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Getting Gayer

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Gayhusband, Jul 13, 2020.

  1. Gayhusband

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    Hey out there! I know from reading other posts on EC that a lot of us who are later in life who are questioning/realizing their LGBTQ ️‍ sexuality are married to the opposite sex. Some of us have come out to our hetero partners as I have to my wife who I’m still ,somehow, very in love with. As many have posted, we’ve come out to our better halves as bisexual. Some not, their decision was more absolute. I admire both. I know out of fear of hurting my wonderful wife I came out to her as bisexual more than once. In twenty five years of marriage it’s come up a few times. I’ve recently (last 3 years or so)told her that I’ve felt I might be much more on the gay side of bisexuality. We have a young child. It’s sooooooo complicated! I’m still attracted to her. That complicates it even more. The past month or so has been extremely difficult.Im constantly struggling. I need a mans touch! I’ve told my wife about my struggle but I sound so wishy washy going back ad forth about it. When I think about being “OUT” I get manic. When I think about the repercussions I literally feel ill. I just feel awful about this. Kind of like the cowardly lion
     
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  2. Contented

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    It is indeed a very difficult situation to find yourself in. At the very beginning of my journey towards my actual sexuality I too tried to convince myself I was bisexual. I did this partly out of fear of admitting I was really gay and partly in an effort not to hurt my GF. For me it did not work as I could not deny the feelings of wanting to be exclusively with another man. I had to admit I was gay and no longer had any sexual interest in my then GF. Of course it was unfair to her and it hurt her however I was powerless to change the inevitable course of embracing my homosexuality. I hope the best for you and your wife as you maneuver the rapids of true sexual identity.
     
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  3. don72tx

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    This sounds so much like myself. I have recently come out to my wife as bisexual, but I haven't told her [yet] that I am closer to being gay than bi as my attractions to men are much stronger than to women. I still feel an attraction to my wife, but it is so hard for me to getting excited being sexual with her and there have been several times i have completely lost my erection in the midst of lovemaking. I want to tell her more of my feelings and desires, but I am just not ready to do that yet.

    So I do feel for you and commiserate with you too, Gayhusband, and wish you the best and the strength to follow your desires.
     
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  4. Contented

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    Don72tx, I know for me as I began to come to terms with being gay rather than bi I tried to maintain some sort of sexual relationship with my then GF. Over a fairly short period of time it became impossible to keep an erection and at the end even with medication I could not achieve an erection. Frankly towards the end of our relationship I would do anything to avoid intimacy of any kind with her as the idea was grossing me out. It’s not that I didn’t care for her as a person but as a sexual partner it was over. Losing the ability to have sexual relationships with her rather than upset me actually reinforced that I truly did have same sex attraction ,it was real and I enjoyed it much more than I ever did with the opposite sex. Over 3 years now and I have never looked at a woman in sexual way since. I don’t miss it at all and never really think about it unless I am writing here in the forum.
     
    #4 Contented, Jul 15, 2020
    Last edited: Jul 15, 2020
  5. don72tx

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    I really love this site and all the really insiteful things that are written by those on here, especially those on subject like this that hit so close to home for me. What you just wrote, Contented, is is perfect example and spoke to me so much. For a long time I have felt very unsure of my sexuality as to whether I am bi or gay, kinda of stuck between them. I never thought that i would say this but if my wife and I never had sex again it would not really bother me. I feel like i am going through the motions with her and while I can usually orgasm [most of the time] it feels soulless and empty. I have had same sex attractions since my early teens that were pushed back for many years. It has taken a long time to admit to myself and also not feel guilty about them that I am mainly attracted to men. Thank you again for your thoughts, Contented......
     
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  6. Contented

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    Your thoughts are not usual for sure. It is an unfortunate result of truly coming to terms with your sexuality that hurt happens. We don’t intentionally set out to hurt others but it does happen. We have suppressed our true sexuality for so long that you reach a breaking point. At that time you feel compelled to act on your same sex attraction which in many cases causes a chain reaction of events. Like you I too never thought I would ever say I wasn’t interested in women but the truth is I am not. After all these years I can unbury my sexuality and say I prefer men romantically, emotionally and sexually. I have zero interest in ever being with a woman sexually again and make no apologies for feeling this way. For me there is absolutely no comparison to the pleasures of being in a same sex relationship. I wish you the same.
     
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  7. quadratic

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    It's tough. I think that in many ways married gay men have it particularly tough. It's not just the expectations that as husbands and fathers we are supposed to reflect societal norms, but many of us still very care deeply for our wives. Mine has devoted half a life to me and our family. We don't want to hurt them, and yet we want to be true to ourselves.

    This means that there's a sense in which everything we do is wrong. We want to nurture and support our wives - even if (as said in this thread already and certainly in my case) we have lost all sexual interest. I actually think that it's possible to have a loving and nurturing relationship without physical sex that is more than just being "good friends". (In my case, if I ever reach that nirvana, it will be a long way off.) But how can we be fully supporting of our wives if we're always looking outside for male intimacy? Do we hide our sexual persona?

