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Guy question

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by russ1116, Apr 27, 2011.

  1. russ1116

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    I'm new Hi! Anyway my question of the day :slight_smile:
    I am very str8 acting and ppl would never know i am gay. I know however that I am clearly gay, BUT I am not into the stereotypical crap that some gay guys are into. And frankly, and i'm really sorry to say this, but I am very homophobic and gay ppl scare the crap out of me. Which makes me NOT want to be me, I dont want to be gay - what if i became like them :frowning2:.
    Anyway I no it is wrong to not like my kind but thats how it is. In my defense, I think there are a ton of closeted gay guys out there that are the same way and go much futher, as in bullying, ect...
    I no its wrong and i hate it. I just see the fem acting and it drives me crazy, I really am trying to make more gay freinds but its hard because all the ones i no are fem. Seems like all the ones that are "out" are fem.
    I was told of a counsler I am going to call and go see. someone recommended me to them because the counsler is actually gay and might be able to help me.
    And yes, i've been super depressed about who i am and even suicidal in the past. I am(was) very religious and brought up in a Baptists familly which yeah screwed me up to begin with lol.
    But seriously! are there ANYONE thats like me and gay but not fem?????
    I mean really cant two or more gay guys get together without hugging and kissing each other and calling themselves "sweety" ? Cant we just say "hi" and shake hands lol?
    Sorry again if this effends anyone, I truely don't "hate" I just feel uncomfortable.
    I found a term online, called "G0Y" G - zero- Y .. Thats pretty much me if anyone knows of it... I'm not a real label maker but face it, everyone really does need a label to fit in this world. So i don't think labels are to discriminate at all IMO.
    thanks for the replies all :slight_smile:
     
  2. Bryan90

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    Based on personal experience, there are plenty of gay guys out there with more conventionally 'masculine' characteristics, so you're definitely not alone there. And it's also not impossible to find a group of friends who are gay and have behave in a 'masculine' demeanor.

    Although some might argue that a correlation exists, most would agree that 'sexual orientation' and 'how feminine or masculine' one is are two distinct factors. You can be straight and 'feminine' just as you can be gay and 'masculine'.

    Though feeling uncomfortable around 'feminine guys' might be another thing that you might want to look into, but that's another topic.
     
  3. kem

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    "I just see the fem acting and it drives me crazy"
    You know, most of the time, it's not "acting". These people are just more effeminate by character.

    I hope the counsellor can help you!
     
  4. Lexington

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    Welcome to EC!

    To answer the question you asked, yes, there are plenty of non-feminine gays out there. I'm pretty sure I'd fit the definition. Yeah, I do that weird thing with my wrist when I point at something. And sometimes my laugh ramps up into the giggle zone. But I've got a low voice, dress like a slob, listen to rock music, and have season tickets to a contact sport. So yeah, I'd go with "not that feminine" for me. It's just that the effeminate gay guys are a lot easier to spot. You can probably see them across the room. If they're more masculine, well, you'll assume they're straight.

    But there's a lot more going on here. And to get to it, let me address the entire concept of "g0ys".

    This is a group of people I really have issues with. Not because they're not feminine - as I said, I'm pretty much in that group. But because of their attitude. Their basic stance is one of divisiveness. Not just insisting that "I'm not like THEM", but that "there's something wrong with THEM". The general mindset among the g0ys is that "those sissy-acting faggots is the reason straight people don't like us". Which is, to put it simply, bullshit. Homophobes aren't looking to outlaw femmy behavior. They're outlawing gay marriage, or gay sex. And some homophobes actually prefer the femmy gay guys because "at least, then we know where they are". "Straight-acting" gays scare the bejeezers out of them, because it suggests that they can't pick them out of a line-up, and some of those guys nearest to them might be gay, as well.

    I've often maintained that the g0ys are well-named. Because the zero in their name matches the zeroes that they are. They're more worried about "how they're perceived" that they're willing to throw rocks at those that act different from them. The word for that, when it comes to gays, is "homophobia". And it doesn't matter if the person afflicted with it is straight or gay. It's the same ballgame.

    Something you should know about effeminate gay guys. They kick ass. Seriously.

