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Has anyone regretted their decision?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by mrpeach, Jul 22, 2017.

  1. ShortButSweet

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    I don't regret coming out and ending my marriage, I do regret causing my husband so much pain and heartache. It's still early days for me but already I feel more at peace with myself than I ever have. I hope in time you get to feel the same whichever choices you make.
     
  2. mrpeach

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    Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to reply to me by sharing your own personal narratives and experiences. It does offer me the slightest bit of comfort in knowing I'm not alone.

    I'm just so sick of it. I'm so sick of not knowing what I am; I'm sick of the see-sawing that occurs hourly. At times, I have fleeting moments of clarity in which I believe I've come to a conclusion of my identity.....then an hour later the doubt bulldozes any security I had and makes me question everything again.

    I'm afraid....very afraid of the unknown. As I mentioned, I haven't been with a man in any capacity. How do I know if I would even enjoy it? Would I enjoy sex with a man? Would I be able to form an emotional connection with a man? I don't want to divorce from my wife over an unknown...over a possibility. What if she and I do separate and I realize that I'm not interested in men sexually? I would have lost the truly single greatest thing that has ever happened to me. This is why I'm so frustrated, stressed and terrified.

    I hate this. I hate this so much. I just want it to all go away.
     
  3. mrpeach

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    Thanks for your reply, Nimmer. You bring up many interesting points. My wife is not ok with open relationships...and to be honest, the only way I'd be ok with it would be if both of us were given the opportunities to explore. But that's the key, isn't it? I have no idea if I would even enjoy sex with men without trying it, but doing so would require us splitting up. I hate the idea that an incredible relationship (like you said) would HAVE to be sacrificed merely because one aspect (sexual orientation) is the issue. But....it is a pretty big issue. Sex is only one component of our relationship; it's certainly never been the foundation for it. But my wife has understandably stated that without physical intimacy with her husband, we're really nothing more than glorified roommates. I do see her point.

    I think what she and I need to do is find a couple's counselor that specializes in this particular niche. She and I are merely carrying on as if nothing is amiss....which can be great having that normalcy, but at the same time the giant elephant in the room is being ignored. I've been seeing my own therapist, but perhaps it's time for my wife and I to see one together.
     
  4. leb10

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    I think couples counseling is a really good idea. A lot of people go hoping that it will save the relationship but sometimes it gives you perspective and a way to figure out how to end it. Good luck to you guys whichever way you choose. Hopefully you get a bit of mental peace taking another step forward. I'm in the exact same boat and it sucks so badly. Everything feels like quicksand. At least we're all here for each other!
     
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  5. Searching1

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    @mrpeach I am so sorry and I relate to your struggles incredibly much. I am in the exact same situation.. maybe a half step ahead. The going back and forth is intense and it is so hard to know. I am still terrified that I would end everything good in my life for a possibility of not even being gay. My husband is heartbroken and I'm weak moments I think I'm just crazy. But this week I am finally pretty confident I'm flat out gay. It has been a messy couple months of going back and forth. I agree with leb10 that couples therapy is a good idea. We started yesterday for the first time. I was apprehensive as I was afraid the therapist would only work to make us stay married, but it was quite the opposite. My husband and I now both agree a break may be the best option. He is accepting this all as so much more real now.

    Hang in there and know you are not alone!
     
  6. mrpeach

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    Thank you so much, Findingmyself1. Hanging in there has been extremely difficult and heartbreaking, as you can attest. I'm very happy to hear that you sought therapy together. I do think now that it's the better thing for us to try. Ugh....the timing couldn't be more agonizing. This coming week is our 5th wedding anniversary. Above all else I feel so guilty and so much self-hatred that I'm causing (and could possibly cause even more) pain to her and our families. She doesn't deserve any of this. With all the see-sawing my thoughts have been doing, I find myself frequently imagining our future together, and it makes me smile: imagining us renovating our house and making it our own, imagining future family get togethers and vacations, imagining starting a family and become amazing parents together, imagining us both growing old together. Breaks my effing heart to think that the life we both wanted and promised with each other could be nothing more than a dream.

    I wish you the best of luck, and if you are so inclined, please share your progress. Your story (like many others here) does give me hope. I cannot thank you enough for what you do and for your courage.
     
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  7. justaguyinsf

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    Based on what you've written and my personal experiences of having been married to a woman and also diving into the gay world, I think you should commit to doing everything you can to save your marriage, which as others have said should involve couples counseling and probably some individual counseling for yourself if you feel it would help. Do that for a year and see how things are when that year is up. I think you should stop thinking of this situation as coming down to a decision that you have to make on your own and in a vaccuum about how you are going to define your sexuality, and instead see this as a multi-faceted situation involves decisions, options, and compromises for both you and your wife equally. I think both you and your wife would have greater clarity if you commit to doing this together for a year and seeing what happens during that period.
     
