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Giving a talk

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by baristajedi, Oct 19, 2017.

  1. baristajedi

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    So I was asked to do a talk at an event to show some of the work happening at the LGBT centre, they chose me and one other person because of our community groups we run.

    I felt so honoured when they asked me and still do. But since then a tragedy has happened in our family. And it's made me confused about how to give this talk and what do I say... and am I even doing good work?

    I know they say that everyone blames themselves when this happens. But my head keeps going back to ....well if I'd decided not to come out and leave my husband, I wouldn't have started the group, my partner wouldn't have come to the group and gotten the encouragement to explore who she is, wouldn't have met me and fell in love, and wouldn't have left him. And then her boys would still have a dad.

    I though about not sharing this on here but I don't know who to talk to that quite has the perspective of us later in life people, and who might understand all the thoughts going through my head.

    This tragedy has made me worry for my ex, like is he ok? Does he know how much we need him? Does he know how important it is for him to stick around? Does he feel like we're all still family?

    Guys I'm struggling a bit with this.
     
    #1 baristajedi, Oct 19, 2017
    Last edited: Oct 19, 2017
  2. baristajedi

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    I know the context I'm giving is vague, I'm sorry, it hurts to write it out. And I know rationally it's not my fault, he was ill, no one who is well would do this... I just wish he had gotten well.
     
    #2 baristajedi, Oct 20, 2017
    Last edited: Oct 20, 2017
  3. baristajedi

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    Sorry for this confusing post... I don't even think the background's clear at all. It doesn't matter, I'll work through it.
     
  4. Lia444

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    Ok so are you saying that your partners husband has left and doesn’t want anything to do with the kids? Not sure if I read that right. If that’s the case then that’s his choice, people go through break ups all the time. It’s not you or your partners fault. You are allowed to live the life you want and you are their for your kids. My parents got divorced when I was a teenager and it was a nightmare but if you would look at us now, we are all one big family and my dad and step dad are included and get on. I think you should do your speech as it might help someone. As there are likely others in your situation who don’t know where to turn or even start. Even if it just helps one person it will be worth it.
     
  5. baristajedi

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    He committed suicide
     
  6. Moonsparkle

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    It is vague, but in the context I am making some assumptions about what may have happened (could be wrong though, ...)

    One thing I know is it is obviously difficult when tragedy happens, and it's human nature to look back and say, 'what could I have done to control this outcome, how could I have prevented it?' Very simple example but people do this with car accidents--like, 'if I hadn't stopped at the convenience store for milk, I never would have even been at that red light at that time that resulted in me getting rear-ended.' We want to somehow go back and make it right.

    However, we really can't control some events and outcomes. Some we obviously can, don't pay your electric bill, the outcome is getting your power shut off. But other examples, well we really don't know what would have happened if we hadn't 'stopped for milk.' So while it's easy to think well, if I hadn't done a, b, and c this tragedy never would have happened..you really don't know. You mention that he was ill, I assume this had been something he had been struggling with for a while. And if this tragedy makes you want to reach out to your ex and remind him how much he is needed--why not? Everyone needs to be reminded now and then that they are valued and needed.

    In light of this I understand your feelings about still giving the talk you were asked to. I say try to go ahead and do it as planned. It is an honor you were asked. Tragedy makes us second guess everything. But none of the reasons why you were suggested for presenting at this event have changed. They asked you because they knew you would do a good job.

    Sending lots of strength your way.
     
  7. baristajedi

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    He took his own life; the only thing he was really struggling with was the separation... but he was mentally unwell, he has threatened this in the past numerous times and has attempted since he was very young. But still the trigger was that I entered his wife's life.

    The group I started and run has been my way of helping people through separation and others life changes after coming out. It all just feels so... noncelabratory at the moment, for lack of a better word.
     
  8. baristajedi

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    This was my experience with divorce, my parents (dad mom stepmom) all get on really well and we're one big family. I never imagined this would happen. I thought that we'd all heal and move forward and become a family. He was a good dad, what could make him take such a drastic step, and abandon his children???
     
  9. baristajedi

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    I just don't know how to think of my life choices at the moment; I know why I left and it still makes sense; but I'm struggling now to see how this path can ever be ok.
     
  10. Moonsparkle

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    Yes, my assumption was he committed suicide. You probably already know this, but know there are support services for Survivors of Suicide out there, many can be found online. You can also find very well written stories online from survivors who share their experience of the grief from losing one to suicide. It is a different kind of grief, that only those who have experienced it can understand.

    I understand more about the group you started and how it would feel noncelabratory now. But again, your skills have not changed. I am not sure how much of this tragedy you want to share with the group, but it is sadly, it is a life experience that some must go through. And sharing (at some point if you want to) could have much value to the group as well.
     
  11. baristajedi

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    Thank you, I've been thinking about talking to a someone and looking for support.

    I have decided to talk with someone at the centre; they're incredible and I think will help me think about giving the talk. And will likely give me resources for suicide survivors too.
     
