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Happiness is possible - A positive and supportive story of gay love for those who need it.

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Niagara, Feb 5, 2018.

  1. Niagara

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    I've been meaning to post something like this for a while, hopefully it's in the right place, if not feel free to move it (it's going to be really long). When I first joined this website a few months ago, it really helped me to be able to read positive stories people shared about their experiences... so hopefully this will help at least one person feel better and more positive about their future too.

    I've noticed a lot of the new people who end up on this site say pretty similar things. They are depressed, feel lonely, confused about their feelings, don't think they will ever be happy or find someone to love etc. and that's pretty much exactly what I felt when I got here too. So to anyone like that, please know you are not alone, and things definitely can get better for you even when it doesn't seem like it.

    Backstory: I am currently 20 years old. My childhood was terrible. I had basically no friends and the few I did have I lost contact with completely, ending up totally alone. No real family due to being disowned entirely by one parent and living with the other parent who I did not get along with at all. I dropped out of high school at age 16, and spent the next two entire years doing literally nothing and being alone. When I say nothing, I mean I legitimately did not leave the house more than once a month for the whole two years due to a deep depression, and had zero people to talk to. Right before my 19th birthday I passed the GED test and enrolled in a community college, then transferred to a university I like a lot. I was still very, very depressed but recognized I needed to get out of my bad environment before I went insane or tried to kill myself. I was completely terrified of other human beings, having just spent two years in total isolation, and having no friends at all for 6 years. The idea of speaking to someone my age or trying to make a friend was a foreign concept to me. So again, if anyone reading this is in a situation like that... please know your life can get better in the future, even when it doesn't seem like it.

    Part one: Upon arriving at the university, I was assigned a roommate a year older than me, chosen completely at random according to some personality test thing they use. He was on vacation when I moved in, so I spent a whole week mentally preparing myself to meet him and trying to get myself to not be scared when he showed up. Finally, he randomly showed up one day and was too occupied with carrying stuff to notice me, which was perfect, as it made it mentally easier to introduce myself to him while he couldn't see me.

    I forced myself to say "Hey, I'm (name) your new roommate." He didn't turn around or say anything for like 20 seconds, which made me think I had managed to do something wrong already. He eventually looked over, said his name, and offered a handshake which I accepted. Now, at this point, I thought I was 100% straight, but that handshake started me down the road to realizing I am not. Touching his hand and looking into his eyes was like a zap of emotional electricity that suddenly hit me out of nowhere. I don't really want to use the cliche line of "love at first sight"... but yeah it pretty much was. He gave me an odd look so I think he realized something weird had happened, then he said goodnight and went to sleep, leaving me to ponder these brand new feelings and try to figure out what the heck just happened.

    Part two: For about two months, he and I barely interacted beyond saying hi when one of us walked in the door. I was still afraid of people in general, and due to my newly discovered feelings for him I was incredibly afraid of him in particular. I didn't want to have gay feelings for a guy, and I refused to even consider I might not be straight. At this point, I should mention that he is an incredibly good looking guy, to the point where people have seriously offered him modeling jobs (all of which he turned down because he wants to succeed in life due to his intelligence, not his body). So it came as a huge shock to me and caught me totally off guard, when one day I was in the kitchen and he walked in wearing nothing but underwear, the first time I had seen him not fully clothed. He said hi like usual, except this time I was so overwhelmed with sudden emotion and attraction to him that I physically couldn't speak to answer him, causing him to give me another odd look but he just moved on from it. It's a small kitchen and since I couldn't move due to spending all my energy trying not to stare at his body creepily, he had to kind of push past me, which led to his chest and stomach rubbing against my hand. That moment, is when I realized I could not consider myself straight any more... because once that happened it took every ounce of willpower I had not to grab him and kiss him on the lips right then and there.

