Has anyone regretted their decision?

Hi there happy you are here reaching out . So let me frame my journey , I am 57 married 30 years three kids all out of college thankfully now and oldest getting married in 2019 (I have all girls). My wife discovered last September I had been sleeping with guys . She confronted me in this past January and when she did I admitted it all accepted full responsibility and immediately seemed professional help because I needed it big time . Asked many times to myself and I gay etc . So I lieu of a label let me try to frame this from my point of view , experiences and thoughts . There is no real thing g called being gay, not right or wrong way to approach that. Sexuality is definitely fluid and in this I have found that sure
My behavior was gay, but my Orientation and emotions never were not are they "gay". I just love sex so much and found I love it with guys too . Is it possible to be pseudo straight but have sex with guys ? Well hell yes that fits me a lot . My wife and I are doing amazing during this rough emotional tear filled time . What I really finally came to terms with is that I so love my wife , lover her family , love our friends , of course love our kids . We have a tremendous life travelled the world and GE talong great. So why the hell would I ever want to leave this especially at my age to live as a gay man? Because for me that is not who I am and I can't see full happiness that way . This is a persona decision that you ultimately need to make and weigh the good from the loss that may occur as you are anticipating the unknown. I know for us an open marriage is not something we are not interested in at all , we either accept and forgive and move on together or we do end up divorcing . We are far from full reconciliation but man I am happier she knows my secret and we can live open and honest as the great couple we are . Hope this helps some

 

MrP have not regretted the decision one bit, not to say it is an easy one. Like you at first i thought ok I am bi but the more I was with the man who has become my BF the more I realized it was not so. In short order I came to the realization I was gay. With that my attraction and desire to be a woman faded in no time. To the point where I was unable to be intimate with my then GF. Not only that I had no desire to be around her, everything she did started grate on my nerves and I knew without a shadow of doubt I was gay. The past months have been fantastic and stressful at the same time. As one comes to acknowledge their true sexuality there are adjustment both mentally and physically. All that being said I wouldn't change a thing. Openly accepting that I am gay has open whole new vistas of emtional enjoyment and physical pleasure I would never have thought possible. For the first time in many many years I am truly happy. I wish you the best as you navigate the course in front of you. Use EC as resource as many of us have traveled that same path.

 

If you still love your wife, does it matter if you are almost exclusively attracted to guys?

 

You mean you don't love her in a sexual way anymore, but only as friends? That is not the idea you gave me with your first post. Clarity on this point is very important if you want advice.

 

Wow that's a tough spot to be in. If you have kids that would be a really good reason to try to save your marriage. In any event, it seems to me that your lack of libido toward your wife may be partly because of your indecision and questioning about your sexuality and feeling that everything is hanging on the answer you come up with. Why not just step back for the moment from trying to force yourself to make a choice and feeling that you are responsible for everything that happens in the future to this entire group of people, which would kill anyone's libido regardless of their sexuality. Are you and your wife working on your sex life and talking about it together ... is there good communication and true intimacy between the two of you or are you isolated with this issue? I would focus on doing those things and leave aside the over-hyped (and misguided in my opinion) concept that there is one "truth" that you "have to" find out about yourself and put a label on before anything else can happen or be done.

 

Hmm. Would you and your wife consider an open relationship? As in, you didn't marry just because of sexual attraction, right? They were many other factors, that are still here, and if only sexual orientation is the one being an issue... would it be inconcievable to stay married, enjoy your life together, but still explore sexual encounters with other people (in a responsible way, obviously—condoms etc.)?

IMHO there's stilll much, much pressure in modern society on the whole 'couple (preferably heterosexual) being the end of all ends, with this form of love being placed above all the others.' And in turn, well, we end up precisely in situations like this one: feeling that you have to sacrifice a good relationship because one aspect in it (sex) isn't fulfilled the way everyone around expects you to fulfill it. As if this one the only conclusion possible. But is it?

