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Having a crush but maintaining a friendship

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by GrumpyOldLady, Jun 20, 2021.

  1. GrumpyOldLady

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    This is probably what I'm going to do, she did reply and I was putting too much pressure on her, she doesn't want to end the friendship but I need to give her some space so that should work out. When I'm honest with myself I do have semi-but-not-quite-buried hopes about romance that I've been trying to suppress, maybe putting some space between us will help me work those out because it's not really an option in this relationship.
     
  2. Mirko

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    It sounds like you have a good way forward. It might take some time to work things out or feel less drawn to her as you might be at the moment, but I am sure as you work on things, things will workout well for maintaining the friendship. :slight_smile:
     
  3. dirtyshirt84

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    I’ve been in this kind of situation before and it can become quite intense and confusing. I think especially if it is your first same sex crush, the feelings can be quite strong. I would agree that it might be good to take a break from talking to her, see how you feel, and hopefully then resume the friendship. You seem like you can communicate quite well with her though, which is half the battle sometimes :slight_smile:
     
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  4. GrumpyOldLady

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    I didn't take a complete break but I backed off quite a bit and continued to reach out to other people. I had a good talk with her the other day and I think my crush on her has been making me interpret things she does and says in a negative way, possibly related to traumatic experiences with female friends in my childhood. I also think a part of me has been interpreting certain signals from her as a sign that she might be feeling the same way which was making it more difficult to let go but to be honest I suspect this is wishful thinking on my part and I'm seeing what I want to see.

    Because I do value this friendship I've been making an effort to deliberately let go of any fantasies and expectations I have and worry less about what she thinks of me. It's a long process but I have seen improvement since I started so I'm hopeful I can do this.
     
  5. Peterpangirl

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    I really feel for you. The feelings sound so strong but you are working hard to manage them and are waiting for them to change over time. That's very painful but you give the impression of being very level-headed about this. I wish you peace and the opportunity to live as your authentic self moving forwards.
     
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  6. GrumpyOldLady

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    I'm still dealing with this...I even googled "how to get rid of a crush" because it's just so painful sometimes but I guess I have to be patient and go through the process.

    It's funny, but since I've backed off a bit we talk less often but I think about her more. We have a shared activity so we interact at least superficially daily, and I've just been trying to be supportive of her in it when I can but I still crave that extra interaction with her. I think this is going to take some time to get over because I fell pretty hard.

    I've thought about talking to her about it but I'm not sure that's a good idea until my emotions settle down a little and I'm sure what my motives are, whether I'm really looking for closure or to apologize for my behavior, or whether I'm still hoping she returns my affections and somehow something will happen.
     
  7. GrumpyOldLady

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    Just wanted to give an update, I started to feel better about things after a few weeks of backing off and dealing with the feelings I was having and letting go of any expectations. I ended up coming out to her in more detail about the things I had been discovering about myself and since she responded in a very supportive manner I told her about my crush. She took it really well and still wants to be friends. I feel a lot lighter now and have a sense of resolution so it all ended well for me and I'm positive I can move on.

    I'm very glad I waited to tell her until I had let it go though because if I had done so when I was still struggling I doubt it would have turned out as well.
     
  8. GrumpyOldLady

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    Another update on this...things were a little bit awkward (for me at least) after I told her but honesty seems to have been the best way to move forward in this particular case no matter how it had turned out. She actually suspected that I had a crush on her before I told her so it didn't really surprise her and I think it was necessary to acknowledge it so that both of us could get some closure and clarity on it. Even if she had responded negatively and decided not to be friends anymore it was the right move I think.

    It's getting easier for me now to distinguish between feelings caused by the crush and feelings of close friendship although it's still a little blurry and I think it might take a little time. The negative feelings still come sometimes but they're easier to face and let go of now because I know where they're coming from.
     
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  9. Bastion

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    I was in the same situation. I had a sort of close friendship with someone within a group. Nothing went beyond friendship. Deep down I think I kind of wanted something a bit more to be honest. But also I didn’t want to lose their friendship. Something also did happen that was not apparent to me at the time. I discovered something about this person that I can’t write here in detail and I didn’t know what to do after because I liked them. In the end I put an end to it. We stopped being in contact. I don’t know sometimes I feel I did the right thing at other times am not so sure.
     
