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Getting easier

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by jackiescutt17, May 19, 2017.

  1. jackiescutt17

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    I have had a funny week. I have been feeling very separate from a lot of people since starting my 'coming out' I have so far told 3 friends and 3 sons and my straight mates children.

    Since telling them I seem to only be totally comfortable with my boys and my straight mate and her kids.

    I have this overwhelming need to tell everyone that I am in this fantastic new club and they should all be jealous because I feel so good! I must add though, I haven't always felt this way since finding out I am attracted to women (long story, won't go into that on this thread). I still experience incredible highs and lows... the lows are getting less and less and disappear as quickly as they arrive.

    I felt really low at work this week. I hardly spoke to anyone... only what I had to. I can't explain exactly how or why I felt down, I just feel I am in the wrong place all the time. I feel there is something I should be doing or sorting, I feel totally disjointed (but good, I do feel good)

    I went to another Meetup last night. I have been to a few and I can't tell you how much better I feel for these groups. I got a bit lost, (even though this was just on the other side of town) I messaged the event host who was giving me directions and I eventually got there. Last night there was no pub quizzes, no guest speakers... it was just a drink and a chat. I sat next to a group of ladies that were happily chatting away. I assumed they were regular members. It turned out that from the 20 or so women there only 6/7 knew each other.

    We chatted some more and then the hosts began to come and join the groups and introduced themselves properly. The groups shifted around and we met and chatted with other people. I felt so at home. A little while later some of the ladies left and the ones that were left sat in a big circle around the tables. It was lovely. We all told a bit about ourselves, up and downs. Likes and dislikes. The conversation flowed so well.

    I met a lady, 75 years of age. Recently split with her long term partner and needed to get her life back together. She didn't look much older than 60! Remarkable for her age. We have swapped contact details and we are going to meet up for a coffee and a chat. I also had quite a long chat with one of the hosts about setting up a Meetup in the area I live in. She has strongly urged me to give it a go and that as long as it's on a different night to their Meetup, she will try and come along with some of her group members. This seems to be a bit of a network. They recommended some groups that they attend and have said that us new members should come along. Well, I am up for that.

    This host asked me about my journey. A quick, stripped down version was given. She was lovely, she said as many of my EC members had said that I should not have felt so embarrassed and guilty about showing my feelings to my catalyst. That she needs to deal with the feelings and emotions she has... that I can't be responsible for them. We had quite a chat about this. She was lovely.

    We dwindled down to about 8 and we chatted till 11.30pm. We were asked to leave... I didn't get home till 12pm. I then messaged my straight mate to tell her what a brill evening it had been. My friend has been such a rock for me. I tell her everything, good moods, bad moods... everything. There has been no change in her mood towards me, I am still her mate. I just like women now. I have talked to her about when I go out with my other straight mate friend group... and that I do feel something has changed. She said this to me the other day. " You are the one that has changed. You have this new zest for life and you have to go for it... the rest of us are still the same. You need to make some new friends with the same way of thinking and the same energy levels" And she was right. The room last night was buzzing. All these gay ladies did seem to have a fantastic level of energy, and I was right in the middle and loving every minute!

    I am definitely going back to that group. I have realised that I really don't want to go to the LGBT meetings. I know now that I am most comfortable around women. I always have been, so will stick to the lesbian only meetups.

    I am out tonight, I have lunch with family tomorrow and a catch up after with some old friends. Tomorrow night out with best straight mate which leaves Sunday for washing and getting ready for work Monday lol. And I am loving it! A year ago I would be indoors, wondering where my life had gone! I have changed so much in a year. As hard as it has been, as low as I have gone, it is what I needed to be able to live again. I am going to look at my experience/journey as being reborn. I love my new life. I know I will probably have a lot more ups and downs but I feel that the worst is over. I am sooooo looking forward to what comes next (!)(!)(!)(!)
     
  2. Worker Bee

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    :thewave::thewave:

    I always look forward to reading your posts. They are so open and honest. You have really grabbed life by the horns. You have gone through so much over the last year and yet overall you remain so positive and determined.

    I am sure most members who read your posts are inspired and emboldened by you courage and tenacity.


