i feel like i would be happier post transition but i just don't want to transition. is my assigned gender and sex contributing to my depression? do i really have a choice if i want to be happy? is my depression "keeping me" from transitioning? (I know it's up to me, but I'm a victim when I'm depressed.) I don't have much dysphoria but I do think about my gender all the time. I always shave my face, and body semi-regularly. i only have boy clothes still but i wear them fine for the most part. at least i have my long hair.
I was totally against transition at first. But as time went on and i tried things (like buying a binder) and bought a few men's shirts, the dysphoria i've always just ignored or chalked off to a personality defect became more and more promiment. More and more of a problem. And i noticed and could attribute things to it that i didn't always, like how i have always hated my name and voice and seeing myself in pictures. So now my opinion has changed. Now i want HRT eventually when i finish school and can afford to move out, and maybe even top surgery. Not saying your opinion will change, just putting my experience out there.
For me, I have noticed that my depression has gotten slightly better as I have become further along my transition. I have other things contributing to my depression though, and not just dysphoria. I would say that you have a choice on how much you transition. Some factors would be out of control like the effects of estrogen on your body, if you even decide to pursue this route. A lot of it is probably waiting, but you can start with some things like getting breast enhancements or enlargements if you would like this. I am unsure what the proper name of this is called. You can always talk to yourself using the pronouns you want to be called as, and using the name you want to have when you talk (or think) to yourself. I hope things get better for you.
