There's a gay meetup group in town & I joined it recently. I think I actually need to meet gay men who could be friends, but ... I'm closeted, I'm filled with anxiety whenever I consider outing myself to friends (so I haven't), and I'm married. I'm out to my wife at least, and though our marriage is pretty well failed, it's still a huge fact in my life. There's a meetup for drinks coming up soon, and I think I'd like to go, but I'm nervous. I just feel like I've got so much baggage and uncertainty in my head right now that I'd feel like a fake. Or maybe more like a not-ready-noob, or whatever label goes on someone who desperately wants to belong, but doesn't think he qualifies yet. I was just thinking that if I went, and someone(s) there seemed interesting to me, or if I found I could be comfortable in the company of gay men, that might help me feel more confident about my sexuality. I mean, I've got plenty of sexual interest in men, but I have little to no experience with men who might actually be open to something more than a hetero male, dudes-hanging-out-but-that's-all-no-homo kind of thing. God, I don't even know if I'm making sense. I guess I've just never been in an environment with any gay men where I was a gay man, too. I really want to know what that's like & to see if it's for me (like I think it maybe could be). This may all be moot anyway, as I will likely sit in the parking lot having a panic attack if I go, but it's weighing on me tonight.
Here are my thoughts. I don't think you can lose no matter what you do. You've already taken a step by finding this meetup. Even if you don't go, it's on your radar and next time you may very well feel up to going. Or the next time. It doesn't matter when. If you end up sitting outside in your car and just watching guys go in, this is ok, too. Seeing that it's just a bunch of ordinary guys should help "normalize" this for you. If you do go in, remember nobody knows you and they won't unless you choose to reveal personal details. You are not in any way obligated to do this. If you aren't comfortable, you can turn around and leave anytime you want. They still won't know you. You can set yourself the tiniest of goals you'd like to achieve if that helps you. Maybe saying "hi" to three different guys. Even just in passing. You never know, you might just have a nice conversation with some guy about fly casting. Or whatever it is you guys talk about. P.S. Don't forget to report back after you've been.
Short answer: yes! Go to the meet up! Like really says you don't have to commit to anything, even just getting to the door is a huge step. oh and one great thing - you'll have a drink in front of you, I always wish I could make it to the meetups where I have a drink in hand, it would make me so much less nervous. I wanted to say that I feel so many of the things you do, but I'm starting to feel less uncomfortable about them everyday, and it's going to meetups that has helped me get past this. I'll take each of your worries one by one: My experience so far in the last two conversations I made with my new LGBT friends, they've been totally supportive of the fact that I'm just now at 37 coming out of the closet. They both said I was "brave", and they encouraged me to share my feelings freely. Siennafire, if you're reading, you called that, thank you . A lot of the people going to these meetups may be late in coming out too, everyone has their own story, and it's not just you who's feeling awkward and insecure. You don't have to talk about being gay or anything you are not ready to talk about. It's ok just to chat about any kind of topic that interests you. I'm so awkward at these damn meetups and I've resorted to talking about the weather sometimes. But I still manage to have a feeling that people were happy to talk to me and there's just really no pressure to talk about your background or anything about your sexuality. Me too, and I still feel uncomfortable about this but really, like I said everyone has their own story, we all come out in different ways, when the time is right for us. The LGBT friends I'm making really do understand and have compassion. I know it's easier said than done, and I'm still working on this myself, but you have to have pride in your own story and the path you've taken to get here. You are brave for getting to where you are. Remind yourself that, it's true. This is as real as it gets, you're plucking up the courage to be out there in the world, meeting people, and your story, your path, is just as valid as anyone else's. Really, you have just as much worthiness to be in a gay man's meetup as anyone else there. You will! Or at least that's how it's impacting me, my confidence is growing bit by bit every time. You've got to start somewhere, right? This is where you start. You can do this! I'm looking forward to hearing what happens, even if you just sit in the parking lot. Small steps, you've got this!