I mean, if mono relationships weren't emphasized as the 'ultimate relationships', with all the rest being hammered into our heads as cheating and being sleazebags and whatever... If we were taught that it's OK to love more than one person, that you can have a 'main partner' for instance as well as 'secondary partners'... Would you feel that 'me being gay = I HAVE to divorce my wife?'

I guess what I'm trying to say is, you seem like you're not sure yourself, but unless you do explore the gay side of sexuality at some point, you may never know. Are you attracted to men and not women? To men in general, yet still able to feel attracted to one or two women specifically (like your wife)? Is wondering about your sexuality masking some other sexual issue (in which case counselling or some such may be a solution, that wouldn't involve envisioning separation first)?

 

mrpeach … I suggest viewing your situation as evolving, & not black & white. Therefore:

• Since u love your wife & inlaws, keep that going. Maintain the sexual intimacy w her. It's key for a man to sexually satisfy his woman. While I hear that you're less attracted to her as u were, your relationship w her has a lot going for it … & I suggest committing to satisfying her sexually. It shouldn't be that hard … w some body contact. Relationships can be fragile, as I imagine u know. If u let her slip away, u may lose her.
• Your gay side is inexperienced, as u said you've never done anything w a guy. It may be wrapped up on in a lot of fantasy, which can be pretty far from reality. What is it u want from another guy? I have found that my fantasies can be satisfied sexually by another guy, but rarely emotionally … as we men are pretty independent creatures, usually lacking the familial bonding of woman. I mean it's possible, but my experience over & over is that men treat each other poorly - their own egos rule.
• I'd experiment w your gay side little by little. Reach out - look for a guy u feel some attraction to. See if u get some satisfaction. See if it's what u want. U may get sexual satisfaction, but emotional satisfaction could be more elusive. Consider a poly relationship, maintaining your relationship w your wife, & a buddy as well.

 

No

In fact I would have regretted not coming out and ending my marriage.

Life is so much better because I'm no longer living a lie. It's difficult to explain in just a few words what happens when you embrace your true self, dismantle the shame, internalized homophobia, and all the counterproductive behaviors that come along with them. You free up so much energy that was devoted to holding your secret. Life is fun again and you become a better version of yourself.

 

MJ, with all due respect, what you just expressed having taken into account everything you have written sounds to me like your suffering from an extreme case of internalized homophobia. While I am no expert, and I am only reflect one layman opinion, I truly hope the therapist your working with is doing their job properly.

 

That was really well said.

 

Complete same.

I will always feel some sadness regarding having to end my marriage, and we did have a marriage with many great points. We loved each other deeply. We are both much better people for having been married to each and the same on the other side.

 

Mr.P
I was married for almost 20 years then divorced ( had nothing to do with sexuality) afterwards was dating my gf for about 2 years. Once acknowledging my homosexuality and splitting with the GF it took almost no time to be happy with the decision. It wasn't an easy thing for sure but I needed to do it. I couldn't pretend emotionally or physically nor did I want to. It was unfair to her but more importantly I was kidding myself. Thought I was Bi for about a minute but realized that I was straight out gay and couldn't fake it nor want to.

 

Look you can say whatever you want and seriously you have zero professional experience to tell me or anyone that they suffer from . I know e have talked a lot but I am not accepting your view "with all due respect" because if you truly respected my views and what I stated then you would just leave it . I made a choice and have absolutely no internalized homophobia feelings , I made a choice to what makes me happy and I know what that is period

 

no regrets at all

I love who I am where I am and who I am with

 

I've absolutely no regrets and like siennafire said, I would have regretted making the decision to stay married rather than leaving.

I'm me now, totally, fully and with complete honesty.

Now that I've left the house finally, after two years of agonising and then making very difficult steps one by one to move forward, I can finally also say that I've not left my husband, I've changed and remolded our relationship and our family dynamic. It's not free from pain, but it promises us a future of greater truth and more fulfilment, as well as more love, greater presence and security for our daughter.