Good week vs manic episode?

So first up I’m feeling really scatterbrained right now. I’m having a lot of concentrating and I didn’t want to write this because it feels like too much effort but I want to record this moment. I’m trying to track my moods because this has happened a few times before. I don’t know how many because I’ve only started recording this year but usually I only feel sorta depressed, that’s my usual mood like depressed but I can deal with it, you know what I mean? But then I’ll get really depressed and that’s when I’ll start talking about suicide. I mean have you seen my post history? You’d know that I talk about committing suicide a lot and that’s because I get to this point where life feels utterly pointless and I feel worthless, I can’t even look at myself in the mirror on those days, I don’t even want to get out of bed.

But after the super depressed episode, I always get these happy episodes but I’m pretty sure it’s mania although I don’t know so that’s why I’m asking. This always happens so when I’m depressed I always know that I can at least look forward to the high. Recently I probably had my worst depressive episode ever. But the (maybe) good news is that I’m currently experiencing the best high of my life and I don’t want it to end. I’m scared because I know I’m gonna crash eventually, in maybe 4 or 5 days but I don’t want that so I’m going to try and prolong it by not thinking about my depression.

Like I feel really fantastic but also I feel a bit like I’m going to die. This happened last night too because my heart is beating so fast and it might give out sometimes. That’s one of the bad things and the other is I want to do a lot but my concentration is terrible. I have a lot of motivation but can’t stick to anything. Maybe another bad thing is I’ve been really impulsive but also it’s been good because I’ve been doing stuff I wouldn’t usually do. I got some piercings, just in my ears but I want to get my hair dyed and maybe a tattoo as well. I’m not sure about the tattoo because that’s permanent but the hair color I don’t care, I want to do it like a bright sort of red. I should just do it because I can. Like mostly because I hate myself and I want to look different and more tolerable. But I like doing all this different stuff that I would usually be too scared to. And see, I say I hate myself because that’s usually true and I’d be depressed but right now I don’t give a fuck about anything. Like I don’t care what people think about me at all like my self-esteem is probably pretty good right now.

Actually I think I’m overly confident today but who cares, I’m feeling a lot better than usual. It’s better than suicidal. I’ve even been sticking to my workouts and my healthy eating and I don’t feel shitty about my job. I’ve even been socializing with my coworkers and I’m not even worrying about whether or not they secretly hate me. I feel really good. I have a lot of energy though and I can’t seem to burn it off. And my appetite’s really great. And I just laugh for no reason. I’ve also been really loud but that’s basically it I guess. I’m getting tired and I don’t know if anyone has experience with bipolar disorder but that’s what I’m worried I might have developed. And it’s been happening for over a year not just now but this is the worst yet. Technically although I feel great besides the heart palpitations and feeling like everything’s going too fast. I might write more when I feel like I can but I can’t really concentrate properly at this point. Maybe tomorrow. I hope not though because I don’t want to crash tomorrow. That’s too soon.

By the way I’m going to see my therapist the 2nd of July so I’ll bring this up then but right now, I don’t have anyone else to talk to and I wanted second opinions? Maybe this is normal happiness, if it is then I could really love life if I ever get over my depression. That’s it, I’ll come back tomorrow but I’m going to bed for now.