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Has Anyone Else Felt This Way?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by bsg75apollo, Jan 14, 2022.

  1. bsg75apollo

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    The hardest thing to deal with right now is the anger that I fell towards myself. I had two opportunities earlier in life to come out. I thought that I had "legitimate" reasons not to, but in reality most of those reasons were just excuses and the main reason was fear, pure and simple. So right now I am mad at having squandered those opportunities which would have saved myself a lot of grief and I am mad at myself for being such a coward when so many people were brave. Has amyone else felt this way?
     
  2. Rayland

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    I have definitely felt like this. I admire people who are so brave, but we also need to understand that everyone are different, the situations are different and there is no need to rush things. You come out, when you are ready to do so.
     
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  3. bingostring

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    There is a risk of being too hard on yourself
    You did what you did because you were unable to do it sooner.
    internalised homophobia and fear are strong forces worth understanding
     
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  4. Love2sleep

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    Yep. The trick is to keep swimming and don’t drown in the internal negativity x
     
  5. johndeere3020

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    Hey, don't be so hard on yourself. Coward is an awful harsh term for oneself. Gotta give yourself a break before ya can move forward. There are many of us out there who found their authentic selves later in life. Tell us more about yourself, bet there is someone here that has been through the same.

    Dean
     
  6. Gay Brett

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    I agree with those saying don’t look at it this way. I wish I came our when I was younger too but I can’t change that any more than I can change being gay. To me your feelings are normal but not helpful.

    My ex wife became close friends with an openly gay man she worked with when we were married. I was no where close to accepting I was gay at time, but definitely admired him living his life the way he was.

    She socialized we him and his boyfriend and their gay friends often and I was always invited to join them but not once did I. I regret this so much. I was giving a chance I think to recognize I was gay at a much younger age.

    One weekend she even walked with him in a small gay pride parade. I would do anything to be able to go back and have joined them.

    During this time our marriage was not that strong and it wouldn’t have been painful for her to find out I was gay. She was in fact feeling bad about wanting to end it then.

    In retrospect I blew a huge opportunity to make a bunch of gay friends and come out in an accepting environment and avoided much more painful divorce that we ended up having anyway.

    But all that really matters to me now is I am finally living a gay life deep down I always wanted and I love it! I also have a better relationship with my ex wife being one of her gay friends as opposed to her husband.

    We met in college and if I could have changed that now I would have been her gay best friend instead of her boyfriend. It would have been easy to come out where I knew no one but I blew that too. And she definitely would have still liked me and been a big part of my life. Just in a very different and more healthy way for both of us.

    Life can give you a second chance but we shouldn’t allow our previous opportunities to rob the enjoyment of embracing them.
     
  7. bsg75apollo

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    Thanks all. I'll have to sit with it for a bit, but I actually feel much better. I needed to hear this.
     
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  8. Contented

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    This is so so true. I too wish I could have come out before ever getting involved in heterosexual relationships.
     
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  9. Peterpangirl

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    What a loving, supportive thing to say, Dean. And true.
     
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  10. zgaynz

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    I have had my sexuality questioned on three occasions (that I can remember or actually took seriously) and each time I denied it. I had denied it even before giving it any consideration and one of these occasions was after I accepted I was gay. It's an automated response and I put it down to I wasn't ready, I'm still not. Sexuality is a journey, for some, it's short, for others, it's long. The world has come a lot further in sexuality acceptance but still not far enough for me yet. My day will come. Yes, I do regret not confirming it many years ago but they were different times then so I believe I made the right choice. There's no point looking back, look forward. Your day will come too.
     
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  11. Gayhusband

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    I feel like you everyday. I’m gay. I’ve been in the closet for twenty-five years now. It’s eating me up. I also had opportunities to come out. I squandered them out of fear and my own internalized homophobia. I know how horrible it is to be stuck in a closet.
     
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  12. bsg75apollo

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    I couldn't even tell you how long its been for me. I don't have a definitive clear memory of when I had an inkling about my sexuality. Maybe I should just build a walk in closet with some custom shelves. At least it would be more comfortable.
     
  13. Contented

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    There is no question coming out poses significant issues for those of us who later in life come to embrace our same sex attraction. The closet is an unhealthy dark place to spend the rest of a life time. Coming out is an incredibly liberating experience in spite of the difficulties it produces. Living a lie becomes so depressing and starts to consume all of you thinking. Gay does not disappear by ignoring it, frankly the desire grows stronger until at some point the dam breaks and you must act.
     
    #13 Contented, Jan 21, 2022
    Last edited: Jan 21, 2022
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  14. Jakebusman

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    B
    Been down that road
     
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  15. out2019

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    Since I accepted myself all those chances I had when I was in denial were flashing in my mind- the way I became openly hostile when a really cute guy flirted with me
    I think all of us who come out later in life have some version of this. It makes total sense that we feel this way.

    This is a great way to think about it.
     
  16. Daisydoo

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    I completely hear this and it resonates. I have just recently told my friend of 25 years that I’m not heterosexual and I desire women- always have. . She is a lesbian and has been really supportive. We’ve shared so much of our lives together in friendship and yet I couldn’t even tell her, the safest person I could have confided in. I feel so much shame for not being true to myself and my desire. I thought it would go away, I have felt so dishonest and have given myself a really hard time. I can’t ignore the voice inside, it just seems to get stronger. There’s no one I desire. I had one brief sexual relationship with a girl at 14 and that’s all. I’m married with 4 mostly grown up children and 50. My husband is a good man, it’s me, I’m dissatisfied and feel like I can’t hide anymore. There’s so much at stake … and for what. Why can’t I just get on with the life I have built. These are the conversations that go on inside of me. The time has gone. Even as I write I’m so afraid of judgement and criticism.
     
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  17. Contented

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    Many of us later in lifers experience this. Gay does not disappear by simply ignoring it. You can keep it at bay for some time but eventually the dam breaks and it starts to consume you. It happens at any age or stage of life when you finally acknowledge what you knew all along that your gay. I was completely unhappy in my heterosexual relationship once I embraced my homosexuality. I simply could not continue on pretending I was ok. Leaving heterosexuality behind was one of most stressful, doubt laden things I have ever done. However it was also one of best. Finally coming out as a gay man has opened up a new beginning where I find a zest for living returned to me. Romance, emotional well-being, sensuality and erotism I never knew as a straight man are a wonderful part of my life now. With all its complications I love being an openly gay man finally.
     
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  18. zgaynz

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    I say I fought nature and nature won. For me realisation didn't give me peace, acceptance did.
     
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  19. Rayland

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    This also applies to me. I was truly confused about my sexuality for a while and I was also scared. I think I had also a bit of internalized homophobia and also my surroundings played a role, which is why, when women flirted with me I felt uncomfortable, but when I accepted that I also like women, then even the confusion subsided and I'm at peace with this now.
     
  20. PatrickUK

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    Honestly, the number of people who come out at the first opportunity is infinitely small. Many of us will count numerous false starts; times when we had the opportunity and maybe should have taken it, but didn't.

    Unless we come from a super supportive family/community, we always weigh the (perceived) risks against the rewards and turn our heels on that walk into unknown territory. Eventually we realise how much more important it is to live our truth, but it can take some time to get there.

    Don't beat yourself up about it. Coming out is a journey, rather than a sprint, but it's a journey best shared with others who are going through or have been through the same thing.
     
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