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Have you ever felt suicidal because if being gay?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by JToivonen, Jun 12, 2019.

  1. Lek

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    I'm sorry but "redirect sexual orientation" sets up a big red flag for me. It is another word for conversion therapy. Can I ask is this "treatment" your choice?

    I'm glad you are are seeing a psychologist and psychiatrist. May I suggest that you may need treatment for depression? I've learned over time that whenever I start having suicidal thoughts, I've let depression go untreated too long.

    Please keep us updated on how things are going for you.
     
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  2. Nic2552

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    Trust me at the end of the day... YOU will look back and “ thank yourself “ MOST of us were in your situation LITERALLY. we had to do what’s best for our own self and the other person ( boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife ) and that’s breaking up with them , I know RIGHT NOW it may seem hard, like the end of the world, depressing but living in misery is worst...and toxic for the both of you... she will learn to adapt and survive.. trust me when it comes down to learning to survive.. we are human creatures it will happen.. so stop feeling bad for yourself and make the right move to make yourself happy..sorry if I sound mean.. but in the moment it will feel wrong and it will be pressure but you just got to go for it and end it.. but make sure your financially good and have a place to go to once you end things... it be rough but good at the end..
     
    #22 Nic2552, Jun 13, 2019
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  3. brainwashed

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    Weak & tired.....caused by stress. The solution is easy. Exercise.

    Site quietly in a chair, in a quite room, with low light. Concentrate on your sternum. When your thoughts wonder, come back to your sternum. Do this for 5 to 10 minutes. Oh ya and dont forget to breath deep. Slow deep breaths.
     
    #23 brainwashed, Jun 14, 2019
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  4. nerdbrain

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    This is an incredibly difficult position to be in. You feel like you have to make an impossible choice: harming someone you love or never living your true life. It's no wonder you want to escape.

    I've had suicidal thoughts myself, when I was in deep depression. I started planning how I would do it, but that made me scared. That would be admitting that I'm totally stuck and helpless. And it would devastate my family. So I've ruled it out as an option.

    If you are still thinking about suicide, that means you're still looking to escape instead of dealing with the problem directly. As you can see from all the people on EC, coming out to your spouse and living your life is possible. It is difficult and it will be painful, but many people have done it.

    The first step is to decide that escape is not an option. Then give yourself a little space and compassion. Start making a plan, don't just dive in carelessly. You are in the right place.
     
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  5. JToivonen

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    Thank you for your words, @SevnButton ! They really made me feel special! In the sense that I belong here, that people here understand what's like to be who and how I am. You guys no my pain because you've been there too.

    So, once again, thank you!
     
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  6. JToivonen

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    That's exactly it, escaping. I don't feel like dying because I don't enjoy life. It's quite the opposite. I feel like dying because I have to face a very, very difficult choice and I'm afraid it'll be impossible for me to live fully.

    I've been diagnosed with depression too. But you know what's funny? I somehow have a sense that, if I come out to the world today, my depression would end just like that. Maybe it's just an illusion...I don't you know.Have you ever felt that way?
     
  7. JToivonen

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    Yes, I've been diagnosed with depression and I'm in treatment.

    Regarding this new therapist... I have an appointment with her in less than two hours. It'll be my first. So I don't know what's going to happen. I was told it's not "gay cure" or anything alike, but I'll ask her a lot of questions before saying anything. I won't accept to be treated like someone with mental issues regarding my sexuality.

    My sister offered to pay for the treatment and for the travel expenses. She's a Christian (just like everyone else in my family), so I suppose she has some hope of "ungaying" me.

    Anyway, I'll keep you updated. Thanks for caring about me!
     
  8. JToivonen

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    You're right, it's hard. So, so hard. Hard doesn't even start to cover it. Last time we talked about it, I told her she needed to be realistic and face the fact that we may end up separating and that'd be the best for both of us. She said nothing, but it looked like as if punched her in the guts.

    I have some options to go in case I leave my marriage. Money wouldn't be much of a problem either, since I'm the main provider of the house anyway. Of course I'd provide to her too, I don't want to put her in an harsh financial position. I'm aware my living standards would fall. But, honestly? I don't care that much about money. I'd rather live poorer, but fuller and happier.
     
  9. Unsure77

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    For meditation, when I first came out to myself and was struggling and basically hating on myself, I had a friend recommend Metta (Lovingkindness) meditation. You sit quietly for 10 minutes and repeat the phrases “May I be safe. May I be happy. May I be healthy. May I live with ease” over and over slowly. Even if you don’t feel it, it’s ok, just keep saying it. And if your mind wanders, that’s ok. Just being yourself back and start saying it again. It helped me quite a lot and sort of became something I could do when I got upset or angry or started to feel out of control.

    There’s also a book by Sharon Salzberg called “Lovingkindness Meditation” on it that also just that has a lot of good life and perspective advice in general that helped me when I had first come out and was angry at myself and freaked out. Just what it’s worth. I’m not sure I’m out of the woods yet, but it got me to a better place when I badly needed it.
     