    (!!)(!!)(!!)(!!)
     
  3. Labgirl

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    That's wonderful! I'd love to find meetups like yours. Your posts give me so much to look forward to.
     
  4. jackiescutt17

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    Thank you xx I really do feel on a high tonight. I am really lucky with the Meetups I have been to. Nerdbynature. I came out to the 4th friend in my close friend group tonight and I was sober!!!!!! She was just like the first mate I told. No change whatsoever. She even gave me a kiss goodbye on the cheek when I dropped her off. She was just so nice X (*hug*)
     
    #4 jackiescutt17, May 19, 2017
    Last edited by a moderator: May 19, 2017
  5. Worker Bee

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    Woohoo!!!! That's awesome!
     
  6. Rana

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    Jackie,

    Can I live vicariously through you for now?! :slight_smile:
    I love your positive energy, and it's comforting to know things get easier.
    I have the highs and lows as you, but I feel the lows less and less, so I'm hopeful.
    I love that you have good experiences at your meetups...I hope to start with those soon but I've been too intimidated to go up to now (silly isn't it?).
    Keep posting. You rock! ♥
     
  7. dreamingfreely

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    I wish I could borrow some of your energy. You keep moving forward that is important. If even it is for good it is sometimes hard to see yourself change at least you have good friends that understand that need to go out meet new like minded people.
     
  8. jackiescutt17

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    I sometimes worry about posting such long posts. I start by wanting to put something quick and then before I know it I have typed a novel lol. Thank you for those lovely comments. I am glad you like reading the posts so I will keep making them.

    I am on serious high at the moment. Although at work I still feel disjointed. The friend I told last night works at the same place as me so I will see how I feel next week at work and if telling her has helped. I had decided not to say anything to anyone until if/when I met someone. That may not happen, it may happen a long time from now... but this feeling in me was too strong and I had to share.

    Rana. The Meetups really made me feel normal again. My current friend froup simply doesn't give me something I need. As my mate said to me, the first mate I told. I have changed. No one else has. I needed to find like minded women. And it was the best thing I could have done! I am now on Meetup looking for more. The one I went to Thursday I think will be the main one. it's nearest, and the chance of making some friends that I can see out of meetup days is higher that meetup further afield. I have already contacted one lady and we will be meeting up for a coffee. Just knowing that I will have another lesbian lady to chat to is such a tremendous feeling. Not in a romantic way. Just a friend.

    Look on meetup for lesbian groups. I did go to a LGBT group first, I did enjoy it. But at this last meetup I spoke to a lot of women that had their lightbulb moment in a similar way to me. They have children. some were married, I didn't have that complication.

    I am the biggest coward in going any where alone. I always need a friend as company. Even meeting straight mates in a pub was hard. I would have to make sure I wasn't the first there so I wasn't sitting alone. I had to really come out of my comfort zone. That was something . The worry is in you Rana. The other women there are going through or have gone through what you are feeling. These women are marvellous setting up these groups. Just go. Message one first and introduce yourself. tell the host a little about yourself. I have done that with all the groups I have been too!

    No one can tell you what to do or how fast to go... my friend says I have been going at 100mph. I have. I can feel it, but I am so enjoying myself now. I really feel like I am coming out of the other side of a dark cloud.

    I even thought yesterday that if I see a message pop up from my catalyst I am not going to answer it. I feel stronger there now... I still look at her photo and wonder 'what it' but the knot has gone. I don't know if she was to message if the knot would come back... I don't know anything. I just know that I am 52 and so many years have gone by, wasted because I really didn't know who I was. I love the new me. Just need to find someone else to love me now hahahaha
     
  9. Rana

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    Jackie,

    Thanks for the posts, no worries about the length...this is important stuff.
    Oh, you hit the nail on the head about being afraid to go places alone...totally me.
    I'm very very inspired by your experiences, and thanks for the tip about messaging the organizers to introduce before. That's a great point.

    As for going 100 mph, I'm 41, so I have a feeling once I begin meeting people I will be going the same speed as you! LOL. It's awesome. Keep updating us. You rock! ♥