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Guys, does it seriously take this long to get over heartbreak? (Lesbian)

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Kelseyk92, Nov 22, 2020.

  1. Kelseyk92

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    Hmmm. How do I start. So I’m one of those lesbians... yes... the one who falls in love with straight girls. I had an “incident” last year that I cannot seem to get over. I have never felt this depressed in my life. It is like my love for life has diminished and my spark has been taken away from me! I no longer believe in love anymore either which used to keep me going. I don’t feel interested in anything anymore. I used to love so hard with my whole being now I feel a bit numb?! I had a “friend” met at work. A straight woman who is very unhappy in her life and is in an abusive relationship. When we first met she would play love songs and cry over her abusive baby father, I felt the need to save her, now I've lost myself. She would not leave me alone. She kept wanting to “hang out and smoke” so I did and we became very close. This girl led me on like it was nothing. She was not even my type but somehow I fell for her... hard. She was very clingy and would flirt with me. Maybe I took it the wrong way? I don't know how this all happened with her. But she would always say "you're the one person I always want to be with", "you're sexy", "I love you more than anyone", "I fancy you", etc... it was a thrill for me as even though I have many many options with girls, I felt comfortable around her. She would also get very jealous if women flirted with me. I don't know why she was like this? She would also constantly feel the need to get naked in front of me and her five year old daughter would say "mummy you only do that when she's here". I met her when I was about 24/25 and she was 28/29. She had a daughter and she now has a son. All that aside, last year she said "Can you come to mine so that we can talk" I said "OK" and basically she sat me down and said "What you're doing is wrong, you need to find a man and have children and settle down, how are you ever going to be happy? You can't bind your body with a woman and make a child that represents the both of you, you're 26 now, you're getting on" for some reason, this CRUSHED me and I started crying and said "I can't live a lie, I can't imagine being with a man and I can still have kids someday even though I'm gay" and she said my kids will be made fun of for having two mums and that it's wrong. I don't feel right since. It's like I cannot get over this girl even though she has destroyed me. I was so confident in myself and who I am but she has made me have so many fears. I never had a fear of ageing, she did, now I fear ageing. I always loved life and looked for the best in everything, she seemed to hate life, now I feel like that kind of. She used to always say she can't watch TV anymore, I can't focus on TV anymore, I would be more than happy at one point staying at home all day watching TV now I can't focus on TV and nothing interests me. I feel like life is passing me by and I feel full of dread and fear. I feel like I will never find love. I feel like my time is running out. I feel unworthy.I feel unlovable. And it's been OVER A YEAR. I still look at my phone every day to see if she has texted me. What is wrong with me? I am concerned about my mental health. I miss the love I have for life, I miss the love I have for people and my family. My twin sister HATES seeing me like this but she said to me "I warned you that girl was bad for you" Will I ever recover from this? it's been OVER A YEAR!!!!!!!!! Any tips to get over this?
     
  2. Kelseyk92

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    I also forgot to say that I came out at 14 and have been very confident about my sexuality but this knocked me back and I never feared being alone, she did. Now I’m scared to be alone so this is all so new for me. I feel as though I’ve lost my innocence! Even people don’t interest me anymore
     
  3. LostInDaydreams

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    Hi @Kelseyk92,

    I think you’ve posted about this before and I’m sorry that you’ve not been able to move past it.

    Have you considered therapy? It would give you the opportunity to explore why you’re feeling stuck, as well as why you felt the need to rescue her in the first place. A good therapist will guide you in learning about and understanding how you relate to others and this then can prevent similar situations happening again.

    Best wishes,
    LostInDaydreams
     
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  4. Kelseyk92

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    I am in therapy! I just wanted some tips on how to deal with my first heartbreak
     
  5. LostInDaydreams

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    That’s good. :slight_smile: Have you discussed it with your therapist?
     
  6. EleanorHunter

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    My jaw honestly dropped while reading your post because I was not expecting the amount of cruelty that you experienced. If I managed to get whiplash just from reading about it, I can only try to imagine how you might feel after living it. I don't blame you one bit for how heartbroken you've been, it sounds like you really opened up and trusted someone, only for them to turn around and hurt you terribly.