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  8. Searching1

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    My gosh we are in similar situations. I brought this all up to my husband (a little unplanned) a few days before our 5 year anniversary. Our anniversary was raw and scary.. there were so many tears but we also embraced our time together. It has been a couple months since then. We have already grown so much together in accepting this new realty. None of it is easy. I too value my spouse so much and I truly do not know if I could ever find someone so genuine who loves me so much. Once the dialogue opened between us and we were in this crisis together, we have been able to go through it together. It has brought us closer in our appreciation for each other. But it truly has been a scary ride for him.

    Take your time, though you may be ready to share with your wife if you feel you are keeping a huge secret. That alone creates a wall between you. It won't be easy for her to hear, and it does change everything. But you can begin a true path of figuring this all out once you include her on what you are going though.

    I completely agree with the feeling of the loss of the life you always wanted. It's like my life is slipping away- everything I thought would be. Living in our dream home, having more kids, family vacations. It is so so hard. But in the end if I truly believe I am gay, I know that true passion and satisfaction while living an authentic life will bring me fulfillment. I just haven't fully admitted yet.. I'm holding on to the possibility of being wrong. The true path will present itself if you are open and allow yourself to explore this.

    I will continue updating! I hope to see your updates as well.
     
  9. Choirboy

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    I haven't had any regrets, but I will say that by the time I came out, it was with the specific intention of ending a marriage that had become unhealthy for us and our kids. While I always knew I was attracted pretty much exclusively to guys, I also had dreams of a big, happy family with lots of kids and a loving relationship full of respect and understanding. My ex-wife was very good at making things just good enough that I was convinced that the problem was me, not her, despite many people pointing out to me that she had some major emotional issues. I was ready to divorce her when our youngest was just a baby, but between her manipulation and my genuine fear that I would lose all contact with my children, I stuck it out for another 10 or 12 years, thinking all the while that eventually SHE would leave to escape all the dissatisfaction she kept telling me felt with me. Eventually I felt like I had to make a move to end it, and came out to her as a kind of trump card to convince her that there was no continuing the relationship. And even at that, it took until I fell in love with someone out of the blue to fully convince her, and I was still the one who initiated all the proceedings.

    But if she and I had actually been compatible and the relationship hadn't been so unhealthy, would I have had regrets? I'd tend to think so, because what I wanted first and foremost was a relationship, and while I would have preferred a guy, I really just wanted to love someone who loved me back. We all have things we could live without if we had to. The relationships I saw growing up never seemed to be as much about attraction and sex as about partnership and respect, and I suspect I would have been satisfied with that, even if the sex dwindled down to nothing.

    I CAN tell you my relationship with my partner is everything my relationship with my wife was not, and I'm happier than I ever expected to be. No regrets whatsoever. And starting over after the 20 years with her, I would never have considered dating anyone but another guy, but I didn't split with her so I COULD date a guy. It was for my own self-respect and because the relationship was unhealthy. But I think that if we had a HEALTHY relationship, and I broke up with her for the sole purpose of living life as a gay man, then I suspect I WOULD have felt a fair amount of regret at ending the marriage.
     
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  10. mrpeach

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    Thank you for your insight, @justaguyinsf. i believe you're right: i do want me and my wife to work out. I will look into finding a couples counselor. She has already expressed a willingness to seek therapy together, which I appreciate. You're the first person I've "spoken" to about my situation that has offered such a unique perspective: that this is a multifaceted decision with several options and compromises vs. me making a decision on my own. I need her right now; just as she needs me. We talked in bed a few nights ago, and we both cried over this situation. She told me how she just can't imagine life without me. Broke my effing heart to hear her utter those words. I've always known she's felt that way, but hearing her say it in the context of sadness over losing me forever just destroyed me.
     
  11. kendra1982

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    you poor thing this sounds like such a hard predicament to be in. im a female in my 30s and was always straight dating guys wanted the "perfect" life etc. i got messed around by so many males last year that i jokingly said to myself fuck it ima become a lessie. started talking to a girl who i knew was a lesbian and who i thought was hot. suddenly it was a whirlwind of emotions and crazy thoughts after i had a few drinks and kissed her. we bonded and got on so well and had major sexual chemistry. in the begining i said to friends no i dont want to touch her down there or do that kind of thing. but a couple of weeks later bam i was all in and loved it. our sex is something i have never expereinced or thought was possible. same as how i feel about her. here comes the point that you will understand. i still do miss the "normality" of being a attractive girl dating a attractive guy and feeling "normal" i miss some things about guys dating a guy but i wouldnt change anything. for me i dont class myself as a lesbian or anything. if anything were to happen with me and my gf i think i would go back to guys just becuase females are harder than males to be in a relationship with. i personallty think it comes down to the person who you are with. you might meet a guy and it doesnt work but the next one might. goodluck
     
  12. findingjoy

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    justaguyinsf is one of the most truly open minded people here, I am not married but it sounds like sound advice. Sex doesn't have to be the primary driver of how you live your life.

    It took a lot for me to come out and I am single, so I don't know what you're going through but it's got to be harder than what I did. I read so many people in happy relationships that are going through this I don't know what I would do all I can offer is my sympathy!

    For me no regrets, but moments of sadness on giving up 'the dream' which is much more tangible for you.

    yes my mouth's been places I never thought it would be :slight_smile: I just feel so much more open and intimate with a guy.