I don't really know, over the years. everything i guess has built up. I had gotten my heart broken, i started drinking (not heavily but just getting drunk occasionally) then i attempted suicide 3 times, went into a mental facility, got out on the 10th, attempted suicide again (like multiple times) then i started smoking, i only have smoked twice actually but the smoking has helped me a lot surprisingly. it's helped me relax and not have so much anxiety, i don't think about death anymore. I finally let the girl who originally broke my heart go (or so i think) ...it just, i don't know. i use to be against drinking and smoking but that's all i want to do really. the reason, i had attempted suicide was because i felt i did nothing right. you would think, i was doing pretty good. I had graduated high school early. I had gotten a job. but i didn't feel that way, i felt I just skimmed by with those things, i got straight D's throughout high school, i failed every test, quiz, or exam ..i took so i ended up cheating on most. i copied on all if not most homework assignments. my job, most kids get this job. at least 2,000 employee's get hired every year and hardly one ever applies so they are desperate and hire anyone who comes into their office. they needed people. as of right now, since I've started smoking...I've felt everything is going up hill, like everything is going right but is everything going down hill really? is it just the tobacco talking for me?
The tobacco isn't a solution, and tobacco (if you're talking cigarettes) is more addictive than heroin, so you *will* be an addict if you continue. Any substance, behavior, or pattern is simply a band-aid to the real issue because it numbs the real problem. Are you seeing a therapist? That's what I would suggest.
i am suppose to see one on the 14th. and ...maybe, it's...it helps, you know? i don't think about death anymore
Please do see that therapist, and don't let tobacco be the bandage for any problems. I'd be very sad to see another member of my generation fall to the clutches of tobacco. You said it yourself - it's bad. Please don't get hooked on it. Something that really helps me calm down when life is feeling like too much to bear is to go back to the basics. Take a step back, look at everything you do in life (sports, work, school, friends, whatever), and organize. Set priorities, set goals for those priorities, think about the future. My personal experience doing this: I had a bad traffic incident in 2012 that led to reconstructive surgery and bed for a couple of months, and after I was back on my feet my parents noticed depression and reclusiveness. I didn't realize it myself, but I did when they told me. I felt overwhelmed with all that I was doing. I hadn't been doing anything for months while I recovered, and so when I tried to jump back into my life, it was too much. I was incredibly unproductive because my plate was just so full, I didn't even know where to begin. I took a step back, listed off all of my obligations (son, soccer, piano, school, bicycling, leading a running group, leading a video game clan, volunteering), and then eliminated what I could no longer handle. I stopped playing soccer, stopped taking piano lessons, and that gave me the extra free-time to get a handle on my other obligations. How I handle things may not work for you, but it's without-doubt better than tobacco. If you don't know how to get a grip on your life, how to feel comfortable living it, please see that therapist. Maybe they can find something that works for you. Everyone's different.
