Has the ship sailed?

Hi EC land! Always good to be here!

I just wanted some different perspectives on coming out to my mother as I tend to get in my head in back and forth arguments about it, recently more often than not, likely due to a big life change coming up. Sorry in advance for how long this is!

While I've commuted back and forth for a few months to different countries for my work over the last three years, I will be moving more or less permanently (at least for a few years) to another country for both a new job and to continue my education (1 year master's). It's exciting and I'm happy, but it's making me agonise a bit with this one loose end.

Over the past three years, I've slowly come out as a lesbian to mostly everyone I know, including family. Not one person I've ever come out to has been shocked (I wrote my female teacher in year 5 love notes for crying out loud). I've radically changed from being a miserable, unhealthy person to a very happy and healthy one. I started to dress and act the way I wanted (i.e., more "masculinely," not ever wearing a dress again or caring what a man thinks about me). I'm with an amazing woman who I love a lot and can see myself being with for a long time.

The happier and more at home I have felt in myself, the more I've watched my mother become miserable and bitter towards me for "how I present myself to the world." Before coming out, I did everything she really wanted me to do, even at the expense of my happiness and well-being. I went into a master's programme I didn't want to, worked in a field I hated, dated men I didn't like, and dressed femininely. She witnessed me become incredibly depressed for four years and gain 43kg. I hated myself and my life. Aside from the weight gain as that "ruined my looks," she was happy because I was doing what she wanted. But now I'm clearly happier with who I am, have a career I want, lost the weight I gained and am the healthiest I've been since uni days.

My mother is very Catholic, very homophobic, and despite being a doctor, views homosexuality as a disease. As I've started to "look gay," she now finds the need to regularly bring up gay people and call them "disgusting queers and f**s" etc. and that's she's happy that "nobody in her family has that disease, otherwise she would take them to conversion therapy." About two years ago, I shaved my head into an undercut and she kicked me out of her house because "people will think you're a big scary dyke." One time, just as I was figuring everything out, she asked if I was gay and I said no because I was scared and unsure. She's never asked since, but if she did I would say yes. I don't make any effort to hide who I am and regularly post photos with my girlfriend on social media (I've put my settings so that mam can't see much). Today, she said that "people tell her not to look at her daughter's pictures because she won't want to see what's in them." I feel like it's obvious that she knows, but she doesn't want to know. It's like that old American military policy of "don't ask, don't tell."

I'm an only child and try to do all I can do be a good daughter. I've never gotten in trouble and always do things for her. I worked hard in school and all the rest of it. Mam is 68, lives alone, is depressed, and doesn't make much effort at a social life. I am basically her social life. My aunt continually tries to talk to her about gay people in a positive way, which always gets rebuffed. My godmother has told her multiple times that she thinks I'm gay (she already knows) to which mam answers, "but she dated a man once so she can't be." Our relationship has become pretty toxic and has gone really sideways. Always tension. Always concern for what others think of me.

I don't want to lose my mother. I don't have a father and we used to be really close. She generally has the attitude toward gay friends of hers that she, "accepts, but doesn't approve." I am 99% sure that if I come out that there will be a massive blowout and that she won't speak to me for many years, if ever again. My aunt always tries to say that it eventually would be okay, but I just don't know that. Everyone else in my family is 100% okay with it and said they will support me no matter what. But that's not the same as your mother, you know? I want to have a relationship with her, but not one that is shrouded in secrecy and mystery where I don't tell her anything about my life. It really sucks at the minute to just pretend I have no social life and get angry when she asks me to go put on a dress and date a man.

The other, much more minor, issue is that I borrowed money from her in order to move out on my own (see above about being kicked out) and am slowly paying her back. She is the one who offered though, and I declined multiple times until she pressured me to take it. My fear is that if I come out, she will demand it all back, and I don't have it right now. I'm 29 and work, but it will take me some years to manage this. Mam is quite punishment motivated, removing people from her will and life who upset her. This is going to sound really stupid and petty, but I also would like to still inherit my family's working farm that's been in the family for generations and continue that legacy -- working the land and with the livestock has always been part of my life and been important. I know if I come out, she will ban that from happening. Moreover, I'm still working my way up in my career and I worry that if something bad happened, I would have to come crawling back for help (anxiety sucks). This is less important to me, but something I still think and worry about.

In some ways, I feel like I've missed the boat. It's been years of secrecy and hiding. Everyone else knows and she's the last one in kind of a "emperor's new clothes" scheme. I feel in some ways that the ship has sailed on talking about it and I should just put up with this bizarre setup we have. I should have just ripped the plaster off and done it in the beginning.

Now that I am with someone who I could see being with a long time, maybe getting married to and having kids with, I feel at a loss. I want my mother to be a part of that. It's recently made me sad to go to weddings and seeing other people with their mothers happily involved, knowing mine will want nothing to do with me after she has to acknowledge who I am.

As I've discussed with my aunt, there really is no good time to come out. I feel like I need to take care of this before I go, but I would like to enjoy the last three weeks living in the same country as her and spend time with her. Telling her at Christmas would ruin the holiday for her, and I would hate that. Sometimes I think with her comments that she's trying to get me to say it, but why not just ask outright? I really do think she knows and she's avoiding the obvious because she is so Catholic and worries so much about what others may say/think (which, is dumb because all of her friends are fine with it).

Here are some thoughts I've had about it:

1. Come out to her a few days before I leave. Pros: My aunt has offered to come do it with me, and I think that may be a good thing and it takes care of it before I go; Cons: I clearly won't get to spend my last few days with her without fighting
2. Tell her over the phone once I'm gone. Pros: Gives her the space to deal with it on her own; Cons: I can't check to make sure she's okay
3. Write a letter to her. Pros: Takes the guess work out of figuring out a good time to do it; Cons: I can't see her reaction and she may view it as disrespectful
4. Never say anything and do this weird hiding thing that's currently happening (not really an option, but tempting lol)

I have a lot of anxiety when it comes to thinking about actually doing it. But it does need to be done, I know.

So, any thoughts as to 1) how I best go about this, and 2) how I accept the fact that I may lose her forever?

I know that it's always scary to come out, but just something about this is making it so hard. Thanks, very much appreciate it!