I'm assuming that you are out to your wife and have decided to separate/divorce. I'm also assuming that your wife knows that you are going (unless you've already separated) so you don't get accused of sneaking around behind her back. While not the primary purpose of this thread, it would be good for you to understand why you feel anxiety about coming out to your friends. Do you still feel internalized homophobia and shame about being gay? Are you afraid of losing them? Something else? Going to a meetup (or a support group for married gay men) are great ways to engage with the LGBT community and meet other gay men for friendship and more. It's important to develop a network of gay friends so you have people to do things with, can ask for their advice about dating, and so forth. Going will also help you learn how to behave as a gay man and be around other gay men, which is probably not something you learned at the schools of our generation. If you meet someone, that's gravy but don't going into it expecting to meet someone at your first meetup. The fastest way to shed the nerves about going is to just go. Just put the address in your GPS and drive there. Don't think about where you are going, or you may ruminate and convince yourself you're not ready. The paradox is that in order to get comfortable with yourself as a gay man, you'll need to do things that you haven't done before and make you feel uncomfortable. Once you start doing them, you'll get more comfortable. The trick is to do the first few things that are uncomfortable. If it helps, you may want to list out all the reasons why you think you shouldn't go and then offer a counterargument. For example, "I'm a newbie and feel like a fake." -> "Everyone was a newbie at one point, so I'll accept that I'm new to this and learn from others." I'm very transparent about my situation at meetups (heterosexually married man, recently came out, etc.) and people have been very welcoming. While I've heard stories about gay men who look down on guys who come out at midlife, I haven't personally met one at a meetup. Besides gay men who were previously married to women are much better at relationships than gay men who came out earlier in life, so there are advantages to dating guys like us. In summary - just go (!)
I'm at work right now, so i can't tap away at my phone for too long, but i wanted to say that this is all incredibly helpful. I'm soooo glad and grateful for this community. I may literally write down several of these points on 3x5 cards to take with me and reread them - in the car, at the door, in the elevator, and seruptitiously at the bar, haha. I still find it gut churning, and it's days away. But I think the main idea here is the key - there's really only one good way to get over that, and it's to move forward as much as I am able.
Ditto all of the above. Go! One of the best things I've done so far is come out to a couple straight and gay friends (not out to my wife). They've pledged to be there for me when I do. My go to guys when I need some talk. Recently, hung out in a gay bar when traveling. Not looking for sex or nonsense. Just had a beer made some small talk. Awesome expericence just to hang there. The therapist I'm going to see has groups as well. Can't wait. Scheduled first session next week!
OMG, for me the first social meetup was so so so scary and intimidating, but I ended up having the best time! Go! Go! Go! Once you get inside and you just start talking about random stuff with the first person you meet you will realize no one is going to test you or ask you about your story, they are just there to socialize and drink and dance. After I went, I came home and drank like an entire bottle of wine because being an openly identified lesbian in a queer space was very wonderful and freeing, but also very emotionally draining. It was such a major step in my life and I didn't have any gay friends yet to talk about it with, which felt super lonely. But I am on my way to making friends and am optimistic I will have people to talk about this with soon. In any case, going to the meetup was a step for me that was literally like 20 years in the making.
Having basically 'grown up' (since 21) at gay bars, mostly boy bars the idea of a meet up seems really foreign. I was out to most of my friends, interestingly most of my friends were gay. They all knew i was gay. They all also knew i was married. Eh, the rest found out when i really came out last year. So i have a very mixed bag coming out story. But i guess my point is that i have found almost everyone i know in the gay community to be very open and compassionate regardless of your story. I have always thought it might have something to do with being a marginalized community. We tend to accept people because we know what it's like to not be accepted. Anyway. Go. Say hi. Smile. Make a new friend.