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  10. GrumpyOldLady

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    I've been MIA here for a while because things intensified with my friend in a bad way, it's ended now and I'm feeling drained and exhausted and still trying to process what happened...I'm writing this here not only to work out what happened but also as a warning for those stuck in a similar situation to look for red flags. I'm really glad I have a therapist now because the whole affair took a toll on my mental health.

    I guess my crush was not the primary problem with the friendship, in fact she might not have ever been really a friend to begin with and I was unwilling to see the red flags because I trusted her and wanted to believe her. She turned out to be really manipulative, I don't know if she did it consciously but it seems I'm not the only person that it happened to, others experienced something similar (and I knew she had done stuff to other people but thought it must have been misunderstandings) but I'm the one she spent the most energy on. I'm not really sure what she wanted, she never wanted money or anything like that but I would have spotted that I think. I'm not even sure how many things about her are real.

    The thing is...I have a whole history of DMs to look back on so I can check things, if she had done this to me in person I would have been much more devastated. I also had a couple of people who could validate what I was experiencing and feeling which helped a lot.

    During that intense friendship phase, which lasted for several months, it seemed like she was the friend I'd always wanted, she was supportive and validating, we seemed to have so much in common und understood each other so well...sometimes it was very intimate, we told each other everything and had late night conversations, we'd talk every day and do stuff together and a lot of it was initiated by her. She would even ask if I was OK if I didn't respond for a few hours and she paid attention to when I was online (neither of which were things that I did).

    Then the misunderstandings started, like she thought I was belittling her or bragging to make myself seem better than her and that's not something I'd do so I'd reassure her and things would be ok again. Then she started with the negging, she started to tell me who I was and what I was feeling and there was enough truth in it to be plausible so I figured, well maybe that's how she's perceiving it and there's something wrong with the way I communicate. It was like she slowly turned into a different person, suddenly it was all about our differences, she suddenly disliked things she liked and even initiated before, and she kept projecting more and more negative things and motives onto me - some of which were true or had a grain of truth but others not or seemed to even be things she did, and the longer it went on the worse it got. The person I liked came back often enough for me to keep trying, but it got really stressful because I never knew how she'd react, or if I'd say something she'd take exception to weeks later, and any time I tried to address it she'd turn the blame back onto me, and I was the one doing most of the apologizing and making a lot of effort to be the friend I thought she wanted.

    I think a few times she even deliberately tried to provoke a response, for instance l felt like she was replacing me with a new friend and she would sometimes flaunt it, or make leading questions to see how hooked I was on her. She knew me well enough to press my buttons but the provocations were subtle enough that I would dismiss them and I usually didn't react because I thought I was just imagining things (which much have driven her crazy lol). Every time I tried to bring up the problem with the misunderstandings she'd turn it around on me and make it into my problem, like I was expecting too much or being unreasonable. She got onto this thing that I was demanding too much time and attention from her, but the less I asked for, even normal expectations from someone I considered a friend, the more insistent she got.

    In the end her version of me morphed into a person who had little to do with who I was, and the provocations grew really intense and she was deliberately cruel to the point that it was almost abusive, and even taunted me for having an emotional reaction. So I'm done with her now, and in fact I'm not sure if I can trust anyone from our immediate circle because I knew she's probably told her version and she can sound so reasonable and charming and caring, if I told mine it would sound crazy, or like I just wanted revenge or was obsessed with her--which I kind of was at the end because of all the uncertainty and emotion involved. Some of the things I'm thinking do seem pretty far-fetched, like I think she was using her "new" friend sometimes to provoke me just like I suspect she might have used me sometimes to provoke someone else, but who would believe that? I actually care about her new victim because I consider her a friend, and wish I could warn her somehow but she's too much in her thrall and doesn't want to hear it.
     
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  11. SamTheMikanSimp

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    I can relate to you mostly me and my crush are friends still even after I confessed this must be extremely difficult to go through and I get how you feel and to not seem creepy is maybe not bring the crush up too too much unless she has feelings for you it is normal to have feelings for friends sometimes and when you realize that you do and you're in a relationship it's best to let the relationship go so it's not one sided I do hope things work out for you