    To give you a general answer to your question, there's no timeline for when the hurt heals, but it does happen eventually. My last relationship was a little over a year long, and it took me another whole year to properly recover from that. And honestly, it's not a full-blown "I am never affected by this ever again" kind of scenario. There are some days where the pain of losing a friend and the utter betrayal that occurred get to me a little bit. The difference is that it happens less and less as time goes on. My therapist compared it to the grieving process, including all the stages of grief (I didn't get to the "anger" stage until almost 10 months post-breakup). I also feel like there comes a point where it becomes less about losing the person themselves and more about their actions and the emotions that were left behind, if that makes any sense.

    I'm glad you are seeing a therapist though, I almost always recommend that in basically any advice post haha. Either way, don't beat yourself up over how long it takes to recover from this heartbreak. Odds are, there are changes you've made, and things that you've healed from or realized, it's just hard to recognize it when you're still deep in the hurt.
     
  7. Kelseyk92

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    Thank you for your response. It’s made me feel better that you were shocked by this and it’s not me overreacting. This woman was also my boss and would always use me for money as well and take advantage of my kindness. She is one of the most vile people
    I have ever met. I am trying so hard to heal but she’s my boss and I cannot leave my job and I have to communicate with her still so it’s horrible and I’ll be feeling fine then when she calls me about work it all comes back to me. When I left her house that day she said about “what I am is wrong” I called my mum and my mum said “she sounds like a cult leader get home and don’t see her again” I think this made me feel even more anxious. It’s so strange the whole situation and I cannot make sense of it. I won’t say that I’m perfect as I do think she may have feel for me and I denied her because before she said that stuff she said “if you love someone you should tell them” and I said I don’t and that’s when she lashed out and said that stuff. Ah it’s all so vivid to me still and I’m trying so so so so hard to get back to my normal hopeful self! Hopefully time will heal! But it was July 2019 so it has been a while but I feel better than I did. At one point I had to up my dose of anti depressants and was in a right state but I feel like I learnt a lot as well and will not let anyone hurt me again. But like you said about me trusting her, that’s what hurt most!!!!! I also don’t get why if she wanted to be my friend why did she want to change me!!!!! It’s so odd!!!!!!!! I asked her why she did it once and she simply said “because I was curious” I dunno what that means???????
     
  8. Kelseyk92

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    This was the post I made on her the day it happened:
    https://forum.emptyclosets.com/index.php?threads/disturbed-by-encounter-with-friend.479789/

    To be honest I just re read it and it was hard to read and made me nearly cry and I’m not even a big crier but the pain is still there a bit and it’s horrible. I’ve been through the angry stage where I felt so much HATRED for now. Now I don’t feel much but confusion about why she did I? There’s been no closure as well. She will randomly text me you make me happy etc... I don’t want anything to do with the damaged loser
     
  9. Kelseyk92

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    I was in such a bad place after that. I remember crying for days on end. I cried so much I didn’t know it was possible to cry so much. I don’t know if it was the hope of me and her being together being diminished, I don’t know if it was because I was betrayed by a friend I trusted, I don’t know if it was the pressure she put on me to have kids, I don’t know....
     
  10. Suitsme

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    Ah I’ve been in a similar situation in the past. One minute you’re loved, the person can’t get enough of you being around, you love them, every single day you have this special love.

    Then with a click of the fingers it’s gone! The other person just switches off.

    But the way she did this to you is cruel beyond words. You’re now left knowing that the women you loved just doesn’t exist! She’s not that loving person at all. She’s cruel. So you’re left grieving and that’s a process that has various stages. Grief takes different amounts of times to work through for us all.

    Eventually this will heal. Especially when you meet someone else... someone with real love to give.