    Alternatively we can simply come out and take what medicine may be dished out. But that's also difficult - suddenly you have to appear in the eyes of your family as a person quite different from who they thought they knew! And this takes enormous courage: it took me about 20 years to find that courage, and even then my hand was sort of forced. I understand "cowardly lion" all too well.

    Added to all of this is that many of us (again, me for sure) have been sort of sliding round the sexual spectrum for years: a bit gay in my teens and 20s, more gay in my 40s, almost fully gay now. (I say "almost" because I still like looking at women, but I haven't wanted physical intimacy for nearly a decade.) At what point in that sexual journey can we say "I'm gay", and own our gayness?

    Best we can do, I think, is keep questioning ourselves, and being as honest with ourselves as we can be. Still tough though.

    Al
     
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  8. don72tx

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    It took me years to come out to my wife and tell her that I was bisexual which she took surprisingly well other than telling me that she never would have guessed that about me. But now i have the more difficult problem of telling her how conflicted I am about my sexuality and where I am with it. I fear she might not take this as well especially if I tell her of my lack of desire when we are sexual together. I have two adult daughters and neither of them know about me, at least I think they don't. As you said above of them seeing me as someone different than they had always thought. I am seeing a therapist now and she is helping me work through all this and also some issues i have about being sexually molested when i was in my early teens. Thank you, Al, for your insight and thoughts.
    Don
     
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  9. Joolz66

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    So true Contented. Reaching breaking point, capitulation and the subsequent chain reaction certainly accelerated my gayness. It was like everything suddenly fell into place. My Gayness has always been part of me but was cloaked in denial for a long time. Once I crossed the Rubicon there was no turning back, something I always instinctively knew and something which kept me in denial for 30 years.
     
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  10. Robyn mac

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    My girlfriend is the one who got me to come out . Never having a real knowing knowledge that Iam big or gay. It was a simple chance of excitement that she and I both notice one day. Wlth her encouragement to experiment we came to terms with my sexuality. . We were together for 8 ys at this point and now another 3yrs. We have an open relationship and play well with other men together.
     
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  11. Mike0322

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    Hey I'm a bi guy who is married, and I know what it's like to have those strong desires to be with a man. I'm here if you ever want to chat more.
     
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  12. Adz6

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    Hi,
    I’m another older gay man who is married to a woman who I love deeply, but I have no sexual desire for.
    The love making part of our marriage has always been a struggle for me. That part of our marriage has ceased, which is a relief.
    I still haven’t come out to her or to anyone and I probably, never will come out.
    I also feel like the cowardly lion who has led a false life. Realistically I have not been true to myself.
    Do I feel if I have missed out on anything? Sometimes and the internal pain is great, somehow I get through it. I have found EC A great Forum, even if I don’t often post. I come here most days and read the story to get strength through the writings.
     
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  13. NotTooLoud

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    I am sorry, but I believe it is a shame to remain married to someone who you are not attracted to, even if you have love for that person. I think, especially men, want to provide for our families and be the "dad" and "husband" that others expect us to be. Not just our children and wives, but all of our extended family (and in-laws!). We lose our true selves in the process and nobody really gives a damn because we are meeting *their* needs. What about what *WE* want and need??? Yes, I mean being selfish, for change, and putting your needs above everyone elses. For some of us, this is such a novel and unusual concept. It was for me, too!!!
     
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  14. Adz6

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    Thank you NotTooloud for your input.
    Yes I have been the “cowardly Lion”, each life story is unique including mine. There are other reasons which I will not go into why I cant come out.at this stage of my life. As things change later in life my situations may change.
     
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  15. Journey616

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    I’m pretty much in the exact position you are. I’m new to this club here so. I am so happy that I am not alone having these feelings. I love my wife. The sex is good but every time I’m left feeling Not completely fulfilled. Deep down I know it’s because I need to feel a man’s touch. 90% of the time I want to be with a man. But there is that 10% that holds me back. It’s so challenging.
     
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  16. maybgayguy

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    This is really well said. That 5-10% is doing a lot of the work in holding me back.
     
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  17. Journey616

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    Yeah I know. Sometimes I wish that 10% would just disappear so that Things can be black and white and end the turmoil in my head but I guess we live in a grey world. Its so hard some days. But knowing that you not alone helps.
     
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  18. Journey616

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    The other thing that goes through my mind is if I could be with another man would that percentage go back down to 50/50. Would I feel balance? Is it at 90% currently because I can’t be with a man.
     
  19. Snowqueen

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    Guess I had the same feelings for ages, seems to go with the territory. I think it helps not to let it take your thoughts, I used to feel really guilty about watching gay porn, then one day it just vanished, try not to over think things.
     
  20. Journey616

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    that’s my goal. I try to enjoy the moments I’m into men and the moments I’m in to women. But there a hell of a lot more moments thinking about men.
     
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