I came out to my mom today as trans. It was more like over a meal at a restaurant she just decided to question my intense transitioning over the past few months before school started. She seemed shocked and startled by the casualness at which I approached all male things, and the longing looks I gave the male section. I told her I didn't like girl things and I liked when she teasingly called me her son when I got short hair. I enjoyed it. That was a long time ago when I told her that. And now I openly explained what I want my future self and life to be. She took it quietly and with seriousness. For starters I'm free to be as male as I want to be and I can wear a tux to prom. I guess, it's sorta great to have that freedom?? But..at what cost? I'm kinda confused honestly..she acts like she's totally disgusted with me and the person I want to be, but I also think she was upset about it, like in a sad way..I don't know. It's weird, because she loves having me around, but can't stand me as a person and I can't stand her either, but we care for one another?? It's really complicated, honestly. I feel kinda hurt..that she thinks me being trans is so harmful and disgusting and that I'm humiliating her..I didn't mean to make people think badly of her, I just wanted to be myself, because it hurts, if I'm not me and she's my mom, isn't she supposed to protect me when they talk bad about me? It's causing me some sadness and anxiety at coming out to others, because I have to deal with her mocking and disgusted responses. Honestly..she makes me feel ashamed and like crying..I'm not big on emotion, I usually block it out and take care of it later on like by listening to music. But, this really bothers me. I didn't want to fully come out to her in the first place, as I knew this cold, openly cruel environment was waiting for me when I did.. She doesn't seem to notice how much happier I am..all she sees and can say is how wrong it is and dangerous. But..I already knew how dangerous it was. I spent 5 years deciding how lost I was without being me. Living each day with her judging looks and her violent temper..living in fear. When all I wanted was a loving acceptance and when I finally let my happiness overrule my fear..she can't even stand to look at me anymore. I'm really scared lately too, I wish she could be there for me. I'm worried I won't get to be the man, I always was, soon enough. Also, I'm scared that I will and everyone will hate me. It's difficult being myself, being happy when I see how sad it makes everyone else. Not to mention I've been through a lot of abuse from peers and strangers..not from being trans, and I don't respond well to angry outbursts, or yelling. It triggers me and sends me to a place I don't want to be. I've always enjoyed making other people happy and smile, I've been their joy oftentimes. It's really hard for me to not flee into hiding at their anger as it frightens me..I fear for my safety and my life. It's really hard for me not to be hurt by their sadness. I keep saying I'm still here, but no one seems to notice..