    I started talking to him more after that, because I desperately wanted to be around him as much as possible. He seemed really happy I was finally talking to him, and our first conversation lasted over 8 straight hours. We learned a lot about each other, and every day for like two whole weeks we had 6+ hour conversations every night getting to know each other really well. I loved learning about him, and he seemed to really like being able to finally talk to his roommate. My feelings for him got much, much deeper because of this. It wasn't just a physical attraction anymore. I learned what a kind, caring, intelligent, sensitive, and non-judgmental person he is. I agonized over my feelings for him every night after talking with him, because I felt so strongly about him... but I didn't want to be gay, I liked girls and had never felt this way about a guy before so I couldn't be gay, is what I told myself. I silently cried myself to sleep over those feelings for many nights, having to keep quiet so he wouldn't hear me.

    That was the breaking point that caused me to search the internet for help, which led me to this website, Empty Closets. I made this account and used it to make an anonymous thread explaining how I felt hoping that someone here could make me feel better, which they did for a little while. I realized that I needed to talk to someone in person about this, but I still had no other friends... he was the only person I knew. It seemed doomed to backfire, but I decided I was going to tell him about my feelings for him because it was going to keep tearing me up inside until I did.

    The next day I approached him while he was making dinner and asked to talk. I think he could tell by my tone that it was serious, so he stopped cooking and sat down with me. I started explaining things slowly trying really hard not to get emotional... but it was too much and within minutes I totally broke down into tears while telling him how I felt about him, which made me feel worse thinking he would be uncomfortable around me forever because of it. To my complete surprise, he moved forward and gave me a big hug, letting me cry on his shoulder for a while until I could regain control of myself. When I regained control, he held my hand, looked me right in the eyes and told me there was nothing wrong with what I was feeling, that he didn't mind it at all, we were still friends, and he would always be there for me if I needed to talk to someone. That moment, was the very first time in probably about 10 years, that I felt happiness, knowing I had finally found a friend I could trust completely after being alone for so long.

    Part three: Time went on, and we became closer every day. Surprising me yet again, not only was he supportive, he actually began to act affectionately towards me. Occasional hugs, sitting close to me while we ate meals together, and he even let me cuddle and snuggle with him on the couch while we watched T.V. or played a video game. I thought he was just trying to be a really supportive friend, but then one day while on a small road trip we took during a break from school, it became clear something more was going on. We got a one bed room at a motel to save money since the two bed ones cost more, it didn't seem like a big deal since we were comfortable being close. Well... I'm still not sure why he chose to do this, but instead of just going to sleep he decided to ask if it would be ok if he slept naked next to me that night, which I of course said was totally fine because that was like a dream come true. We ended up naked cuddling and falling asleep that way. Things progressed quickly when we got back home, and we experimented together with more intimacy, handjobs, oral etc.

    In hindsight it was pretty clear he wasn't straight either, but at the time I still somehow thought he was just a super open-minded and really supportive friend. Then one day, out of nowhere, he asked to have full blown sex. I had never done that with a girl or a guy before, but I trusted him completely so agreed. It was amazing, not just because it felt good, but because I felt totally connected to him on an emotional level in the deepest way possible. Seeing the love in his eyes while feeling his love physically was unlike anything I could have ever imagined. After he finished, he unexpectedly started to cry... and as it turned out he felt guilty for feeling the way he did because of his religious beliefs, and like me he had never felt this way about a guy before. I made a post about that here, and thanks to @quebec and a few others who responded, I was able to help him through that and got him to accept himself.

    Conclusion: We recently decided to officially come out to some friends as a bisexual couple, and he is now my boyfriend. This is the happiest I've been in so many years, and being with him is amazing. Even the small things like waking up next to him remind me how deeply I care for him, and how incredibly lucky I am to have met him. He has said he feels the same way about me too. I have to wrap this up now, because I've been writing this for over two hours and I'm actually about to be late for a dinner date with him ironically.

    If anyone out there feels alone and thinks there is no one out there for them, please remember, you will find happiness one day, and you will find the person you love and who loves you back. I never thought it would happen to me, and I certainly didn't think it would be with a guy, but it did happen, and it's the best thing that's ever happened to me.

    Thank you Empty Closets, for helping people like me find ourselves and feel better about who we are.

