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Going back in the closet because I'm a shallow jerk

Discussion in 'Anonymous Support and Advice' started by Anonymous, Jan 14, 2018 at 8:23 AM.

  1. Anonymous

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    The monstrous soul...
    No, really. I'm seriously thinking of doing people a favor by going back in the closet. Sounds a little odd, so I'll explain.
    I'm a bisexual male who is only sexually attracted to certain physical "types" of guys. Period. Tried with other types and couldn't even get it up. The noble thing to say is that appearances aren't everything, but Jesus...I'm stuck on these guys. However, I'm socially inept due to mild autism, so these guys are out of reach. I got so damn frustrated that it made me mean and antisocial. I'd binge watch "Salo" and "Goodfellas". I'd get in street fights and go to work half drunk. I'd see my ugly mug in the mirror and start slamming my fists into my face until I'd get welts (when coworkers would ask if I'd been kicked by a horse or gotten in a car accident I'd just chuckle grimly). I stopped telling people about my gay side because the thought of it made me sick with a kind of dark rage.
    So in order to temporarily preserve my sanity, I vetoed any and all focus on my gay side and went back to sleeping with women. The only alternative was the expensive one of hiring male escorts to satisfy any gay sexual urges. I treat people a lot better now than when I was a younger, openly queer guy; but the mere thought of ever reentering the LGBQT community switches on that old black hatred inside me again. Whenever I read some academic righteously denouncing body fascism, it somehow stings my shallow inner asshole, and next thing I know I'm contemplating running people off the highway.
    Look, I know that nobody owes me a damn thing. But I'm no friend to the gay community. My presence in the community is more of a liability than a blessing.
     
  2. Barbatus

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    Hi OP,

    Sorry to hear that you are having such a difficult time. Correct me if I'm off the mark but it sounds like you are frustrated because you can't meet the guys you are attracted to and your frustration is leading to you violently lashing out (mainly to yourself). Do you feel that that it the root of the problem?

    Being involved in the LGBTQ community or not is a separate thing - unless by the community you mean spending anytime with queer people rather than building a social network.

    So I suppose the question (if what I've said is accurate) is how do you want to proceed? Do you want to meet more guys and try developing something more? Or do you want to focus on your own perception of yourself and life?
     
  3. looking for me

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    hey op, you've put a lot out there to unpack and im not sure anyone here is qualified to pull it all apart. are you seeing a counselor of any kind? they would be in a better position to start squaring things up for/with you. all the best.
     
  4. Leanest

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    I second a counselor, especially one that is welcome/specializes in dealing with sexuality. I say this because long-standing issues like this usually arise due to a multitude of reasons or events that may not seem interlocked, and end up taking a heavy toll in ways that aren't normally demonstrated by the individual. Of course it seems like you've already showcased some self-destructive behaviors or unhealthy coping mechanisms -- but what about the problems that might seem normal to you, or less-serious, and in reality it's the opposite? I don't mean to make you paranoid.

    I'm not sure if joining an LGBT support group or reaching out to an LGBT center would be as helpful/safe. I say this because going off of what you feel at just the thought of being reintroduced into the community, it seems like doing-so has the possibility of making you feel worse and like an outsider.
     
  5. Anonymous

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    I hear you with only being into certain guys and feeling nothing for most. I don't understand how some guys can hook up with just about anyone. I read various places where guys talk about hooking up even when they thought the other guy was kinda gross. I do find some guys more attractive the longer I know them and see their features up close and I like their personality too. I don't feel so angry about it like you describe and it sounds like you need some anger management or something with a therapist. With that much anger, getting into any relationship is a bad idea. Please make sure you don't ever hit anyone else out of anger. That's never ok. Please stop hitting yourself too.
     
  6. Anonymous

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    You very much need to see a therapist. Rage issues and self-destruction are not normal. You have to take them seriously and get help. It's no great thing to try to bury that inside and date women, for it one day to come out and unleash on them. Violent tendencies do NOT just disappear. Besides, it doesn't sound at all like you want a RELATIONSHIP with a woman, it sounds like you want a HOOKUP with a man. It is completely unfair to the women to use them as a poor substitute for what you really want, when you can't provide them with what they need at all. You can't just change your sexuality, or ignore it. Life doesn't work that way. Getting therapy, and working on your social skills, will put you a long way towards getting the kind of people you're attracted to to also be interested in you. And, there are multiple medications that are proven to be helpful for Autistic anger issues and also anxiety, so if therapy alone does not solve it, medication should be your next stop. Ignoring the problem does not make it go away, because it is a very serious one that is staring you right in the face and telling you it needs attention. Take some time off dating anyone, and focus on repairing what's going on with you. You very much need it, whether you want to believe that or not.
     
    Jackie Ray likes this.