SO - I made it to the meetup! Honestly, I didn't feel anywhere near as apprehensive as I thought I would. It was mainly small talk, but saying something about when "we" bought "our" house led into a question about "oh, are you married?", so I did wind up disclosing that I was straight-married & right smack in the middle of figuring things out. Why lie, right? But that turned into an interesting conversation about his ex-husband's journey out of the closet, the ex's kids, my son, etc. I met a couple of other people as well & while I'm not the most social of people, I did manage a bit of friendly conversation. I walked out with the guy with the ex & got a handshake-hug - you know the one where you grasp hands and lean in for a shoulder pat? It was a kind of a "good luck, I'm pulling for you to work this out" moment, which was nice. I can't say I felt a major, AHA! connection, like I had "found my people" or anything, but today was pretty intense and emotional (I posted this in another thread, but I came out to a close friend today), so I'm thinking some/most of the subtler aspects of the experience were likely lost on my slightly wrung-out brain. I guess the most helpful part is that I didn't feel like I didn't belong, if that makes sense. I was also not-lying while I was there. I don't know how to describe it - maybe a kind of a "clear" feeling? Urg, tired. Off to sleep where my brain can chew away at all this.
Hmmm. I'm feeling a lot of doubt today. Last night is really challenging what I think it means to be gay. That's not to say I think I'm not, but I feel like my experience is so limited that I walked away feeling quite naive. Is it normal to lose A LOT of wind from your sails when you finally have a chance to (a little, at least) reconcile this huge feeling that's built up inside for years with a somewhat mundane reality? I've felt this uncomfortable feeling, like a slightly unpleasant butterflies feeling, ever since. Man, why is it sometimes so hard to know yourself? I guess the upside is that this is a *new* feeling, so maybe something in me was unearthed that will help me figure things out.
Such huge steps! What a great update!! I'm so happy that you went and had an encouraging experience. In terms of your doubts today, I don't know what's bringing them on. But I wonder if it's something of a result of all the built up emotion in anticipation of the meetup? I know that alot of emotion goes into these meetups for me. And they drain me. And sometimes the next day I'm a bit on a downslope emotionally. But then the anticipation of the next opportunity gets me feeling hopeful again. I don't know what you hope to gain from the meetups. A sense of community? A feeling of greater comfort in being a gay man, or being around gay men? I wonder if you can think about what you're hoping to get from the meetups and if that helps you to understand your feelings today a bit better.
I kind of drank in this thread. Thanks everyone. I keep eyeing drop-in groups at a local lgbtq center. I have only looked at the website and looked up the address of the center. Nothing more. But this is giving me a little more motivation to give it a go. Also it's really good to know that I might feel a little worse afterwards. I've been struggling mightily with depression and it's good to know what's possible.
It was a lot to take in. By the end, even though I felt accepted & everyone I talked to magically got where I was coming from ... I was nearly ready to break into a jog to get out of there! My mind just got full. I feel a little butterflyish tonight still, but better, and honestly I'm going to try and spend my weekend doing something other than stressing about being gay. Hey, it could happen A) It's good to hear that I'm not alone in being a bit wrung out (and that hope returns). And B) bingo, on all counts! If I'm to figure this out, I'd like to do it right. Getting to know humans in reality seems the way to go (awkward tho it may be).
Thank you all so much for everything in this Thread - I relate so much! Really helps to hear others' experiences and that there is so much acceptance and understanding in the community. I am coming out/questioning later in life as Well (I'm 54 and got clarity on this in the last couple of years). As a result, I as well do not have a lot of practice being with groups of gay women - I have one friend that is gay and out and knows where I am at but that is it. My situation is a bit compounded as I grew up with a lot of sexual abuse - mostly by female perpetrators. That was a long time ago and a bunch of that has healed - but there are still things that are not fully healed (I'm complicated ). This has resulted in my shying away from physical relationships with either gender for a bit. Embarking on this now means learning both how to be in the company of other gay women as well as learning the practicalities of physical relationships. There is for sure the worry in me that anyone of value and interest might not really want this as it might be a lot of work - I might be perceived as just too new at this at my age and/or too much issues still there. I'm hoping that's not the case - I love being active and social, love my friends, just have not participated a lot in recent years in physical situations. I do agree that Meetup is a great venue to meet others - I've been involved in Meetup groups for several years. The LGBT groups in this area do not appear particularly active or to have a lot of the types of activities that I enjoy (they are mostly bar/party oriented which is not my thing - I would much rather go on a hike or to a show or on a day trip). Once I get beyond some of my initial startup stuff above, I could always start my own Meetup Group! That could be fun :icon_bigg Very glad you all are here!
