So I've got myself my first girlfriend I'm 29, have my own apartment but have a somewhat close relationship with my mom. I've talked about my gf with my mom but with no label, she probably thinks I just made a new friend. Backstory... my mom is homophobic, makes negative comments anytime she sees something with a same sex couple, pushy about me finding a guy someday and having babies. The past few weeks my mom, neighbors, family friends keep bringing up that I need to find a guy. Every time I hear this I want to say "why can't it be a girl?". Really wanted to blurt out today that I have a girlfriend, just today I was told I need to find a guy at least 3 times. So kinda frustrating and want to come out sooner rather than wait. I was hesitant to tell her because of her reaction, but even with time her reaction probably won't change. Plus my gf isn't just my friend and I don't want to hide that. So any advice to tell a homophobic parent that I'm bi and have a girlfriend? At this point I have a feeling she will have a negative reaction to it, so just gotta shield myself and let it out.
Given that you are almost certain that the reaction will be negative I think that you need to weigh the pros and cons. Some people are very negative towards LGBT+ people until they find out that they have a family member who is LGBT+. This is certainly not guaranteed though so you need to think about how you will deal with them saying those things about and to you. I am not sure that there is any good way to "cushion the blow" though. Maybe the next time they try to push you about getting into a relationship you could say "I already have a significant other she is (*insert SO name*) and if that is a problem for you I can walk out right now" (I mostly hate confrontations but am pretty good at dropping bombs). There are also the issues that just come with being bisexual. They might decide that you can have "flings" or however they may say it but still expect you to find a "real" relationship with a man and live a heteronormative life. If they make a big deal about you having to have children you can point out that even if you are in a relationship with a woman that you can still have children. Another thing you could point out is that just because you are a woman does not mean that you must have children. In the end that decision should be up to you and you should not accept any pressure from anyone else (one of my biggest regrets is allowing myself to be pressured into having children)
It doesn't sound like it will be easy, but the time has probably arrived. The constant narrative about needing to find a guy will not cease unless you push back very assertively (or come out). In all honesty an assertive push back is likely to offend more people than coming out, because it hits them all hard, without any explanation at all. You have your own apartment, so you are probably in the best position you can be in to do this. Even if your mom takes it badly, you don't have to remain under the same roof while she is working through her pain and grief (and she may need to do this for a while). The question is, how do you come out to her? Face to face is an option, but you may also wish to consider doing it in writing, so you don't have to contend with a painful back and forth in the heat of the moment. When you write it out, you have the opportunity to tell your story without any drama and that can make a big difference. Once you have told your mom and other important/significant people you can tell others in a more general way, e.g. a social media update. I would also recommend pointing your mom in the direction of PFLAG for more information, help and support. They may have a chapter in your local area that she can turn to, if she is really struggling to come to terms with the news. Bear in mind that even the most supportive parents can be taken aback when we come out, so we do need to offer time and space and be prepared to answer questions calmly and rationally. If your mom takes it badly, never respond in kind. If it gets heated, just walk away and return when things are more calm.
17Wanderlust.....You might want to consider using a letter WHEN the time comes to tell your parents/friends. Coming out in writing means you will not be interrupted or face a barrage of questions that you need to answer immediately, in the heat of the moment. You get time and they get time too and that counts for a lot. There are some great sample coming out letters here on empty closets that could be a big help to you. Even if you don't eventually use the letter, taking the time to think about it and to write one will help you to be sure to say what you need to say and leave out the rest! Again a big plus to a letter is that you don't have to be present when the letter is read. That can be a very big help as it eliminates the potential face-to-face confrontation that can easily go bad. It gives the people reading the letter some time to think before they talk to you. After all, you've had time to think about your sexuality...giving them some time to think about it too only seems fair! Check the letters out (see below)...they could be a real help! *****Also...when you do come out, whether it's tomorrow or a year from now, your parents and/or friends will probably have questions. Take some time now to think about what those questions might be. Such as; "How do you know you're gay?" or "How long have you felt this way?" etc. The questions themselves will vary a great deal dependent upon your family and friends...so take that into consideration. If you work up a list of five or so questions with the answers already planned, you will be perceived as a more mature, serious person. *****COMING OUT LETTERS: http://emptyclosets.com/home/pages/resources/coming-out-letters.php *****Remember...you are a part of our LGBTQ Family and we do care! Keep us updated on how things are going for you! .....David
I don't really have any other resources or better advice then what has been said, but I will say sometimes it just takes time. Coming out to my own mother did not go well. It took about 3 years for her to finally be a bit more understanding and stop the digs and insults. Now, 12 years after I came out to her she is much better, and refers to my husband as her "third son" so sometimes it just takes time for people to adapt.
I think the only way to do it is to rip the bandaid off at this point. You're financially independent and don't live with your family, right? So while her/their reaction might not be ideal, there's really nothing they can take away from you. I will say it's not something to take lightly still, knowing that the truth may result in a breakdown in family dynamics--but the important thing to understand is, if estrangement or any such thing occurs, the fault is not yours. You shouldn't be expected to lie about who and what you are; you shouldn't have to hide and deny yourself happiness, least of all from family. Parents are supposed to love their children unconditionally, and if they can't do that, they've failed. What @QuietPeace said is also a factor: as a bisexual, you might be expected to "choose" a man to settle down with, but most of us know it's not that simple and that it is insulting/reductive to act like it is. There's every possibility that your mother's attitude will change, too. Sometimes, parents will do a 180 if it means keeping their kids in their lives, especially if you have a close bond. Whatever you decide, whatever happens--I hope it goes well. <3
Update! So it went better than I expected, still not 100% supportive but no anger or complete denial. Her exact words were "OK but I can't make any promises, you know I believe it should be Adam and Eve". I ended up just telling her over the phone. She was a bit hurt that I waited so long to tell her, I've know for the past 8 years. I've been dealing with alot of mental health stuff and relationships were not really a priority at that point in time and not in the right mindset to build up the courage to open up to her about it. Now to give her time to adjust and then possibly suggest introduction. Next up telling my two brothers unless she already told them ♀️
Congratulations on coming out. I’m glad that it went better than expected. Hopefully things improve further with time.
So glad to hear it went better than expected. I hope, given enough time, she'll come around a bit more and see your relationship for what it is--not a sin, but a beautiful celebration of love and life. Good luck on the rest of the coming out process. Please keep us in the loop, however things go. We're always here to listen. <3
