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Girlfriends ex.

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by CHARLIE15, Nov 5, 2020.

  1. CHARLIE15

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    Hi,

    I've been seeing someone for coming upto 6 months alls been relatively well up until the point she joined the army which is, and was fine. My problem is that she lives with her ex and with the lockdown issue I've not been able to see her, but when she goes back home for weekends she kinda puts me on the back burner which is really annoying and she can't seem to see where I'm coming from. I know this probably wouldn't be a big deal if we weren't in lockdown. Am I making excuses, any ideas how to fix this??

    Thanks
     
  2. BiGemini87

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    How long has it been since the last time you saw her? Do you have any suspicions about her rooming with her ex right now?

    I only ask because I'm not entirely sure if that's implied in your question or if you're more focused on her not making time for you. In the event of the latter though, I would call her up, lay out all the cards as calmly and concisely as possible, and ask her how she'd feel if you made zero time for her--because the message I'm getting from this is that she's not taking the relationship as seriously as you. Or it could be that because of the lockdown, it's harder for her to talk to you/make time for you without feeling terrible and lonely afterwards.

    I hope you're able to talk and get through to her. I know how difficult it can be, being away from someone you care that much about and not being able to talk to them when you really need/want to.
     
  3. CHARLIE15

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    I don't think she's doing anything with her ex if I'm honest but she said they'll always be friends and I'm slightly worried sh won't make that cut with her as we progress. It sucks and if I mention the situation to my friends they think I'm mad for being with her if she still lives with her ex.

    Thank you for the reply and I hope you stay safe and well x
     
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  4. CHARLIE15

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    It's been 7 weeks since we last saw each other
     
  5. BiGemini87

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    Even if there's nothing happening between them, I can understand both yours and your friends' feelings on the matter. If the two of you are to have any kind of future--even if we're not talking forever, but something that could lead to long-term--she needs to make the effort to put you before her ex. Even if they stay friends, they shouldn't be as close as they once were, not if it's going to hurt the relationship the two of you share. There has to be some kind of balance, some give and take.

    You're welcome. I just wish I could give you a more satisfactory conclusion to the issue. I hope with time, things will pan out the way they need to.
     
  6. Lucy Marie

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    Sorry to hear that. With all else going on—one more thing can drive us to scream.
    I stated elsewhere what I did to me in a similar situation that reverberates decades later. It sounds like she has reasons for her behavior, but that does not make it right. My take is you are dancing close to fire, stepping back is your best option.

    ((momhugs))

    Remembered in time. Military wife 23+ years. We can talk that too.

    ((momhugs))
     
    #6 Lucy Marie, Nov 5, 2020
    Last edited: Nov 5, 2020
  7. silverhalo

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    For me it is not necessarily the fact she lives with her ex that is highlighted to me the most. I understand it is a concern and a difficult situation so it is natural to have concerns. It is more that you say she doesnt seem to give you the time when she is at home. Does she ignore you or is she busy or what is happening?
     
  8. LostInDaydreams

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    I can understand why this is bothering you.

    In those seven weeks, how many times could she have seen you but chose not to?

    And when you say “goes back home” is that as in “goes away”, so are you not in her home location?
     
    #8 LostInDaydreams, Nov 17, 2020
    Last edited: Nov 17, 2020
  9. CHARLIE15

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    Hi, she doesn't seem to give me the time, she says that it's awkward with her ex living there and doesn't want to rub our relationship in her face, when she does speak to me it tends to be just about sex, not how are you which is also getting tiring.
     
  10. CHARLIE15

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    Cause shes in the army, she lives on camp during the week and goes home to her house on weekends. The issue at the moment is that her work area is on lockdown her home is not. I've said she can come straight to mine but she doesn't.
     
  11. LostInDaydreams

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    Maybe work are requesting that she follows the local restrictions? It must be tricky to navigate two sets of restrictions. It’s hard enough to work one lot out!

    Regardless, whether or not you want to continue with the relationship on these terms is up to you. Perhaps have a discussion with her again and if she’s not able to see more of you whilst she is living with her ex, then maybe it would be better to be friends for the time being?

    You can’t force her to change what she’s doing, so it’s up to you to decide whether you want to carry on with the relationship or not. Though, I do appreciate it’s easy for me to say and is probably a harder decision for you to actually make.
     
  12. HM03

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    Joining the army is a fairly big life change for the both of you, so I can see how it could impact your relationship!

    However, I think you may be giving her more credit than she deserves. It often takes a little while into the relationship for the honeymoon era to wear off and for people to show their true colours.

    I am a firm believer that relationships are about giving 50%. Sometimes things come up and it won’t always feel like 50-50, but it should never feel one sided for an extended period of time. I agree with you, it doesn’t sound like she’s giving you the time of day – I don’t see why alternating weekends (if restrictions allow) or videocalling etc couldn’t be done. Just talking about sex when she's horny seems like the bar is super low and like she doesn't value you like you value her.

    For things like this, I want the validation of being in the right LOL. I find it helpful to back up, see the bigger picture and try to [temporarily] remove the emotions. The amount of time together (physically and in terms of being in contact with each other) you require and she requires are different. So either you have to somehow adapt, or she needs to make a greater effort to at least be in more frequent communication with you. I’d bring it up with her if you have not already – You feel that what you need in terms of communication/hanging out and what she needs are different. While you understand things like her training are important and are fairly inflexible, you’d appreciate if she made greater effort in general. Her verbal response and her actions will help you figure out what the next appropriate actions should be
     
  13. silverhalo

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    I think as difficult as it is you have to have an honest talk with her and put your cards on the table so to speak. As it is this relationship isn't working for you and so either it has to change and you both have to work to make that happen or you have to walk away. I don't think speaking to you needs to mean rubbing the relationship in her ex's face. She could go for a walk and talk to you whilst doing that or something.
     
  14. CHARLIE15

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    Thanks for your responses, all of you. You've helped me realise that I don't want to be a part time girlfriend, I won't to spoil and be spoilt, and I don't think she realises that, unless she pulls something amazing out of the bag within the next week, this relationship has run its course which is sad
     
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  15. silverhalo

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    It is sad but you deserve more than what you are currently getting. Yes the current situation can add different complications that you wouldn't normally be dealing with but you shouldn't feel like she doesn't have time for you
     
  16. Goya

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    Hey! I’m sorry that you’re going through this, you definitely deserve more! Personally I believe that as it’s you that she is now in a relationship with she should be putting boundaries in place with the ex and considering what’s appropriate and taking your feelings into account rather than worrying about rubbing her face in it. It feels like her old relationship is encroaching on your new one, which shouldn’t be an issue.
     
  17. BiGemini87

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    I'm sorry if things didn't work out with you and her. It can be pretty disheartening, knowing what you want in a relationship and realizing they aren't on the same page.

    If you managed to work things out, that's great. But if not, I hope you find someone who will appreciate you. Who won't treat you as an option and act awkward regarding your relationship when their ex is around.

    Things will get better. Let us know how things are going, if you like.