    You know when you were growing up, and you first started noticing that you dig guys? And you were terrified that people might find out? Yeah, most effeminate guys went through the same thing. And on top of that, they couldn't hide it. As much as they tried to force their voices down, or suppress the giggles, or walk like a football player, they couldn't. People could figure it out pretty quick. So most of them did the obvious thing - they came out. Why shouldn't they? What good was it to hide it when everybody suspected? And as soon as they did, they did what's best for everybody - they began living by their programming. It's only then that they stopped "acting", and started just being themselves. And that kicks ass twelve ways to Sunday.

    Do some effeminate guys ramp it up past what would be consider "normal"? Sure. But it's hardly a trait that's exclusive to effeminate gay guys. Consider football fans for a second. Some of them just like the sport, and maybe watch it on TV. Some of them buy jerseys of their favorite team. And others really get into it - they travel to other cities to watch their team play, and outfit their house in the team colors, and paint letters on their chests and holler during the games. Some people might find those uber-fanatics to be somewhat annoying, but nobody seems the need to separate themselves away from them. They don't say "Well, I'm a Gators FAN, but I'm not like one of THOSE." It's just assumed that some people are more so than others, and it'll be pretty obvious which they are as people get to know them.

    It's precisely the same with effeminate gay guys. Some are like that. And maybe they do ramp it up, and get their own vocab going. ("Hey, girlfriend!") Exactly the same as those football fans bellowing "GATORS!" :slight_smile:

    It sounds like you recognize the problem. The problem isn't that "so many gay guys are femmy". It's that you have a problem with femmy guys. And you have to figure out why. So you're not femmy. So? I'm not either, but I don't have any problem getting to know femmy guys. I've got several effeminate gay friends. And if they ever ramp it up too far (which I can't recall happening), I'd say to them what I say to my sports-obsessed friends who won't stop talking about the next game - "Yeah, can you tone it down just a tad?" That's all it takes. :slight_smile:

    It sounds good that you're going to see a counselor. I have a feeling he'll be helpful. And feel free to stick around here. Read more posts, join in. The more gay people you know, the more relaxed you'll be around it all. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  5. nate16

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    hiya, this is just to add to the previous comment. i wanted to add that there is a whole gray area, and that gay guys dont come as just effeminate or just masculine, and i think i'm the perfect example. besides some of the activities i'm in (like drama and band), my voice is very deep, and i dress as if i'm straight most of the time. i find that sometimes it's been easier to "hide" my orientation by not acting effeminate, while in other situations i can let it all out if i really want. i'm not saying i'm living a fake life, but sometimes i'm just more effeminate and other times i'm just more masculine. i used to feel the same way that you did about effeminate guys, and let's just say that it's another step towards acceptance of who you are, and how diverse the world is. hope this helps a bit and welcome!
     
  6. russ1116

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    u guys are right for sure...the main thing is for me to be more comfortable with myself 1st. i tend to (not intentionallly) judge others faults... i need more gay freinds is the fact of it. i'd just like a good mix, the grey area as we call it. right now i know personally like 3 gay guys and they are all pretty fem. i'm fine one on one with them, but get them all together and ohhh gawd lol :slight_smile:
     
  7. Lexington

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    >>>i'm fine one on one with them, but get them all together and ohhh gawd lol

    Bingo. But it's exactly the same with all the other groups. For instance, my partner plays Warcraft a lot. And he'll occasionally mention something in the game to me, but since I don't play, we don't talk about it much. But then when we get together with our two friends who also play Warcraft? Well, let's just say I know the conversation will be turning to guilds, achievements and the Horde pretty quick. :slight_smile: And it's not in an effort to be exclusionary or "warcraft-y". It's just their commonality.

    Lex
     
  8. MyDecember

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    I couldn't help but reply because I had this same mindset a while ago so I'm going to jump right into it.

    Stop telling yourself you are 'str8 acting'.

    The more you tell yourself you are str8 acting the more you label yourself and expect yourself to be different plus you're expecting yourself to live up to an expectation you will never be--> Heterosexual. You're the one putting pressure on yourself to be different. Your fear of becoming/being/being perceived as fem is due on behalf of the pressure you put on yourself to be different if that makes any sense at all...Like twins, some go through a period where when seeking their identity they try to become the exact opposite of what they see in their twin. What ever they do I want to do the opposite so I'm not like him/her and people see me as an individual. Sure society plays a role but society wont make you happy. Breath and work on yourself because once you have a solid idea of who you are, the pressure you put on yourself gets lighter and lighter.