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  12. Lia444

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    Big HUGS I can’t imagine what you are all going through. It was his decision in the end though so don’t you blame yourself. By the sounds of it he had been troubled since he was young and there is no way of knowing what was going through his head. All you can do is all be strong and help each other. Not sure what your relationship is like with the Dad of your kids but maybe it will help to reach out and say that you want him to be apart of there lives etc assuming this is all what you want. Maybe he could be a role model to your partners kids too. I’m probably jumping the gun abit as I don’t know your situation but as they say keep swimming. I still think you should do the talk though, if you can, as I think it may help you. How long have you got to prepare for it?
     
  13. looking for me

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    I know what you're speaking of hun. and I'm not going to beat around the bush. what you are feeling is perfectly normal, your partner is probably having similar thoughts, but on a higher level. you need to be there for each other, which I know you are. as for the talk, if you have to cancel because of this no one will blame you in any way. and, let me say this; You Are Doing Great Things! you are giving a voice, a safe space to others who, perhaps, didn't have those things. at this point, self care and care for your little family is paramount, there will be other opportunities to speak and educate people, you look after yours. HUGS
     
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  14. Lia444

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    I agree with looking for me too that your family is priority and if you feel you can’t do it then don’t feel you have too but don’t not do it because you think it’s your fault, as it’s not. Even if you two never met or if she wasn’t gay it could have still happened. No one is to blame. Sometimes life is just shit and it’s how you deal with it. You sound a really strong person so keep fighting. HUGS
     
  15. Mr B

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    Hi Barista, just need to say that I admire very much what you've achieved so far. I know you probably know this, but just as a reminder, the pursue of happiness and love is never selfish as long as you are honest and don't deliberately harm anyone on the way. Actually, it is a human right. On the other hand suicide, or threatening suicide if you don't get your way, that's one of the most selfish acts you can ever commit, especially if you have kids. I understand some people are ill, but in this case, they too have a responsibility to seek and accept medical help. If you truly love and care about the people around you, you don't kill yourself. Sorry but it makes me angry that people can do this kind of stuff to themselves and screw the lives of so many people around them. Just be reassured that always acted with honesty, integrity and consideration for other people. I know it will take a long time to work through this, but you and you partner shouldn't let him destroy what you've achieved as it is too precious and built with true love.
     
  16. SiennaFire

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    I'm so sorry to hear the details of the tragedy. This must be weighing heavily on you.

    Please don't internalize the guilt. It's not your fault. You did what you had to find joy in your life in a mature and responsible way. You are not responsible for his history or choices. I know that's easier said than done.

    As for the talk, I think it comes down to timing. I would make sure that you and your partner start to heal before giving the talk. If you're not at that point and still questioning your path, then I would decline the speaking engagement. Nobody will fault you.
     
  17. PatrickUK

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    Suicide is an incredibly complex issue and when someone takes their own life we never fully understand the reasons why. I deliberately chose the word reasons here, because it's very unusual for any one person or issue to be the causative factor in a suicide. In most cases a suicidal person is challenged by a whole range of interconnected issues, many of which are deep seated and long term.

    It's normal for us to reflect and say "if XY or Z had/hadn't happened he would still be here", but that's based on no evidence whatsoever. In many cases a suicidal person cannot be saved or rescued, because they are not reaching out for help or support and it's that internalisation of feelings that is the real kicker. Blaming yourself is pointless.

    Support can be obtained for survivors and this link may be helpful to you: https://uksobs.org/

    Go ahead and give the talk and stop ruminating about how you came to where you are. Life will take all of us in many directions and none of us can predict or manipulate the future. We do our best and give our best (hopefully) and I'm sure that's what you are doing.
     
  18. silverhalo

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    Hey what you are going through is awful but it's not your fault. If you hadn't started the group your partner would eventually have met someone who would have encouraged her to explore that side of herself or she would have just summoned up the courage herself. After all she was obviously already questioning all of these thing otherwise she wouldn't have sort out your group in the first place.

    He may have said that you coming into her life is what's tipped him over the edge but if he was in that kind of state then if it wasn't that it would have been something else. You are not responsible for his actions.

    As for your ex, my advice would be to talk to him and tell him.

    I think you should still give the talk though.
     
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  19. baristajedi

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    Just checking in.... thank you all for your insight and support

    I'm struggling with a lot of contradicting feelings and I assume this will be the case for a while, I'm sad...he was s good man and his kids adored him, and I care so much about the boys and feel horrible about the sadness this is causing for them and my partner, I liked him myself, I wanted him to be happy; I'm angry at him for abandoning his boys, for putting people through all this pain; I'm feeling guilt but I'm fighting that feeling because I know it's not my fault...

    About the talk, I decided I'll give it, because I think it will push me to have a clearer head, writing out and expressing my thoughts about my group and my motivation for starting it.

    But there's a chance I won't be able to run the group anymore, because my nights may be too busy picking up kids from schools in different parts of the city... my partner and i are trying to sort out work logistics and pick ups and so on.

    I had a talk with my ex; told him what this has made mecworry about for him and he said he's ok. On Sunday he invited us all over, myself my partner and her kids to come in and have a morning/afternoon together when I dropped my daughter off. I get the feeling that means he's doing ok. I told him he will always be my family.

    I'm not doing great just now but I will be ok. My partner is so strong, and I can see she'll be ok, and the boys seem to be managing ok. That all makes me feel a bit better.

    Thanks for listening and talking me through all of this.