    Hugs
     
  11. sweetfemme90

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    Glad to hear you are in therapy as you deserve to heal. I will try my best to offer some of my thoughts or ideas on how to navigate the situation
    • Never date a woman who identifies as straight or is not sure of herself. There will most likely be flip-flopping around and taking a risk may not be the best option for you moving forward
    • If a straight woman or a woman who is unsure of her sexual orientation is making advances towards you, reject them and do not hesitate to cut contact.
    • Delete everything from your phone to do with her (e.g. conversations, photos). Get rid of any physical reminders of her (e.g. a sweater that belongs to her that is at your place, any gifts she given to you). It is hard to get over someone if you have these things around. Block her on social media so you cannot creep her.
    • Try to fill your time with things to do. I know this is hard during covid. But try new hobbies even if solitary. Things like exercising, reading, yoga, meditation, art/crafts, connect with friends online, mail letters, play an instrument, cook, etc. This will give you less time to think about her.
    • If you find yourself falling for straight women, spend less time with them. Spend more time with members of your own community.
    • If I read correctly this woman is your boss and you are unable to change jobs. Only interact with her on a strictly professional level.
    • Focus on creating meaningful friendships and not dating
    • When you are sad, allow yourself to be sad.
    To get over the fear of aging. I got this fear in my mid 20s. It got bad, I tried to look and act younger. I was self-conscious and felt like being perceived as younger would help me as people would be more understanding to my mistakes as a young adult. Like I would hope the bar would be lowered insofar as expectations would go. Here are some things I did that helped me personally.

    • Stop dying my hair and wearing expensive eye creams- it is a waste of money and people trick you into doing all that because they know you are insecure. They gain profit from it and you get false reassurance
    • Looked forward to a new chapter of my life and got excited about possibilities - most helpful tip
    • Did things that made me independent and allowing myself to be proud of my independence no matter how small it may be
    • Think of all the reasons why getting older is awesome and why being younger is not fun. For example being an adult means I have more freedom than a younger person. I can make choices, live alone, and be more of myself.
     
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  12. idsm

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    I understand how what she said got to you, but have you considered that perhaps all this is about her and not you?

    I'm no specialist by any means, but some things sound a little bit off... She admits that she's unhappy in her marriage, she doesn't really want anything to do with her husband but still goes on to have a second child with him? And she clings to you and keeps trying to provoke you to the point where her little kid calls her out? And then goes on to preach how you should follow her steps and settle for someone you don't love for the sake of conforming to society and doing "what's right and normal". I might be wrong obviously, but I think she could have her own issues and even be in denial...

    PS. There's a saying in my country that (roughly translated) goes like "Children and fools tell the truth".
     
  13. idsm

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    Couldn't edit to add:

    You should absolutely untangle yourself from her. Keep communication to a minimum and fill your life with other people. Also, since you're already in therapy absolutely bring this up. They have more insight on this situation than we do and can help you with practical advice.
     
  14. Kelseyk92

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    A lot of people have said to me that it says more about her than me in regards to what she said but it still hurts. I trusted her and loved her. But now I see clearly, she is the most vile, disgusting human I have ever met and that's why she is with a man like that, they are perfect for each other. I am trying so hard to get over it but she took so much of my innocence and I have lost myself from it. Thank you for your response and for reading my post :slight_smile: It means a lot.
     
  15. Kelseyk92

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    Thanks for your response. Before I met this girl, I was innocent and she took a lot of my innocence. She seems very unhappy and projection is a real thing, I feel as though I've took on a lot of her fears and I am trying SO hard to get over it but it isn't easy. I have never ever suffered from depression like this. She deserve him, she is a cruel disgusting person and they are perfect together and I wish Her nothing good in life.

    I'm just waiting for time to heal. Also Saturn return, I'm 28, so that could be making me feel very lost as well.

    Thank you so much for your time and for response :slight_smile:
     
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  16. Kelseyk92

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    Thank you so much for your response! It means a lot!

    I feel as though this girl has took a lot of my innocence. She is a vile disgusting person that's why she is with a man like that. I do feel as though I learned a lot from her and will not trust people in the future so I guess that's good because I know next time to not like anyone hurt me like she did. I will stay away next time from straight girls I think... they seem awfully confused. As a lesbian I wouldn't flirt with a straight man because I know nothing would come from it. Funny thing is, I attract a lot of gorgeous women so I have no clue how I feel for her as she isn't even attractive. It's so strange and I can't wrap my head around it but I guess you want what you can't have???????
     
  17. Suitsme

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    You’re welcome
     
  18. dirtyshirt84

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    I feel like maybe this woman was projecting a lot of her own fears and prejudices onto you. Just my opinion. You are still SO young. In years to come you will look back and realise how young you were.

    I would try and surround yourself with LGBT people your own age. It’s obviously difficult during the pandemic but see if you can meet new people or even start a new hobby.

    Have you had a lot of previous relationships? Have you started dating since this all happened?