1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Guilt

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Contented, May 18, 2018.

  1. Contented

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 23, 2017
    Messages:
    1,040
    Likes Received:
    1,387
    Location:
    Upstate NY
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Does anyone feel guilt for their hetero past? As I more and more embrace life as a gay man I feel guilty for my past hetero life. I rarely mention it, never think of it and would prefer never mentioning if I could. As I become more involved in the LGBT community I feel embarrassed about my straight past. No one has made any negative comment it’s just me. I am jealous of the gay lifers who don’t have the baggage of a hetero past. I know it’s silly because the past is the past but I wish I had been gay from the beginning. Am I crazy or have others felt this incredible need to exorcise their hetero past?
     
    slowmo likes this.
  2. smurf

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 2, 2015
    Messages:
    1,645
    Likes Received:
    638
    Location:
    Florida
    I don't think you are crazy, but I definitely think this is an unhealthy way to cope with the loss of "what it could have been".

    We all have a story and in order to keep growing as a person we must own it. The past is crucial to hep us define who we are and what we want to be in the future. There is no shame in the way you used to live before you came to accept yourself. The journey is important and your voice will help other people understand that the "gay experience" is more complicated and beautiful than they think.

    This journey of acceptance is not only to accept that you are gay but the lesson that living your true self is worth the fight. Fight for your whole self and not for the part that you think people will like.
     
    camillus likes this.
  3. Biguy45

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 5, 2017
    Messages:
    1,295
    Likes Received:
    476
    Location:
    United states
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I often have regret that I didn’t acknowledge my bisexuality earlier but that is simply so I could have experienced more. But. Would want it n addition to my heterosexual past
     
  4. Lexa

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2017
    Messages:
    474
    Likes Received:
    172
    Location:
    Belgium
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    No, you're not crazy. I just went through a very difficult couple of weeks going through something similar. I don't feel guilt or jealousy though but I felt regret. It's Belgian Pride tomorrow and when I saw all the communication on FB concerning it I felt regret. Regret that I didn't embrace myself 20 years ago and lived like I feel I was meant to be from early on. I mean, I know why I didn't and it's perfectly understandable but... All those lost years. I probably missed out on so much fun. I missed out on being myself all those years. And now I'm 35 and I have a BF that I truly love and all those years are gone. I'm going to Pride anyway tomorrow but of course it's not the same when you're 35 and in a relationship. But the only thing I can do is live fully from now on and that's exactly what I'm planning to do.
     
    #4 Lexa, May 18, 2018
    Last edited: May 18, 2018
  5. Lexa

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2017
    Messages:
    474
    Likes Received:
    172
    Location:
    Belgium
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Oh and anger, I also felt a lot of anger, but now it's just regret.
     
    Biguy45 likes this.
  6. Biguy45

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 5, 2017
    Messages:
    1,295
    Likes Received:
    476
    Location:
    United states
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    And now I’m married and too old to change
     
  7. Lexa

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2017
    Messages:
    474
    Likes Received:
    172
    Location:
    Belgium
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    You can choose to come out to your wife if you think she will be supportive.
     
  8. Biguy45

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 5, 2017
    Messages:
    1,295
    Likes Received:
    476
    Location:
    United states
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I’m really not sure how she would react. I may at some point but I’m not ready yet. Regardless, I would remain faithful
     
  9. slowmo

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 10, 2017
    Messages:
    31
    Likes Received:
    35
    Location:
    West Coast
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I wouldn't say I feel "guilt." And like you, the way I feel is more coming from inside me, rather than from anything anyone in the gay community has communicated. I do have sort of a feeling of not having participated or helped out or whatever. While waiting until almost 60 to start coming out certainly doesn't feel "easy," I do feel like I never had to face the decades of struggle that confronted men who came out in their teens or twenties. I got to have three great kids and a life that was deemed "normal" and socially acceptable. I even feel sometimes like I'm riding on their coattails so to speak. I think the key thing to understand is that such feelings are coming from inside and have to be allayed that same way.
     
    smurf likes this.
  10. Contented

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 23, 2017
    Messages:
    1,040
    Likes Received:
    1,387
    Location:
    Upstate NY
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    slowmo, you may have nailed it. My transition from hetero to homosexual while not without trials and tribulations it was not nearly as bad as some others. In a way the guilt is from not having been part of the past LGBT struggles for acceptance and my relative easier transition. Life as a gay man is so much more than I could have ever imagine and perhaps the guilt comes from not all us can feel as happy, satisfied and loving life as I am. My concern in posting on EC is that I am somehow gloating, which I assure you is not the case. I just try to balance some of the negative experiences with some positive affirming experiences. Sorry rambling here.
     
  11. Zello

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 21, 2018
    Messages:
    6
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Portland, Oregon
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight but curious
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Sometimes we make mistakes which change our live. And in a while we understand that we lost some opportunity or time or whatever and maybe we even can't do that now though we could at those changing moment. This is not limited to sexuality, though of course mistake here costs a lot. What helps me is a focus on positive moments which I had in the life spoiled by mistake. When I understand that I would not have such a moment without a mistake, this somewhat settles everything up.