Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Jo Hannah, Apr 19, 2021.
Amazing how similar some of our thought processes are. This has literally been going through my mind recently.
As I acknowledged finally I was gay my gay fantasies turned from purely sexual in nature to coming to realize I wanted a romantic as well as sexual relationship with another man. It was something of an eye opener and took a little getting use to. However once I did come to accept that aspect of being gay it all seemed to come together. It cemented the fact that I was most definitely gay and probably had been since the beginning. I was amazed at how quickly I was able to adapt to life as a gay man. It seemed so natural so comfortable so right finally!
People can always go back into denial or rationalize- I did several times, and again, no one can tell you your orientation, but I have seen this pattern now repeated dozens of times on EC.
I can offer this though - looking back, I wish I did it a lot faster - i hung on to a lot of 'excuses' and went down rabbit holes trying to 'fix' it.
I haven't gone as far as you but fear and anxiety aside, every step I take in coming out and beginning a gay lifestyle just feels so natural. For years I wondered why I was so indifferent about dating, and it seemed like a chore, but the thought of dating men makes my heart race!
I realized my heterosexual 'mask' feels like clothes that don't fit and are uncomfortable, where being gay, embracing a real me feels so much more natural.
Looking back I always had a little physical revulsion when we got really intimate. I liked the softness of a woman clothed, but once we were naked I remember feeling grossed out and didn't start to feel 'good ' until we were actually having intercourse - and my mind could go elsewhere. A pivotal moment was when girlfriend performing oral sex and I released I was jealous of what she was doing.
Also looking back, the only part of a woman I looked at sexually was the rear, I actually had an immediate disgust about the front, even clothed if in tight leggings for example. I was 'baffled' why I was seemingly attracted to the 'rear' but couldn't get aroused. Another pivotal moment came when I was attending a dance performance and the men and women were similarly dressed in tights and close fitting tops..I was still in denial and 'trying' to look at the women, but inadvertently looked at a guy's rear and I just began to melt. Then for some reason, I 'allowed' myself to look at his front and never felt so aroused in my life .. I knew I was gay then but couldn't face it.
OP here .. I’ve come a long way with the help of the EC community, my therapist and hypnotherapy. Starting to feel a bit like my old self again, but as the last series of posts show, I also find the idea of forming a relationship with a man difficult. Not impossible, but I don’t think it’s going to be enough. Having known the loving touch of a woman I don’t believe a man is going to be able to do that for me.
I have a Friend with Benefits and haven’t called upon him for a very long time, But I know he probably would be round if he was re invited …. I just don’t think at the moment I should experiment with something casual and I can’t get excited at the prospect.
I haven’t a clue how to go about meeting a woman and also feel like I shouldn’t be experimenting with someone else’s feelings.
So how does a later in life person actually find out about their sexual orientation / without the potential to mess someone else around ?
I feel like I don’t want casual sex, but also want to know how I feel with a man or woman ..
Hey I dont think your question is all that uncommon. In normal times I think my first port of call would be to have a look in your local area and see if there are any LGBT support group or activity groups in your area. In the current times of Covid I'm not sure if these are all up and running so to speak but it is always worth a look. Failing that there is the online world which used in the right way can be useful ,
This show incredible maturity in dealing with your same sex desires. As said by others becoming involved with the LGBTQ community is a way to start to dip your toes into becoming comfortable in exploring your sexuality. Also if and when you meet someone you might be interested in dating be honest about your questioning. I think most gay people understand the questioning aspects of coming to grips with same sex attraction. This is not say that casual sex can’t be fun or sexually fulfilling as long there in honesty involved by both parties. Take your time you’ll work it out.
I had a moment like that when I realized I am .. just not into women..
I am happy for you!
I am interested to hear how hypnotherapy helped!
I had a very similar situation with an old girlfriend /fwb - Once I began to face the idea I was gay, interest in women rapidly faded. I haven't seen it on EC as much with women as I have with men - with gay men it seems to be very rapid fading of interest.
Also though I don't think this is 'OCD' at al - one common thing during acceptance is 'testing' and really I don't think 'testing' can help one way or another. What would be the point of hooking up with the FWB?
The hypnosis has been the best … it’s helped to reduce the trauma and deal with the loss ..
Quite incredible really, it’s not taking away the memory but helps to control the anxiety and overthinking and to accept the changes.
I have had several sessions with various aspects but the one that really helped was the Gestalt empty chair.
This was a session where in hypnosis I imagine 2 chairs i’m in 1 and the other is empty.. I ask the question I really want answered and then I imagine that I am her and I answer the question through her .. it’s strange but really did bring about some very unexpected results and as a consequence I felt like I had some kind of closure in what happened and why she behaved the way she did.