    #29 Unsure77, Jun 15, 2019
    Last edited: Jun 15, 2019
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  10. SevnButton

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    I hope this will be useful. This morning it just kind of made sense to me why suicide is a non option. If you feel trapped because you can't bear the pain it causes your loved ones for you to be fully out, you'd be causing them way, way, way more pain by killing yourself. On the other hand if you're not that worried about their pain and you know they can endure, then you're not really trapped!

    But it's not really that simple because the other part of the puzzle is the intense, sometimes unbearable feelings you have. That's what friends, in person and on-line, and professional counselors are for.

    I'm cheering for you, friend! Good luck!

    Big hugs,
    =Sevn
     
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  11. SevnButton

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    I believe strongly in the power of meditation. For a while I would use my meditations to make wishes. After calming down and getting centered, I would say things like, I wish for serenity. I wish for laughter, and to share it with others", then repeat it as long as I felt like it . Within a few days of saying that in a meditation, I had a good, deep, sincere laugh with someone. Then I paused for a moment and realized my wish had come true.
     
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  12. smee

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    I've lived with depression at least since I was about eight years old, but by far the most pressure and the worst I ever felt was when I was trying to be a good parent and partner during a difficult marriage and extremely emotional divorce. I used to get migraines and wake up at night thinking of how I could be there for the kids and my ex, not to mention the suicidal thoughts when things were bad.

    The beautiful thing is how well things worked out for everyone after it was all over. We don't have the possessions that we though we might and the kids didn't go to the best schools, but each of us is now free to live lives more like how we would choose, and we are all happier for it.
     
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  13. JToivonen

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    I keep trying to think that way...that everything is going to work out for the best, not only for me, but for everyone involved. But sometimes it's so, so scary that I think it won't really happen. But then sometimes I do...and then feel like dying again...or just vanishing from existence...lots and lots of ups and downs...
     
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  14. JToivonen

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    Thanks for the support and the cheering!

    My rational side tries to see things that way. And it helps, really, because it brings me some sanity, which I'm badly lacking right now.

    I keep having outbursts, either of anger, crying or deep sadness.

    One of the things that keep me from killing myself is that I care so deeply about my wife that I know if I killed myself, she'd think it was her fault. And then her life would be even more miserable. And people, in one way or another, would blame her for my death. She'd probably do the same. So I don't want to do this to her.
     
  15. LostInDaydreams

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    I’ve had moments when I didn’t want to exist anymore, or not wanted to wake up the next day. I wouldn’t have acted on it (because of my daughter), but it felt really hard just exist, let alone do anything productive. I found it would pass after a few hours, and then I’d just feel generally low.

    It wasn’t really a result of my sexuality, more that being in a long term, emotionally abusive relationship, with little job security and no assets, made it seem like a hopeless situation. I felt trapped in misery, with no way out and every attempt to leave failing.

    It does get better. Small steps. It’s a lot to process.
     
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  16. smee

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    I hear you. My divorce was bad enough for me (for all of us really.) I was basically in denial during the marriage, and I retreated further into denial during the divorce. In a perverse way this may have made it easier for me, though it probably made things a lot more aggravating for my ex.

    The things that did help me were that I was in therapy (The whole family was; there was more going on than just my issues); I had a good lawyer who could fight but was mature enough to know that she didn't need to (I suspect that both lawyers worked together when the two of us were unable to), and, as much of a loner as I was at the time, I did have one or two friends who I could talk with.


    This jumped out at me while I was reviewing the thread. I wonder if it would help to look at this difficult decision as the moment where you can live fully. Of course it's difficult, that's why it is frightening. That also means that it is an opportunity to be brave, and it seems to me that your heart is in the right place.
     
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  17. JToivonen

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    That's my ultimate hope. For things to get better. I'm aware I'm the only one who can do this and that's within my reach but, still, it's frightening.
     
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  18. JToivonen

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    That one of the things that encourages me, honestly. To know that this moment of bravery will mean, hopefully, that my pain will be mostly gone. But I still have a thread of hope that makes me clutch onto my marriage - a hope that I'll be able to overcome all this and live fully with my wife. It's so hard to let it go!

    As I said, I'm currently with depression and battling it with pills and therapy. But I have this strange feeling that, once I separate, come out and start living openly, my depression will vanish and so will the need to take pills. Does it make sense to you guys? Is it reasonable for me feel that way?
     
    #38 JToivonen, Jun 17, 2019
    Last edited: Jun 17, 2019
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  19. smee

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    This is entirely my personal opinion, so take it with a grain of salt, but that almost strikes me as being a huge, almost philosophical, question, not to mention that the pills may simply help even in good times.

    Perhaps this could be thought of as a path?
     
  20. JToivonen

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    Sorry, I didn't quite get it...what exactly could be thought as a path?