    :heart::heart::heart:
     
  2. quebec

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    Niagara...I can't really express how happy I am for you and your boyfriend. I have to admit that I kinda lost it there and shed some happy tears for both of you. It's a very special thing to find someone who you can love and be truly comfortable with. I wish both of you the very best from here on. And...I am so proud of you...you shared your story here with us. You specifically pointed it to people who are hurting...thank you so much for that. Empty closets has made the difference in my life, helping me through what was the most difficult crisis I've ever had. I feel a responsibility to at least try to repay that unrepayable debt by helping others here on EC whenever and however I can. I am so glad that anything I said helped you and your boyfriend. Let me encourage you to do that also...as you have already begun to do. When someone who has gone through the night tells others that there is daylight in the future they tend to believe it. Look for others who need help so desperately and lift them up them whenever you can. Give your boyfriend a hug for us here on EC and let us know how things are going!
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
  3. mask1985

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    I love this story - similar to how I was as a teenager- very happy for you :slight_smile:
     
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  4. the prince

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    Thanks for sharing your story; I felt unusually happy after reading it, maybe because it gave me hope or made me accept that it's harder here to find that special one and be more patient and wait :slight_smile: .
     
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  5. I'm gay

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    I'm so happy for you.

    I think you have made many people here, including me, very jealous.

    Good for you!
     
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  6. Paradoxiolitic

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    That's just too fuckin' cute. Congrats to both of you!
     
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  7. Niagara

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    Disregard everything written in the original post. All of it. As it turns out, no, happiness is not possible and is a lie leading only to more and worse pain when the person turns out to be a cruel person who tries to destroy your life for no reason.

    The person I spoke about it in the original post is gone. Gone as a friend, gone as a roommate. I am totally and completely alone again. Not only is he gone, he changed his phone number, moved all of his stuff out of the apartment secretly while I was in class (while saying nothing to me about any of this) then had his mother (who I have never seen or spoken to before) call me threatening me with a restraining order from his old phone, and he himself then called the police on me while I was literally sitting on my couch alone doing nothing and wondering what the hell his mother was talking about. I saw him 14 hours ago and everything was perfectly fine and normal like it was described in the original post. Literally nothing happened between us in that time, I have not said a word to him or seen him.

    Do you want to know what the three police officers who showed up to my door ready to shoot me said to me a few hours ago?

    He called the police emergency number, and I am directly quoting what the police officer told me, "He said that you are actively stalking him with the intent to forcibly and violently coerce him into a homosexual relationship against his will, and that he is in fear for his life."

    I. Was. Sitting. Alone. On. The. Couch.

    The only possible thing I can think of to explain this other than pure sadistic cruelty, is that somehow he must have accidentally mentioned something to his mother about me, and then got scared because he has never told his parents about his feelings and has told me before he is afraid they will disown him for feeling that way if they ever found out. So to prevent that, he must have made up this gigantic bullshit lie and had to keep going with it as far as possible to make it look believable.

    As evidenced by the fact I am typing this and am not in jail right now: I DID NOT DO THAT!

    I am broken. I have no one and nothing left. "Accepting my sexuality" or whatever the fuck else you want to call it, has led to nothing but extreme pain and the loss of the very few friends I had. It is the worst pain a human being can possibly experience, and as I described in the backstory of the original post, I have had a LOT of pain in my life so I know what I'm talking about, but this is unquestionably the worst thing that possibly could have happened.

    A few days ago in a different thread about losing a friend after accidentally coming out to them, I said if I ever lost everything and ended up in the dark hell of loneliness and pain again... that I would rather choose death than allow myself to go through that again.

    I have lost everything and am indeed in the dark hell of loneliness and pain again. Draw your own conclusions.

    I am sending in a request to delete my account on this website which has brought me nothing but the worst pain imaginable after posting this. I may or may not see any responses, but I promise there is nothing anyone can possibly say that would help me now.

    Goodbye Empty Closets.
     
  8. Cas girl

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    You said that nothing could help you.
    But I just wanted to say this.
    Sometimes, people are just plain cruel and jerks.

