It's been over a year since my best friend of 15 years told me that she has been in love with me since an event in 2018, we were really best friends, soulmates I would have said, she was my world. We shared everything, helped raise each others kids, shared holidays, Christmas, other people remarked on how close we were, akin to a relationship without the sex. A lot of people assumed we were maybe more than friends, our kids questioned it, I just dismissed them as not being able to understand a deep friendship because back then, thats what it was. She usually always had boyfriends, long term ones over the 15 years, the last boyfriend she lived with had jealously and control issues so she had quite a bit less time for me and I did feel pushed out and didn't really like him as he was abusive to her, but I also wanted to see her happy. What was once common weekends away became rarer, and then what I refer to as pre covid January 2020 happened. We were away and I simply said how much I had missed her company and then it all came spilling out, drunk in the middle of the night she asked me to kiss her, I was shocked but went with it, and we took it further, next day we joined mutual friends and said nothing of it, and the next night it happens again this was a girls weekend away and the chance to speak about it wasn't until we got home. She backed right off, was cold and controlled the conversation, in hindsight I was in shock, she said it was not a mistake, she meant every word but wasn't about to change her life. Few weeks later she argues with her BF, theres a big drama and she gets me round to her house and I spend several nights supporting her, we made love every night but always after drinking and it was one of the most sensual experiences I have ever had. It felt like real love to me, and my body had never been so alive to another's touch even more so as I wasn't sober. I cant begin to put into words how "right" it felt. I wasn't anywhere near ready to tell the world and she recoiled just as quickly, the BF was pushing to return and she let him back and it wasn’t spoken of again, still hasn't been. A few months later and we both were struggling; jealously I guess on both parts, we tried to behave normally around our group of family and friends. Then we had an argument over her BF which I feel she pushed to cause a breakdown of our friendship; she said some really hurtful things, you cant really take back what she said and I lost my best friend and soul mate. Not only am I absolutely shattered to loose the one person I thought I would never be without but I am left feeling so confused about my own sexuality since and despite it now being over a year ago l can't enjoy the company of a man, I tried a few times, and I can go through the motions and occasionally achieve an orgasm but it's pretty meaningless. The experience with her was something | never thought I would do with a woman, my whole adult life I have never considered a sexual experience with a woman. I always considered myself heterosexual and have a ex- husband and adult children. I used to look away at lesbian scenes in movies, it just never appealed to me. I have been single for a lot of years though. I did grow up a “tom boy” and have a very male skill set but that in my mind was about being one of 4 sisters when my father wanted a boy and treated me like one. Somedays I am pretty angry at her, It feels like she had 18 months to decide to make a move and process how she was feeling and I had a drunken night to decide how to respond, the truth is that 1st time my body responded not my mind. I have researched a lot and would say that I am straight heterosexual but maybe have to consider I am fluid. It's really hard to know if I should try and explore this other side of me and date a woman or stick to a man. I have started to watch lesbian porn but only the loving variety. I don't want to be on my own and want a relationship/ partner. I have always struggled to trust Men and look for problems, but I easily trust my female friends, l am not homophobic and never have been but generally my friendship groups are all straight. I don't generally find women attractive and certainly don't look at my friends that way. But I have started to look at a few female TV characters and appreciate their beauty. I love Suranne Jones in gentleman Jack I find that whole thing tantalising. I can't get past how my body physically reacted to her, how do I ignore that intensity, was this just because I loved her? Was this just a thing I did because of who it was, my best friend who I loved very much and went along with or something she wanted or is it something more? I haven't had to see her since because of Covid but my general anxiety is very high, I dread the day we bump into each other again and am really struggling to just dismiss the whole experience as a series of drunken mistakes. We are in the same town and sooner or later I am going to come face to face it scares me to the point I am wanting to move area. l cant talk to anyone about it as I cant explain it to myself let alone cope with the reactions of those around me, although given how close we were as friends and considering my total heartbreak this year at loosing that friendship in such a hurtful way my nearest and dearest wouldn’t be too surprised if they did know. I am lucky to have a close and easily accepting family. Can I really get to this stage in life and be questioning my whole back story, re examining every sexual interaction I’ve ever had and pulling apart the very core of who I thought I was, is it just that my body reacted to the touch of someone I loved or is it that I am not as straight as I once believed myself to be!