Hello! I'm back with another thread, I gave so many feelings right now. I had sex a few hours ago, I met a guy on an app (I KNOW), at first I just wanted to have mutual masturbation as this is one of the lowest risk activities from getting STIS, etc. but once I was with this guy, I let my self go and did oral to him and he did a bit for me and then he asked if we could do anal, I said yes but only with a condom. So we had anal with a condom but no lube other than saliva (I KNOW). He was very careful and understanding about pain and stuff so we did it slow. Nothing happened to the condom and I asked him to pull out before cumming and so he did. Right after we both finished, all the thoughts started coming... 1. I invented a name, profession etc cause i'm in the closet but at the end he told me I looked like one of his friends... He gave me his real name so I discovered he knows my openly gay brother and many people I know from the city I live in. So I panicked about being recognized, if I see him again somewhere etc. (If you saw my other thread about an app accidentally outing myself... well here I am again) 2. My worries about the STIs are kinda low this time, since we used a condom, there wasn't any breakage and he didn't cum inside me, obviously I'll have to get tested after the time frame to be sure about it. 3. I feel bad about having casual sex, I don't know how other people do it, I have not enjoyed most of the sex I had, I think with just two people I enjoyed the most where the ones I had some kind of connection (My exgirlfriend, 1 of the guys I had sex repeatedly) 4. I feel horrible because I have internal homophobia, I'm not that way with anybody else but myself, I'm not able to accept me, I don't know if I'm fooling myself about being bisexual or what is wrong with me, why can't I come to terms with what I like or don't like. I feel like I want to come out but at the same time I don't because I feel I will be opening the door to soooo many people to judge me as hard as I already judge myself. Please help me.
Deep breaths. You are going to be okay and we got you. We have all been there and its a terrible place mentally to be, but it all will pass Maybe you learnt that you need some kind of connection before having sex and that is great. Listen to your body and make sure you create a relationship (of some kind doesn't have to be romantic) before you have sex with them. Friends with benefits can be a great place to be with a guy while you explore yourself and are ready to come out. Yep, very low like you said. And yes, test yourself to know for sure but everything should be fine. Most people will be respectful about this whole thing. Next time, make sure you let guys know you are in the closet so they keep your name or details private. Most LGBT people are good at respecting people in the closet It takes time. All of us started where you are. All I can tell you is to take it one day at a time. Its a great start to know that you are feeling like shit because you have internal homophobia. So whenever those doubts start creeping in try to tell your self that is the internal homophobia speaking and brush them away. Way harder than it sounds, but doable the more you practice. Also, know that our bodies go through a fairly powerful chemical change when we cum. Most people trying to accept themselves will experience some type of shame and guilt right after they cum from either sex with a guy or even just watching porn. Think of it all you horniness going away so your shame is able to be the only feeling left. This also goes away as you keep working on accepting yourself. The other thing that worked a lot of me was to look in the mirror and tell myself that I'm bisexual. Sound silly as hell, but its way harder than you would think. Just because you accept yourself doesn't mean you have to come out. So work on accepting yourself and then we can work on coming out. You mentioned that your brother is gay. Do you think you would be able to talk to him about what you are going through?
You have taken on a lot of of unnecessary anxiety. Go to your quiet place, chill out and realize that NONE of the issues you have stated other than disease are important, and you had that covered. If you see him again - don't make a big deal of it - I'm sure he won't, I don't know of anyone who uses the greeting, "Hey I fucked you" to embarrass you when/if you see him again!. The first time or more is always casual sex. What kind of standard are you setting for yourself? If it's bad enough that you are going to go through the rest of your life freaking out, I'd suggest you get some professional help, to make you realize that being gay is OK, being yourself is OK, using protection is OK, enjoying the experience is OK, need I go on? Relax, enjoy it, and live happily ever after! Imagine all the pleasure your "Openly gay" brother is having.