Obviously I can’t say that’s how she really would have answered but it was intense. When I was myself I was emotional, tearful then with the hypnotherapist guidance I shift to being her and all of a sudden the emotional stops i’m angry etc.
all sessions are recorded and I listen again between sessions to reinforce the changes.
We’re working on the inevitable day I see her, ( we live in the same street) .. I’ve put in place all sorts of ways to avoid it this far and actually it’s going to happen unless I leave my home and move so I need to control my response when it does and not be having a panic attack response. The current session was about making my feelings towards her acceptance of the good times but indifference to the here and now, turning down the anxiety response, she’s just another person living in the street of no consequence to my emotional state anymore. I should be able to politely say hello and carry on with my business. there’s various techniques and they are working.
I’ve been to my local pub a few times in the last few weeks and while I haven’t seen her i’ve been able to go through the door prepared for if she’s in there and feeling like I can cope if she is.
Quite a remarkable change for me as I’ve driven out of town to avoid going into any shop/ pub/ restaurant nearby for over a year.
Sounds like an incredible change. I have heard varying success with people and I guess it's about the quality how well you related to the method/.imagery used. I have tried some 'canned' ones with success but others had no effect
- I have thought about trying it with a professional for some lingering shame around sexuality.
Thanks and I am glad you're feeling better!
I would highly recommend it but with a therapist who does Hypnotherapy.. just check the credentials.. Mine is ace as she is a trained therapist as well as hypnotist and also LGBTQ friendly so no negativity around my issues .. She started with a simple therapy style session to understand me and my journey before we did any hypnosis.
I'm really glad you've managed to find some resolution, it sounds like you're on a really positive path...I also wonder how to meet women especially right now with all the Covid restrictions! So you're not alone.
This is exactly how I felt. As I began to accept that I was gay my interest in women faded so rapidly. It does seem this is much more an occurrence with men as they come to terms with their homosexuality. I think that perhaps women coming to terms with being lesbians may be able to fake interest in intimacy with men for a longer period that men can in the same circumstances. All I can say is that very quickly my interest disappeared and very shortly the ability to be intimate physically with a women just simply stopped. No matter what I tried I could not become aroused with my then gf. In reality it’s was a relief. I no longer had to play the role of a straight man.
Since I have accepted myself here, I can no longer have sex with a female FWB. I had one 'relapse' where I asked a woman out on a date and went, and realized I had no sexual interest even though she was attractive.
I remember a feeling that I didn't 'have' to try to look at women anymore. I realized how much energy and effort I was putting into denial even after beginning to come to terms with being gay.
I get that. Before finding EC I thought I was so unique in losing the ability to be intimate with a woman so quickly. However since being here I see that is it fairly common. Also the relief factor of being done with the charade of trying to feel attraction where there was simply none anymore. It is weird and wonderful ride to our true sexuality. I love the fact for me being gay and loving men is just normal now for me.
@out2019 sorry didn't want to hijack this thread but just wanted to say thanks for the wall message but not sure what settings you have on your profile but I can't reply to you. Glad I could help.
OP - so a little update from me as this thread feels a bit like my journey diary !
When I originally reached out to the EC community in April 21 I couldn’t have imagined where I would be just 6 months later !
I took on board the advice in early August to join a online dating site. I started chatting to a lady and was totally honest about my novice territory and my stage of accepting my sexuality.
She knows I can simply identify as not straight, maybe bisexual and more likely lesbian. The reason I describe it that was is because I am not certain myself yet and don’t feel to compelled to label myself just yet. I am completely honest with her about how I feel, we have talked about each others lives at great length.
I get the most crazy butterflies when I hear from her, she lives an hour away so meeting up takes arranging, but we have met up a few times now, and more recently had some intimacy. It wasn’t quite the the same as my 1st same sex experience, as in wasn’t electrifying instantly orgasmic, more of a slow burner. I don’t know if anyone’s ever going to light me on fire the way my former friend did and perhaps that’s was 1st time excitement.
But I like this lady, she’s kind and completely understands where I am at, there’s no pressure from her to come out, even though dating me means she goes semi back into the closet. ( she’s fully out as lesbian)
So for now i’m taking this slow, but wanted to update this thread as it’s been an immensely supportive community here and I wanted to share with you all.
Importantly she makes me smile and I am feeling so much more positive about life than I did when I joined the EC community, she may not be my forever but she is still an important part of my journey.
I know that in time there may be “coming out “. updates from me but for now I’m content to just see how this works out.
Glad to hear things are going so well for you!