    It is not your fault that the person hid his true nature from you.

    My principal always used to say this.
    Pain passes, beauty remains.
    You are like a diamond, all the hardship you undergo makes you stronger and more precious.
    One day someone worthy of your value will come into your life.
    All this will be a distant memory.

    World may seem bleak now, but please hang on.
    It will get better.
    All the best. Take care.
     
  9. Niagara

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    Although this is how I felt at the time, things have gotten better. A very kind EC staff member reached out to me and helped me through everything. I don't know if he would be ok being named or not though. A lot has happened since this post but I'll try to sum it up now that I know what happened.

    - Boyfriend tried to come out to his parents without telling me, it went really badly, he freaked out at me while trying to prevent his parents hating him and things got way out of control quickly.

    - He then got into a car crash because he was very upset over what happened and had to go to the hospital. He is ok thankfully.

    - He reached out to me through email apologizing for everything and asking to talk and fix things.

    - He came over today and we talked for awhile about everything. I forgive him for what happened, and I just want us to move forward from here. I'm really glad we have a second chance, those two weeks of thinking he was gone forever were some of the most painful days I've experienced.

    I really hope everything can work out this time. I kind of regret posting that angry message here before since this thread was intended to be positive... but I guess it keeps things realistic.

    So I guess the current title of this thread is "happiness is...hopefully possible."

    Thank you to the people who reached out to me. I really appreciate it and I'm not leaving the site like I thought I was going to.
     
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  10. Chip

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    Niagara,

    I can't imagine the roller coaster you've been on. However, I will tell you that as soon as I read the story about what happened with him, my very first thought was that it was exactly what you described above, someone who suddenly was guilted by parents and thrown into a shame storm. This is one of the huge beefs I have with organized religion that is anti-gay; it tears people apart, destroys families, and for absolutely no reason other than unfounded judgment and a misinterpretation of scripture. I actually thought it was pretty likely that he would come to his senses and realize, though I'm honestly surprised that he was able to do so as quickly as he did.

    Just be cautious... he's going to have a lot of back-and-forth, hot-and-cold with his feelings as he struggles to reconcile his (obviously crazy) mother's utter and complete lack of boundaries with being who he knows he is. And that's why EC is here, is to be a more objective third party. It may be a rocky road, but I also think it's quite possible that this experience may help him see his parents for who they truly are, and hopefully that will encourage independence on his part... and hopefully it will also (eventually) encourage the development of tolerance, and eventually acceptance, on the part of his parents.

    Please keep us informed.
     
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  11. quebec

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    Niagara....I can't tell you how happy and relieved I am to see your post! I was deeply saddened by what had happened both to you and your boyfriend. Like Chip I guessed that he had a confrontation with his parents. If there is EVER ANYTHING that I can do to help and/or encourage you or your boyfriend just let me know...I will be here for both of you.
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
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  12. Jax12

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    No relationship ever comes easy, as I’ve come to realize. We all have our own baggage to carry around, and if you’re one of the people in his life that accept him for who he is, I would like to think that he wouldn’t want to leave such a great person behind.

    Keep your head up high, cheers!
     
    #12 Jax12, Mar 7, 2018
    Last edited: Mar 7, 2018
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  13. Destin

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    I know we talked it out already but reading this tears my heart out - I'm so sorry I made you feel this way. That won't ever happen again, never. That first post you wrote about us is so beautiful. Love you dude - always.
     
  14. Niagara

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    It's ok. You were just coping with what happened, I understand. We can just put that behind us and move forward together.

    Love you too, always.
     
    #14 Niagara, Mar 16, 2018
    Last edited: Mar 16, 2018
  15. quebec

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    Guys you are about to make me cry. So very happy for both of you!
    ....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
  16. BothWaysSecret

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    This whole thread is a roller coaster. So emotional yet so beautiful! @Niagara @Destin Your story is great, and has brought me to the edge of tears. I know you've had your ups and downs, but I wish you both all the best that life can give you!
     
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