Hey this is my first time posting on here I'm extremely confused and in a really bad headspace I'm 33 years old and from Toronto when I was a young boy I was exposed to sexual abuse at the age of 5 by another boy in the neighborhood by 8/9/10 years old I was experimenting with other boys and it really messed my head up after I would get depressed and thought I was gay i had about 5 or 6 of these sexual experiences with other boys and i always initiated them and that was it anyways I kind of ignored it and felt myself wanting to be with girls and around 18 I had my first sexual encounter with a girl and was really impressed and had a great time after that I was trying to have sex with girls because I was scared to be with them before that I always felt attracted to girls and having crushes on them but I started hanging with older kids and eventually got addicted to drugs and that became my main focus getting high and trying to impress others and be a gangster and I never really had sexual feelings or thoughts for guys since just that I wanted to be respected by them and be cool anyways I started selling drugs and have always would fuck girls whenever I got the chance and never really thought to much about guys more just as friends or role models I've always kinda been a smaller guy and had somewhat of a soft side to me which I didn't like so I would throw on the tough guy mask and always doing criminal activity and selling drugs and was also a good way to fuck girls and get blowjobs for cheap then I started taking steroids and working out and I was super horny all the time and I was constantly on ###### having sex with multiple women sometimes 2 to 3 different woman a day I always wanted to have anal sex with women and would like eating ass I think I have had sex with over 100 women i would even get so horny i would fuck escorts tho it was gross anyway after i got off the steroids I've noticed myself one day looking at guys crutches and glancing at them and all of a sudden I started checking out men and then I started obsessing about it and thinking that I'm gay ive also been having strange thoughts anytime im close to or around my friends or any men and i lost my attraction to females and it has been a downward spiral since it's been controlling my whole life and given me crippling anxiety and depression it's all I would think about from when I went to bed to when I woke up then came my relapse and suicidal thoughts but when I relapsed I still was having sex with a few women and I managed to stop using and get myself help and got back together with my gf and things have been ok but still having the obsessive thoughts but now she is pregnant and I am in rehab and it's all I can think about the last few months I have seem to be getting better and I have started to check out women again and get erections and get off to straight porn etc and have even had dreams about having sex with women but I'm still checking out guys and having those weird thoughts when I see guys or interact with them someone please help me this is destroying my life and is confusing what is happening to me ?!?!