    IMO:It's is ok to be turned of sexually by anything white, black, gay straight, Fem, butch, furry, bear etc. but to be turned off by a white, black gay straight, Fem, butch, furry, bear etc.. in a social setting is ignorance. Ignorance is cured by exposure so don't be afraid to throw yourself in random uncomfortable situations. IMO thats the best that to overcome and phobia or misconceptions of any kind. (*hug*)
     
  9. limfjord96

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    I'm just like you, and you sound just like I did. I was terrified, then I met another masculine guy whom I fell in love with and henbroke my heart bc hebwas closeted an I wasn't, but that's not the point lol, he and I helped eachothe Immerse ourselves into the gay parts of town and meet a whole spectrum of people, and we always had eachother to comfort, it could be a close friend too doesn't matter, but I guarantee, and I was just like you, you can follow my posts, but I guarantee you will get over it when you are truly comfortable with who you are, I don't know the exact time it was for me, but I'll bet it was right around when I was completely out to the world, had amazing friends and fond a new sense of self worth and love for me and everyone around me :slight_smile: hang in there, don't let a good friendship slip away bc of fear.
     
  10. Ecap1

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    Totally can relate to you man. My college has a pretty big population of feminine gays, and like you, I am not exactly comfortable with most of them. Don't get me wrong, there are a few that I am good friends with. However the ones that are VERY obnoxious (e.g. VERY loud, attention-hungry [as in getting up and dancing in the middle of the caf..seriously], etc) make me a little uncomfortable.

    Now to whoever is reading this, I am NOT saying that all feminine gay guys are like that. Not at all. I'm just talking about the really stereotypical ones. They're basically one of the main reasons why I keep my sexuality on the downlow for fear of being associated with them.

    Sorry if I offended anyone

    Edit: and totally agree with needing to accept ourselves fully first. I'm still at the stage where I still care about what other people think of my sexuality, so I tend to judge others in defense. Hopefully it'll pass because I don't really want to dislike them. After all we are the same
     
    #10 Ecap1, Apr 27, 2011
    Last edited: Apr 27, 2011
  11. Jim1454

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    There's certainly a difference between preferring to hang out with other 'masculine' gay guys, and having a fear or dislike for 'femmy' gay guys. If you're open minded and willing to work on it, I expect you'll get over the fear and dislike. There's no need for it.

    You're certainly entitled to prefer to date and hang out with more masculine gay guys. And there are lots out there. I consider myself to be one of them... I'm a huge car enthusiast and drive a sports car (in the summer and a sports utility in the winter and whenever I have my kids). I don't think I 'look' gay, so my coming out was perhaps a little more awkard than it would have been other wise - I was married for 9 years and have 2 kids. That doesn't scream 'gay' to people.

    You'll get over it. Counselling will certainly help.
     
  12. Black Cat

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    When I initially started exploring the LGBT culture as a newly out gay man, I used to use the term "straight acting" all the time. Then a very important mentor told me that if someone is "straight acting" they probably are straight. In that case they aren't gay. It sounds confusing at first, but after processing it for a little while something dawned upon me. There are so many facets to being a gay man. From the super-skinny guy wearing pink leopard print leggings and prancing down the street to buy the newest issue of Vogue, to the guy who plays every sport known to man, has no style whatsoever and thinks that Judy Garland is a second grade teacher somewhere in the Midwest instead of the gay uber-icon she is; they both have something in common: they have sex with men. This makes them both gay, and therefore any way in which they act could be considered "gay acting" as opposed to "straight acting" because neither of them is straight. Make sense?

    It is very common for us (not just us homos either, people in general are desperate to fit in) to label ourselves. Talk to the counselor. See what he has to say on the subject. There are millions of people out there who think the same way. And just as there is a percentage of the gay community who prance around, have lisps, and act in a way that is often associated with being gay, there is bound to be an almost equal percentage of gay men who act like typical men are thought to act.

    My point in all of this is as follows: Everyone is different, and our community is no exception. And to answer your question; Yes, there are people out there like you. :slight_smile:
     
    #12 Black Cat, Apr 28, 2011
    Last edited: Apr 28, 2011
  13. EM68

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    Another masculine gay guy here. :smilewave I was like you before I came out. I was terrified of fem guys. I am very masculine. I love football, root for the Red Sox. In fact, I watched the Bruins game last night with my partner. It is totally possible to be masculine and kiss and be affectionate with another man. As you get more comfortable with yourself and others you will be ready to be in a relationship.

    By the way. I don't like straight acting, I prefer masculine gay man. I am not acting any way. I'm just being me. :slight_smile: