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Hate within my own home..?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by DreamerAsh, Aug 10, 2018.

  1. DreamerAsh

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    197
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    Location:
    Oklahoma
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I came out to my mom today as trans. It was more like over a meal at a restaurant she just decided to question my intense transitioning over the past few months before school started. She seemed shocked and startled by the casualness at which I approached all male things, and the longing looks I gave the male section. I told her I didn't like girl things and I liked when she teasingly called me her son when I got short hair. I enjoyed it. That was a long time ago when I told her that. And now I openly explained what I want my future self and life to be. She took it quietly and with seriousness. For starters I'm free to be as male as I want to be and I can wear a tux to prom. I guess, it's sorta great to have that freedom?? But..at what cost?

    I'm kinda confused honestly..she acts like she's totally disgusted with me and the person I want to be, but I also think she was upset about it, like in a sad way..I don't know. It's weird, because she loves having me around, but can't stand me as a person and I can't stand her either, but we care for one another?? It's really complicated, honestly. I feel kinda hurt..that she thinks me being trans is so harmful and disgusting and that I'm humiliating her..I didn't mean to make people think badly of her, I just wanted to be myself, because it hurts, if I'm not me and she's my mom, isn't she supposed to protect me when they talk bad about me? It's causing me some sadness and anxiety at coming out to others, because I have to deal with her mocking and disgusted responses. Honestly..she makes me feel ashamed and like crying..I'm not big on emotion, I usually block it out and take care of it later on like by listening to music. But, this really bothers me. I didn't want to fully come out to her in the first place, as I knew this cold, openly cruel environment was waiting for me when I did..

    She doesn't seem to notice how much happier I am..all she sees and can say is how wrong it is and dangerous. But..I already knew how dangerous it was. I spent 5 years deciding how lost I was without being me. Living each day with her judging looks and her violent temper..living in fear. When all I wanted was a loving acceptance and when I finally let my happiness overrule my fear..she can't even stand to look at me anymore.

    I'm really scared lately too, I wish she could be there for me. I'm worried I won't get to be the man, I always was, soon enough. Also, I'm scared that I will and everyone will hate me. It's difficult being myself, being happy when I see how sad it makes everyone else. Not to mention I've been through a lot of abuse from peers and strangers..not from being trans, and I don't respond well to angry outbursts, or yelling. It triggers me and sends me to a place I don't want to be. I've always enjoyed making other people happy and smile, I've been their joy oftentimes. It's really hard for me to not flee into hiding at their anger as it frightens me..I fear for my safety and my life. It's really hard for me not to be hurt by their sadness. I keep saying I'm still here, but no one seems to notice..
     
    AlexJames likes this.
  2. AlexJames

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Texas
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    Other
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I'm sorry that you have to deal with this. You're right she should love and protect you, she's your mother. Idk if its any consolation but you aren't alone. I expect hatred and disgust from my mom too. We all love and accept you here. And i'm learning that there's lots of people in our younger generation that will love and accept you too.
     
    DreamerAsh likes this.
  3. Kodo

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 27, 2015
    Messages:
    1,655
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    711
    Location:
    Northern California
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    You said you're free to express your masculinity and wear a tux to prom. Those are really big positive steps. And your mother could have taken the news much worse. I don't say this to downplay what your'e going through, only to remind you to see the positive side of this.

    Coming out is an adjustment for everyone. It's really hard for parents to let go of their image of you and all the dreams that went with it. I remember how my mother would long for me to be feminine. She even saved her wedding dress for her daughter to maybe wear again one day. Hearing her say things like that broke my heart. On the other hand there was my dad. I was his "little girl" and it wrecked him when I came out as trans. How my parents responded to the news was with intense grief. After I came out my dad never looked at me the same. My parents and extended relatives would go out of their way, and still do, to remind me of "the girl I used to be." They're still hoping I will change my mind and detransition.

    Family relationships during transition are complicated. Just try to focus on anything positive or hopeful. I know it's hard right now. It's easy to feel like you've let people down or aren't good enough. But you are enough. And you living as the man you are supposed to be is the right thing to do. In time, the people who truly love you will come around. But it takes time, sometimes years for that to happen. Stay strong and always keep fighting. We at EC all love and support you every step of the way. You're not alone.
     
    DreamerAsh and Hanyauku like this.
  4. Hillary B

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2017
    Messages:
    187
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    47
    Location:
    uk
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight but curious
    Out Status:
    A few people
    It is humbling to read this thread. Mind you if I came out to my parents etc the surprise level would be off the scale I guess. Anyway great bravery shown here.