brain resets to not requiring the external stimulus, but once it does, that will probably make things easier as well. I think the biggest key here is simply normalizing the experience, not judging it, and letting him know you care about him just as much.
Sex can be more difficult than people often think. Positions, rhythm, maintaining erection, sufficient foreplay etc. can all be tricky to work out... trust me I only started having sex 3 months ago and I've had to work this all out haha. It might just be easier to stick to hand and oral stuff for the first few times as I think that can be less physically demanding. But if he continues to not be able to keep an erection you should suggest going off porn, and also try and focus on making sure you're both relaxed when you do it.
The male has stopped being a participant and has, instead, become a self-spectator...you need to revive the "natural" and "spontaneous" aspects of when and how you have sex.
I have the same problem with condoms. For some reason, when I start opening up a condom my brain loses its damn mind. I stop thinking about the sex and just thinking "please stay hard. Omg faster open this thing up. Ah fuck" over and over. Its the worst and NO amount of "natural" and "spontaneous" thing that my partner does would help because well its not their fault. What worked for me was to get used to the condom outside of sex. I started using a condom to jack off with. At first it was hard and didnt work, but I committed to not jacking off without one. After a while I was able to trick my brain to not freak out when I was about to put on a condom. Don't be afraid of porn in that way. And its most likely not the fault of porn. My husband watched way more porn than me and he has never had a problem with a condom. If his penis is thicker than normal he should also try a magnum condom to start with with himself.
I have the same problem and what is worst is that sometimes I lose the erection even without doing penetration or putting a condom and I’m 20! I also thought of porn as the problem but I think it has to do more with the confidence you have with the other person, usually this happens to me with people I don’t connect fully or I’ve just recently started dating or casual sex. However this is a very common problem according to some friends only that it happens in different ways depending on the person.
