Hi everyone, I'm a bi-man in my thirties and I'm married to a woman and have a kid. I've joined because I don't feel happy anymore, I have some problems in my life that I just cannot overcome and some of them are because of my identity. I need someone to talk to, who understands how I feel or maybe has dealt with things I'm going through now. I've discovered my dual sexual orientation as a teenager. Initially I felt romantic attraction towards girls but after a sexual drive kicked in I quickly realized that I can enjoy both worlds. For many years I was fluid and it was not like sliding along Kinsey scale but like jumping between spells. There were moments when I got so excited about same sex that I was wrecked with guilt and fear of "becoming gay". Moments when it would all fade away like a waning dream and I asked myself if it was ever there. Moments when I felt relief that "I'm not really bi" and moments when I was disappointed about "not being bi" and moments when I felt relief that I still am. In my head I like being bisexual and I want to be bisexual. But it's not that cool when you take this to other people. The feelings of guilt and fear and disgust are imposed by society that irrationally disallows one to safely explore sexuality. As I was discovering myself I saw many people socially slaughtered on mere suspicion that they may be attracted to the same sex. I got scared and decided to date only girls. I only came out once in my life and it didn't turn out well. I've always used internet to talk with other bi-guys which is not easy because most forums are overflowing with explicit content, bragging ("my wife an I") and poor souls desperate for a hookup with a guy (BTW: great job keeping this place clean crew!) so I was tired and put off. I've never had the guts to join real life LGBT community. But lately I felt so lonely and closeted that I can't stand it anymore. So here I am.
Welcome to EC SilentM! It sounds like your local situation isn’t very supportive, that’s too bad. But yes, this is a good place to learn, share, ask, and grow. When I first came to EC I thought I was heterosexual, and a good LGBTQ ally. Turns out I’ve shifted to bisexual. My fantasies about guys are the reason. I am suffering during COVID-19 since all the LGBTQ events and groups are not meeting. It feels very lonely. Some online Zoom meetings help, but for me they can’t replace the face-to-face socializing. I usually read the “Later in Life” sub forum. You might find that helpful too.
