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Having/Raising kids in a same-sex household

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by NonyMouse, May 28, 2020.

  1. NonyMouse

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    Hi everyone,

    I'm mid 20's cis female.
    I've recently been coming to terms with the fact that I'm probably gay. All in all, I'm pretty relieved about it because I could never really picture myself settling down with a guy. But there's one thing that's bugging me; and that's raising kids in a same-sex couple.

    I didn't have a stable family life growing up so I've always wanted to be able to provide that for my kids when I eventually have them. But I'm finding it difficult to picture or accept raising kids with another woman. I don't know, I guess I think a kid needs both a father and mother. (I'm sorry if that offends anyone, I'm not proud of it.)
    As I'm writing this out, I realize that it's probably heteronormativity that's influencing my thoughts here but I'd still like to know; what's it like raising kids in a same-sex relationship? As parents do you feel you're meeting all of your kid's needs? How do your kids feel about it? Do you have other people in your life that play a father/mother figure role in your kid's life?

    I apologize if this offends anyone. That is not my intention at all.
     
  2. LostInDaydreams

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    There are plenty of children living in single patent households and most of them are probably doing just fine. You don’t need a man and a woman to raise children well, and neither is that a guarantee of children being raised well.

    From the children’s perspective, they won’t know any different. Other family members, close friends or teachers can also be good role models.
     
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  3. musicteach

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    The trick is to fill your home with love and encouragement. Rules and discipline, yes, values, too. The truth is, having kids is hard regardless of the parents that are involved. They don’t come with instruction manuals, so you can only kinda guess and hope you’re doing ok. Don’t let your prejudices about having kids — the idea of having a father/mother, etc — destroy the desire for having kids.
     
  4. LostInDaydreams

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    Good points. :slight_smile:

    This probably doesn’t apply to you, but for anyone else that might read this thread - don’t let your desire for having children lead you into a heterosexual relationship. I always knew that I wanted children, but I was never that bothered about the meeting a guy, living together, getting married, etc. part. I ended up in a heterosexual relationship because I thought that was what I was meant to do.

    Also, my previous post should say “parent” not “patent”.
     
  5. Rin311

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    All the research I’ve read on this issue says that what children need In order to thrive is at least one consistent, stable, supporting, parental figure that loves them unconditionally. That character’s sex is not as important.
    A stable and supportive male figure in their lives could be male relatives in the extended family, coaches or religious leaders. Such a family will look different, and function differently, but it can be just and nurturing and psychologically healthy as any “ordinary” heterosexual family (I would have gladly traded the heterosexual family I grew up in with something like that).
    Maybe it’s hard for you to see such a setting working out at the moment. But it will fall into place as you go along. Take care.
     
  6. Quantumreality

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    Hey @NonyMouse ,

    I don't have any children myself, but at 54 years of age, I have multiple God-children. I agree with @musicteach and @Rin311 and I would like to go a bit deeper.

    I don't think that the issue you are dealing with is so much heteronormativitity so much as a desire to "balance" your child's/children's mindset/upbringing/growth with the positive learning input from that "alien" opposite sex.

    I feel VERY strongly that the MOST important thing when raising children is the sense of love and family. That in and of itself will overcome most obstacles that are artificially inserted from the outside (i.e. society). Second, whether or not a child grows up with, in your case, a specific male role model is normally less important. However, such a male role model could be a grandfather, a very close male friend, etc. As long as you expose your children to a community of loving and accepting people (to include people of both genders), I think they will find accepting people who will be there for them if/when necessary.

    But, to me, the bottom line is: Love is Love. So if you take care of yourself, take care of your spouse and focus (together) on loving your children, you will have already done the best that ANY parents can ever do.

    QR
     
  7. Rin311

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    That’s the main issue: love. Nothing is more important than unconditional love and acceptance from one’s parents. Far more important than those parents’ gender or relationship status.
     
  8. Dolley

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    I don’t have advice, but I thought I was the only one struggling with the idea of parenting in a queer household. I still cling to those out-dated gender roles, and that’s something I need to work on! I need to realize the heteronormative standard for a “family” is overrated, and all I need to form my family is love and respect.
    Thanks for making me feel less alone!
     
  9. alma

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    Hi! I really have similar concerns. I also grew up in an unstable home, my father is present but does not cover any of my needs, for me he is almost a stranger and causes me a lot of issues. Sometimes we end a call and I must cry for all the discomfort that talking to him generated. I know he doesn't know anything about this.... But I'm not sure if I'd feel better if he had never been ...

    It causes me a lot of anxiety to think that my children suffer from this discordance, since one day they will know where they come from. I would not know how to approach the issue of paternity, I do not know what is better for them if they look for a donor who is present, or not. It is still too early to think about it but it is something that scares me because having children is my dream.

    I would also like to know some experiences...
     
  10. justinf

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    As a gay guy who just welcomed a baby into our all-male family, maybe I can offer some insight.

    First off, don’t worry about offending anyone. I personally think this is a valid discussion to have, and it sounds like your concerns are about what’s best for the potential child involved, which is never a bad thing to be concerned about.

    I also completely understand that you’re having some doubts. For me, one of the biggest struggles after I’d accepted the fact that I was gay, was letting go of the idea of having a traditional family. I’d always wanted to be a dad, and accepting the fact that that wasn’t going to happen in the way I’d always imagined it would was hard. I didn’t see how having children was an option in a gay relationship, partly because I wasn’t sure if raising kids in a same-sex household was something I wanted. Surely that was not my choice to make for a kid?

    However, the wish to someday start a family persisted, and seeing as my partner had the same wish, I decided I had to reconsider my thoughts on the subject.

    In the end, what I’ve come to realize is what’s most important for a child are things like stability, having a safe place to go, being given opportunities to learn and grow, and above all to feel like they’re loved. Those things aren’t dependent on how many parents they have or what gender those parents are.

    So to answer your question: yes, I’m confident that we are meeting and will continue to meet all of our son’s needs. He will always have a place to call home, he has two parents who both love him very much, and he will have countless opportunities to explore the world and to develop into whoever he wants to be.

    Are other children going to give our son a hard time for having two dads? Maybe. But so will they give kids a hard time for having only one parent, or for not being able to afford “cool” clothes, or for having a stutter. We’ll see it as an opportunity to teach him about love and acceptance, and hopefully that will make him a stronger and more loving person as he grows up.

    The most important thing I think you should take from this thread, like others have said, is to not let your prejudices get in the way of having the family you really want. And of course don’t forget that you’ve only recently even been coming to terms with the fact that you’re (probably) gay, so perhaps this is just too much of a hypothetical situation at the moment, and all you need is some more time to let the idea grow on you.
     
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